Archive for August, 2010
Jay Cutler is a genius. The second-year Chicago Bears quarterback understands that if he sets the bar for his performance in the upcoming season amazingly low, coupled with a subpar 2009 campaign where he threw 26 interceptions after the Bears mortgaged their future on him, the Bears fans, media and coaching staff will be delightfully surprised if he simply doesn’t ruin the Bears’ season single-handedly.
At least that’s what I’m going with after reading about Cutler’s comments today on “The Waddle & Silvy Show” (what, Weenie & The Butt weren’t available?) on ESPN 1000.
Via ESPN Chicago:
“I’m going to throw some this year,” he said Wednesday on “The Waddle & Silvy Show” on ESPN 1000. “I’m not going to lie about that.”
“There are going to be some balls that are picked off,” Cutler said. “It’s part of the game. But we can’t worry about it. Defenses will make adjustments, we have to make them back.
“The guys are going to get knocked off routes, something is going to happen, the defender is going to get in the way, and the ball’s going to be gone,” Cutler said. “That’s part of this offense. It’s not a read and see what happens and let it fly, it’s a read and let it fly. So balls are going to be in the air.
Wow. Make excuses much even before the first preseason game has even been played? With that sort of message, if Cutler doesn’t throw 150 interceptions this season or hand the ball off to rushing linebackers, it will be a miracle.
With that said, you got to give the guy credit for being a wily little sucker by playing the media like he did. He has now set the expectation level so low he’s got nothing to lose. Talk about media savvy – this guy has got it in spades. Either that or he’s a complete moron who isn’t worth nearly what the Bears gave up for him and should probably just keep his big mouth shut for a change.
I’m going to go with the latter.
Jay Cutler warns about interceptions [ESPN Chicago]
I cannot believe I went with a Billy Joel reference there. What’s done is done, I guess there’s no turning back now. What’s a backspace button?
Above is an absolutely delightful photo of John Daly sneaking a heater as he got in a practice round at Whistling Straits in advance of the PGA Championship. This photo encompasses what we love about John Daly: his never-say-die mentality, his unwillingness to bow to convention and his love of Marlboros. Mmmm…smoky treats. I only wonder if he had the energy to endure one of his patented workouts after the round.
Just one question: who’s the chick? What do you mean that’s a dude? Rickie Fowler, you say? Big deal. I don’t care if that punk was Ricky freaking Nelson, without a haircut, there would be no way in hell that damn hippie would ever get invited to my Garden Party.
[From John Daly's twitpic (via Wei Under Par)]
Pete Weber must be rolling over in his grave…
After 1.3 million online votes were cast, with a whopping 613,324 of them in her favor, Taylor Swift will be the 2010 celebrity inductee into the International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame, narrowly edging out another chick who is currently huge on the Teen Beat Scene, Justin Bieber, who had secured just over 608,000 votes before the polls closed. You gotta love the integrity, transparent process and democratic ideals of the online voting process.
But Taylor Swift? Why her? She probably hasn’t even drunkenly participated in a tense night of league bowling after popping too many Percocet pills…
Not that I would know anything about that, but a friend told me he knew a guy who did that once.
Anyway, while it is not surprising that a bunch of teeny boppers would vote for Taylor Swift after the word got out that she was in the running, why choose her as a candidate for induction?
Excerpted from the Thug of Smug’s self-righteous (big surprise) and proselytizing column, “Fading as a Champion, Woods Needs to Be Dad”:
If we can feel sorry for a man who threw away something close to a perfect life, just so he could sleep with bimbos, then this is the time. Eldrick Woods — I no longer see anyone named Tiger — is so lost as a golfer and discombobulated as a human being that he now will rely on a captain’s pick to make the U.S. Ryder Cup team, the ultimate acknowledgment of failure in his craft. What he really should do is disappear from public view after the PGA Championship, plot a return for next year and continue the one exercise that keeps him honorable in life.
Being a father.
…
Falling shy of the record that would have defined him, Eldrick Woods still can be successful in one area. He can be a father. I don’t want to hear how he plans to practice with a swing coach. I want to hear that he can’t practice, that he’s too busy taking care of his children.
It’s the only way he can salvage his soiled, ridiculed name.
Thanks, Jay, for that self-aggrandizing, shaking-of-one’s finger look at Tiger Woods and for allowing us the honor of reading your esteemed opinion on how Woods should deal with his personal life, especially the manner in which he should care for his children. There’s an old saying that goes if you don’t have kids – which I imagine Mariotti does not – I cannot believe a woman would actually have sex with him, much less bear his child – don’t tell other people how they should raise their children.
Now go back to doing what you do best: lurking in Chicago bars and writing the same old vitriolic diatribe against Ozzie Guillen over and over again, you sanctimonious prick.
Fading as a Champion, Woods Needs to Be Dad [Fanhouse]
At least if this excerpted quote from an interview the new Redskins quarterback did with ESPN Radio D.C. is any indication (via The Huddle):
“I don’t believe in rebuilding. I don’t ever believe in that word…”
See what I mean? There you’d be, after the weebly-wobbly Jenga tower tipped over and scattered across the kitchen table, picking up the pieces and reassembling it for another round of the classic game while McNabb just sat there, presumably eating a bowl of Chunky Soup or puking or whatever.
You know, come to think of it, not only would McNabb make for a lousy Jenga opponent, he would also be a horses**t FEMA director as well.
Oh, did I mention that you have to completely take McNabb’s quote out of context for my whimsical deconstructive analysis to make any sense?
Yeah, that’s kind of important.
Redskins’ Donovan McNabb: ‘I don’t believe in rebuilding’ [The Huddle]
A sexy, sultry, eye-popping shame, that is.
A little birdie in the comments section of a post here at the Sportress informed me – and boy, am I thankful I heeded his advice – that I would be wise to take a look-see at the official website of Sophie Horn: a model, certified fitness trainer and 6-handicap golfer who has not quite yet taken the golf world by storm, but it should be only a matter of time before this toned, talented and ambitious young lady begins to draw quite a bit of attention.
Horn is also on the staff 0f UK golf magazine Golf Punk (which, shockingly, currently does not have an online presence), writing a column under the titillating moniker of “Golf Nurse” and was just recently featured in a story on Golf.com about the scene in St. Andrews during the 2010 Open Championship. Information regarding the up-and-comer Horn on the interwebs is surprisingly scarce, but she is becoming more active on social media sites, with both a Twitter and Facebook account. Keep an eye on those.
And now, for what you have been waiting for, a Sportress of Blogitude Official Sophie Horn Photo Gallery. Enjoy.
I am by no means an accomplished or gifted golfer (if you had been able to witness my woeful, whack-f**k performance around the course last Saturday morning, you would undoubtedly agree – “ugly” with a capital “UG”), but my guess is going out to the driving range and trying to fine tune your game with a bent driver probably does not translate to success on the course. Not to mention that his caddy, Steve Williams, is placing a club against the side of Tiger’s head – that has got to be quite distracting.
Fortunately for us, for it provides us some insight into the how and why behind the epic collapse of Tiger’s game, the lovely and talented Stephanie Wei of Wei Under Par was on hand and took some photos as Woods practiced on the range at Whistling Straits in Kohler, Wisconsin, as the golfer continued his preparation for the 92nd PGA Championship, which begins Thursday.
But seriously, a warped driver? A club crammed against his melon? What kind of conditions are Tiger and Stevie preparing for? I cannot think of any situation on the course where a golfer would be stuck with a crooked club while some foreign object is impeding their head from bobbing, dipping and moving during their swing. And for you golfing neophytes out there, the ability to twist your head about to and fro while swinging is tantamount to creating a sound, pure golf swing. And again, the warped driver? Puh-lease. You would think Tiger could afford to replace a damaged club.
No, I do not understand the basic concepts of physics or shaft flex, why do you ask? And once again, no, I have absolutely no clue what you mean when you mention the concept of “drills designed to sharpen one’s golf game.” Didn’t I just inform you that I was neither accomplished nor gifted as it pertains to the grand game of golf? Pay attention, people.
Tiger Drills [Wei Under Par]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links and your favorite recipes for exquisitely prepared pet to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Technically, the cat discovered by police in the trunk of one Gary Korkuc of Cheektowaga, New York on Sunday Night after the 51-year-old man ran a stop sign wasn’t quite at the carpacchio stage yet, as the damn thing was still alive, but you see where I was going with this. Korkuc told police that he intended to cook the four-year-old feline named Navarro, who was covered in oil, crushed red pepper and chili peppers, because the cat was “ill-tempered.” Hey moron, it’s a cat – they are all ill-tempered. Not shockingly, Korkuc was arrested and charged with animal cruelty. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Mister Rick Chandler recaps all the hip happenings which occurred at the Jerry Garcia Tribute event the other night in San Francisco. [Out of Bounds]
• Very interesting: the top 8 athletes convicted of murder. [Ranker]
• Not to be outdone by the Broncos, the Raiders have joined in on the ridiculous haircut rookie hazing phenomenon. [Larry Brown Sports]
• He took – *hah hah* - it out: some Kiwi guy who plays some outdoor bowling game whipped out his wang during a match, now faces a 10-year-ban. [With Leather]
• Be forewarned, those of you hating on LeBron: he’s watching you. Spooky. [You Been Blinded]
• You should definitely check out what has been going down over on Brett Favre’s Facebook page… [TAUNTR]
• Not even through his first season, Nationals fans are already bored with Stephen Strasburg. [Bob's Blitz]
• As winner of last year’s PGA Championship, Y.E. Yang chose the menu for this year’s Champions Dinner and went with Korean cuisine. Looks good. [Wei Under Par]
• The top 10 signs that the Heat are being overhyped. [Five Tool Tool]
• Sportswriters Don Banks and Peter King have an uncomfortable relationship. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Dodgers have no shame when it comes to parading out the honeys to throw out the first pitch at games. [Unathletic]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Opinion: In This Family We Maintain The Ways Of The Old Suburb (by Ben Whitman)
Are you fat? Lazy? Have no semblance of self-respect and are oblivious to feelings of shame and self-loathing? Then the Charlie Weis Industrial Strength Motorized Scooter is the product for you! It’s industrial strength, so no matter how fat and disgusting you are, this wonder product will suit you well!
Sure, Weis, the new offensive coordinator for the Kansas City Chiefs, has claimed that his scooting around in a motorized cart during training camp is due to a knee injury, where part of his knee supposedly “fell off” (his words), but I think we all know the score here. I mean, look at the guy. There is a good chance Weis has some remnants in his fat rolls from the last time he engorged himself on a bag of Doritos Salsa Verde chips, and those bad boys haven’t been produced in years. I guess what I am getting at is bad knee or not, Charlie Weis is very happy to be chugging along in a motorized scooter. It’s like everything is coming together for the portly coach. All he needs now is a rag on a stick to clean himself with and his dream of complete and utter personification of sloth will be fully realized.
[H/T for image to the incomparable TAUNTR]
Chiefs’ Weis opens up a bit on injury to left knee [AP]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• A pastor in Georgia wants a high school to exorcise its demon mascot. [Out of Bounds]
• Chris Chambers: giving hope to stalkers everywhere. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• As far as fighting in the stands is concerned, Kevin McHale was Ron Artest before Ron Artest was Ron Artest. Ooh. I’m spinny. [Basketbawful]
• The UCF locker room has been looking pretty good. As in “Playboy model doing a photo shoot in said locker room” good. [With Leather]
• It was Jerry Garcia Tribute Night last night at AT&T Park. If that wasn’t trippy enough, they also tried breaking the world record for most gazoos being played. Far out. [Larry Brown Sports]
• In light of Jimmy Johnson’s upcoming appearance on Survivor, here are some brilliant photoshops of what it may have looked like if other coaches got the reality show itch. [Tirico Suave]
• Guy dodges foul ball, only to let it drill his girlfriend. An internet nation looks down its collective nose at this douchebaggery. [Big League Stew]
• Video of some youngster football player getting absolutely JACKED UP! during practice. [Busted Coverage]
• LeBron James got heckled at an Ohio amusement park. [You Been Blinded]
• Some very humorous “Postcards from NFL Training Camps.” [Joe Sports Fan]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Look, Are We Going To Spend The Rest Of This Board Meeting Talking About Why I’m Covered In Blood And Feces Or Are We Going To Talk Business?
Send tips, links and stories concerning how you made a scene because of how you were covered in bodily fluids to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. On second thought, disregard the last suggestion.
Emitt Smith, still riding the high of being conducted into the Hall of Fame a day earlier, axecidently deferred to veteran sportscaster Al Michaels as “Mike” during a live innerview during NBC’s coverage of the Hall of Fame Game between the Bengals and the Cowboys. Oops!
While it is possible that some people refer to Al Michaels as “Mike” as a shorthand version of his last name, my guess is, given his progenity to haphazardize the English languish, that Emmitt Smith had no clue what he was saying, as usual.
NOW SHOW EMMITT SMIFF HOW YOU DESCRIPTICATE TO ALL THE FANS OUT THERE IN TELEVISION LAND HOW THESE TEAMS UNDERSTAND IT’S VERY IMPORTANT TO BE ABLE TO MASTURBATE THAT BALL UP AND DOWN THE FEEL, MIKE! (H/T KSK)
[H/T The Fabulous Forum]
Screw “Madden Day” – so played - that crap is for video game geeky dweebs anyway. Friday, you see, is the real day you should have been looking forward to all along, because there be some radical stuff going down involving your favorite periodical incarnation of your favorite all-sports cable network! Sure, it’s the only periodical incarnation of an all-sports cable network out there, so the bar was not set very high, but still, this is…wait…hold on…
(makes virtual quotation marks with my hands)
“THE. BIG. NEWS.”
Ready? Here we go: the geniuses behind the magazine you have grown to love – or hate (and hate even more when they keep automatically re-upping your subscription every year) – have completed some behind-the-scenes, super-top-secret tinkering with the format and are prepared to put out the first “reimagined” issue of ESPN The Magazine on Friday. Whee!
I know what you’re wondering: how much better can they possibly make ESPN The Magazine? Why mess with perfection? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? Well, here’s the inside scoop from tWWL:
ESPN The Magazine will reveal its “reimagined” magazine this week when its College Football Preview issue hits newsstands Friday, August 13. ESPN The Magazine will now devote the majority of its pages to one sport or theme. Two of new sections in the “reimagined” ESPN The Magazine are called “Go” and “Play”.
God, I hope they devote a majority of an upcoming issue to the WNBA Playoffs. If not for every single fan of the WNBA (lesbian and non-lesbian), but to give this guy something to cheer about:
Jeez, the headline writers at The Telegraph are a surly bunch, aren’t they? Usually, when a person dies tragically at a relatively young age, despite any potential shortcomings in character, it is a generally accepted practice to at least report their death with some level of decorum and class. At least until the body has cooled. Granted, the person who passed away wasn’t some inbred member of the royal family, but apparently, The Telegraph feels they needn’t play by such rules, as evidenced by them referring to Antonio Pettigrew, who was found dead in his car just this morning as a “drug cheat.” That’s harsh, man.
Here’s the heartless way The Telegraph reported his untimely passing, in its entirety:
Pettigrew, who worked as an assistant coach at the University of North Carolina was discovered early on Tuesday morning in his car.
Pettigrew was part of the 4x 400 metre relay team together with Calvin Harrison, Michael Johnson and Alvin Harrison, that won the gold medal for the US in the Sydney Olympics in 2000, but the International Olympic Committee stripped the team of the medals in 2008 after Pettigrew admitted doping during a trial against former coach Trevor Graham.
Pettigrew had spent four seasons at North Carolina and focused on sprints, hurdle and relays. He graduated from St. Augustine’s in Raleigh in 1992.
Now, I’m not disputing that Pettigrew did in fact cheat in an athletic event, but does that warrant such a cold reaction to his death? I sure as hell don’t think so. Either way, I’m sure the editors who approved the headline and the writer of the article sincerely hope that Antonio Pettigrew rests in peace…that way, one day they can visit the site of his grave and take a great big steaming dump right on top of it. Jesus.
Drug cheat Antonio Pettigrew found dead in car [The Telegraph]
God, if you listenin’…HELLLLLP!!!
Alright, moving on from far-too-easy Sir-Smoke-Alot reference, Usain Bolt, after surprisingly losing to Tyson Gay in Stockholm last week in a 100m race, has decided that enough is enough trying to race while dealing with nagging injuries and will instead hang up his running shoes and take the rest of the season off to rest his ailing lower back after consulting with a Munich doctor on Monday. Via Reuters:
“I am very disappointed to miss two of the top meetings on the circuit — Zurich and Brussels — but trust that it is better for me not to take any risks this year,” said Bolt.
“2011 and 2012 are very important championship years and I hope to be back fully fit and healthy,” he added in reference to next year’s world championships in Daegu and the London Olympics.
The competitor that he is, it will come as no surprise to anyone if he comes back better and faster than ever after a few months rest. But for those of you ladies out there who think that Bolt is going to slack off and lose his focus, I have only this to tell you:
He’s impotent, man! Get away from him, bitch!
Okay, he’s not – at least, that has never been made know publicly, I just couldn’t help making one last Half Baked reference. Sue me.
Back injury ends Usain Bolt’s season [Reuters]
Athlete of the week: Tyson Gay sprints past Usain Bolt in 100m [USA Today]
All that video needs is some Benny Hill-esque “Yakety Sax” soundtrack music and we would have discovered video gold.
But I can see it now: the unnamed Chilean referee, after narrowly escaping an epic butt-whooping by the players after he slapped one of them when the player reacted negatively to being issued a red card, sitting in the office of the President of the Chilean Referee Oversight Board, attempting to explain what he could have possibly been thinking when he struck the Chilean second division player:
“Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started refereeing that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I’ve worked in a lot of soccer leagues and I tell you refs do that all the time.”
Or something like that. Who knew they made Bad Idea Referee Uniforms? In the end, I am sure that said slappy soccer ref will have to issue several heartfelt apologies to all parties affected by his actions, but if I were him, I would attempt to make amends with the player he struck by giving him a fancy, luxurious cashmere sweater. Red card – er, I mean dot – optional.
Referee starts riot by sending off player – then punching him in the face [Metro]
