Archive for August, 2010
Rumor has it Tiger is celebrating the divorce with a quiet meal at a neighborhood Perkins restaurant.
Man, I really thought these star-crossed lovers were going to make it in the end, but alas, according to a joint announcement, the nearly six-year marriage of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren is officially kaput (via CBS Sports).
“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future,” they said in a statement released by attorneys. “While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”
Jesus, even a statement announcing the demise of the embodiment of one of the most profound, emotional connections one can have with another person sounds cold, unemotional and robotic when it is issued by Tiger Woods. What was Tiger on when he approved that thing? Ambien?
Now that his marriage is over, I look forward to Tiger reassuming the mantle as the world’s greatest golfer. I mean, can you imagine how hard it is to swing a club with a crippling case of blue balls? So, Tiger’s handlers, I think we all know what comes next: all aboard the Whore Train!
Woods, wife Elin finalize divorce, will share custody of children [CBS Sports]
Earlier today, social pariah Jay Mariotti dumped something he should have gotten rid of long ago.
No, I’m not referring to his girlfriend (or presumably, his ex-girlfriend, unless she’s the kind of unfortunate woman who would find Charlie Sheen’s depraved methods of relationship maintenance charming). Nope, Chicago Breaking News has just reported that Mariotti has sold his palatial 4,200 square-foot, 10-room home in the posh Chicago suburb of Vernon Hills, which of course makes sense because Mariotti now spends most of his time getting charged with felonies in Los Angeles.
Mariotti appeared to be a motivated seller – retainers for criminal defense attorneys in LaLa Land can be pretty spendy – as he reduced the opening price of $665,000 twice, once 11 days after the original listing on July 15th to $614,500 on July 26th and then again to 610,000 just a day later. The home went under contract for sale on August 3rd. I cannot believe it took Mariotti this long to sell the house considering that the entire population of Chicagoland loathes the man.
Anyhoo, would you like a glimpse of how the “better” half live? Check out the description of his pad:
Built in 1993, the house has three baths, a two-story family room with a fireplace, a two-story foyer, a library with built-ins, a patio off the dining room, a deck off the family room, a master suite with a 22-foot-by-13-foot walk-in closet, and a kitchen with stainless steel appliances, an island, a walk-in pantry and a granite bar.
I wonder if his library has many leather bound books in it. Nah, it probably is filled with old columns of his where he criticizes athletes who have had their own issues with domestic violence. Pot. Kettle. Natch.
Columnist Mariotti sells Vernon Hills home [Chicago Breaking Sports]
Archive: Jay Mariotti Decrying Domestic Violence [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
Credit goes out to the great Spencer Hall over at Every Day Should Be Saturday for coming across this tweet from Keith McMillan who covers Division 3 Football for the appropriately-named D3Football.com. While Mr. McMillan does not reveal which D3 football coach provided that quote, it does give valuable insight to what makes D3 football, despite its lack of top-notch talent on the field as well as the coaching ranks, such a compelling thing to cover for the aspiring sports journalist: quotes about ice cream getting pumped up people’s butts.
Which brings me to my next thought: the quote is rather vague, isn’t it? Who is on the receiving end, so to speak, of the ice cream enema and who is the sick bastard administering the chilly procedure? Is the press pumping the coach’s colon full of Peppermint Bon Bon or Rocky Road and then telling the press about it or is something else going on here? It’s all so confusing. And unappetizing. There goes my idea of getting a Frosty as part of my lunch.
When I heard that Tom Brady was no fan of a program on HBO, I was secretly hoping the quarterback had seen the error in his ways and realized how much of a tool he had been to agree to appear on Entourage, that intelligence-insulting, pile of crap show. Seriously, who watches that drivel? But nope, Brady probably still loves that particular televised atrocity – just by looking at Brady, you can tell he fits the mold of the typical Entourage fan – but one HBO show he refuses to watch is Hard Knocks, which this season has been documenting the behind-the-scenes activities of a team which Tom Brady supposedly hates, the New York Jets.
Making his weekly Monday morning appearance on WEEI Radio in Boston, Brady had this to say (via ESPN Boston):
“I haven’t turned it on. I hate the Jets, so I refuse to support that show,” Brady told co-hosts John Dennis and Gerry Callahan.
Told that it’s hard to hate Jets coach Rex Ryan when watching the show, Brady responded, “I’m sure it’s great TV. I’m glad people are liking it but that’s just something I have no interest in watching. I’d love to say a lot of mean things, but I’d rather not do that either.”
Poor, poor HBO. How can they expect to achieve high ratings in the New England area without Tom Brady’s endorsement. The cable television juggernaut might as well air reruns of Arli$$ in place of episodes of Hard Knocks in the New England market now. Okay, that’s taking it a bit too harsh, but we are dealing with the sacred words uttered by one Tom Brady here. If he stared sporting adult diapers outside of his pants around Boston, there would be hundreds of yahdoods stockpiling Depend undergarments the next day.
Further, I imagine in the Brady household, Gisele is the all-powerful Keeper of the Remote, so poor Tom is probably watching a lot of HGTV and Lifetime during down time. Not that he complains. He loves the stuff.
Brady no fan of Jets, ‘Hard Knocks’ [ESPN Boston]
While the wisdom displayed by the parent and/or guardian who green-lighted the choice of attire of these two young whippersnappers last night’s Vikings-49ers game at Candlestick Park can be questioned, you can’t argue with the inherent truth behind the message contained on their matching t-shirts.
Although I do have to take the creator of these brilliant shirts somewhat to task for making the egregious error of having “Super Bowl” spelled as one word. It appears to likely be an issue of available space on the shirts and I suppose in light of everything, it should be overlooked.
[H/T SB Nation)]
Nationally-syndicated oddball Norman Chad has made quite the name for himself due to his cockeyed takes on the world of sport, so it should come as no surprise that his advice to Tiger Woods on how to get his game (and perhaps his personal life as well) back into top form would be a tad askew.
It takes Chad awhile to get around to making his point, but he finally sums it all up quite succinctly with the final four passages (via the Cleveland Plain Dealer):
How can Tiger fix it all? Maybe all he needs is a steam and a rub.
Or maybe, like George Costanza once on “Seinfeld,” Tiger needs to do the opposite of his instinct every time: Use the 2-iron instead of the 3- wood. Lay up from the trees instead of going for the green. Have some yogurt for breakfast instead of driving to Perkins.
But if I were him, I’d just take a road trip. No golf, no girls. Spend April in Paris. Go on safari. Read “The Unbearable Lightness of Being.” Rent “Animal Crackers” on DVD.
If all else fails, Tiger could just crawl back to Elin and lie like a dog. He’s had enough practice.
A steam and a rub, some road trips, a quick read and a Marx Brothers movie. Ha. If it were only that simple, right? God bless Norman Chad, that goofy bastard.
Offering some tips for Tiger Woods: The Book of Norman [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links, complaints, questions, inquiries, threats and love sonnets to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Far Out Grandpa. Richard Heritz, an 85-year-old Ohio resident, was arrested at the Warren Correction Institution in southwestern Ohio after attempting to smuggle 20 grams of marijuana into the penitentiary for his grandson, Gregory Heritz, who is in the hoosegow due to a burglary conviction. Grandpa Dick could face up to 7 years in prison and a $15,000 fine if convicted. But seriously, what jury is going to convict an 85-year-old man for pot? Further, what 85-year-old man knows where to score some buds? [Yahoo!/AP]
• Here was my initial take on the Mariotti arrest on Saturday I wrote for my weekend gig at OOB. [Out of Bounds]
• NHL tough guys be talking smack on Twitter now. [Puck Daddy]
• Breaking down Favre’s five minutes of action last night. [Shutdown Corner]
• So long, Lou Piniella. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Big 10 Network aired footage of a barbecue at a Michigan coach’s house. Said footage featured a fake semi-automatic handgun sitting on a counter. [Busted Coverage]
• This week’s top 12 takeaways from NFL Preseason action. [Five Too Tool]
• Delonte West to serve a 10-game suspension for driving with a bunch of weapons. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out
(Note: As long as Jimmy Joe keeps uploading these videos, I’ll keep embedding them)
Who’s ready for the Irwin Tools 500 this weekend? Jimmy Joe sure is! I’m not, I could give a rip about NASCAR, but I sure do love dem Jimmy Joe previews!! HOOOO-EEEE!
Have a good weekend, folks. Do something better than watching auto racing. Please.
It’s Six-Freaking-Something, What Happened?
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Apologies. Internet issues. I love computers!
• Be the first kid on your block to get the new limited edition Roger Clemens action figure! [Out of Bounds]
• Well, it’s kind of true: in an interview, Jimmy Johnson essentially calls Troy Aikman a pussy. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• Anna Kournikova was somewhere doing something. [Bob's Blitz]
• Chad Ochocinco plans elaborate prank on the Eagles, broadcasts it on Twitter, ends up at Waffle House. [TheWizWit]
• Make sure you pick up a copy of LaGarrette Blount’s Throwing a Jab On A Football Field For Dummies. [TAUNTR]
• Tyson Gillies’ cocaine bust was interesting. [The700Level]
• FAIL: Yankees threw a pool party for a quadruple amputee. [With Leather]
• Be sure to read up on your Friday Ottiquette Lesson. Don’t know what I’m referring to? That’s a shame. [Melt Your Face Off]
• A brave new world of Golf Metrics? Unpossible! [Waggle Room]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Midwest Peace Talks Shattered By Illinois Toll-Booth Bombing
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
You know, when I fearfully consider – which is quite often – how I intend to survive the multitude of disasters which will foretell the End of Days, my thoughts usually turn to Ultimate Fighting and the men who inhabit that strange world. Because hey, if someone is going to know how survive in a Road Warrior-type of post-apocalyptic world, it’s obviously going to be a person who knows how to beat someone else’s head in.
Thankfully for all of us, that’s where Forrest Griffin comes in. You see, Griffin, who can plainly see the writing on the wall that the world is going to Hell in a handbasket, has written his second book (his first one dealt with the Zen principles of hand-to-hand combat), a breezy summer read entitled When The Sh*t Goes Down: A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse.
Talk about a provocative title. Because if I learned one thing from Cypress Hill, it is most certainly that when the sh*t goes down, you better be ready (you better be ready!).
You might ask yourself, “Why would I need this book? Well, sir or madam, to determine whether you do or not, here’s a helpful checklist provided by Griffin on his official site:
1. Have you dug up your wife’s rose garden and built a fallout shelter, equipped with a prison where you can lock up annoying family members?
2. Have you mapped out an escape route to your safe zone?
3. Is there a vehicle of death sitting in your garage?
4. Have you filled your go bag with all the needed instruments, including waterproof matches, postapocalyptic goggles, and at least one sexual party favor?
5. Have you learned how to milk various types of animals, including a giraffe?
To promote the book, Griffin agreed to an interview with Neil Springer of the QMI Agency, excerpts of which was published in the Toronto Sun and believe you me, when someone gives this guy an opportunity to talk about his post-apocalyptic vision, a whole lot of batsh*t crazy goes down. There’s a lot to cover here, so buckle up.
I have never seen an episode of True Blood (I know! What a pathetic loser, right?), but I have to tip my cap to TAUNTR for utilizing a character from the HBO show, Mississippi Vampire King Russell Edgington, to help illustrate how enough is enough with ESPN’s insistence on oversaturating the sports media landscape with all things Brett Favre. And this is coming from a Vikings fan.
The worst part? Rachel Nichols barely bats an eye at the carnage, but I suppose that is what makes her the consummate professional we have all grown to love.
Favre Backlash Comes Full Circle [TAUNTR]
Everything’s coming up O’Brien!
After spending years in broadcasting purgatory due to his problems with drugs and alcohol which infamously came to light after several chemical-fueled, profane, stalker-like voicemails (“so fu**in’ hot,” as O’Brien would have likely referred to them) he left for a woman became public in 2005, Pat O’Brien has made his triumphant return to legitimate sports broadcasting with his nationally-syndicated radio program, the appropriately-named Loose Cannons, which is carried by Fox Sports Radio and airs weekdays from 3-7 p.m. ET.
For you young whippersnappers out there who might only know O’Brien from his days feasting at the trough of celebrity excess on Access Hollywood (a medium which he now believes “have ruined pop culture,” O’Brien was previously an accomplished and well-respected member of the sports broadcasting fraternity, spending 16 highly successful years with CBS Sports. At the same time, without the tremendous success of Access Hollywood, O’Brien might not have hobnobbed with the likes of President Bill Clinton or even worse, had the opportunity to rub elbows with the luscious Nancy O’Dell.
Another remarkable achievement O’Brien can celebrate: today marks his 665th day of sobriety, although it took him several attempts at rehab for it to stick (via USA Today):
O’Brien says addiction never affected his on-air work, “as far as I know. I’m a different person now.” He says he “went to three rehabs and none of them worked. I didn’t listen or participate. It was more my fault.”
His last rehab stuck after he figured “either you stop drinking now or you’re going to die.”
Now, says O’Brien, “I have tough skin. I’m back.”
Good for Pat O’Brien. Who says you can’t go back to where you started? To be honest, I always liked the guy, despite his hilariously awkward voicemail foibles came to light. In fact, they probably made me like the guy even more. It takes a special kind of brilliant freak to come up with that level of depravity. Trust me, I speak from experience. It makes me wish I would have saved those voicemails Nancy O’Dell left for me. Great gal, yet so deliciously naughty.
Pat O’Brien finds re-entry vehicle to sports broadcasting [USA Today]
Look out Giselle, it looks like you might be facing some “stiff” competition for Tom Brady’s affections. FOX Sports resident Lothario, Joe Buck cannot hold it in any longer and he doesn’t care who knows about it: his man-crush on Tom Brady, feelings he previously kept private and simply fantasized about in the privacy of his hotel room (except when the housekeeping staff accidentally walked in on him once or twice performing unnatural, unspeakable acts upon himself) have developed into an unquenchable, insatiable thirst for the “Dreamy Tom Brady.”
So much so, in fact, that he publicly declared his perverse infatuation with the New England Patriots quarterback during last night’s broadcast of the Patriots-Falcons preseason game. The relevant excerpt from the actual quote during last night’s broadcast: “…now the dreamy Tom Brady will take over for the Patriots…”
Was Buck kidding? Just playing around and having fun with Brady’s “Dreamboat” persona? Possibly, that Joe Buck fella is quite a cad. But to be perfectly honest, my guess is Buck would like nothing more than to Slam-a-Lam-A (Tom Brady’s) Ding Dong, if you catch my drift. Even if it meant while doing so Buck ashamedly realized he was committing a disgusting act. Just a hunch.
Fox’s Joe Buck refers to Patriots QB Tom Brady as ‘dreamy’ [The Huddle]
Or should the above read, “Caster Semenya Doesn’t Have The Balls To Show Up At The IAAF World Challenge In Berlin”?
It’s all so confusing, isn’t it? Crazy stuff, masculine female athletes. Who knows what to think? Martina Navratilova knows what I’m talking about.
Anyway, best of luck to Semenya in this weekend’s events. You go, gir-…it!
Caster Semenya returns to Berlin a year on from gender controversy [The Telegraph]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Did you guys miss me yesterday? Um, yeah, I took the day off yesterday, didn’t you notice? Oh, you did not. I see. Well, ain’t that a kick in the pants. Anyhoo, send tips, links and your deepest, heartfelt apologies for not noticing my absence to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• The best part about the hillbillies who are now suing the White Trash Warehouse Emporium? They were drinking the milk for three days before allegedly discovering the dead rodent. The attorney for the family, William Davis, claims his clients were “completely shocked.” Hey, we’re talking about Walmart here. Good luck to the slack-jawed Kentucky yokels on prevailing, but as alluded to above, I have seen this stunt tried before in Strange Brew. [azcentral]
• Stephen Colbert is not amused with Brett Favre. [Out of Bounds]
• Antonio Cromartie has like, a lot of kids. So many so, he can’t really remember them all. [With Leather]
• After criticizing the Jets coach’s pottymouth, Tony Dungy has accepted Rex Ryan’s invitation to attend a Jets practice. Let’s hope they duct tape Dungy to the goalposts. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Guy catches ball at Phillies game and doesn’t even spill his fries. [Bob's Blitz]
• Tennessee man punches son’s football coach in the mouth. Sounds about right. It is Tennessee. [Busted Coverage]
• Absolutely brilliant: what if Darth Vader was Ron Burgandy? [Ted Williams Head]
• Poor gal: the lovely and talented Michelle Beadle had the unfortunate experience of having to play softball with the Jonas Brothers. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, I’m her guy. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Blogger owns up to once owning a 1993 Drew Bledsoe Patriots jersey. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, like me and my authentic Tarvaris Jackson jersey, which still sadly hangs in my closet – right next to my authentic Daunte Culpepper jersey. Sigh. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• The top 11 takeaways from the Roger Clemens kerfuffle. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Video of a Redskins fan wrestling a Browns fan perfectly encapsulates the Cleveland Browns franchise. [Second-String Fullback]
• Chicago Bulls player Derrick Rose has his own personalized Skittles vending machine. Good for him, but personally, I think Skittles taste like ass. [The Last Angry Fan]
• It’s time for another epic edition of KSK’s Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Hollywood Rangers To Manage Overpopulation Problem By Killing Off 1,200 Celebrities
