Archive for July, 2010
LeBron James Buttwipe? LeBron James Buttwipe
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Some enterprising entrepreneur who markets his wares at eBay has come up with a brilliant – and likely profitable – way of capitalizing on the bitterness felt by the Cleveland fans regarding their native son hightailing it out of town and the utter contempt they feel for the now expatriate.
I doubt the above product could have help Cavaliers fans when they crapped their pants after hearing the announcement last night, but in the future, any time nature calls at least they can have the satisfaction of wiping their butts with LeBron James toilet paper.
It’s the little things that can make all the difference. And speaking of small things, LeBron James is the dingleberry on the metaphorical ass which represents how it feels to be a Cleveland Cavaliers fan right about now. Or something like that. I just wanted to make a dingleberry joke. Did it work?
[H/T Steady Burn]
According to an economic impact study commissioned by Mayor Bloomberg, the fact that LeBron’s Magical Mystery Tour landed him in Miami instead of the Big Apple has robbed the city coffers of an astonishing sum of $58 million, although one can only guess how the bean counters came up with that number. Sounds pretty absurd to me, but hey, I’m no mathemagician. Via the New York Daily News:
“A guy like LeBron has a trickle down effect,” said Steve Rosner, a sports marketing expert who runs 16W Marketing in East Rutherford, N.J.
“It starts with the team, but many of the other businesses that are connected to the sports world profit as well,” he added.
The Bloomberg study pegged the LeBron factor at $57.8 million per year, assuming James would fill hotels, restaurants and shops by leading the Knicks into the playoffs.
Oh, it’s $57.8 million, not $58 million? Well, that’s a different story entirely. I can believe that. However, I do have some issues with their calculations. Did it have to be LeBron that led the Knicks to the playoffs? Who is to say that the Knickerbockers won’t make the playoffs next season in spite of losing the LeBronathon?
(checks roster for New York Knicks)
I see. Alright, maybe this study does have some validity. My mistake.
LeBron James joins Miami Heat: New York misses out on $58M annual windfall, study shows [New York Daily News]
Of course, that post title is a reference to Buzz’s epic rant during his appearance on Costas Now when he mercilessly hammered on Deadspin Editor Emeritus Will Leitch and used the classic line, “it really pisses the shit out of me.” Good times. Heady times.
But I digress. Unfortunately for us but fortunately for Buzz’s relationship with the FCC, he managed to keep it clean when he appeared on Fox Sports Radio in Los Angeles, but to say he was happy with his co-author’s (Buzz co-wrote the LeBron James’ biography, Shooting Stars with the basketball player) decision would be woefully inaccurate. To wit (via Sports Radio Interviews):
“Yeah, I mean, I found it frankly disgusting and it was simply not the LeBron James…look, I don’t know him that well, but I spent time with him, I spent a lot of time with the people around him, and when I spent time with him for the book, he was grounded and down to earth and had a certain humility. And then I feel this whole free agency thing was handled terrible. Whether it was appearing with Larry king during the NBA Playoffs, whether it was not talking to Tom Izzo, whether it was making all these grown men grovel at his feet in Cleveland and Akron and then culminating in one of the most boring hour and fourteen minutes of television that I’ve ever seen, I didn’t buy it and I don’t think it helped him.”
Preach on, Buzz. Preach on. Although it’s not the same without the white-hot rage which typifies a majority of Buzz’s commentary. I mean, have you ever checked out his Twitter account? It’s enthralling. Even better, there’s a whole lot of Buzz calling people Douche Juices, which is quite the endearing term…for someone you hold beneath contempt, which I think characterizes Buzz’s general feelings about every single person he comes into contact with – something I greatly admire.
Buzz Bissinger Doesn’t Quite Recognize The LeBron James He Once Worked With [Sports Radio Interviews]
Parakeet VS. Octopus…WHO YA GOT??
It’s certainly a tough call – if we’re talking a no-holds-barred physical battle, I guess it would all depend on the location of said battle, water or dry land. But if we’re talking World Cup predictions, that is even tougher to determine.
I’ll allow the AFP to fill you in on the details:
The bird, named Mani, has rapidly gained cult status among gambling-mad soccer fans who have been flocking to its owner’s shop in Singapore’s Little India district in the hope of winning big.
Local media reports said Mani used its beak to pick a card bearing the flag of the Netherlands over one with Spain’s national colours.
“With the World Cup in its final stage, Mani is now literally the talk of the town — and many are going with its prediction of the Dutch team winning its first-ever World Cup title,” Channel NewsAsia said on its website.
It said Mani and its owner, astrologer M. Muniyappan, used to see about 10 customers on an average day but now they entertain the same number in just one hour.
Dubbed “magical bird” and “homegrown psychic parakeet” by the local media, Mani accurately predicted the outcome of the game in which Spain won over Germany to set the showdown with the Netherlands, which beat Paraguay.
I don’t know, man. I think I’m sticking with Paul the Octopus. I cannot say for certain, but I’m thinking this whole psychic parakeet story is for the birds.
‘Psychic’ parakeet picks Netherlands as World Cup winners [AFP]
Apparently, it’s a perfectly natural response to the over-hyped, useless spectacle that is the Home Run Derby, so no need to feel bad about it. At least that’s what I gather from an interview ESPN Radio guy Jon Sciambi did with Bob Kimball of USA Today regarding the upcoming event.
The home run is still sexy … no matter what anybody wants to say,” says Jon Sciambi, who will anchor the contest for ESPN Radio from Anaheim, Calif. (Monday, 8 p.m. ET).
Sciambi’s co-anchor, Dave Campbell, agrees:
“I know it’s ESPN television’s highest-rated event of the year in baseball. I think it’s more for the younger people. I don’t think the young people are into the strategy … as much as they are certain exciting parts of the game.”
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. You have one guy saying the Home Run Derby is sexy and his cohort claiming it’s more for the younger people? I’m sorry, but that, as Joe Buck (who is pictured above in a nightmare fuel of a panel – seriously, Buck, Steve Phillips, Joe Morgan and the Bermanator? Ay yay yay) would likely agree, is a disgusting act. Shame on you, ESPN.
Come on, I’m just kidding around. Of course, I am just messing around. Obviously, the folks at ESPN are not guilty of being involved with child pornography. Well, some are, but that’s a different story altogether.
Finally, I think we all learned a few things here:
- Home Run Derby: sexy
- Providing play-by-play for a friggin’ Home Run Derby on the radio: unsexy
- The presence of Erin Andrews in any way, shape or form at the Home Run Derby: oh, you better believe that’s sexy
Sports on TV: ESPN aims for more to dig the long ball [USA Today]
Emmitt Smith’s Poker Stash Is Trash
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Not related, but I would like to point out that his beard remains weird as well.
Mush-mouthed Emmitt Smith has continued his assault on the English language, only this time it wasn’t the running back mispronouncing words to such an extent they are nearly unidentifiable. Instead, he couldn’t manage to make a four word pronouncement at a poker tournament without fouling it up.
Smith was in Las Vegas at the World Series of Poker to compete and was given the honor of making the traditional announcement of “Shuffle up and deal,” a phrase which apparently opens every poker tournament.
From Andrew Feldman’s poker blog via ESPN Dallas:
The final starting day of the 2010 main event began with everyone standing and applauding as Emmitt Smith was introduced. “How ’bout them Cowboys,” was shouted from the tables, and Smith replied in kind, then looked out at the crowd, proclaimed his excitement and let out, “Shuffle up and play!” A good laugh echoed through the room before Smith grabbed the microphone again and said, “Shuffle up and deal!” Smith then headed over to his table, sat down for action and began his Day 1 just like every other player in the room with hopes of main event glory.
D’oh! It reminds of when Adrian Peterson performed the traditional “Let’s Play Hockey!” chant which opens up every Minnesota Wild home game and instead of remembering those three paltry words, Peterson said, “It’s time…to play…hockey!” Not good.
And it didn’t get better for Emmitt Smiff from that point forward during the competition, as he summarily eliminated just hours into the tournament, not making it past Level 2. D’oh indeed.
Emmitt fumbles at World Series of Poker [ESPN Dallas]
(previously at the Sportress: Adrian Peterson Says It’s Time To Play Hockey So You Better Listen Up!)
So, LeBron James is neither loyal nor royal, you say? If somebody were to buy him a housewarming gift for when he lands on Florida soil, how about bath oil? Or if a person preferred to buy him a book instead, would it be The Collected Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? What is LeBron’s opinion regarding aluminum foil? Is his favorite cut meat entree a London Broil? When he goes fishing, does he make sure to clean his boat motor of any Eurasian watermilfoil? Does LeBron refuse to play bridge if the playing cards are from any company other than Hoyle? Does me taking this bit way too far kind of spoil the point of making fun of Bill Plaschke, today’s journalistic foil?
Fine, have it your way. But answer me this: have you ever heard of something called rape oil? Me neither. What an odd name.
LeBron James looks neither royal nor loyal [Los Angeles Times]
"I could fashion this trophy into a totally righteous bong, bro!"
Sweet mercy, what is this world coming to? We have come to expect pot busts from athletes from other professional sports – in fact, it is almost a common occurrence nowadays – but a golfer? That’s kooky talk!
As kooky as it may sound, it is in fact a legitimate story: PGA Tour rookie Matt Every was arrested at an Iowa casino the day before he was to compete in the John Deere Open in Silvis, Illinois and charged with possession of marijuana, something the golfer denies. From an AP report:
He was among three men arrested Tuesday in a room at the Isle Casino Hotel in nearby Bettendorf, Iowa.
He was charged with possession of a controlled substance, a misdemeanor, and booked into the Scott County Jail. He was freed Tuesday night after posting bond.
In a statement released by his management firm, Every apologized for showing poor judgment but denied having any marijuana in his possession. He said he pleaded not guilty.
Well, I suppose a person is innocent until proven guilty, but I can see something like this happening. I mean, professional golfer or not, he was hanging out a casino somewhere in the middle of freaking Iowa. You can’t blame the guy for trying to up the enjoyment ante, so to speak, one could experience at an Iowa casino by toking on some herb, right? In any event, Every should just pay the paltry fine and move on. What do you mean pot possession warrants life in prison in Iowa? That can’t be right, can it? Stop trying to harsh my mellow, dude.
PGA Tour rookie Matt Every denies pot possession [AP]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. It does not give a rat’s ass about LeBron James, but will reluctantly link to stories regarding the ridiculous spectacle since the proprietor of this here blog does not intend to write anything about it today. Send tips, links and whatnot as long as it has nothing to do with “The Decision” to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A Catholic priest in New Hampshire has been dispatched to a water park in the town of Candia to investigate whether or not the image of Jesus has appeared in a lifeguard flag. “The owner of the Liquid Planet Water Park said that when the flag was unfurled earlier this season staff saw what looked to them like a shadowy image of Jesus Christ. Kevin Dumont said he had been praying for a miracle to improve business.” You know, I really have nothing to add to this one. [Yahoo!/AP]
• An absolutely brilliant piece regarding the LeBron James/ESPN debacle written by none other than Deadspin Editor Emeritus, Will Leitch. [NY Mag]
• To say that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert had an epic meltdown after LeBron made his announcement that he was headed out of town would be an understatement. [Ball Don't Lie]
• EPSN’s LeBron special, “The Decision” will reportedly net $2.5 million for the Boys & Girls Club. Is that supposed to make me feel better about it? [The Sports Biz with Darren Rovell]
• Cavs fans burning LeBron jerseys. I think this might go on for awhile. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Cleveland Plain Dealer‘s front page was all about LeBron and it contained a subtle dig at the so-called King. [Bob's Blitz]
• Two morons were gored at the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Should have been more, right? [Out of Bounds]
• ESPN NBA analyst John Barry digs Cuervo Girls. [Busted Coverage]
• In other ESPN analyst news, NFL wonk Jeremy Green, son of former NFL coach Dennis Green, was arrested on kiddie porn charges. His mugshot is epic. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Footsteps Falco keeps you up-to-date on the CFL. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s largest skateboard. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Despite some New York sportswriter claiming that the Yankees are close to landing Cliff Lee, here are so alternate scenarios. [Walkoff Walk]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: New Hampshire Passes Law Forcing Old People To Watch Gays Marry
And yes, I believe the rationale employed to get from “Michelle Wie Had A Bad Round” to “Ooh! I’ll do a gallery of sultry photos of her…” is perfectly appropriate. And like any of you were going to argue anyway. Pervs.
The best photos are yet to come, but if I do say so myself, the one above of Michelle Wie struggling through her first round of the U.S. Women’s Open at Oakmont earlier today ain’t half bad, ain’t half bad at all.
An 11-over 82 is certainly not what Wie envisioned, but Oakmont is set up in such a way that Miss Wie will not be the last golfer this week to succumb to the course’s treacherous design.
A selection of quotes from the shell-shocked Wie (via an AP report on Yahoo!):
“There was nothing I could do,” Wie said.
“Mostly I think it was my putting that got me,” she said. “It felt like my irons were good and my wedges were good. I just need to put it in the fairway so I can hit those.”
“They’re pretty tough,” Wie said of Oakmont’s wickedly fast greens. “You just can’t be above the hole, like I did the first hole. I hit a good putt and you just leave yourself 4-5 footers and then you miss a couple. Hopefully (on Friday) I’ll make all the putts I missed today.”
“I try not to get (frustrated),” Wie said. “This was kind of one of those days where nothing goes as planned. But I felt better coming in, so hopefully it starts off on the right foot. I’ll try to go for some birdies and try to (play) on the weekend.”
She sure sounds like she has been well-programmed, doesn’t she? Very Tiger-esque. And boy, do I know how that goes. Not the part where a person can keep their emotions in check after a terrible round of golf, but, you know, about how it feels to hit a 12-over…and that’s usually before I get to the tee box on the first par 3. Zing.
Thankfully for you guys, as mentioned above, I have seized this opportunity (Michelle Wie not playing well at the U.S. Women’s Open) and turned it into something positive (provocative photos!). As regular readers of the Sportress are aware, I have been closely monitoring and chronicling the happenings occurring over at Wie’s personal blog, A Black Flamingo, for some time now. It is a very interesting blog filled with her artwork, favorite recipes and somewhat sultry personal photography projects, among other things. I thought what better time to raid the Sportress archives for all the best photos I have culled from A Black Flamingo (and a random one of her eating a banana as well) and put them into one cohesive gallery? Enjoy!
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Smokescreen! LeBron James has booked a huge party in South Beach this weekend. [Out of Bounds]
• What’s this? LeBron James has signed with Manchester United? [eTrueSports]
• LeBron James hates the Florida Panthers? What gives? [Melt Your Face Off]
• Even Brett Favre has something to say about LeBron James’ “Decision.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber ]
• Have you tried LeBron James-flavored Ego Waffles yet? [TAUNTR]
• Somehow, these guys got a hold of LeBron’s daily planner. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Wayne Rooney is a fancy boy, rides around on a pink jet ski in Barbados. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Michelle Wie’s golf coach is one sweaty bastard, but can you blame him? [Bob's Blitz]
• NO! Ozzie Guillen is growing tired of Twitter! [You Been Blinded]
• Yay! Another edition of FCL Finishes the Headline. [Food Court Lunch]
• Jerry Rice is still the hardest working man in showbiz. [The Sporting Blog]
• Even if the Netherlands lose, Dutch player Rafael van der Vaart has something very nice to go home to. Really nice. [Unathletic]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: New Hampshire Passes Law Forcing Old People To Watch Gays Marry
Send tips, links and threats to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Entering his fourth NFL season for the Minnesota Vikings and coming off a career year (83 receptions, 1,312 yards, 8 touchdowns), one would assume that Sidney Rice wouldn’t have to deal with criticism regarding his work ethic. Too bad Chris Carter is around to seize the opportunity to bloviate endlessly when he feels like he isn’t getting treated with the proper respect.
Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald is currently holding his annual summer workout program in the Twin Cities on the University of Minnesota campus. Known to be a physically tormenting event consisting of grueling conditioning exercises, Fitzgerald’s camp has attracted many high profile athletes as both participants and mentors, including the best who ever played the position of wide reciever, Jerry Rice, and is modeled after the offseason conditioning program Chris Carter strictly adhered to during his 16-year NFL career, which helped him become one of the all-time greats to ever play the position of wide receiver.
Rice attended “Camp Fitzgerald” last year, and has credited it – as well as some stern words from Chris Carter while he was there – for helping him make the transition from average wide receiver to putting up Pro Bowl numbers. Unfortunately, Rice was nowhere to be found this week, something that caught the eye of Carter, who subsequently got a little sand in his vagina when asked about it.
First things first, there are only two possible ways for a Bob Knight Roast to turn out:
- Bob Knight goes along with the bit, even decides to have a little fun at his own expense; or
- People will be shot.
Okay, that might be oversimplifying it just a bit, but really, who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? Geniuses, that’s who!
From an AP report in USA Today:
Former Indiana players Isiah Thomas and Steve Alford are among the celebrities set to roast Bob Knight during a charity event.
Organizers say several rivals of the former Indiana coach also will speak at the Sept. 18 event at Horseshoe Casino in Hammond including Digger Phelps, Jud Heathcote and Johnny Orr.
Tickets will cost $50 to $500. The roast is a benefit for St. Joseph High School in suburban Chicago, which Thomas attended.
Oh, to see Isiah Thomas throw out zingers about his former coach and watching Knight pretend to smile while he turns three shades of red would truly be a delight, but I will tell you this: if they can’t figure out a way to get Gilbert Gottfried to make an appearance, the roast will end up being an abject failure. That Gilbert fella completely owns celebrity roasts.
Bob Knight returning to Indiana for charity roast [USA Today/AP]
GET TO DA NEWS CHOPPA!!
Unlike anything the city of Greenwich has ever experienced nor will ever see again, the media has taken the town by storm in anticipation of THE BIGGEST SPORTING EVENT EVER!11!!1!!!
Reporting live, on-the-scene newshound Jeff Valin of FOX CT:
Less than 11 hours to go before LeBron James goes live nationwide to announce his playing destination from the Boys & Girls Club in Greenwich, the media presence across the street from the Club is that befitting a visit from Barack Obama.
But we’re not expecting a president, we’re awaiting a King. Inside the club it appeared business as usual this morning: teens and pre-teens scurrying about, seemingly unaware or at least unaffected by the impending royal presence. But shortly after this reporter went inside to request a sound bite from club staff, the doors were locked. Fox Connecticut, ESPN, and the cadre from the network affiliates in New York would have to wait outside the building.
Oh, to be a sports journalist for legitimate media at this moment. I imagine getting the LeBron James “The Decision” assignment is akin to being embedded with a platoon in a war zone. The adrenaline rush must be intoxicatingly exhilarating, like washing down a bottle of NoDoz with a Jet Fuel Martini. Or something that sounds as badass.
The LeBron James Scene Live From Greenwich [Hartford Courant]
I wonder if Paul, the World Cup match-predicting octopus from Germany who has become one of the bigger celebrities to emerge during the tournament, saw this coming: in light of his amazing accuracy in predicting outcomes of matches – much to the dismay of fellow countrymen (countrypus?), Paul correctly chose Spain to beat Germany in the semifinals.
But Paul’s troubles began even before he made that ill-fated, yet accurate, prediction. Evidently, some enraged Argentinians, whose team Paul correctly predicted would be ousted by Germany in the quarterfinals, appear to take the so-called soothsaying skills of a cephalopod mollusk way too seriously. In fact, so much so that some of them have allegedly resorted to sending death threats to the octopus.
Via The Telegraph:
Having accurately predicted that Germany would beat Argentina in the quarter-finals, Paul faced the wrath of angry Argentinian supporters who have blamed the octopus for their World Cup exit and expressed a desire to eat him in an act of vengeance.
But Paul’s keeper Oliver Walenciak remains confident that the octopus will continue performing his remarkable act for years to come from the safety of his tank in Oberhausen as opposed to the dinner table.
He said: “There are always people who want to eat our octopus but he is not shy and we are here to protect him as well. He will survive.”
Crazy stuff. I mean, how are you going to rub out an octopus anyway? They all have nine freaking brains. Throw in the fact that this one can see the future and you got no chance. Crazy Argentinians.
Germany v Spain: Psychic octopus Paul unfazed by death threats, says keeper [The Telegraph]
(previously at the Sportress: Psychic Cephalopod Sees Soccer Scores, Predicts Germany Over England)
