Archive for August, 2010
Um, freak out much? Toledo police have released security camera video of an enraged woman having a complete meltdown in a McDonald’s drive-thru on New Year’s Day after employees refused to comply with her order of Chicken McNuggets because the restaurant was still serving breakfast. First the woman, who later was determined to be as drunk as a skunk (shocking, although living in Toledo may have also had an effect on her surly attitude), probably due to a little too much alcohol-induced revelry on New Year’s Eve, pries the window open and starts taking swings at the employee unlucky enough to have been assigned drive-thru duty that morning. Once the inebriated inbred gets her hair pulled by another employee, she goes into her car, finds a bottle and chucks it through the window, breaking it, before speeding off.
For her violently-enthralling act of rageaholism, the gal was later arrested, sentenced to 60 days in jail and was also ordered to pay for replacement of the drive-thru window.
Crazy stuff. But if you ask me, it is much more frustrating when you arrive at McDonald’s too late for breakfast when you have a hankering for a couple of Sausage McMuffins with Egg as opposed to getting to McD’s too early for McNuggets. I guess that’s how they roll in Toledo.
Video shows woman smashing window over McNuggets [Yahoo!/AP]
By a wide margin, Alexander Ovechkin is easily the Most Interesting Man In The NHL World. That the league does not wholeheartedly embrace his somewhat oddball, but always entertaining antics is a huge mistake, as the NHL, more than any other major professional sport, needs to do a much better job of highlighting and marketing the few engaging personalities they have in the fold, and the fact that the league has chosen the boring, vanilla Sidney Crosby truly shows how shortsighted it can be about how to grow the NHL brand.
Case in point: in a few short months, Ovechkin, the guy who I once dubbed “Unfrozen Caveman Hockey Player” back during my days at Melt Your Face Off, has caused more of a stir in the blogosphere to attract the attention of non-hockey fans than Crosby has done in his career. Ovie has, among other things, taken part in a hedonistic Turkish party boat soiree, been photographed maxing and relaxing while hanging out with a sheep and set the Russian gossip rags ablaze by going out with his new uber-skinny model girlfriend. Let’s face it: the guy knows how to live it up and maybe he might ruffle the feathers of the stodgy traditionalists among the conventional hockey fan set, the fact that people who don’t even follow hockey seem to enjoy following his every move and find him incredibly compelling is a development which the brain wizards behind the NHL’s marketing machine should take notice and embrace.
Now, courtesy of Washington Capitals-centric blog Russian Machine Never Breaks (via D.C. Sports Bog) comes two shining examples which characterize Alexander Ovechkin’s ever-expanding cult of personality. First off is his t-shirt which praises the merits of female streaking seen above (video from which screencap is pulled here – note on video: Moscow looks really nice – is Ovie in a Cold War-era bunker or something?) And even better than that, a video (via Russian Machine’s Twitter account) depicting what every young Russian hotshot dreams of doing: cruising around the streets of Moscow kicking it to some Tupac cranked-up on the car stereo. Picture him rollin’! Actually, you don’t have to picture him rollin’, you can see it for yourself:
Wake N’ Blog: Play ‘Em Off, Vacuum Cat
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Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links and funny things your cat does to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Wait. You actually own a cat, the most worthless pet in the world? Loser. I’d rather have a turtle.
• German emergency services were called to a house in Bayreuth after neighbors heard shrieks from a cat and a running vacuum cleaner. Apparently, the damn cat scared the crap out of itself after accidentally turning on the vacuum. But fear not, the cat is reportedly now resting comfortably and will continue to live its life as a complete waste of space for many years to come. [Yahoo!/AP]
• The Ichiro Suzuki “Ask a Bobblehead” gimmick is teh awesome. [Out of Bounds]
• Chad Ochocinco refers to his wang as “Russell the Love Muscle.” Sigh. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Is “Madden Day” not as exciting as it used to be? [Shutdown Corner]
• Speaking of Madden 11, here are the top 10 rejected Madden modes. [Five Tool Tool]
• Maria Sharapova: still looking prettay prettay prettay prettay good. [Bob's Blitz]
• The occasionally visceral but always provocative Buzz Bissinger is not very pleased with LeBron James’ latest antics, despite their once close working relationship. [Deuce of Davenport]
• The NHL actually succeeded in something after an arbitrator ruled in the league’s favor when it voided Ilya Kovalchuk 17-year contract. [Puck Daddy]
• Brave man takes in Detroit Lions training camp, submits enlightening report. [Second String Fullback]
• Ben Roethlisberger is doing yoga with his mom? [Mondesi's House]
• OH NOS! Justin Bieber got hit in the head with a water bottle! Has anyone told Shaq yet? [You Been Blinded]
• Jeff Van Gundy is really high on the Miami Heat, as opposed to paint, which is his usual mood-altering substance of choice. [Ball Don't Lie]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: [video] Christian Charity Raising Money To Feed Non-Gay Famine Victims
GAH! Sweet holy hell, that is horrible.
And here we thought that simply being a Mets fan was painful enough, due to recently filed lawsuits, the story (and squirm-inducing photo) of Mets fan James Falzon is brought back into public consciousness.
If you happen to be a Mets fan (you poor bastard), you just might recall what happened way back in August of 2007, when Falzon, a 50-year-old Mets fan, was sitting in the second row along the third base line in Shea Stadium when after Luis Castillo’s bat shattered on a fly ball, got drilled in the face by pieces of the bat, resulting in “multiple facial fractures, a broken nose, busted teeth and a smashed jaw.” The lawsuit alleges that the fact the bat was made out of maple, not ash, makes the parties involved culpable and responsible for his nasty injuries. Falzon is now suing the New York Mets, Luis Castillo (who still plays for the Mets), ex-Mets catcher Ramon Castro (who borrowed Castillo the bat), Major League Baseball and Jarden Corp., the company who that owns Rawlings, the manufacturer of the bat. Jeez, I hope Falzon’s attorneys didn’t neglect to name anyone else whose ass they could sue.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Yeah, dying while competing in something called the World Sauna Championships is not the best way to go. [Out of Bounds]
• Jesus! Chris Berman’s Hall of Fame speech lasted 28 freaking minutes? It’s like nobody has ever been invited to a Hall of Fame ceremony before!! I mean, Jesus! [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• The headline writer for this ESPN Euro story is awesome. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• CNN anchor Robin Meade threw out the first pitch before the Indians-Twins game yesterday, much to the delight of Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. [Busted Coverage]
• Attempting to explain the true meaning behind Tim Tebow’s brand new hairdon’t. [You Been Blinded ]
• People, people: do not fall into the trap of taking preseason football too seriously. [With Leather]
• T.O. needs to let go and move on from his Dallas days. In other words, T.O.: quityerbitchin. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Ladies and gentlemen, the Lance Berkman obituary. [TAUNTR]
• Peter King regales with his stories about how he flies in a lot of planes. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Area Man Has No Idea Why He Wrote ‘Gazebo Convo-Resolve/Tues (!?)’ In Planner Six Weeks Ago
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Thankee.
Get it? Walking papers? As he was fired? And his name is Wakamatsu, which kind of has the word “walk” in it but not really? Hello?
Screw you guys. I thought it was solid. Granted, it wasn’t as great of a headline as the one Kris Liakos knocked out of the park over at Walkoff Walk:
Walkoff Wak: Struggling Seattle Squad Shitcans Sophomore Skipper
That’s gold, Jerry. Gold.
Struggling Mariners fire manager Don Wakamatsu
New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs utilized his first appearance of training camp in front of media members to send out a political message regarding something which I am sure we can all agree is one of the great social injustices of our time:
The fact that Plaxico Burress has not been released from prison so he continue to make millions of dollars playing football when he is not shooting himself in the leg. Free Plaxico!!
The shirt (above, partially visible), which reads, “Free 17 Let Him Ball Out,” is nothing fancy, something you could probably have made at a kiosk at the mall, but its message is in your face and screams grass roots activism for those who are far too often unheard, silenced, persecuted and victimized: the filthy rich professional athlete.
Burress, Jacobs’ former teammate, you see, applied for work release last month for the second time since he was incarcerated, but the wheels of justice move far too slow for Jacobs’ liking, hence the t-shirt. Via ESPN New York:
“You won’t see that anywhere unless you go and get it made just like I did,” Jacobs said of one of his best friends. “We talked once a week before camp started. I’m just hoping for the best for him and his family. Hopefully he can get out and continue his career.”
Great work on the customized t-shirt, Brandon Jacobs. While it is not quite on par with walking down the street in protest while carrying a “Free Leonard Peltier” banner or even better buying a “Free Nelson Mandela” shirt for your dog, Jacobs’ brand of political activism is a refreshing sight in these days of selfish, self-absorbed professional athletes.
You know, speaking of Leonard Peltier, maybe Jacobs and others who share his revolutionary brand of social justice should band together and attempt to convince Rage Against The Machine to write a song about Plaxico’s unjust incarceration.
Brandon Jacobs lobbies for Burress [ESPN New York]
The saddest part of that headline? Jimmy Johnson, the former Dallas Cowboys head coach, current FOX NFL analyst and recently (officially)-named castaway on Survivor: Nicaragua actually says, “How ’bout them castaways?” as some point during the competition. Ugh. That joke is about as flaccid as I get looking at photos of the geriatric broads Jimmy so loves to spend time with while getting blackout wasted.
Anyhoo, CBS officially announced the roster of castaways for the upcoming season and sure enough, there’s Jimmy Johnson (above, back row, second from right, wearing some makeshift blue headband or something).
Official press release and Jimmy’s introductory video follows.
If you look real closely at the above image, you can almost see a Hispanic family getting hassled by security and being forced to produce identification a few rows up along the third base line. I suppose you could call it a “Where’s Paco?” exercise if you wanted to, but that would be wholly inappropriate in light of the controversy. I think. I don’t know – are we supposed to be talking about this?
In any event, the Arizona Diamondbacks, as part of the roll out for their campaign promoting season ticket renewal packages and in an incredibly under-the-radar approach, unveiled the logo for the 2011 All-Star Game which is still scheduled to take place on July 12th next season at Chase Field in Phoenix. That is, unless the boycotters, protesters and rabble-rousers have their way and get the Midsummer Classic moved to another locale in light of Arizona’s recently-enacted, highly controversial immigration law. Via azcentral:
“The reason we have not is because there’s been so much noise and attention around the political matter,” Diamondbacks CEO Derrick Hall said. “However, we needed to include the logo in our renewal package because it’s a big part of our sales pitch for the upcoming season.”
Hall said he anticipates a more public unveiling, including a banner or sign of some sort at Chase Field, where there currently is no All-Star Game signage.
“We’ll talk to Major League Baseball,” he said. “With the logo out there now, why couldn’t we put it up and have a presence at the ballpark so the fans can celebrate it and the anticipation can grow.”
Man, it must suck to be the Arizona Diamondbacks organization right about now. When they should be excited about the upcoming All-Star Game as a means to showcase their stadium, team, fans and the city they call home, they are instead caught between a rock and a hard place due to an incredibly heated political flame war. But it did not necessarily have to be this way. The Diamondbacks, unfortunately, have been dragged into this mess due to Managing General Partner Ken Kendrick’s contributions to Republican politicians who supported the new law – going as far as allegedly holding a private fundraiser in his owner’s box at Chase Field for State Senator Jonathan Paton, who supported SB 1070, although Kendrick later went on record as saying he opposes the law.
Boy, quite the conundrum, huh? But the logo sure is pretty, isn’t it?
Arizona Diamondbacks quietly introduce All-Star Game logo [azcentral]
The Ugly Truth: How Diamondbacks Owner Ken Kendrick Continues to Support SB 1070 [The Huffington Post]
Arizona Diamondbacks’ Ken Kendrick, MLB players union issue statements on immigration law [azcentral]
And here Roger Federer thought Rafael Nadal was a petulant little jerk.
Roger Federer and Sidney Crosby, titans of their respective sports, were both in town in Toronto over the weekend: Federer for the Rogers Cup and Crosby for…I don’t know, for a dose of Canadianicity or something. But OMG! Guess what? Their birthdays are only one day apart! Crosby turned 23 on Saturday and Federer turned the ancient – in professional tennis terms – 29.
Unfortunately, the two were supposed to meet up and mess around on the tennis courts but the rainy weather in Toronto altered practice schedules and it was not to be. After undoubtedly throwing a temper tantrum – I’m speculating here, but it wouldn’t be shocking – Crosby, a self-described avid tennis fan, still thought it was pretty cool to meet the legendary Federer (via the Toronto Star)
“Just getting a chance to meet some of these guys is enough,” said Crosby, “but I’d love to be able to hit around (with one of the big stars).”
Crosby, after yet another temper tantrum because he couldn’t get the straw stuck into his Capri-Sun (just kidding, he probably only had one meltdown) added:
“Getting the chance to meet Roger and a few of the guys is something I want to take advantage of here,” said the Pittsburgh Penguins captain. “I follow (tennis) a lot … so this is a pretty neat experience for me.
“He mentioned that he watched the Olympics and stuff like that. I’d mentioned that I’d seen him play in the U.S. Open, pretty general talk,” said Crosby. “I think it’s pretty neat, being athletes and being able to relate to certain things, it’s always fun to understand and learn what he may go through.”
Fascinating. Now, for those of you who find video of two grown men being forced to pose in front of a shared birthday cake intoxicating, video follows.
Because if you can, please get in touch with me so we can translate this above column from the sports section of The Salt Lake Tribune. To be honest, I am not entirely sure what language this article is written in, but since it is from the Happy Good Time Mormon Capital of the World, I’m just making my best guess. Frankly, I had no idea that the Mormons had their own language. I guess the secret is out now.
Although, upon closer inspection, I suppose it kind of looks like Latin, too. But that doesn’t answer the question at hand: why are Utahians trying to confuse people on the internets by publishing articles in some rarely-used language? And what kind of headline is that? Xjxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx? How does one even begin to pronounce that jumbled mess of Xs? Weirdos, the lot of them, I tell ya.
Even worse, after I read it out loud, the ground split beneath me and out of it in a haze of acrid smoke, some demon creature emerged and requested that I free it from its bondage, but I said, “Heck no, I ain’t into that kinky stuff. Go try that sick stuff on some other sap, you perverted hellbeast.”
Xjxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [The Salt Lake Tribune]
While A-Rod made headlines over the weekend by getting drilled by a Lance Berkman-batted ball on Saturday during batting practice (way to go, Joe Buck!) which ultimately caused him to be scratched for Saturday’s game against the Red Sox, the slugger allowed his off-the-field persona take center stage Sunday morning when he met with some Little Urban Achievers at Yankee Stadium. And if the above photo is any illustration, A-Rod’s off-the-field persona and mugging can be just as aggravating as it is between the lines.
The six lucky students who got to meet with Rodriguez were from the Bronx Preparatory Charter School, and were hand-picked by the principal of the school due to their academic accomplishments.
In typical A-Rod fashion, although probably appropriate considering the nature of the event, he did not address his divorce, performance-enhancing drug use and why everybody except Yankees fans seem to hate him with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns. From an AP report (via ESPN New York)
“As I came up to 600 — it took a lot longer — and I had time to think about what I wanted to do,” said Rodriguez, who went 12 days before becoming the seventh player to reach the milestone. “I wanted to encourage you to celebrate your great work, let you know it’s not being ignored.”
And while stating he was “at peace” with himself despite having to come clean about his steroid use during spring training in 2009, he also had a message for the youngsters: you don’t have to be a cheat and a fraud to be a “hero” just like him:
“You can be a cop or an attorney, nurse, doctor and find other ways to be heroes in your community,” Rodriguez said.
Good to know. Good to know. But what A-Rod should have done is give the kids advice and some tips on how to appear to be a sanctimonious, narcissistic jagoff in every single photograph taken of them. Those are the kinds of like skills that can really take a person places.
Alex Rodriguez celebrates with students [ESPN New York/AP]
Joe Buck denies distracting Alex Rodriguez prior to injury [USA Today]
(previously at the Sportress: Just When It Seemed A-Rod Couldn’t Be Any More Punchable, This Photo Comes Along…)
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. You know…for kids! Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Last Tuesday, a woman dressed up as Suzie Pancake, the mascot for the International House of Pancakes, was assaulted by a bystander outside an IHOP in Bellingham, Washington. As the 19-year-old woman in a pancake suit waved to passersby, 22-year-old James Manas approached her and started yelling at the Pancake Woman and slapping at her suit. He was later arrested. Yeah, real tough guy. I’d like to see him try pulling that crap with a guy dressed up as a Belgian waffle. [azcentral]
• Colts defensive tackle John Gill found drunk in ditch, charged with public intoxication and then had the charges dropped for some unknown reason. [Busted Coverage]
• Should Tiger Woods have skipped the 2010 season entirely? [Waggle Room]
• Happy 2nd anniversary to Bob’s Blitz! That’s like 50 in blog years. [Bob's Blitz]
• The Mets are the suckiest bunch of suckers who have ever sucked, particularly on the road. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Jerry Rice must think that the bird is the word. Flipping the bird, at least. [You Been Blinded]
• Maria Menounos kicked some seriously sexy booty at the Madden NFL 11 Pigskin Pro-Am Game. She also apparently played well, too. [Ted Williams Head]
• A sampling of some terrifically awful fantasy football names. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Minor League mayhem: guy will attempt to circle the bases while on fire. [Out of Bounds]
• John Daly’s clothing company, Loudmouth Golf, has signed a contract with the University of Tennessee to provide clothing for the school. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Brett Favre confuses psychic octopus. Never suspected that I would write that sentence. [With Leather]
• Expect loftiness when Peter King and Chris Mortensen get together. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Holy rookie hazing haircut, Batman! [Busted Coverage]
• Joe Cowley, who writes about the White Sox for the Chicago Sun Times, is quite the cad. [Walkoff Walk]
• Chris Cooley stuffs a kid in Donovan McNabb’s locker, scares the crap out of the new Redskins quarterback. [Shutdown Corner]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Mike Shanahan Cancels Rest Of Redskins Practices: ‘We’re As Good As We Can Get’
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Off all the talking heads who cover the MLB for ESPN, I would have to say my favorite would be Buster Olney. He doesn’t have a grating personality, he doesn’t make moronic comments (like many of his colleagues) and he seems to know his stuff. That is why I was very pleased to know that tonight, Buster returns to his roots as he will be back in Vermont to make an appearance at Centennial Field, home of the Lake Monsters, the short-season A affiliate of the Washington Nationals. To pay tribute to Vermont’s native son, not only will Olney be throwing out the first pitch, the Lake Monsters will be also be giving out Buster Olney bobbleheads to the first 500 fans in attendance.
As you might recall, last month the Sportress had a story about Tim Kurkijan and his very own Bobblehead Night where I made the following comment, which now appears to be quite the astute observation: “Still, I know a lot of you out there are terribly disappointed about missing your chance. Dry your tears, friends. I am sure there is a Jayson Stark or even a Buster Olney Bobblehead Night on a minor league team’s schedule sometime, somewhere. Dare to dream, folks, and it can become a reality.”
I’m like the Paul the Octopus of ESPN personality bobblehead night prognosticating or something.
Video of Dana Jacobson’s interview with Buster Olney’s bobblehead from First Take as well as Olney’s thoughts about throwing out the first pitch and how he just might be overthinking himself into total failure and humiliation follows.
