Archive for July, 2010
Outwit. Outplay. Outparty.
In either one of the most brilliant or potentially fatal coups in the reality show’s history, sources are reporting that 67-year-old former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson will be among the contestants on the next edition of CBS’s Survivor, this one to be “played” (and by played, I mean “manipulated by the producers”) in Nicaragua. From ESPN Dallas:
The 67-year-old Johnson, who was unavailable for comment, joins the show’s 21st season this summer. The series has been taped in various exotic locations, including Panama, the Fiji Islands, Kenya and Brazil since it started in 2000. This year’s show will tape in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua.
To be frank, I have probably seen one-half hour of one show of the long-running series, so my understanding of how the “game” is actually played is a bit limited. But given Johnson’s love of the finer things in life, such as hair product, Extenze, beer koozies and the loosest gals on the senior living community circuit, I have no idea how the NFL on FOX analyst will be able to make it far without the presence of his creature comforts. On the other hand, he survived the ’90s Cowboys and has figured out a way (chemically, no doubt) to put up with Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw, so who knows?
Just one piece of advice, Jimmy: with that hair helmet of yours, stay away from those torches during the tribal councils or whatever the hell they are called. If we thought Michael Jackson’s Pepsi commercial got ugly, we haven’t seen nothing yet…
“How ’bout ‘dem Cow…” (KA-PLOW!)
Source: Johnson joins cast of ‘Survivor’ [ESPN Dallas]
(previously at the Sportress: Former Cowboys Coach Jimmy Johnson Used To Be Concerned About The Size Of His Schlong)
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links and suggestions for what I should begin using this little introductory paragraph for (because I’m running out of ideas) to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• For some reason or another, some goody two shoes lady in Michigan called the police after she discovered a package containing two pounds of marijuana. The street value of the pot is estimated by police to be approximately $2,400. Schwag. The weed will now be unceremoniously destroyed, probably behind the police station with every guy on the force monitoring the burning up close to make sure all of it burns. Then it’s off to Denny’s! [Yahoo!/AP]
• An Elin Nordegren talk show? I can see it now: “Heeeeeeeeeeere’s Elin!” (cue Tonight Show theme, resurrect the decaying corpse of Ed McMahon). [Out of Bounds]
• USC returning Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy was the right thing to do. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Video of a rugby referee getting knockeddafuggout. [Deuce of Davenport]
• A very interesting story shedding some light on a similar game which may have preceded golf. [Waggle Room]
• Former ESPN analyst and son of Dennis Green pleads not guilty to kiddie porn charges. [Busted Coverage]
• This could very well be the worst soccer goal ever allowed. [Bob's Blitz]
• The most unbreakable records in the NHL. [Puck Daddy]
• The seven least marketable players in MLB history. [Unathletic]
• With Lou Piniella retiring at the end of the year, does this mean the end of the “Old Breed” of baseball manager? [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Some Lou Piniella-themed sports haiku. [You Been Blinded]
• And some photos of Piniella at his best. Or worst, depending on your point of view. [Big League Stew]
• Eagles QB Kevin Kolb is a badass. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The top 12 reasons no one gives a crap about A-Rod’s pursuit of 600 home runs. [Five Tool Tool]
• Sorry, I will always link a post entitled, “The Tuesday Afternoon Hypersexualized 1980s Canadian Metal Video of the Day (NSFW)” [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Well-respected sportswriter Joe Posnanski had the guts to write what no else would: Tiger Woods might be finished. [Out of Bounds]
• Absolutely incredible video of a naked streaker eluding six security guards at a CFL game. Amazing. [Busted Coverage]
• Dear God: Tommy Lasorda singing the National Anthem. Poorly. [Walkoff Walk]
• Behold: The Curse of the Mangino! [EDSBS]
• Congratulations to golf blogger (and friend of the Sportress) Ryan Ballengee for getting mentioned in Golf Digest. Well done, sir. [Waggle Room]
• In this week’s “Ask Joe Thornton,” Joe fields questions regarding readers’ love lives. [Melt Your Face Off]
• KSK breaks down a video interview of Phillip Rivers, a/k/a Marmalard. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The kicker for the Dallas Cowboys is super fast. I mean really, really fast. [Shutdown Corner]
• What? I’m missing Jason Berken t-shirt day tonight at the Orioles game? Gah! [Mr. Irrelevant]
• The Sixers dancers audition went down, and it was good. [Unathletic]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Raiders Excited About Prospect Of Signing Free Agent JaMarcus Russell
Send tips, links and other stuff to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com
Even worse, we won’t even be able to experience the joy of watching the woodhead get savagely beaten for the incredibly moronic and hyperbolic comments he made comparing how he believes the Yankees have treated Joe Torre since his departure to how WWII-era German and Russian generals were airbrushed out of photos after they were executed.
I know, it’s shocking, isn’t it? Who woulda thunk somebody with the savvy, wit and intelligence of one James Timothy McCarver would go ahead and try to pass off a comment like that? On an MLB on FOX broadcast being watched by hundreds, maybe thousands, of people? Okay, hundreds.
For those catching up with this story, here’s the latest edition of “Deep Thoughts with Tim McCarver”:
Just when you thought you couldn’t cram more Erin Andrews-related goodness into your life – and be honest, like that’s even possible – a few hours ago, Erin Andrews, the most beloved ESPN employee in history (ever since the mysterious disappearance of The Schwab, or course), announced she has set her sights on another means by which she can take over the world: Facebook.
With over 111,000 followers on Twitter, Miss Andrews is now set to take over Facebook with her brand spanking new page, which appears to have recently been launched just days ago and it is taking the internets by storm with over 6,000 people already “liking” it.
With her recently signed contract with ESPN which reaffirms her as the once and future reigning Sideline Princess for evermore as well as her future appearances on Good Morning America, there is no telling how far this gal is set to go. But if she continues to upload photos to her Facebook page like the two below, I am behind her candidacy to usurp Oprah as Queen of All Media 100 percent.
Man, it must be Portly Person Post Day here at the Sportress. First, it was that reporter guy from Tampa crushing the skateboarder, (then JaMarcus Russell). Next I made fun of Prince Fielder’s weight, now we have John Kruk’s appearance in a Denny’s commercial. With talking chickens.
Really, there isn’t much to add other than the fact that Kruk really shows off his acting chops when he responds to the chickens’ questions regarding their fantasy baseball lineups, which of course are entirely comprised of baseball players with bird-related names (e.g. Paul Byrd). One thing I would have suggested is the chickens should have asked Kruk about his one-time All-Star Game nemesis, Randy Johnson, who looks like the offspring of James Hetfield and the Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall.
But more than anything, the commercial is saved by the impeccable acting by Kruk. The perceived annoyance by the ESPN analyst regarding the inane questions from the chickens is certainly palatable. My guess is Kruk imagined how he would feel after eating one of Denny’s $2, $4, $6, $8 menu items. Not because Denny’s food is crappy – which it is – but that the Krukster would not nearly be satisfied after only one. My guess is when Kruk goes to Denny’s, he has to get two tables – one for him and one for his order.
[H/T The700Level]
First Lady Michelle Obama, who will have the unfortunate experience of actually attending the Baltimore Orioles game in person this evening with tens of other Orioles fans, has asked Major League Baseball to help her in her fight against childhood obesity. Via an AP report:
Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association will team with the White House in the Let’s Move campaign, which promotes exercise and healthy eating for America’s youth.
Dressed casually in a print top, white pants and sneakers, Obama made the announcement Tuesday morning at Oriole Park at Camden Yards, home of the Baltimore Orioles.
Obama says the program is designed to end childhood obesity “so that kids grow up healthier to pursue their dreams.”
She then participated in a clinic with kids from local baseball teams and members of the Orioles and Tampa Bay Rays. She played catch, threw grounders and ran for about a half-hour.
Well, I, for one, am relieved to know that she was wearing sneakers when she was playing catch. Believe me, wearing high heels while shagging fly balls can be a tumultuous and painful experience. And don’t even get me started on the blisters. So, I’ll give her credit for the appropriate footwear. On the other hand, matching white pants with a print top? Puh-leeze.
Finally, I know my Prince Fielder comment was an unfair dig at the generously-proportioned Milwaukee Brewers first baseman. But do not fret, the First Lady has plans for Prince: if everything works out as planned, Fielder will be the poster boy for Ms. Obama’s campaign against the evils of vegetarianism.
First lady, MLB team up against childhood obesity [AP]
Michelle Obama to attend Orioles game [USA Today/AP]
Swapping vegetarian recipes with Prince Fielder [Big League Stew]
Epic number one overall draft pick bust JaMarcus Russell appeared in court in Mobile, Alabama earlier today and plead not guilty to charges of possession of a controlled substance in connection to his arrest on July 5th when authorities found one bottle of codeine syrup in his home during a search, an item which would have been otherwise used (allegedly) by Russell to get his Purple Drank on.
While pleading not guilty to the charges was well within Russell’s right, after reading the report I am left to question the integrity of Russell’s counsel, one Donald Briskman, Esquire, due to his statements to the press after the former Oakland Raiders quarterback’s plea. To wit (via The Huddle):
Briskman added that Russell will be “getting prepared to play professional football” in the meantime.
I’m sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree with the esteemed criminal defense counselor assertion as to what his client has been up to recently – or at the very least question his understanding of the rigors and dedication required to adequately play the quarterback position in the NFL – because one does not prepare to play professional football by consuming a 9,500 calorie diet consisting solely of Double Quarter Pounder With Cheeses and chocolate milkshakes from McDonald’s.
You see, because JaMarcus Russell is fat and stuff. Burn. But at the same time, subsisting on the above diet could very well prepare you to become a world-class sports blogger. Sure, it hasn’t happened to me yet, but it is my hope one day, the proof will be in the pudding.
Mmmm…pudding.
JaMarcus Russell pleads not guilty; lawyer says QB ‘getting prepared to play pro football’ [The Huddle]
Skate or die! Or in this instance, “Skate or prepare to get flattened like a pancake by an uncoordinated reporter.”
Seriously, is there anything in the world which provides the better likelihood for unintentionally sublime hilarity than local morning news shows?
What we have above is video of an intrepid – yet thickset – reporter from the morning show for Tampa’s FOX affiliate doing a live report from an area skate park which appears to be run by a person who takes his personal appearance queues from the villains on Scooby-Doo cartoons (“And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you pint-sized thrashers!”).
For reasons unknown to anyone other than hefty newshound who attempts to perform the feat, the guy tries to navigate his way across the flat of the half pipe while a dozen or so skaters are in the process of making their way back and forth higher and higher up on the transition of the ramp. Of course, he clumsily stumbles and body splashes an unsuspecting skateboarder.
Hey, butterball: as the sticker I had affixed to my social studies folder in junior high: SKATEBOARDING IS NOT A CRIME! That means young skateboarders should feel free to enjoy their time at the skate park without the fear of getting King Kong Bundy-ed by some doofus.
Many, many thanks to commenter extraordinaire Upstate Underdog
Because that’s what his right hand is for!
Alright, this is a couple of days old, but as you all know because you follow my every move, I have been on vacation. Add to that my blatant homerism and the in-depth chronicling the Sportress has undertaken regarding the mutated freak we reverentially refer to as Pavanostache, I had no choice but to add this animated GIF to the Sportress’ archives.
Courtesy of TAUNTR comes this rather – ahem – uncomfortable documentation of how Pavanostache congratulated Twins outfielder Delmon Young for his game-winning hit in Minnesota’s thrilling 6-5 comeback victory over the White Sox. Take a look…
Oh man! Stinkpalm! That’s nasty. And quite creepy, to be honest. But as a mere mortal, perhaps it is not my place to question what Pavanostache does, but instead simply be thankful I was not on the receiving end of Pavanostache’s impromptu amateur proctologist exam. There are many things to be thankful for in this world, and not having your ass wiped by Pavanostache’s hand is most assuredly one of them.
[H/T TAUNTR]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. If you hadn’t noticed, yours truly has been on vacation since last Thursday. Oh, you had not noticed. Huh. Anyhoo, glad to be back, folks. It may take me a bit to get back into the swing of things. But do not fret, before you know it, I’ll be back operating at full speed and be bringing you the same half-assed, sub-par sports bloggery you have grown accustomed to. Send tips, links and welcome back messages to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Not to be a downer regarding the newsworthiness of the story, but who hasn’t been summering at a posh resort in Russia when a screaming donkey comes fluttering down to the beach? No one? Well, that was what occurred at a beach on the Sea of Alzov last Thursday. What say you, regional police spokeswoman Larisa Tuchkova? “The donkey screamed and children cried. No-one had the brains to call police. The donkey landed in an atrocious manner: it was dragged several metres along the water, after which the animal was pulled out half-alive onto the shore.” Heeeee-hawwww!!! [Yahoo!/AFP]
• It’s nice to come back from vacation and find a Darren Daulton “Week In Preview” post in your feeds. This one stars the Ghost of George Steinbrenner. [Out of Bounds]
• So, uh, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez took a helicopter ride together. That’s nice, because I can make a “Get in da choppah!” reference. [Larry Brown Sports]
• It’s about time Mr. Berra got a new endorsement opportunity: here’s a commercial for “Yogi’s Life Alert.” [TAUNTR]
• Should we not write off Tiger Woods just yet? [Waggle Room]
• Speaking of Tiger, things have gotten so bad he can’t even move video games anymore. [Deuce of Davenport]
• A football camp put on by LSU head football coach Les Miles was interrupted when an intruder was pepper sprayed. [Busted Coverage]
• Yahoo blogger makes Nazi reference, shockingly gets criticized for it. [Bob's Blitz]
• Who wouldn’t want a picture of Larry Fitzgerald on their prosthetic leg? Other than people without prosthetic legs, of course. Also: people who don’t like Larry Fitzgerald. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Unintentionally gay baseball photo gallery, anyone? [Uncoached]
• The 7 types of people who routinely show up on the jumbotron. [Guyism]
• Here’s an Inception spoof from the gang at KSK. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Arizona High Schools To Now Teach Spanish Entirely In English
Site News: Sportress Of Blogitude’s Vacation
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Listen up, dear readers. Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger-Man, Weed Against Speed, is going on vacation. That’s right, your truly is channeling his inner Griswold, packing up the Family Truckster, loading up the whole famn damily in it and heading West. Why? I cannot say. Where am I going? You cannot know. How will I get there? I already told you – the Family Truckster. Pay attention.
Granted, Sportress of Blogitude’s Vacation won’t be close to as funny as National Lampoon’s Vacation, mostly because I’m not that funny and even if I were, I do not plan on writing the next few days. The Sportress will return to a full-time schedule on Tuesday, although if time permits, I might sneak in a post or two or even re-post some of my personal favorites from the archives while I’m out of town, but that will depend on internet availability and motivation. Until then, I bid you adieu and best wishes. Be good and have a great rest of the week. I know I will.
Note: in the future, I would prefer to not let the Sportress go dormant for an extended period of time when I am unfortunately unavailable to write, so if anyone out there with some semblance of writing experience would be interested in contributing, shoot me an e-mail at weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. I already have a few folks in mind for the next time I travel, but that doesn’t mean all the slots are filled. I should point out that I cannot offer you a decent wage, but I would be happy to pay you at least what I get paid per post, which is nothing. Nah, just kidding. The level of compensation can of course be negotiated. Lemme know. But for now, Go West, young man.
Thankfully, the demented minds over at TAUNTR have pondered the same thing. Obviously, if there is any person in this great big world with a quick enough wit to repel each and every one of Mel’s mad rantings and depraved threats, it would most certainly be Boomer.
You’re with me, career suicide. I’m pretty sure I am referring to Gibson with that one.
Enjoy.
Mel Gibson And Chris Berman Phone Fight [TAUNTR]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Jesse Jackson is standing by his “runaway slave” LeBron James comments. Why? Because no person is willing to stand by him and he enjoys the company. [Out of Bounds]
• Larissa Riquelme is now the model for a cell phone pocket cleavage shirt where the girl doesn’t actually stick the phone between her cleavage. Lame. [Busted Coverage]
• I don’t know, but something’s…off… in this video of Kobe Bryant and Derek Fischer singing “Islands In The Stream.” Aha! I know what it is – they should have been singing “Reunited” instead. [TAUNTR]
• The greatest George Steinbrenner moments on Seinfeld. [Ranker]
• If you thought the blue turf at Boise State wasn’t as annoying as it could possibly get, well, you were wrong. [No Guts, No Glory]
• Mike Tyson’s self image has taken a serious nosedive. Sad. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Some dickbag at an autograph signing event actually turns Gary Carter into a sympathetic figure, which is hard. [Walkoff Walk]
• Packers cornerback Charles Woodson don’t need no stinking firemen. [With Leather]
• Girl hockey blogger catfight!! [Melt Your Face Off]
• Andrea Kremer gets a most unwelcome phone call from someone who is in the news for making unwelcome phone calls. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Jim Joyce, the ump who botched that call in Armando Galarraga’s perfect game, is as stand-up as it gets. [You Been Blinded]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Umpire’s Perfect Game Goes Completely Unnoticed
Send tips, links and audio files of Mel Gibson personally threatening you to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com
Why? Because I said so, that’s why. Also, I’m still pissed about his scrambling, 49-yard, game-winning touchdown run against the Vikings in October of 1988. That bastard.
From the always excellent The Onion:
WOOZY STEVE YOUNG STUDYING GAME FILM FOR SUNDAY’S CONTEST AGAINST THE BILLS, TEARFUL WIFE REPORTS
PALO ALTO, CA—Former 49ers quarterback and frequent concussion sufferer Steve Young, evidently concerned over performing well in a December 1995 game against the Buffalo Bills, has sequestered himself in his office to study game film for the matchup, Young’s tearful wife, Barbara, said yesterday. “He’d been moody and anxious for a couple days, but I didn’t worry until he turned to me and said, ‘Big game this week,’” a visibly shaken Mrs. Young told reporters, adding that she was afraid to call the neurologist for fear of what he might find. “Steve said, ‘I’m going to go take another look at the tapes and see if I can find the holes in the Bills coverage. I won’t let you down, Coach Seifert.’ Then he kissed me tenderly and shuffled off.” Since the episode, Young has been seen muttering to himself, diagramming plays, and scrawling copious notes while watching a Law & Order rerun marathon.
Suck on that, Steve Young, you arrogant, concussed Mormon jerkoff. Okay, that was a bit harsh. Instead: suck on that, Steve Young, you concussed Mormon jerkoff.
See? I took the arrogant out of it. I’m nice.
Woozy Steve Young Studying Game Film For Sunday’s Contest Against Bills, Tearful Wife Reports [The Onion]
