Archive for September, 2010
Stupid colliding dolphins, probably drunk on sea whiskey or something. They should change the taxonomic classification for dolphin’s family name to DelFAILidae, amirite?
Yeah, that’s all I got. I’m no Marlin Perkins, if that’s what you were thinking heading into this bit.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Chicks in a hot tub making fantasy football picks? Sounds good to me. [Out of Bounds]
• Maj brings it with LOLNFL Week 3 (Part II). [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Hey unstable sports fans: you can now show your support for your favorite team on your teeth! [Larry Brown Sports]
• MYFO selects Stuart Smalley for their celebrity preview of the Minnesota Wild. I guess I’m not big enough of a celebrity. Sigh. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Who knew Canadians liked college football? [Food Court Lunch]
• Bad news to pass along: Mr. Met committed suicide. He’s in a better place now. [The Slanch Report]
• Sweet merciful crap: Boise State has a new fight song and it’s all kinds of horrible. [Sparty & Friends]
• I’ve already had my say about the new ESPN Facebook game, ESPNU College Town a couple of days ago, now check out how these guys can take it to the next hilarious level. [TAUNTR]
• Headline: “The Yankees Win At Everything, Including Deplorable Poverty.” I can see that. [Walkoff Walk]
• Sean Foley thinks Tiger Woods will win 22 or 23 majors. I’ll have some of what he’s smoking. Not that I don’t agree with him, I just heard he’s got the good stuff. [Waggle Room]
• The Pirates Win the Number One Pick in Next Year’s Draft! The Pirates Win the Number One Pick in Next Year’s Draft! [Rumors & Rants]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
F**k me running.
This is far too much to process with the little time I currently have available, so for the time being, please refer to Awful Announcing for the time being as I recover from my Grand SAS seizure.
Stephen A. Smith Announces Showtime Pilot Starring Stephen A. Smith [Awful Announcing]
GAH!
Courtesy of The Globe & Mail by way of Puck Daddy comes a sneak peek at Alexander Ovechkin’s brand new commercial for the CCM U+ Crazy Light hockey skate which features Alexander Ovechkin’s disembodied head in a kid’s locker. It’s amusing and slightly terrifying all at the same time. Kind of like what I imagine it would be like hanging out with the Unfrozen Caveman Hockey Player in a Russian nightclub.
Via The Globe & Mail:
“We wanted something that really stood out from the clutter and wasn’t traditional,” Martin said. “We also have a hockey player who plays the game in a non-traditional way. He connects with hockey consumers. It’s the perfect fit for us to step out of a traditional hockey campaign and try to do something more exciting and more in tune with younger consumers.
“We wanted to bring an element of fun to this,” Martin said. “At the end of the day, hockey is a game. If we take it too seriously it might become boring, so we’re trying something exciting.”
You can see the amusing ad here. Outtakes from the commercial shoot (via The Washington Post) follow below.
Take my pee and that’s not living – oh
Tainted Meat
Tainted Meat
Via an AP report:
Contador has been provisionally suspended after the International Cycling Union said a “small concentration” of clenbuterol was found in his urine sample on July 21 during the Tour de France, which the Spanish rider won for a third time.
Contador blamed the finding on “food contamination,” saying he ate beef brought from Spain to France on a rest day.
Doctors said it would have been nearly impossible for Contador to have received any performance boost from eating clenbuterol-spiked meat.
“The amounts (of clenbuterol he consumed) would be incredibly small unless you were eating vast quantities of meat,” said Dr. Andrew Franklyn-Miller, a sports medicine expert at the Centre for Human Performance in London and a team doctor for Britain’s rowing team.
Now I know I’ve got to ride away
I’ve got to get away
You don’t really want it any more from me -
To make things right…um…
Ah, who are we kidding? Cycling is screwed.
Your move, Floyd Landis. We all know you’re chomping at the bit to say something about this latest controversy.
(thanks Soft Cell)
Drug in beef could explain Contador’s doping test [AP]
Just a week after the mad genius creators behind Fire Joe Morgan dazzled us all with their humor and sardonic wit during their re-reunion on Deadspin, Michael Rand of the consistently consistent Randball hit the mother lode when he landed an interview with the man himself, Joe Morgan: Hall of Famer, a broadcaster of some renown for ESPN and star of stage and screen (Joe Morgan was in Cannonball Run II and its off-broadway musical where he reprised the role of Morris Fenderbaum, originally played by Sammy Davis, Jr., right?). No?
Either way, Rand seized the opportunity and asked Morgan what we all have often wondered: what does he think about the site lambasting media mongrels that just so happens to be named after him? While not answering the question posed to him whatsoever, here’s what Morgan had to say:
RandBall: Anyone in the broadcast spotlight has his or her share of detractors. I know there was even a web site, for a while, called FireJoeMorgan.com. Do you pay attention to such things, and how do you handle criticism?
Joe Morgan: You make a great point. Nobody is perfect for every listener. You’re going to have people who like you and who don’t like you. I think, as the whole thing goes along, that I’m true to what I believe. I broadcast the game the way I see it. There are going to be some people who like me and those who don’t. I did a Yankees-Boston series a few years ago, and the Yankees fans said I was pulling for Boston and the Boston fans said I was pulling for the Yankees. To me, that meant I was doing my job. … I don’t think anybody who has been in this business as long as I have doesn’t have critics, but I don’t think anybody in this business this long doesn’t have any support. I’m very open to constructive criticism in a broadcast booth or any other situation I’m in. Nobody is right 100 percent of the time. I would rather have constructive criticism, obviously. But I don’t really read a lot (of the criticism), if that’s what you’re saying. I think I’ve always been a guy who wanted to get better. I won two Emmy Awards, but that doesn’t make me perfect. I won two MVP awards, but it didn’t make me perfect.
Joe Morgan has won two Emmys, dammit! You know what? I heard he drives a Dodge Stratus, too. A used one, though. The previous owner? Dave Concepción, of course.
RandBall Q&A: ESPN broadcaster and baseball Hall of Famer Joe Morgan [RandBall]
Four Douches & A Doucher
Hey man, what gives? Here I am, minding my own business patrolling the internets and all of a sudden I get Tiki Barber all up in my face in a Daily News article informing me on how it is his moronic opinion that Tom Coughlin is “at a crisis” as it pertains to his head coaching job for the New York Giants. That ain’t right and it ain’t fair. I thought after NBC canned his ass that we had heard the last from this nincompoop. Heh. Poop.
But nope. Sadly, Barber has resurfaced as he is to be enshrined this weekend, along with 29 other Giants, in the team’s Ring of Honor at their new stadium. Great timing to hammer the coach, ya jerk.
According to the tremendous insight given his supreme knowledge of the NFL, it is Barber’s opinion that the Giants head coach has once again lost control of the team, something the former Giants running back was unafraid to articulate to the media even when he was playing for Coughlin. Via the New York Daily News:
“I don’t know if he’s completely lost control of the team, but it’s definitely slipping away,” Barber said. “You saw it last week with some of the comments Antrel Rolle talked about, with leadership, and overcontrol that the coaching staff and the organization had over the players. Sometimes that affects you and carries over into the game.
“And right now Tom Coughlin is at a crisis. His job is certainly in jeopardy, particularly because of how they played last year to close out that stadium. We all know how embarrassing that was.”
Thanks, Tiki. Whether his opinions are accurate or not, I don’t need to read them. Now he should climb back into whatever hole he slithered out of and stay off my damn interwebs!
Tiki Barber says Tom Coughlin’s ‘job is in certain jeopardy’ and his control is ‘slipping away’ [New York Daily News]
Babies interfering with a man’s efforts to retrieve a ball batted into the stands is turning into a nationwide epidemic. Either we ban babies from the ballpark or if that is considered discriminatory, anyone entering the stadium should be given one “Get Out Of Jail For Dropping A Baby Over The Railing Free” card. Catching a baseball at a game is a dream of every emotionally-stunted man and should not be denied, regardless of whether or not his mommy isn’t doing her job and caring for the damn kid. Where is she anyway? Probably eating Bonbons and watching her soaps, the lousy layabout. Why yes, all my attitudes regarding parenting are from the year 1955, do you have a problem with that?
All I’m saying is imagine if this guy, who was taking in the Indians-Tigers game yesterday, had a beer in his hand, too? What then? No, this doesn’t jibe with me. No sense of jibing here.
[H/T The Cleveland Scene (via Hardball Talk)]
It must be tough for Tiger Woods right now. With all the galas, public appearances and the like filling up the competitors’ time during the buildup to the Ryder Cup, there Tiger is, all alone, while many of his teammates have the privilege of enjoying a constant source of companionship and comfort courtesy of their wives or girlfriends. If he hasn’t been feeling lonely since his divorce from Elin, he is most assuredly getting a sense of his solitude now.
But there he was last night at the Welcome to Wales concert, acting as if nothing was wrong and simply putting on the appearances that he is having a swell time.
Gigwise has the details:
The special celebration gig at the Millennium Stadium took place ahead of this weekend’s Ryder Cup.
Katherine Jenkins, Catherine Zeta Jones and opera singers Only Men Aloud also performed, while HRH Prince of Wales oversaw the ceremony.
Golfers from Europe and America, including Tiger Woods, were also in attendance. The three-day tournament gets under way on Friday (October 1).
But why? While I imagine Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin strongly encourages his players to be in attendance at an event such as this, I suspect that Tiger could have made a brief appearance and quietly sneaked out a side door, back to his hotel room and his seemingly stifling loneliness. I mean who are these performers anyway? Lostprophets? Only Men Aloud? Katherine Jenkins? Never heard of them.
I wonder what prompted him to stick around…
A brilliant display of teamwork and the benefits of tip drills were on display between Bison teammates Tony Tatum (No. 2) and Shelby Bean (No. 
during a game between Division III schools Castleton (Vt.) State and Gallaudet University. Castleton State’s quarterback threw a pass to the sideline, Tatum, while falling out of bounds, tipped the ball back to Bean for the pick.
Even more impressive is that Gallaudet University is “the world’s only university in which all programs and services are specifically designed to accommodate deaf and hard of hearing students, was founded in 1864 by an Act of Congress, and its charter was signed by President Abraham Lincoln.” Amazing.
Unfortunately, the Bison did go on to lose the game 31-28, but Gallaudet has bragging rights as far as incredible plays are concerned and no doubt should be considered the play of the year thus far in Division III football because, well, not many people have seen any other plays from Division III football. Suck on that, Castleton State, you non-deaf or non-hard-of-hearing bastards.
Video: Your daring Division III interception of the week [Dr. Saturday]
At least that’s how the South Wales Argus is reporting it. That’s some in-depth reporting right there, perhaps a little too in-depth. Did an intrepid reporter get under the table for some investigative reporting or was the man who portrayed one of the greatest characters in cinematic history, Hudson Hawk, just strutting around the eatery like he was the cock of the walk?
I mean, Dine Hard? Not a bad way to eat, but I don’t think it has much to do with proper dining etiquette. Yeah, that’s a riff off a Gallagher joke from 1984, what of it? And no, I have never heard of this John McClane fellow. Is he a golfer? Why do you ask?
Anyway, whatever sicky shenanigans Willis was trying to pull here, I imagine the Welsh didn’t appreciate it much. A very prim and proper people, the Welsh. Although I am sure President Clinton got a kick out of it.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and what particular vegetable your urine smells like to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• From an MSNBC report: “About 8 percent of 38 test subjects who ate roasted asparagus (yum!) did not have smelly pee. About 6 percent could not smell the odor. One lucky person could not do either.” Science! [MSNBC]
• Pee Wee Football coaches brawl, but as always, it’s the kids that suffer. [Out of Bounds]
• Is Ines Sainz going to pose for Playboy? An offer is on the table. [Busted Coverage]
• The Blue Jays all sport fake mustaches to pay tribute to departing manager Cito Gaston. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Ochocinco’s cereal box has a phone sex number on it. [Ted Williams Head]
• Ah, the majesty, hilarity and awkwardness of MLB rookie hazing rituals. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Carlos Marmol just might be the nastiest pitcher in major league history. [Rumors & Rants]
• Jimmy Rollins is a Justin Bieber fan? [Detroit4Lyfe]
• Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger have been exchanging texts, and these guys got their hands on them. [TAUNTR]
• American Ryder Cup WAGs, anyone? [Wei Under Par]
• Hilarious: a person in the background of an ABC News broadcast caught picking their nose and eating it. [Bob's Blitz]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: [video] Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile
And the naysayers said it wouldn’t last. But look at them now: like a couple of bosom buddies. Just like Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, sans the transvestism.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Ken Burns can suck it. I’m all about Ken Powers Baseball. [TAUNTR]
• Nothing like a little New York Yankee ass to get you primed for the postseason…if you’re a fancy boy. [Out of Bounds]
• Speaking of the Yankees postseason-clinching celebration…Joba Chamberlain champagne bukkake photo. Jeepers creepers. [The Last Angry Fan]
• How about a little LOLNFL Week 3 for your viewing enjoyment? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Tampa Bay Rays Reid Brignac did the Dougie. Is this lame-ass fad about over yet? [Larry Brown Sports]
• Five unconventional sports that are fun to watch on TV. [Unathletic]
• There are few better ways to welcome a player back into the fold than disseminating photos of him wearing a bra. [Bob's Blitz]
• I have to admit, that College Gameday commercial featuring Lee Corso and the Oregon Duck is pretty amusing. [Awful Announcing]
• Anquan Boldin understands the income tax code. Barely. [Ted Williams Head]
• Best Man and Maid of Honor duke it out in Red Wings and Blackhawks jerseys at wedding. [With Leather]
• The Kool-Aid Man crashed the D.C. President’s Race at Nationals Park. [Big League Stew]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: ‘With Binomials, Just Remember FOIL,’ Reports Man Keeping Teens From Having Sex Between 2:30 And 3:20
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
After an embarrassingly paltry 12,446 fans showed up at Tropicana Field for a potential postseason-clinching game just days ago, something which the team attempted to make amends for to their dispassionate fan base by offering up 20,000 free tickets to Wednesday night’s game, the Rays organization has figured out a new way to kick their already placid fans in the teeth. In their infinite wisdom, the Rays organization has come up with something called the “Rays Playoff Access Club,” a scam which requires fans who want to purchase tickets for playoff games to pay $100 to gain membership to said club. Once a person is accepted into this exclusive club (no word on any bizarre hazing rituals), they will be able to procure one playoff ticket before they become available to the disinterested general public. What a deal.
Jesus. If there is a more schizophrenic way of going about getting fans pumped up about the postseason, I sure as hell would like to see it.
In a press release announcing the lamest way to suck money out of fans since personal seat licenses, Rays senior vice president Mark Fernandez said (via TBO):
“Becoming a season ticket holder will always provide the best opportunities and the best benefits for postseason tickets, but we are pleased to provide another option for fans who would like to have the opportunity to purchase postseason tickets.”
Season tickets? Do you mean there are still Rays season ticket packages available for next season? The Rays should let people know about it!
What’s included in a membership once $100 is plunked down:
Membership also includes a Rays’ sports cooler and membership card that can get discounts toward 2011 single-game ticket purchases. Memberships will be capped at 2,500. The team began selling them at 9 a.m. today on the team’s website, www.raysbaseball.com.
Oh, a sports cooler is included? Well then, sign me up, man. And I don’t even live in Tampa, nor am I planning on attending any games in their crappy stadium. I’m sorry, cowbells have never done anything for me – except make me want to puncture my eardrums with a letter opener.
Rays set up ‘club’ to buy playoff tickets [Tampa Bay Online]
(image credit)
