Archive for August, 2010
Just when you thought ESPN couldn’t come up with even more inventive ways to enslave you to your television and the broadcast behemoth’s multitude of networks, ready or not, tWWL is about to roll out two brand-spanking new shows, and let me tell you, these programs are sure to simultaneously tickle your funny bone and paralyze your remote control-clicking finger!
The reason I ask is that it looks incredibly lifelike. So much so, in fact, I am afraid it might come to life and start annoying me to no end.
Captioned as:
Coming soon Ladies only – life size wax figure, comes with change of clothes and shoes and accessories, this is a wax figure example
Ladies only? Carson Palmer is going to be devastated.
That’s a new one. A fan attending the game between the hometown Richmond Flying Squirrels and the Reading Phillies apparently didn’t much appreciate the nerve of Reading pitcher J.C. Ramirez throwing a pitch to Richmond’s Brandon Belt had no choice but to foul off into the upper deck on the third base side, so he did what any sensible fan did when adhering to the “Gotta Support The Team” mantra: he fired the ball back onto the field, nailing Ramirez in the left leg.
The man, who was identified by security and escorted out of the stadium has been banned for life from The Diamond. No charges have been filed at this point, but Alan Nero, speaking on behalf of Octagon (are the managing partners of Octagon named James Westfall and Doctor Kenneth Noisewater?), the agency who represent Ramirez stated that “there doesn’t seem to be any significant injury to the extent that there would be some sort of lawsuit that would be based on some sort of damage. A decision has not yet been made as to whether any criminal charges will be placed.”
Grainy, Zapruder-quality video follows.
Step away from the ledge, Jay Mariotti! It’s only a suspension and it’s not like people are going to judge you prematurely until you at the very least have had your chance to adequately defend yourself in the court system!
Okay, maybe the second half of that previous statement isn’t entirely accurate – alright, it’s so inaccurate, there should be a new word invented to describe it. Perhaps erroneouschmockery? Yeah, that works.
The statement provided to SI‘s Richard Deistch by an AOL spokesperson (via Game On!):
“We are continuing to gather all the facts. In the meantime, we have suspended Jay Mariotti and are not featuring any new work from him.”
AOL had little choice but to suspend the disgraced columnist and one would be hard-pressed to find any logical reason to keep Mariotti on board as an active contributor at this time. FanHouse had already made the wise decision to turn off comments on his columns and this was the next rational step. One has to expect that ESPN will follow suit once Around the Horn returns from its week off, but I suppose we will just have to wait and see. ESPN has on occasion operated in a self-created vacuum of infallibility, so anything tWWL decides to do to address the latest headache created by the shameful indiscretions of its on-air talent would come as no surprise.
Jay Mariotti suspended by AOL after arrest [Game On!]
Judgement Jay: AOL Readers Turn On Mariotti [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
Um, yeah. According to Ramirez, it’s supposed to be blond. It goes without saying that Ramirez performed this hairdon’t on himself, but methinks he didn’t read the instructions on the box of Nice ‘N Easy unless the he was purchased and was going for the “Diarrhea Orange” color.
I guess I can’t say I blame him. Clearly, Ramirez woke up yesterday and realized he was tired with the same old same old needed to make a change, so like any normal man, the remedy for such a predicament was to try out a new hair color. It also coincided with Ramirez dropping down from leadoff to his new spot in the batting order, third, which became an easy decision for Marlins manager Edwin Rodriguez once he saw the new hair color, saying, “That was the turning point — I saw his hair color and it looked like a three hitter.”
I don’t know about you, but after seeing it, I might have thought it looked like Ramirez had a one-hitter or two before coming up with this hairbrained scheme (no pun intended), but that’s just me. Although judging from his performance in last night’s game against the Mets, it appears the new hairstyle, while hideous, might already be paying dividends: he went 4-5 with an RBI and a run scored in Florida’s 5-4 victory.
I suppose we should allow Ramirez to defend his actions himself. Video follows.
As you can plainly see courtesy of the above slideshow, the behemoths who joined Michelle Beadle and Colin Cowherd on SportsNation yesterday are completely dedicated to body building and a steroid-free power lifting experience. Yep.
While I will freely admit that these freaks of nature could squash me like a bug and then – not that I would want them to, of course – nurse me back to health via their ability to lactate Muscle Milk, they look ridiculous. And while I did not see SportsNation yesterday, I can reasonably surmise that meatheads like these guys are so not Michelle’s cup of tea. She’s much more interested in intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive men who can make wisecracks on the internets, men much like myself. Hey, I’m man enough to admit I openly wept during The Notebook. SHE HAD ALZHEIMER’S AND HE NEVER LEFT HER SIDE, DAMMIT! (H/T Gourmet Spud). AND IF THERE’S ANYONE OUT THERE – ESPECIALLY YOU, COLIN COWHERD, YA NANCY BOY – WHO HAS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT IS GONNA GET A BEATIN’!
All right. And let me say that what you’ve just read was a display of normal male envy and aggression, and in no way was the consequence of steroid abuse. Stay off the juice! The side effects aren’t worth it.
And for those of you out there who have no idea what the hell is going on here, below you will find the classic SNL skit, “How Much Ya Bench?”
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links and contraceptive-based recipes, preferably with diaphragms as the main ingredient to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A man in California alleges that while dining with his family at an Easter brunch, he bit into a condom which was mysteriously immersed in his French onion soup, an event which prompted Zdenek Philip Hodousek to promptly sue the litigiously-named restaurant chain, Claim Jumper. Terms were not disclosed, but thankfully, because of the condom the soup was not impregnated. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Is there anything better than great moments in MLB history played out on RBI Baseball? I think not. [Out of Bounds]
• BC needs your help in locating a YouTube video of a Newcastle fan with his dong hanging out which was promptly pulled from the site. Sportress readers…ASSEMBLE! [Busted Coverage]
• UFC’s Arianny Celeste will pose for Playboy. Nice. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Worldwide Leader in Censorship? ESPN pulls Rick Reilly video because he ripped Bud Selig. [Deadspin]
• Jayson Nix of the Cleveland Indians makes a nice catch, promptly falls on his head. [Bob's Blitz]
• Oh, Raiders fans…yikes. [SB Nation]
• Wait. Cedric Benson is indispensable? Huh. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Phil Mickelson speaks up on Jim Furyk being DQ’d for oversleeping. [Waggle Room]
• The five best moments from episode 3 of Hard Knocks. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The top 10 threats to fantasy football. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut
I don’t know how it would be possible, but in case you have forgotten since she took the internets by storm last year, Maria Verchenova, the 24-year-old Russian golfer, is alive and well and still competing on the Ladies European Tour. She sat down for an LET weekly feature (via Golf Babes), “The Full Swing” where she gave some provocative answers to the hodgepodge of questions thrown at her while alternately providing some profoundly disappointing ones as well.
Let’s start off with the disappointing:
10. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Big wallet (joking!)
11. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Women are not really my thing…
Aww, man. Well, it can’t all come up roses, right?
And now, a provocative answer (when taken completely out of context):
28. How would you like to die?
I would like to die in a blaze of glory.
29. What is your motto?
Go hard or go home.
Hummina hummina!
Chew on that response while you peruse the photo gallery I prepared for your viewing pleasure.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Divorce makes Tiger Woods sad. [Out of Bounds]
• In other Tiger-related news, Elin Nordegren grants an interview to People to announce she won’t be granting interviews. [With Leather]
• Furthermore, who needs Tiger anyway? The golf world now has Shaq, apparently. [Basketbawful]
• Did the Mets announcer imply that Luis Castillo enjoys gay sex? [Ted Williams Head]
• Dustin Pedroia has been lighting it up on Foursquare lately. [TAUNTR]
• As alluded to earlier at the Sportress, T.O. and Ochocinco are now officially Batman & Robin. See why. [Larry Brown Sports]
• These golf cart baseball hats are awesome. [Mr. Irrelevant]
• Some recommended comebacks for those kids who were yelled at by Bills coach Chan Gailey for heckling. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Oh dear: these camo Steelers jerseys are atrocious. [PSAMP]
• General Tao provides some perspective with This Day In History. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
The Proclaimers have jack squat on this guy.
You have to give Joe Paquette, Jr. credit. The 63-year-old Lions fan traversed over 400 miles on foot from his home in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula to Detroit just so he could see the Lions practice and to send the squad a message that it is high time for team to forgo their losing ways and begin their ascension to among the NFL’s elite…or maybe just win more games in a season than they lose. That would be a nice start.
Paquette began his journey on August 8th and arrived at Lions practice on Wednesday, where he was greeted by Lions head coach Jim Schwartz, QB Matt Stafford and several other members of the team. During his two-week journey, Pacquette would walk up to 32 1/2 miles per day in order to reach his destination.
But why did he do it?
“I needed to send them a message,” Paquette said.
And for Paquette, there is a sense of urgency – he ain’t going to be around forever, given that last year he learned he had high cholesterol among other health issues.
For those golfers out there who have had the fortuitous experience of leaving the public course behind and gaining admittance to a posh private golf club, you are undoubtedly aware that many of them insist on strict adherence to a laundry list of archaic rules and bylaws from a stuffier era long since past. For example: long pants are a must, collared shirts (no, not “collard” shirts, Pac Man Jones, but thanks for trying) only, shoes with soft spikes, one is never to drive their cart on the fairway unless one does so in a zig-zag fashion, a casual sense of institutional racism and of course, an insistence that one never looks the help in the eyes or shows them any modicum of respect are merely a beginning to the laundry list of edicts – commandments if you will – that these private courses require members and guest to follow.
Apparently, private golf courses in South Korea can be even more draconian than their counterparts here in the U.S., especially after the country’s National Human Rights Commission upheld a course’s right to refuse membership to a man who had an overabundance of tattoos.
Yeah, this entire T.O. & Ochocinco act isn’t getting tired at all. Nope, not played out one bit.
And believe me, those two knobs are already plotting their next routine highlighting their partnership. Who knows what legendary duo these wisenheimers will lampoon next? Captain and Tennille (“Throw That To Me One More Time”), Loggins & Messina (“Carson’s Song), Salt-n-Pepa (“Push It” – I ain’t going there), Donnie & Marie (“I’m A Little Bit Irritating, I’m a Little Bit of an Attention Whore”), Hall & Oates (“I Can’t Go For That (Ball Over The Middle – No Can Do)…the possibilities are endless. And those are just famous musical duos, I haven’t even begun to delve into famous historical pairings, like Anthony & Cleopatra (no homo).
Actually, I have a good guess what might be the most fitting duo of all for these two numskulls to emulate:
It was “Show Bud Selig Some Love For Once Day” in Milwaukee, as various MLB dignitaries mingled with former Brewers greats to pay homage to the former used car salesman who, despite the odds against him, returned Major League Baseball to the fair city. The Brewers organization paid tribute to the man by erecting a statue outside of Miller Park, where it joins statues memorializing the great contributions Robin Yount and Hank Aaron made to the city of Milwaukee’s baseball teams over the years.
Selig, displaying a self-deprecating sense of humor rarely seen, had some fun with the fact that he may not be the most good looking of men:
”Given the guy didn’t have much to work with because I was never confused with Clark Gable, I thought he did a masterful job,” Selig said at the unveiling Tuesday. ”I thought he captured me really remarkably well.”
Clark Gable? Why didn’t you dig a little deeper into the past for your “here’s an example of a guy who was far more handsome than me” reference? Why not go with Rudolph Valentino or you know, Joseph Merrick?
All kidding aside, the much reviled commissioner was clearly moved by the honor bestowed upon him (via FOX Sports/AP):
”In my respects, I see this as a tribute of a lifetime of service to my sport, my state and community,” Selig said of the statue. ”A community in which I was born and raised and continue to live. You have no idea how deeply touched I am.”
”I hope that one day when a child walks past that statue and says to his parent and asks, ‘Who’s that?’ the parent will say, ‘He was just a passionate man from Milwaukee, a youngster who just like you had a dream to make this a better place. He never lost hope and he never lost faith and through it he made baseball (and) the community a better place in which to live,”’ he said.
Okay. Now that we’ve properly honored the man, let us resume the vitriolic, unadulterated hatred for the guy. Just as it should be.
Selig statue unveiled at Brewers’ park [FOX Sports/AP]
On the other hand, perhaps there was a separate knob for the volume on the radio alarm. Which leads me to wonder, does Jim Furyk, who overslept this morning, thus missing his 7:30 tee time for a pro-am event today, prefer Top 40, Classical or Adult Contemporary for the music to rouse him from his pleasant slumber?
Now that I have exhausted my daily allotment of Seinfeld references, here’s how it happened: Furyk after awaking at 7:23, rushed to the course but did not arrive at the Ridgewood Country Club in Paramus, New Jersey until 7:35. What’s worse, his late arrival got him disqualified from the Barclays this weekend and the opportunity to compete for the $1.35 million prize. But all is not lost: missing the Barclays – which is an event in the FedEx Playoffs – will not prevent him from competing in the next round as he is currently in 3rd place in the standings as the top 100 in the FedEx Cup standings automatically move on.
But why did he oversleep? I can think of two distinct possibilities:
- Furyk was up way too late doing his complex and thorough Rogaine applications; or
- Furyk was up to all hours of the night doing his best to satisfy the insatiable sexual appetite of his comely wife, Tabitha.
Actually, Furyk told the AP that he typically sets his alarm on his cell phone and it lost power sometime during the night. At the same time, either of the above scenarios I came up with could be just as likely.
Jim Furyk DQ’d at Barclays for missing pro-am tee time [Golf.com]
Man, that photo is so full of win, I don’t even know where to start.
How about with the press release from ESPN Media Zone?
Jonathan Goldsmith, television commercial’s “Most Interesting Man in the World,” visited ESPN’s Bristol, Ct. HQ Tuesday. Along with some on-line chats, he was featured throughout ESPN2”s SportsNation, at one point replicating his TV lounge scene with co-hosts Colin Cowherd and Michelle Beadle, making “The Most Interesting NFL QB Predictions in the World.”
Man, the Most Interesting Man in the World had to suffer the indignity of putting up with Colin Freaking Cowherd? Stay douchey, my friends, right? I suppose that is a small price to pay to cozy up to the enchanting Michelle Beadle. Who wants to bet Goldsmith left ESPN’s Bristol campus twirling Michelle’s panties around his finger? I mean, the guy’s got some serious skills.
Photo gallery of Goldsmith’s appearance on SportsNation follow.
