Archive for July, 2010
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s kick ass morning link dump, as it got its ass kicked quite a bit during its “chubby years.” Send tips, links and Weight Watchers recipes to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• 48-year-old Dennis Hawkins of North Braddock, Pennsylvania was apprehended by authorities when he was discovered sitting in his car covered in red dye from an exploding packet shortly after brazenly robbing a bank while wearing clown pants, a blond woman’s wig and fake breasts under a sweater. It’s too bad this Hawkins fella got arrested because I bet for his next robbery attempt, he would have came up with an outfit idea that was the tits. [MSNBC/AP]
• Vikings blogger put a lot of effort into this bad boy: The Favreover, based on The Hangover. Good stuff. [Daily Norseman]
• Jason Taylor said recently that he enjoys nailing his wife more than getting sacks, which makes sense once you get a look at her. [Bob's Blitz]
• Even though he was completely out of the competition, Lance Armstrong somehow managed to make the final day of the Tour de France all about him. Shocking, I know. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant has refused to perform the duties commonly expected out of NFL rookies. Good luck with this guy, Cowboys. [Shutdown Corner]
• ESPN broadcast another slow pitch USA softball game over the weekend. There has got to be something better they could put on, right? [Joe Sports Fan]
• Is Joe Namath the most overrated quarterback ever? [Midwest Sports Fans]
• Yeah, it might be high time for Shaq to hang it up. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• A rundown of the five best ballpark foods from around the country. Yum. [Unathletic]
• The top 10 ways to pad the page count of a fantasy football annual. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Yogi Berra: ‘Why Aren’t The Yankees Mourning My Death?’
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• This ring announcer is forgetful, yet endearing in some strange way. [Out of Bounds]
• The Cleveland Indians: huge Lady Gaga fans. No, that’s not gay at all. [Ted Williams Head]
• Tom Brady ain’t worried about money, dammit! [With Leather]
• Holy alliteration in title of post, Batman! [Walkoff Walk]
• Canadians need more heroes and better priorities. [Melt Your Face Off]
• KAAAAAAAHN!!! [Ball Don't Lie]
• So, Floyd Mayweather and his entourage took in a cock fight. I foresee nothing bad coming out of this. [Larry Brown Sports]
• A photo of the “I Beat Anorexia” t-shirt which was once believed to be an urban legend. [Busted Coverage]
• Female blogger takes shots at Jenn Sterger and her blogging. Or something. I’m just thinking about boobs and sexy blogger catfights now. [Bob's Blitz]
• Foul Ball Fails is a menace and it’s wreaking havoc on the white population of this country. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Michigan State basketball player Draymond Green is a terrible, terrible golfer and here is the video which proves it. [The Dagger]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Families Of 9/11 Victims: Heat Losing 3 In A Row Would Be Much Worse Than World Trade Center Attacks
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
(head asplodes)
Wha?
Trust me. I’m as confused as you are, but apparently Kevin Smith, he of Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy renown – you know, when his movies were good? – is currently writing a script for a hockey movie which will be filmed in Detroit. One hurdle the portly filmmaker had to hoist himself over was getting the permission of one Mitch Albom, he of Tuesdays with Morrie and “making crap up about sporting events that he didn’t attend and submitting a column about it” fame.
Apparently – and this is where it gets weird – Mitch Albom once wrote a song for the late, great Warren Zevon entitled “Hit Somebody” which is about a Canadian hockey player who is only good at fighting (on a side note, I believe this song predicted the arrival of Derek Boogaard, but that’s another story altogether).
In any event, that’s some crazy stuff. Who knew Mitch Albom could also write half-assed, schlocky song lyrics, too? I mean, I knew about the emotionally manipulative novels and his tepid, smarmy brand of sportswriting, but this, too?
Kelley L. Carter of the Detroit Free Press sat down with Mr. Kevin Smith to discuss the upcoming project for the film auteur which will reportedly star Seann William Scott.
Yeah, this entire idea keeps looking better and better.
Of course, given it was a classy British publication – as we all know, the Brits are far more sophistimicated than we Yanks, especially compared to yours truly – they didn’t out and out call him a fatty fatty boombalatty as I crassly did, they went with a more refined critique regarding Ronaldo putting on a few pounds.
(scans lede)
“FORMER World Player of the Year Ronaldo has turned into a prized porker if these new pictures are anything to go by.”
Aha. Prized porker. Much classier.
Anyhoo, The Sun seems to be quite unimpressed with Ronaldo’s level of fitness as he trained with the Corinthians soccer club. They were kind enough to list the soccer great’s accomplishments before making yet another tongue-in-cheek shot at his expanding waistline.
The Brazilian legend has written his name into football folklore after smashing 15 goals in various World Cups.
But we reckon there’s a fat chance of him hitting the form that saw him become the most feared striker in Europe in the late 90s.
Heh. Fat chance. Well played, Writer for The Sun Guy. Well played. Because he’s fat now, you see. Pay attention, people.
Ron looks a prize porker [The Sun]
Sweet fancy Moses! What in the holy hell are they wearing? Did I get sucked into a temporal wormhole and come out at a 1920s beach party on the other end?
Technically, these atrocious get-ups are not the actual wedding garb worn by Detroit Red Wings forward Henrik Zetterberg and his blushing bride, Swedish television personality Emma Andersson (the extra “s” is for “swimwear”), but instead are the outfits worn by every single person who was invited to a pre-nuptials swimming party in Molle, Sweden. I imagine there is nothing better than being forced to put on ridiculous outfits after already being forced to attend a damn wedding. They look like they are wearing the standard prison garb at a penitentiary where Aquaman is the warden. Or something. I’m sorry, I’m not thinking too clearly right now – the black and white motif is screwing up my rods and cones and making my brain hurt.
Here is how Johanna Hellsten of the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet depicted the scene:
Det blev en rivstart på tv-profilen Emma Andersson och hockeyproffset Henrik Zetterbergs tre dagar långa bröllopsfirande. När bröllopsgästerna anlände till Grand hôtel i Mölle strax efter tre i går eftermiddag blev de serverade den norrländska drinken vargtass. Men något helt annat skulle göra dagen till en riktigt blöt tillställning.
Aha. I see Interesting.
Unfortunately, no mention on where the couple is registered, but I would guess the safe bet would be IKEA.
European Red Wings congregate in Sweden for Henrik Zetterberg’s wedding [Detroit Free-Press]
”Nu smäller det” [Aftonbladet]
Great news, pole vaulting fans! Also, great news, fans of sublime buttocks and internet oglers! Arguably the greatest female pole vaulter in the history of the sport – two-time Olympic Gold Medalist (2004 and 2008), Female Athlete of the Year by the IAAF in 2004, 2005 and 2008, and World Sportswoman of the Year by Laureus in 2007 and 2009 – Russian phenom Yelena Isinbayeva ended her indefinite leave from competition and begin her comeback and return to dominance.
Via ESPN/AP:
“A break was necessary for me. I was under too much pressure,” Isinbayeva said. “But now I feel refreshed and motivated. I will be back for the 2011 winter season.”
Another reason for her return? Boredom.
“Having competed all these years, I have missed on the normal life other young women live. Now that I’ve seen it, I can say that normal life is really boring,” she said.
You’re telling me, honey. When I took a two week break from blogging, I realized the “normal life,” as she puts it, was dreadful. Do you know how bright the sun is during the day? Blinding.
In any event, welcome back Yelena. And a special welcome back to your fantastic butt. I’m not sure, despite its magnificence, if it will motivate me to watch more pole vaulting, but I eagerly anticipate additional photos of the testament to fantastic athletic booty.
Isinbayeva eyes winter 2011 return [ESPN/AP]
(previously at the Sportress: Yelena Isinbayeva Loses Stranglehold On Women’s Pole Vaulting, But That’s Not Important Right Now)
In light of this kid’s display of mad skills during the Twins-Orioles game on Thursday night, Baltimore Orioles president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail should sign this him to a minor league contract pronto! Hey, it couldn’t hurt.
/stupid Angelos
For what seemed like an eternity – as far as a fan gallivanting around the diamond and outfield is concerned – a spry young Orioles fan took his time circling the bases and flitting about to and fro all over the playing field as police halfheartedly gave chase. A recap of the scene from Twins beat writer LaVelle E. Neal III (via Twins Insider):
Well done, kid. Video of the lad’s adventure on the base path follows.
Only in Wisconsin!
Here in Minnesota, one of our favorite pastimes is making fun of our wacky neighbors on the opposite banks of the St. Croix River directly to our East. It’s due to stories like this one why it is generally such an easy enterprise.
The state which produced Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer has brought us another bizarre tale of one sick person’s fascination and subsequent sexual attraction with corpses. Alexander Grunke (center) was found guilty on Thursday of attempted sexual assault after he, his brother Nick (top) and buddy Dustin Radke went to a graveyard dead set on digging up the corpse of a woman so Alexander could satisfy his desire to nail a corpse.
Pavanostache!
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What more needs to be said? For weeks now I have been doing my very best to keep you readers apprised of the miracle workings of the entity known here at the Sportress only as Pavanostache. Well, the mystical being was at it again last night, going the distance for his fifth complete game and second shutout of the season by throwing a mere 102 pitches, 65 for strikes, in the Twins’ 5-0 victory. Going against an inept Orioles lineup, Pavanostache yielded a paltry 5 hits while striking out four and walking one while making it nine consecutive starts without a loss. With a 12-6 record and 3.26 ERA, the Twins are getting a fine return on their investment considering the team is paying Pavanostache a pittance of $7 million this season.
Pavanostache attempted to explain his impressive performance after the game (via the Pioneer Press):
“That’s what you work for. Did I know that I could do it? I felt like I could do it, but putting that movement into action is a totally different thing. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen the action that I’m seeing right now on my pitches, to tell you the truth, to be able to locate the ball in and out, down in the zone with angle and a little sharper than they’ve been in the past.”
PAVANOSTACHE!
Look out, it’s comin’ to get ya.
Twins’ Carl Pavano is completely in control in shutout of O’s [Star Tribune]
Carl Pavano pitches fifth complete game in Twins’ 5-0 victory [Pioneer Press]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links, suggestions, complaints, whatever to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• They were in the pool! They were in the pool! Actually, this story has nothing to do with that sort of shrinkage, this bit of news out of Germany has to do with the size of potatoes (“That’s a lot of potatoes!”/Seinfeld reference #2). Apparently, they will be significantly smaller this growing season, an eventuality that will likely throw the German french fry industry into a tizzy. “The French fries industry and consumers will have to brace themselves for shorter fries,” said spokeswoman Verena Telaar, adding that smaller potatoes mean that fries will probably be 45 millimetres (1.8 inches) long at best, down from the usual 55 mm (2.2 inches).” GAH! Nobody panic! Germans, heed my words! [Yahoo!/Reuters]
• The AAA for the San Francisco Giants mocked Don Mattingly by holding a “Rule 8.06 Night.” [Out of Bounds]
• Former NBA player Charles Shackelford was busted for selling prescription drugs. [Busted Coverage]
• Only the blood of the young will help satiate Bud Selig’s unquenchable thirst. [Walkoff Walk]
• Floyd Mayweather’s iPod is reportedly worth $50,000. Money well spent. [Larry Brown Sports]
• At this week’s Nationwide Tour event in Columbus, Ohio, every time a golfer sinks a birdie on the par-3 13th, beers will only cost $1 for the next 15 minutes. And here I am in Minnesota as dry as dirt. [Waggle Room]
• Gorgeous golfing gal Maria Verchenova looked positively stunning at the Evian Masters. [Bob's Blitz]
• Some Brett Favre-related Sports Haiku. [You Been Blinded]
• It’s time for The NBA Free Agency Price is Right! [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• My pals at TAUNTR roll out a new feature, “Dykstra’s Tip of the Day.” [TAUNTR]
• It’s true: it’s hard out there for an agent right about now. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Gourmet Spud attempts to answer the following perplexing question: “What’s the deal with white cab drivers?” [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Endangered, Majestic Lowland Gorilla Exploited For Comic Effect
It appears that not only is Minnesota Timberwolves President of Basketball Operations David Kahn hell-bent on completely destroying the once-proud disappointingly average NBA franchise, it seems he is dead set on becoming the biggest laughingstock in the history of front office employees in any sport.
The litany of deplorable transgressions Kahn has committed against the possibility of the T-Wolves ever becoming a semi-competitive franchise again are well-documented across the internets, so no need to get into them here. But as a former Timberwolves fan (ugh), I would like to take a moment to enlighten my dear readers with some of some Kahnisms that David the Ineptitard busted out during an interview on Twin Cities sports talk station ESPN 1500 (via on the Wolves):
* Michael Beasley smoked too much pot in Miami, but he’s a changed man now. Make that, changed young man.
“He’s a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana and has told me that he’s not smoking anymore,” Kahn said, “and I told him that I would trust him as long as that was the case.”
* On being something of a youtube sensation for a contentious NBA TV interview with Chris Webber from NBA Summer League last week: “He’s kind of a schmuck, isn’t he? Methinks that he spent a lot of time on NBA TV with a former Timberwolves person and he seemed to come into the interview with an agenda. Tough questions are fine, but I felt like was a little defensive about some of the things.”
* European center Nikola Pekovic will be “signed here shortly” and called him a 6-10, 275-pound “real brute” and “almost the kind who’d kick sand in somebody’s face at the beach.”
* Asked about who’d win a game of H-O-R-S-E on a team that seemingly has significantly improved its shooting, he said, “It’d be hard (to pick a winner). We have a lot of good shooters, but I wouldn’t discount Bill Laimbeer. Bill can still shoot it.”
Sweet merciful crap, have you ever seen such idiotic comments from the so-called brain trust of a professional sports team? He picked an assistant coach – a coach, for crying out loud!!! - as the person who would be most likely to win a friggin’ game of H-O-R-S-E!!! What the hell?
And if somehow you have managed to not see Kahn’s interaction with Chris Webber which led to Kahn referring to C-Webb as a schmuck, the embarrassing video follows. But one piece of advice: you may find yourself wanting to cover your eyes and ears during it – it’s that uncomfortably ridiculous.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Here’s what happens when a real rabbit finds itself on a dog racing track. [Out of Bounds]
• Glenn Beck called Brian Urlacher a neo-Nazi. Now that’s just downright corn-fusing right there. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The fellas at BC compiled a photo gallery which seems to indicate that Jimmy Johnson might do just fine as a contestant on Survivor. [Busted Coverage]
• Hold on to your hats, folks: Joe Morgan said another extremely stupid thing, this time about catchers. As far as moronic comments go, Joe Morgan sure is consistent in his consistency. [Big League Stew]
• Steve Phillips is still trying to make everyone feel sorry for him because he nailed that ugly production assistant. [Bob's Blitz]
• So, what did Louis Oosthuizen buy with his Open winnings? A John Deere tractor, of course! [Waggle Room]
• Speaking of which, here are five reasons no one bothered to watch the final round of said Open Championship. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Mark Cuban might just be buying the Texas Rangers. At least the team’s locker room will be nice. [With Leather]
• Remember marginal NBA player Rony Seikaly? You do? Wow. Well, for those people, good news: he’s now a recording artist. Click on through to hear his first single. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers is against drunk driving. So much so, he followed one around until police arrived. [Shutdown Corner]
• You know, I have to agree: this is a pretty awesome photo of the Stanley Cup. [SB Nation]
• Yay! KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag time! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Area Man Going To Great Lengths To Conceal His Perfectly Normal Behavior
Send tips, links and ways you conceal your perfectly normal behavior to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
And murder. Must not forget about murder.
This little excerpt from a Guardian article requires minimal setup, so I’ll just roll with it:
Anyway, it is the pigeons – always the pigeons – that recently brought Mike back to the neighbourhood, along with the inevitable TV crew filming for his new reality series. “Brownsville’s all upscale now,” a bewildered Tyson explains to this month’s Details magazine. “This white woman come up,” he recalls of the visit, “and I’m thinking: Wow. When I was a kid, she would’ve been robbed and raped, left for dead. This is a real strange scenario, and I just wanted to cry. I’m like: ‘Who am I? Where’s my heritage?’”
Wow. You know, at this point, it’s not even amusing to make fun of the poor, pitiful bastard that Mike Tyson has become. As the years pass and the once indestructible boxer is further and further removed from his glory days, the sadder his tale becomes. He has become an over-sensitized parody of himself and the once-feared greatness that struck fear in the hearts of his opponents.
Sure, a lot of it he has brought upon himself – even Tyson, who was taught from a young age that he was invincible and infallible, realizes that – but I cannot help but feel pity for the clearly broken man and for how far he has fallen. He is essentially piss poor, his career in the only thing he was ever taught how to do, for all intents and purposes, is finished and those are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the glacial-sized enormity of the man’s many problems. Remember, Tyson had to bury his young daughter, Exodus, just last year after a tragic accident in his home. Heavy, heartbreaking stuff.
It makes you hope that one day, Mike Tyson will receive his redemption, either in this world or the next. Or maybe not. Perhaps it’s just me that wishes for that for Tyson. Maybe I’m just a sorry-ass sap. At least when I go back to my old neighborhood, it doesn’t cause me to think about rape and murder. I guess I should feel pretty lucky about that. Iron Mike sure cant.
A misty-eyed Mike Tyson hankers after the bad old days [The Guardian]
Child’s death is latest awful chapter for Tyson [NBC Sports/AP]
Despite trying to operate on shoestring operating budget of $1.4 million (down $400,000 from last year) during these trying economic times and revenues still running $250,000 short of expenses the past two years, the All-American Soap Box Derby soldiers on as it prepares for its 73rd running in Akron, Ohio. Hey, that’s where LeBron James was born!
To be honest, I’m surprised they are still putting the damn thing on, in light of LeBron James’ desertion of his hometown and state. I would have expected the town to have been shut down and boarded up by now.
Moving on, the reasons behind the struggles currently being experienced by the organization which puts on this little slice of Americana every year are many, according to Bob Troyer, spokesperson for the group (via the Cleveland Plain-Dealer):
“It’s a combination of economic effects. We’re working very hard to run a lean operation.”
Helping to fill in the budget shortfall are local Akron business, who have donated over $300,000 to keep the annual event afloat. Even better, some Hollywood big shots are utilizing their influence to chip in as well. How big of a big shot are we talking about here, you ask? Huge. How does the name Corbin Bernsen strike you?
Organizers expect more money to come from the upcoming Soap Box Derby movie “25 Hill.” Team Cherokee Productions, owned by director-actor Corbin Bernsen, has already donated $50,000 and will give part of the film’s proceeds to the organization. Filming continues in Akron. In fact, scenes will be shot between races Saturday.
Awesome. When you got Corbin Bernsen on your side, you know you are set on the path for success. But I wonder where Mr. Bernsen got the money. It was probably from that awesome idea for an LA Law episode he got from George backstage at The Tonight Show. You know, if Seinfeld was a reality show and not some stupid sit-com.
Anyway, all the best to the All-American Soap Box Derby and its continued success as it continues to roll on down the road, much to the delight of red-blooded Americans everywhere.
73rd Soap Box Derby financial woes don’t stop race fanatics [Cleveland Plain-Dealer]
It’s funny because I’m insinuating that Kurt Warner has got the crabs. I always suspected Brenda might be the kind of gal who would sleep around – she just has that look about her, you know? – so I hope Kurt didn’t buy into her whole “I got pubic lice from using a public toilet” story.That’s a load of bull.
At the same time, maybe this completely made-up story created by taking a headline out of context is really about Kurt Warner simply having head lice, but the idea of Mr. Goody Two Shoes having crabs is a much, much funnier situation, wouldn’t you agree?
Yeah, I knew you would think so, too.
Kurt Warner: “The itch has not come back one bit” [Sports Radio Interviews]
