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ESPN.com Can Shove The Upcoming ‘Heat Index’ Page Straight Up Its Overhyping Ass

If, you know, websites actually had buttholes, but I suppose that goes without saying. And who knows, maybe ESPN.com would rather enjoy having something shoved up its bunghole. Hard thing to gauge, really.

Moving on – thankfully – the above image is a screencap from Marc Stein’s column, “Miami’s big three ready to work” on ESPN.com. Apparently, the team-specific page, which every team in the NBA is afforded on tWWL’s site, will not be sufficient to adequately cover Miami Heat-related mania. Nope, ESPN.com will be rolling out something called “Heat Index,” which is a “special section tracking all the team’s moves in MIA.”

I first learned of this new feature last night when I woke up from a nightmare – I was at ESPN HQ in Bristol, and they had a chamber terrifyingly similar to the Ministry of Love’s Room 101 from Nineteen Eighty-Four and miniature versions LeBron, Bosh and Wade with rat tails and menacing teeth were set to devour my face off, but I digress. Anyway, I had fallen asleep while watching Monday Night Football and SportsCenter was on. I cannot remember which anchor was reporting on the launch of the “Heat Index” but the shame he was feeling while announcing such a ridiculous thing was palpable.

Like I mentioned, apparently the Miami Heat’s team page just won’t be enough to satisfy our insatiable hunger for Miami Heat-related news and information. Did Chris Bosh take a poop in the morning before he left for practice or did he wait until he arrived at the team’s facilities? Which shoe does Dwyane Wade put on first? Does LeBron have a soul? These are the kinds of things you will likely learn at “Heat Index.” Oh, joyous day!

Thanks, ESPN.com!

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