Archive for August, 2010
To be perfectly frank, I have no idea whatsoever what this pseudo-slack-jawed yokel is talking about, but according to the YouTube title, Jimmy Joe is previewing the CARFAX 400, which I assume is a NASCAR race taking place this weekend at Michigan International Speedway.Despite Jimmy Joe’s unique delivery, I truly believe that he is actually passing along some pertinent information.
But really, that’s not that important right now. What is important is that the one-minute, eight-seconds I spent watching this amusing little video is more time than I have spent watching anything about NASCAR all year.
And in more ways than one, that’s a good thing.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Jeez, even Dennis Rodman is piling on LeBron James now. [Out of Bounds]
• You have to love the “Saving Myself For Tebow Athletic Dept.” t-shirt. The gal modeling it ain’t half bad either. [Busted Coverage]
• Breaking: Trainer locks Tim Tebow in hyperbaric chamber only to come back and find it empty three days later. [TAUNTR]
• There is nothing finer than watching Jack Nicklaus drain a 100-foot putt, unless he happens to be schooling Johnny Miller in the process. [Waggle Room]
• In other golf news, Phil Mickelson drills fan in gallery with ball, gives the guy an autographed glove for his troubles. Phil couldn’t get the glove on with his damn arthritis anyway. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Perhaps it’s high time for you to learn a little Ottiquette. [Melt Your Face Off]
• I bet when Owen Wilson puts on a Nationals uniform, he does so in a quirky manner. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Fire Rob Dibble! [Walkoff Walk]
• I don’t know about you, but to me, the movie Goodnight Vagina sounds awesome. [FilmDrunk]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Iran’s Nuclear Operation Revealed To Be Cover For Greatest Roller Coaster Ever
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Nice.
As regular visitors to the Sportress would surely attest, yours truly is quite the big fan and admirer of Miss Michelle Wie. And as a big fan and admirer, I regularly check out her recipes, artwork and, in Miss Wie’s words, “the stuff that doesn’t quite fit in” on her personal blog, Black Flamingo. But mostly I go there to see if she has uploaded any new photos in which she reveals a different and sexier side of herself than what we usually do not see on the golf course.
And more often than not, I’m rewarded for my efforts, and you guys are fortunate enough to benefit from said effort. If you need confirmation of this, feel free to comb through the vast archives contained within the Sportress. It’s quite easy to do, really: just grab one of the memory crystals shaped like a leggy female golfer that are lying about the Sportress, plug it in to one of the associated holes (ahem) and voila! Pure, Unadulterated Michelle Wie Sexiness!
It’s a beautiful thing, really.
bye bye france till next year [Black Flamingo]
Are you surprised by Jose Canseco’s tears, sir? Strong men also cry…strong men also cry. Even if said strong men got strong by using anabolic steroids, they still can cry. Especially when they are taking a buttload of female hormones after coming off a particularly intense steroid cycle, but that’s another story for another time.
Anyhoo, I came across the above cryptic tweet from Jose Canseco earlier this afternoon, and after doing a little poking around the eBays, I discovered that he is likely to referring to the fact he has been evicted from his Northbridge home in Los Angeles, at least according to TMZ.
But wait there’s more…tweets, that is.
At least that should be the first rule. Unfortunately for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, United States, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, they didn’t get the memo because on July 30th during their “Steal 3rd” promotion, 11-year-old Beecher Halladay suffered a dislocated elbow and a broken humerus when he immediately stumbled out of the gate, landing awkwardly on his left arm.
Video follows.
I have to admit, the above headline is entirely misleading given that the 12-year-old in question, Brad Dalke, is a golfer, not a football player, but I still imagine that Kiffin could be miffed that someone is trying to steal his thunder as it concerns the questionable ethics – whether initiated by the colleges or not – of even allowing kids to entertain the notion of which athletics program they intend to join before they have even had the chance to attend their first homecoming dance.
Further, I imagine Dalke’s verbal commitment to play golf at the University of Oklahoma will not cause quite the uproar or wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth as Kiffin’s recruitment of 13-year-old quarterback David Sills, who made a verbal commitment to play football at USC. Why? Because, well, it’s golf, not a big-time college sport so no one really gives a crap.
Dear God! Don’t do it, Patrick! Despite its tasty goodness, a stiff breakfast cocktail is never worth it!
Today marks Chicago Blackhawks winger Patrick Kane’s turn with Lord Stanley’s Cup and he’s back in his hometown of Buffalo, New York to celebrate. He kicked off the morning by hoisting the Cup at Niagara Falls, which if you ask me, is just a recipe for disaster given the kid’s proclivity for binge drinking-based revelry. Via Chicago Breaking Sports:
“I’m just really excited about the day,” Kane said while standing next to the Cup in the driveway of his Buffalo home. “This day is really going to help sink in everything that’s happened.
“I had trouble sleeping last night, I was so excited.”
Good for Patrick. But potentially bad for the Stanley Cup. Although, if Kane does elect to have a booze-fueled day of partying in Buffalo – which is well within his right and wouldn’t be that much of a stretch when compared with how most hockey players spend their day with the hallowed trophy – hopefully, at very least, he has the good sense to not drink and drive and instead have a cab convey his drunk ass around the idyllic upstate New York town.
On second thought, maybe a cab isn’t the wisest choice…
Kane’s time with Cup starts at Niagara Falls [Chicago Breaking Sports]
Patrick Kane’s Drunken Blur Of A Week [Mouthpiece Blog]
Kane arrested after allegedly assaulting, robbing cab driver [Puck Daddy]
I said, “Charles, don’t you ever crave
To appear on the front of the Daily Mail
Dressed in your Mother’s bridal veil?” – “The Queen Is Dead” by The Smiths
Yes, I know they are not actually referring to the royal grounds of Buckingham Palace with that headline, but it is clear the blokes writing headlines for The Sun were clearly angling for that kind of association with the reference. Of course, the story is about Tyson Gay’s running in the London Grand Prix at the Crystal Palace and how the absence of two of his rivals, Usain Bolt and Asafa Powell (?) make for a less-than-thrilling event.
Still, a tip of the old cap to whomever came up with the headline. Jolly good, sir. Jolly good.
I’m the Only Gay in the Palace [The Sun]
Er, or something. I have never quite gotten the hang of that “In Soviet Russia” bit. Yakov Smirnoff must be rolling over in his grave right about now.
Anyway, in an astounding feat of precision, amazing organization and um, a buttload of people sitting cross-legged and falling backwards, in what took 1 hour and 20 minutes, 10,267 people in China have broken the Guinness World Record for the largest procession of human dominoes, besting the previous record (9,234) set in Singapore in 2000.
Jeez, what an odd thing to take part in, right? What a bunch of Mongoloids. No really, the world record-breaking accomplishment was achieved in Inner Mongolia, so, by definition, these people truly are a bunch of Mongoloids.
Via a Reuters report on Yahoo!:
“The human dominoes were a success. The new record is 10,267 people. This is a new Guinness World record,” Guinness’ official Wu Shaohong said, in images broadcast on state television.
That’s incredible! Seriously, if that show, That’s Incredible! were still airing, this display would have certainly made the cut. Where have you gone, Cathy Lee Crosby?
Let’s go to the “Raw Video,” courtesy of the AFP.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Apologies for the technical difficulties yesterday, but it has finally prompted me to take care of some lingering problems with the inner workings of the Sportress once and for all. This weekend, a team of experts – well, an expert – will put the site through rigorous testing and a thorough cleaning up. You know in E.T. when Elliott’s house is taken over by those government agents and it’s all covered up and the guys in Hazmat are swarming the joint? Yeah, that’s what the Sportress will look like this weekend. Look forward to a new and improved site on Monday. This sucker is going to be a lean, mean sports blogging machine beginning next week. Be afraid: be very afraid. As always, send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• An international team of researchers have figured out no matter what configuration a Rubik’s cube starts off in, it can always be solved in 20 moves or less. Good to know. Still, I could never figure out that damn thing, at least now I know that I’m even dumber than I originally suspected. Next up for researchers: uncovering the secrets of this damn rage-inducing toy. Screw that thing. [Yahoo!/AFP]
• Ben Roethlisberger has changed his hometown in the Steelers media guide to some made-up city. Makes sense. [Out of Bounds]
• Yankees radio announcer John Kearns was at a loss when new Yankee Austin Kearns hit a home run. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Dear Lord! There are not enough black third base coaches in major league baseball! [With Leather]
• Rex Ryan is bound to be the biggest reality TV star ever. [Shutdown Corner]
• Speaking of which, here’s the money clip from the first episode of Hard Knocks. [The Legend of Cecilo Guante]
• Shaq’s new nickname is Tanya? The heck? [The Last Angry Fan]
• What a deal: buy a car, have dinner with Pete Rose. [Ted Williams Head]
• Time for another edition of the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones
The fog which has delayed the start of the 92nd PGA Championship at Whistling Straits in Kohler, Wisconsin this morning rolled in ominously, almost like a supernatural force unto itself, leaving players standing around and nervously waiting for it to lift, yet terribly afraid of what demonic creatures may be lurking within its soupy mist.
Just kidding. It’s just fog, people. Certainly nothing to be afraid of, unless you, like me, were creeped the hell out as a wee lad from watching the 1980 John Carpenter classic – not that dreadful remake from 2005. That atrocity was insultingly stupid.
Anyhoo, with the voyage back to my formative years to examine my fractured, haunted psyche out of the way, here’s the gist of what’s going down at the pristine Wisconsin golf course (via NBC Sports):
Bo Van Pelt, Scott Hebert and Vaughn Taylor were scheduled to tee off from the par-4 first at 8 a.m. ET, but that time was likely to be pushed back a couple hours.
“Once the fog has lifted and it is clear to play, the first starting time will be 30 minutes following that time,” officials said.
According to a report on ESPN Chicago, play is tentatively scheduled to resume at 11:10 ET, which means the fog will have caused a 3 hour, 10 minute delay. Hopefully, we don’t lose any players to things that go bump in the night. If you ask me, they should have just let the players venture out onto the course and play it as it is – it would be kind of like the “Fog Bowl,” the 1988 NFL Divisional Playoff game between the Eagles and Bears, only with unsuspecting bystanders getting drilled in the gallery by Tiger’s errant drives. Because they wouldn’t be able to see Tiger’s wild shots off the tee bearing down on them because of the fog, you see.
Fog delays start of PGA Championship [NBC Sports]
Heavy fog delays start of PGA [ESPN]
According to a report on TMZ, Earl Watson, a guard who played for the Indiana Pacers last season, filed for divorce last week from his actress wife, Jennifer Freeman (apparently, she was on that critically-acclaimed Wayans brother vehicle, My Wife and Kids), after he alleged that she viciously attacked him with an iron and bit him so hard on his chest that she broke the skin, causing bleeding. Kinky.
According to legal papers filed last week in L.A. County Superior Court, Watson claims things got bad on August 1st … when Jennifer received a suspicious text message at 11PM and Earl decided to check her phone.
Watson — who played with the Indiana Pacers last season — claims his wife was furious that he took the phone and reacted by hitting him “forcefully twice in the face with her right open hand.”
Watson claims Jennifer then “grabbed my right wrist and bit … breaking the skin, leaving teeth marks and drawing blood.” Once she let go of the wrist, Watson claims she then chomped down on his chest … again drawing blood.
Earl claims Jennifer then tried to attack him with an iron — but he was able to knock it out of her hand.
TMZ has since updated their original report after Watson’s attorney contacted the gossip site to inform them that Watson and Freeman (pictured above, in happier, less bitey, appliance-used-as-blunt weapon times) have reconciled and intend to live happily ever after, hopefully with out biting and iron play, unless that’s the kind of twisted sex stuff they like to get into, of course. To each their own, I guess.
Best of luck to the two lovebirds. May their ability to recover and move on after cannibalistic displays of jealousy and hostility and iron-wielding madness be an inspiration to all of us. If I could, I’d advise Watson to invest in a real nice muzzle, but you know, a jewel-encrusted one. Women do love diamonds.
NBA Player Accuses Wife of Vicious Attack [TMZ]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. I have nothing creative to say in my preamble this morning, so just send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com and have a cookie.
• In yesterday’s edition of Wake N’ Blog, the Sportress regaled you with the tale of Gary Korkuc, the man who was arrested after police discovered a cat locked in his trunk. To make matters worse, he claims he is not some twisted freak at all. Instead, Kitty Cooker insists that the “marinade” was blood and feces due to a miscarriage the cat had suffered. Problem is, the cat’s a male. Yeah, this guy is a few cans short a six-pack, to say the least. [azcentral]
• That clowns on that Icelandic soccer team are back at it again. What a bunch of clowns. [Out of Bounds]
• Mets closer Frankie Rodriguez was arrested and charged with third-degree assault after a fight with his father-in-law. That’s going to make for an awkward Thanksgiving. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Vikings insist that they don’t need Favre. No, they do. [Shutdown Corner]
• Speaking of Favre, here’s an amusing little story about a pizza buffet in Mankato, Minnesota – the site of Vikings training camp – having some fun with Brett’s non-appearance. [Busted Coverage]
• LeBron James: still annoying the hell out of everyone. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• The top 10 signs you are over-preparing for your fantasy football draft. [Five Tool Tool]
• The five funniest moments from the first episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Video of Texas A&M QB Jerrod Johnson’s karaoke performance of “No Diggity.” [Outside the Boxscore]
• Uh-oh: did Jimmy Johnson’s Extenze boner get him in trouble on the set of Survivor? [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Really Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
Above is a promo hyping the 6th season of the best comedy on television, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In it the cast praise Philly fans, who come out in droves whenever the show shoots in the City of Brotherly Love. Why? Because they’re a bunch of drunks, that’s why.
Can’t argue with that. We have years upon years upon years of drunken, taser-worthy, vomit-spewing buffoonery committed by Philly sports fans alone to qualify that statement.
Do you want to know something else which no one in their right mind would bother to argue? That it’s going to be awesome when new episodes start airing on September 16th. Sweet!
[H/T The700Level]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• That New Zealand bowler who whipped out his wang and wagged it at his teammates? Yeah, he’s been suspended from participating in the sport for 10 years. [Out of Bounds]
• The singer from the Strokes is writing a song for the Mets? Makes sense. Both the band and the team he is writing a song for suck ass. Apologies to all the members of the hipster set I offended with that comment. No I’m not. [With Leather]
• Jim Gray and Corey Pavin nearly mixed it up regarding Gray’s report which indicated Pavin has already selected Tiger Woods to be a member the Ryder Cup team, which Pavin vehemently denies. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Bill Belichick needs a bro or something to keep his man mammaries in place. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• With every passing day, my schoolboy crush on ESPN’s Michelle Beadle grows. What’s not to love? [Bob's Blitz]
• Scenes from a summer camp at Camp Ryan. Awesome. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The fellas at JSF break down last night’s Card-Reds brawl with clinical precision. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Speaking of the brawl, here’s the mosh remix. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Bears Spend Entire Day Waiting Around For Mike Martz To Install High-Powered Offense
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