Archive for August, 2010
Granted, the attorney for Lance Armstrong, Brian Daly, made his statement with a little more gravitas than the character Arthur Kirkland displayed in the classic scene from …And Justice for All, but Daly’s message was clear: that the grand jury which has been convened regarding his client’s alleged doping is a sham of the highest order. Via Reuters:
“This is a story full of anonymous sources and more inappropriate leaks of grand jury testimony designed to create a circus-like atmosphere,” Armstrong’s attorney Brian Daly said in a statement.
“The power of the federal government is being abused to pursue dated and discredited allegations, and that’s flat-out wrong, unethical, un-American, and a waste of taxpayer dollars.
I don’t mean to split hairs here, counselor, but do you want to know some real examples of things which are un-American?
Dating Sheryl Crow and a very public bromance with Matthew McConaughey. Those, good sir, are un-American. In the days of McCarthyism, those trespasses against the very ideals for what our great nation stands for were enough to get a person not only blacklisted, but possibly deported. And really, that’s all you and your bicycle-riding client are, Brian Daly, if that’s your real name: a couple of card-carrying, pinko commie bastards. Now put that in your pipe and smoke it, Comrade.
Armstrong lawyer labels doping probe “un-American” [Reuters]
As many of the regular readers of the Sportress – all four of you – are well aware of, it’s that I love The Onion. I also am quite fond of the eminently quotable Ozzie Guillen, so when I saw that The Onion had a column entitled “The Quotable Ozzie Guillen,” clearly, I became intrigued.
Since this is The Onion we are talking about, these quotes are obviously not real, authentic Guillenisms. But after reading them a couple of times, I came away thinking that, “Yeah, I could imagine Ozzie Guillen saying this stuff.” Here are a few of my personal favorites:
- 2006: “I very much love the people and the fans of Chicago, because they pay me very much to play a baseball manager in Chicago, even though I very much hate the people and fans in Chicago”
- 2006: “I don’t give s**t about the home-field advantages for the World Series. You know what I care about? Where the f**k is the Smash Mouth? Why aren’t they here for singing the ‘All Star’ song? I love that s**t”
- 2007: “I love Dustin Pedroia. He is very good hitter. And he has a strong back, so he could be climbed up on and I sit on his shoulders and ride around on him like riding a little horse that loves me and eats apples and I have to pitch around because he is a good hitter”
- 2008: “I never say one bad thing about those stupid fu**ing Cubs fans. Not a single word about those mother-shi**ing pieces of f**k”
- 2010: It’s not the fair for Japanese players have the interpreter. I want the interpreter so I can understand what the f**k it is I am talk about”
See what I mean? Those are definitely statements no one would be surprised in the least if they heard them coming out of Ozzie Guillen’s opinionated mouth. Which leads me to only one conclusion: Ozzie Guillen is officially Onion-proof, and accomplishing that is certainly a worthwhile achievement. Way to go, Ozzie. May your bats**t antics continue to entertain and baffle us for years to come.
The Quotable Ozzie Guillen [The Onion]
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! ESPN will shockingly forgo its tried and true practice of airing the most compelling game on the schedule and will instead broadcast the epic matchup between the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees for its Sunday Night Baseball coverage! Will wonders never cease? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
And just in case this earth-shattering bit of breaking news managed to elude the masses, ESPN actually issued a press release yesterday announce and point out that they made the monumental, albeit controversial, decision to nationally televise a Yankees-Red Sox game:
ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball will pit the New York Yankees, with Alex Rodriguez currently chasing his 600th home run, and the Boston Red Sox Aug. 8 at 8 p.m. ET. A.J. Burnett is scheduled to start for the Yankees, while Josh Beckett is expected to take the mound for the Red Sox. Jon Miller calls Sunday Night games with analysts Joe Morgan and Orel Hershiser. The game will also be available via ESPN Radio, ESPN3.com and ESPN Mobile TV.
Boy, wouldn’t it be something if A-Rod managed to hit his 600th home run during a nationally televised game? That would be the coolest!
What’s that? He already hit his 600th home run? Jeez, you’d think an all-powerful media conglomerate that fancies itself the Worldwide Leader in Sports would have known something like that. Weird.
Now that the ugly mess with all the embarrassing personal details which emerged during the Karen Cunagin Sypher extortion trial has reached a resolution – at least as far as the court system is concerned – Louisville head basketball coach Rick Pitino has little choice but to try and move on and pick up the pieces of his shattered public image, despite the public humiliation he endured which he has only himself to blame.
Fortunately for Pitino, he does have one extremely valuable person in his corner offering his support: his boss, Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich, who surprisingly went out of his way to praise the beleaguered coach on Thursday after Sypher was found guilty of three counts of extortion, referring to Pitino as a “grand ambassador” for Louisville’s athletics department.
Via an AP report in USA Today:
“I feel very proud in the fact that he did own up to everything,” Jurich said. “He understood the consequences taking this to the U.S. Attorney, taking this to the government. He knew his name would be dragged through the mud but he also wanted the facts out there because the only thing that would vindicate him in this case were the facts.
“He’s a grand ambassador for this athletic program,” he said. “When he came here (in 2001), it was a difficult time for all of us and he’s made it much, much better. This is an error in judgement [sic], which he’s always said and been up front with and I certainly think it won’t happen again.”
While I imagine the public display of support will serve Pitino well, I have to disagree with Jurich when he claims that “the facts” which emerged during the trial could in any way possibly serve to help “vindicate” the coach, among them that Pitino lasted only 15 seconds during his sexual encounter with Sypher, which he described as “unfortunate.” Nope. No vindication there. Just another heaping pile of humiliation added on to an already demeaning public ordeal. Yeah, I bet Pitino sincerely hopes something like that “won’t happen again” either. On many, many levels.
Louisville AD: Rick Pitino remains ‘grand ambassador’ [USA Today/AP]
Ky. woman guilty of extortion in coach Pitino case [Yahoo!/AP]
There are not many events that are held where you might see an elderly, stodgy white guy whip out a ginormous jockstrap and promptly place it upon his head while giving a speech, much to the delight of those in attendance. The Karl Malone charity roast from way back in 2006 was such an event. For some reason, these photos are making their way around the internets again and for that, we should all be thankful, because it raises the issue of when putting a jockstrap upon one’s head is an appropriate move. My advice would be, whether you happen to be an old white guy or not, that one should not attempt such silly shenanigans while, say, giving a eulogy or when addressing equal rights for transgendered women. Sometimes, you have to know your audience. I only wish someone would had informed me of that sooner. I still feel horrible about my eulogy at my “Uncle” Vera’s funeral. Talk about a unique mix of mourners. Awkward.
Anyhoo, above is a photo of Frank Layden, who many of you might know as the former general manager of the Utah Jazz, hamming it up at said Karl Malone charity roast. The folks at Ball Don’t Lie have all the details from the athletic supporter as headwear blast from the past:
To honor their superstar power forward, the Jazz hosted a charity roast of Malone featuring videos from Shaquille O’Neal(notes), Charles Barkley and country music singer Neal McCoy, whose “Last of a Dying Breed” served as the roast’s theme. Things are getting weirder, since Karl Malone isn’t a guy you usually associate with joking around and having fun. If the Jazz had hosted a charity weightlifting demonstration, that would make total sense. Even an anti-fashion show, with models in stonewashed jeans and tiny ties, would be more logical.
Then, at the roast, Jazz general manager Frank Layden pulled out an enormous jock strap, called it Karl Malone’s and put it on his head to finish his time at the podium.
Brilliant. By all accounts, Layden’s performance was a rousing success, but if the organizers were uncomfortable with it, they should have felt some trepidation regarding Layden’s routine when he informed them his act was “going to be like Carrot Top, only edgier.” Yeah.
The Karl Malone charity roast was pretty weird [Ball Don't Lie]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. No shirt, no shoes, no freaking service, so beat it, you damn filthy hippies. Send tips, links and whatnot to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Referred to by some British publisher as a “perfect meeting of ancient history and modernity,” the Kama Sutra, a 1,600-year-old sex manual, is now a Book on Tape. Personally, I find it surprising that an ancient tome chock-full of images of sexual positions could actually be made into an audio book, but there you go. I guess in a way the audio version of the Kama Sutra is a bit like the audio version of Peterotica, only without Betty White handling the reading duties. [Yahoo!/Reuters]
• Little League coach takes steroids, beats up rival coach, sentenced to jail. I can see that. [Out of Bounds]
• Michael Irvin once got his freak on while wearing his Hall of Fame jacket. I can see that, too. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Houston Texans rookie is being forced to ride a little pink tricycle as a hazing ritual. [Busted Coverage]
• Finally, Tiger Woods’ golf game has officially hit rock bottom after his performance yesterday at the Bridgestone Invitational. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Some 77-year-old lady sinks 50-foot putt, wins $10,000. Good for her. [Waggle Room]
• Drew Brees is now the official face of the NFL. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• The top 10 signs that Lance Armstrong is a doper. [Five Tool Tool]
• Mike Tyson talked MMA and Brock Lesnar on ESPN radio. [Outside the Boxscore]
• An absolutely awful professional wrestling promo. Yees
• The Onion Headline of the Day: National Machete Association Speaks Out Against Machete-Control Legislation
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• I missed this yesterday as I was kept busy putting out fires at the Sportress, but my good pal Josiah Schlatter got the opportunity to interview Jerry Rice and he positively nailed it. Well done, sir. [Out of Bounds]
• Roger Goodell and John Madden went on a road trip. Here’s the question: more like Dumb & Dumber or Thelma & Louise? [Busted Coverage]
• Awkward: University of Wisconsin photoshopped a black dude into a photo to make it appear more diverse. [Total Pro Sports]
• Jim Rome and Shaquille O’Neal are the latest sports celebrities to engage in a Twitterized pissing match. [Larry Brown Sports]
• This just in: Kobe Bryant and LeBron James are part of the Illuminati. Wait, what’s that? [Bob's Blitz]
• A-Rod was asked the same awkward question in two different languages. [Big League Stew]
• Dave Eckstein’s wife started up a website which caters to female Star Wars geeks. Cool. [Joe Sports Fan]
• So, what do you think of the Heritage Classic jerseys for the Canadiens and Flames? [Puck Daddy]
• Emmitt Smiff is my hands down my favorite KSK creation. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Heidi Watney looks positively stunning in her floral dress. What a doll. [Bugs & Cranks]
• The top 5 reasons why baseball is dying. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: ‘Modern Family’ Appears At 9 p.m. Just As Prophesied In ‘TV Guide’
Well, that wraps it up for today here at the Sportress. I’m still working a few bugs out but hopefully by tomorrow we’ll be back at full operating capacity. As always, send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Thanks.
Far out, dude.
We discussed the San Francisco Giants’ trippy Jerry Garcia Tribute Night promotion previously here at the Sportress, so if you haven’t heard about it yet, please go here for the lowdown. I assume that most Garcia-ophiles have already procured their tickets, but if you happened to have been tripping balls the past couple of weeks and never made it out of your “totally whacked-out” bathroom, I have some bad news for those of you who had hoped to attend the festivities on August 9th – the 15th anniversary of Garcia’s death – but having gotten tickets yet.
Unfortunately for you stinky, dirty hippies who waited this long to purchase special tickets (priced between $25-40), you guys are S.O.L. As you can plainly see above, all of those tickets have been sold out. Bummer. Even worse, dig this: the first 9,000 Deadheads who bought tickets to the event are going to receive the Jerry Garcia Bobblehead pictured above. While a totally cool item and sure to be quite the collector’s item, you would hate to have one of those bad boys sitting on you dresser if you started having a bad trip. Methinks a person freaking out could convince themselves that Bobblehead Jerry Garcia was trying to steal their soul or something, which would totally harsh anyone’s mellow, am I right?
Also a potential harsher of one’s mellow? Darren Rovell has reported that noted Deadhead Bill Walton will be in attendance. That guy is truly a delight. So, just root, root, root for the home team, Big Man…ROOT.ROOT.ROOT.
Jerry Garcia Night Already A Big Success [Sports Biz With Darren Rovell]
(previously at the Sportress: Don’t Take The Brown Acid During ‘Jerry Garcia Tribute Night’ At AT&T Park)
Even wildly successful men dressed up in foam sausage suits have been hit hard by these trying economic times. Even as employees of a major league baseball team, there they were – Brett Wurst, Stosh, Guido, Frankie Furter and Cinco – boarding an Amtrak train headed to Chicago from their hometown of Milwaukee so they could take in the Brewers-Cubs game at historic Wrigley Field. I have taken a few train rides in my life and while most journeys were nostalgic trips down memory lane regarding an antiquated, yet relaxing, method of travel. I mean, I have had the unfortunate experience of getting sat next to a big wiener, but this is ridiculous.
I imagine the Sausages had a nice hour-and-a-half trip down to the Windy City from the city which the Algonquin referred to as the good land,” it was an economical trip as well, given round trip tickets are…
(checks Amtrak website)
Twenty-two measly bucks?!? Why aren’t more people using this mode of transportation?
Oh yeah, train robbers. Scary stuff.
Brewers’ mascots ride Amtrak to Cubs game [Chicago Breaking Sports]
Oooooh, A-Rod, you just got friggin’ torched, dude! How does the New York Daily News‘ ass taste?
Wait a second. Silly me, newspapers don’t have assholes…or do they?
[H/T The Sports Hernia Blog]
Weed Against Speed, Resurrector Of Blogs
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I won’t lie to you guys: it was a pretty freaky scene behind the curtains here at the Sportress yesterday. From the outside, it may have appeared that the Sportress was humming along nicely, behind the scenes, Last Rites were being read, and just as the Sportress let out it last metaphorical breath, yours truly began scouring error logs and doing a bunch of stuff I had no place doing given my limited knowledge as it pertains to the mystical, baffling world of computer code and site administration. Here’s a hint for any other neophytes out there: don’t delete shit if you don’t know what it is or what it does.
But after much trial and error (and many more errors), I managed to raise the Sportress from the dead and return it to tiptop shape – or as tiptop shape as this blog is going to get without bringing in some big guns to clean up the mess I invariably caused by my tinkering.
We’ll return to a regular posting schedule this afternoon. Thanks for your patience and thanks for reading.
Well played, TMZ. Well played.
You see, it’s funny because it implies that Rachel Uchitel once had Tiger’s…well you know why it’s funny.
What are the salacious details contained within the tawdry-headlined story, you ask? Beats me. It probably has something to do with a whore doing whorish things but insisting that said whorish things are not whorish at all but instead are only mildly slutty or some such nonsense. Read the damn article yourself – I’m not your personal reader. And if you have a problem with that, why don’t you just go ahead and make like the wind…
And blow.
Lawyers to Rachel: Keep Tiger Out of Your Mouth [TMZ]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links and whatnot to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Parliament? More like Parliament Pornadelic, amirite? An online porn video disrupted a session of Indonesian Parliament when it appeared on dozens of computers outside the press room. It took security guards over 10 minutes to get the kinky stuff off the computers. Those clowns in Parliament did it again. What a bunch of clowns. A bunch of porn-downloading, horny clowns. [Yahoo!/AP]
• The 10 best quotes regarding Brett Favre’s “retirement.” [Shutdown Corner]
• Hearkening back to a simpler time in the Brett Favre Retirement Era. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Fantastic The Goodbye Girl Brett Favre/Brad Childress photoshop. [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• The Little League World Series is expanding instant replay. They should be expanding Erin Andrews’ role in the broadcasts if you ask me. [Out of Bounds]
• A-Rod missed the Yankees team picture on Tuesday. Douche. [Larry Brown Sports]
• This is one bad ass tailgating trailer. [Busted Coverage]
• D.C. area restaurant will treat customers to free ice cream if and when Albert Haynesworth passes his conditioning test. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Apparently, Joe DiMaggio wasn’t a big fan of being in the Army. Probably because it cut into his time spent at Dinky Donuts. [Big League Stew]
• Landon Donovan wants soccer fans to record their memories from the World Cup. [Bob's Blitz]
• Have no fear: LeBron James will be wearing a headband next season. Whew. [Ball Don't Lie]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Make-A-Wish Foundation Strongly Criticized After Dying 14-Year-Old Crashes Jet Make-A-Wish Foundation Strongly Criticized After Dying 14-Year-Old Crashes Jet
It’s 4:19(ish), You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:Apologies for the delay and the truncated version. I was “Hot Clicked” this afternoon. Usually, the Sportress’ server can handle the additional load when I am fortunate enough to get a link from Mr. Traina, but today it went into full-on Nibbles Mode. Apologies.
• Tiger is going to marry Rachel Uchitel once his divorce with Elin goes through….whaaaaa? [Out of Bounds]
• Interesting take: LeBron was right not to thank Cleveland. [Larry Brown Sports]
• In other LeBron news: LeBron buys ad in Muncie, IN paper to thank them for that time he stopped for gas [TAUNTR]
• Lookin’ good, Erin Andrews. Lookin’…good. [The Slanch Report]
• Apparently, there’s something about our National Anthem that makes A-Rod laugh. [Bob's Blitz]
• Here’s video of a doofus dancing poorly at a Dodgers game. [Walkoff Walk]
• Kurt Warner is going to be on Dancing With The Stars? Lame. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Here is a six-step plan to prepare yourself for the 2012 Sports Apocalypse. Haven’t heard about it? Be afraid. Be very afraid. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
…so, he has a lot of experience to fall back on when it comes to acting gigs involving douches.
(taps microphone) Is this thing on?
