Archive for July, 2010
In yet another example of its aggressive, safety-first plan to combat the rising incidence of concussions among the league’s gladiator-like players, the NFL, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that it will tackle the issue the same way in which guidance counselors attempt to convince junior high students not to take drugs:
Scary posters!
That’s right, the above poster (well not the exact poster – this was my creation using this one) will be hung in every NFL locker room in a move that is sure to instantly reduce the frequency of unreported head injuries (via The New York Times):
The new document also warns players that repeated concussions “can change your life and your family’s life forever,” a clear nod to retired players’ wives who have spoken out on the issue, occasionally before Congress. A draft of the poster also features photographs of unnamed youngsters in various sports with the reminder, “Other athletes are watching.”
Other athletes are watching? Chilling. In a way, it’s similar to when your grandmother would warn you that God was watching you and “knew what you were up to in there” when you locked yourself in the bathroom for 30 minutes. But that’s another story for another time. Preferably during a private therapy session.
In other mind-blowing news, water is still wet and the sun continues to rise every morning in the east.
Rookie Terrence Cody, the busty 2010 second round draft pick of the Baltimore Ravens out of Alabama, has failed a Ravens conditioning test and has been put on the PUP (Physically Unable to Perform) List. Ravens head coach John Harbaugh, who must have seen Cody in the locker room without his shirt on – or possibly at the team breakfast stacking several pounds of bacon on his tray – was not surprised by the wheezing, sweating and gasping outcome of Cody’s conditioning test (via Ravens Insider):
“Every year, certain guys struggle with that,” Harbaugh said. “Guys learn there are a certain level of expectation in terms of conditioning that goes with being an NFL player, especially for this team. He’s going to have to get himself in the kind of shape he needs to be in.
Harbaugh added, “We expect all of our guys to be in world-class shape. So, he’ll be in world-class shape soon enough.”
World-class shape? Come on, Coach Harbaugh, that might be setting the bar a wee bit high for a portly fellow like Cody, don’t you think? How about instead of “world-class shape,” you simply expect that Cody be able to bend over and tie his shoes without blacking out or stepping on his flopping and flapping man boobs? I believe baby steps are in order here. Just saying.
Cody, Harris fail conditioning test [Ravens Insider]
(previously at the Sportress: Why Wouldn’t I Post This Photo Of Terrence Cody’s Man Boobs? That Is The Question)
Who would think that the seemingly innocuous and benign act of taking a photo of yourself nude in front of a mirror and then sending that photo to a girlfriend who may or may not be your significant other forever could come back to bite a person in the ass? Certainly not Dallas Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett, who has been forced to issue an apology regarding the fact that a dong photo once sent to a now ex-girlfriend has been zooming all over the internets after originally being posted on MediaTakeout.com. His flaccid apology, which was released as a statement through the Cowboys organization (via The Huddle):
“These pictures were taken four years ago and placed on the Internet recently without my knowledge or consent. I understand that they are totally inappropriate. And for that I am sorry. I regret the embarrassment that it has caused the organization.”
While I feel little sympathy for Bennett for the situation he has placed himself in, you have to admit having dong photos out there without any control who may or may not use them for less than scrupulous reasons must be quite disconcerting. That’s why I have ensured my dong photos are kept safe and sound in the Sportress archives, never to be seen by eyes for which the images were not intended for.
Ah, what the hell. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, after the jump, Weed Against Speed’s dong photos!
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s super terrific morning link dump. Send tips, links and, uh, other stuff, to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Firefighters in Vienna had quite the conundrum on their hands when a kitten managed to evade them as they attempted to rescue it after it got stuck inside a police car’s engine area. “Firefighters and police finally struck paydirt after jacking up a police cruiser, then following the sound and tracing the wayward kitty to a small space inside the vehicle’s floor panel. But it took half an hour of elbow grease before the critter was nabbed and taken to an animal shelter.” Seems like a lot of work for a cat, but hey, I’m a dog person. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Oh no! Larissa Riquelme, a/k/a Paraguayan World Cup Hottie Superfan, was robbed by bandits in Rio. Just tell me here boobs were unharmed. [Out of Bounds]
• Congrats to Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Matt Garza on his no-hitter last night. [Big League Stew]
• And another congratulations goes out to You Been Blinded for being referenced on Pardon the Interruption. That’s awesome. [You Been Blinded]
• Hey, anyone up for a game of Super Orioles Bros? [TAUNTR]
• Chris Johnson tweeted something about he and Adrian Peterson pulling a Miami Heat when they both become free agents. Make it so, as long as it is the Minnesota Vikings assuming the role of the Heat. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• The caretaker of Jimmy Johnson’s home was involved in a standoff with police and has been charged with sexual abuse of a minor. [Busted Coverage]
• Is too much being made of NFL QB contract extensions? [Larry Brown Sports]
• The first words out of an NYPD officer’s mouth after emerging from a coma were “Derek Jeter.” [Ted Williams Head]
• The top 13 running on the field moves. [Five Tool Tool]
• Chad OchoCinco is tired. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Some fancy schmantzy New York City restaurant just sold a hot dog for $69, breaking the world record for the most money some dumbass would pay for a fancy hot dog. [Bob's Blitz]
• Better Def Leppard album: Hysteria or Pyromania? Definitely Pyromania in my book. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: [video] Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?
Come on, mom: let them fight! Let them fight! Let them fight!
Because there is no chance of me setting up the video any better than the guy who originally posted it, Puck Daddy’s own Greg Wyshynski, I’ll allow his eloquent words to set the stage:
One warrior is unceremoniously dumped to the ice by an alleged ally. He slashes his assailant on the ankle, rises, turns, and lets loose an animalistic swat with his arm. They glare at each other as billowing rage blankets the rink. Suddenly, the aggrieved player sheds his mitts, drops his stick and prepares to seek his vengeance …
… Until his mommy tells him to stop, that is.
Fan-freaking-tastic. That video gets better every time I watch it. When the one kid drops the gloves, I absolutely lose it. Although, I found his fighting stance to be a bit lacking in balance and technique, but a couple sessions at Derek Boogaard’s Fighting Camp would definitely clear up those minor flaws.
Video: When moms ruin perfectly good youth hockey fights [Puck Daddy]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Hey, check it out! Rick Reilly did something annoying and stupid again. God, that guy sucks huge balls. [Out of Bounds]
• Awesome: here are 40 brand-spanking-new sexy photos of Larissa Riquelme. Hoo boy, she is one hot DEAR GOD WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS THAT THING ON HER LEG??? [Busted Coverage]
• Look out, kiddos, Brett Favre has been recharged! [TAUNTR]
• Dez Bryant says that Roy Williams was only joking about all that stuff about the rookie being a self-serving prima donna. That’s good. [You Been Blinded]
• In today’s installment of “Weekend At Bettman’s,” the fellas sadly realize it’s still only July. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Sweet Jesus, could it be true? Peter King got in a fight? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The soundtrack for Madden 11 has been released. [FirstCuts]
• Does the PGA Tour have only itself to blame for its scheduling woes? [Waggle Room]
• Charles Barkley and Kevin from The Office teamed up for a karaoke version of “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Wait. What? [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Sweet: another incredibly amusing installment of “FCL Finishes The Headline.” [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Backpacker Planning To Shatter Europeans’ Preconceptions Of Americans
Send tips, links and your personal favorite karaoke jams to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
I don’t know about you guys, but the thought of watching a bunch of NFL preseason games makes me want to puke…from excitement!!
If it wasn’t bad enough that the NFL holds potential season ticket holders in bondage by forcing them to plunk down their hard-earned money for two stupefyingly ridiculous and useless preseason games in order to procure tickets to their favorite team’s regular season games, now the greedy, money-grubbing brain wizards at the National Football League now expect you to plunk down even more of your money just for the mind-numbing pleasure of watching NFL preseason football from outside your market on its website. Via Michael Hiestand’s always-informative Sports Television blog on USA Today.
The NFL Network and NFL.com, says spokesman Dennis Johnson, will formally announce today that preseason games will air live online for the first time. Through a $40 subscription package, NFL.com will stream 54 games live, not including 11 games on national TV. NFLN airs 10 preseason games live.
Whoop-dee-freaking-hoo and la-dee-freaking da! What a frickin’ steal! Are you telling me that for a measly forty bucks I will be able to go online and watch the epic week four preseason game between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Houston Texans? That’s gonna be schweet! In this epic matchup, I will mostly be looking forward to the head-to-head battle between Houston’s fourth-string right guard Tom Whatshisname against Tampa’s soon-to-be-relegated-to-the-practice-squad nose tackle Afa Willneverbreakintostartinglineuptasi.
Man, Samoan last names are weird, aren’t they? And kind of long, too.
Joe Theismann, Notre Dame telecasts, a possible fit [Sports Television]
Just attempting to gauge whether or not any of you loyal Sportress devotees (all four of ya) happen to be Spider-Man aficionados. If you happen to be a die-hard fan of the noted web-slinging wall-crawler, I imagine your spider-sense is tingling right about now due to the mention of Dr. Curt Connors, who of course is the mutated archenemy of Spider-Man, better known as The Lizard.
Even without being a Spider-Man fan, any lover of fine art can certainly agree that this is a mesmerizing piece of artistic brilliance. I don’t know about anyone else, but the artist’s provocative use of color, controlled tones and interesting depiction of anthropomorphic alligators seem to indicate great vulnerability, a man-child crying out for love, an innocent orphan in the post-modern world. On the other hand, he could also be a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify only his most basic and immediate urges. Or maybe a little bit of both. Who knows?
I do know, however, that the fine folks over at Every Day Should Be Saturday, who originally discovered this piece, have speculated as to how a conversation between Football Alligator Man and Basketball Alligator Man would go. It’s a real hoot. Almost as amusing as the idea of some yahoo painting alligators with human characteristics holding trophies and shaking hands standing in a swamp while wearing Florida Gators jerseys.
Yeah.
THE GREATEST FLORIDA FAN ART EVER MADE [EDSBS]
While I greeted the fact that ESPN issued a release announcing that Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen will once again make their way across this great land to cover NFL training camps in something tWWL is calling “On the Road to Camp” (get it? On the Road? Sal Paradise? Dean Moriarty? No? You really should read more) with much happiness and relief, as it meant that the NFL season is just around the corner, I also took the news with a bit of trepidation and a morose sense of resolute sadness, as it means that yes, Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen will once again make their way across this great land in Kerouac-ian fashion to cover NFL training camps. The dynamic duo will be on the road from July 29th through August 16th and let me tell you something: it’s going to be brutal. Need me to justify why I’m not particularly looking forward to ESPN’s own version of Dumb & Dumber (“That Jay Glazer’s full of shit, man”), look no further than the below quotes from the two Dharma Bums (via ESPN Media Zone):
“It’s a post-card of America that Adam and I can share, some of it very unpredictable. How did I know I was going to end up in a Wisconsin cheese factory last year during my visit with the Packers….and make a fool out of myself?,” said Mortensen. “Maybe, just maybe, I’ll average four hours of sleep a night. But as Colts’ great assistant coach Tom Moore once told me at 5:15 in the morning, `Mort, you gotta love it!’ And we do.”
“The race – and coverage – is on,” added Schefter. “Mort’s doing the West Coast, I’m doing the East Coast and even Roger Goodell is taking his own trip. Whomever smells worst at the end wins.”
Whoooeee! I can hardly contain my excitement. I am eagerly looking forward to Mortensen making a fool out of himself – again – and Schefter wallowing in his own body odor like it is some journalistic badge of courage.
March on, ye weary travelers of the Road. We will be with you in spirit. Which is a helluva lot better than actually having to put up with these two woodheads.
ESPN’s Mortensen and Schefter “On the Road to Camp”: July 29- Aug. 16 [ESPN Media Zone]
…and totally causes me to…RAGE!
Fists clenching…urge to commit a little bit of the old ultraviolence increasing…need something to calm frayed nerves…
Awwwww.
Whew. Much better. That was close.
(for more faces desperately in need of a fist, be sure to check out the great Gourmet Spud’s “Punchable Faces” feature over on Food Court Lunch. It’s the bee’s knees)[H/T for image to the sensational The Sports Hernia Blog]
The heck? I’m not sure how this semi-amusing story (for us, not Gardner) managed to slip through the cracks over the weekend, but apparently Yankees left fielder Brett Gardner was hospitalized Saturday morning with a wicked flare-up of his acid reflux, which he believes was caused by a pork chop he ate as part of his pregame meal on Friday. According to a story in the Star Ledger, Gardner felt ill afterward and assumed that the pork chop got “lodged in his digestive system” and he was hoping the delectable hunk of pig meat “would pass through,” but to no avail. He awoke Saturday morning still painfully bemoaning his choice in dining options.
As a frequent sufferer of heartburn (Rolaids? They’re like candy to me), I can certainly sympathize with the outfielder’s plight. Gardner has dealt with his acid reflux condition since he was a teenager and all interested parties believe he’ll be just fine:
“He’ll be fine,” said manager Joe Girardi before the game. “It’s something he has dealt with since he was 15 years old. For whatever reason, it (his food) didn’t go down like it usually does.” …
So, there you have it. Gardner didn’t play on Saturday because he had a real bad tummy ache. But I am happy to report that Gardner was back in the lineup for Sunday’s game against the Royals, where he went 1-4 with an RBI in New York’s 12-6 victory.
That’s all well and good, but the next time Gardner feels icky, I hope he doesn’t use it to disparage the wonderful qualities and taste of a pork product. I will not stand idly by and allow this fine food – in any of its delicious forms – be callously disparaged.
I’m keeping my eye on you, Gardner. You better watch it. Next time, Gardner may elect to have something more easy on his system, or if he elects to go with something as scrumptious as a pork chop, perhaps he should heed Jamie Lee Curtis’ advice and eat some Activia beforehand. It works for her. You should see Jamie Lee Curtis pinch a loaf sometime. Epic crapper, that woman. Her defecation output is stinkingly astounding.
Poop.
Gardner hospitalized with acid reflux condition [Star-Ledger]
Apparently, at Jacksonville Beach, it is not safe to go in the water, nor is it a wise idea to read any articles about suspected shark attacks on college baseball players on News4Jax.com.
JACKSONVILLE BEACH, Fla. — A local college pitcher whose job it is to pound the strike zone found himself in the strike zone Friday afternoon at Jacksonville Beach.
Yeesh. That’s some serious weaksauce right there.
UNF Athlete Bitten In Surf At Jax Beach [News4Jax.com (via the eminently excellent Walkoff Walk)]
What we have here is yet another exhibit which contributes to the mounting evidence that Shaq might in fact be getting a bit long in the tooth and maybe even off his rocker just a tad. Yep, Shaq has recently began a friendship with and developed into something of a fanboy for one Justin Bieber. I mean, Bieber seems like a nice enough girl and all, but really, Shaq? It’s teeny-bopper music, man. What in God’s name are you doing hanging out with that chick? What has happened to the hard-edged, aspiring rapper who laid down some badass rhymes and dropped some serious knowledge on Shaq Diesel? That Shaquille O’Neal from back in the day wouldn’t have gone out like this. Even worse, Shaq tweeted his praise for the teen idol after attending a Justin Bieber concert:
I was at a justin bieber concert he had dat mug jumpin 50 thousand people dat kids a star, and I got his autograph thanks justin
Well, I give Shaq credit for not tweeting something like “OMG OMG!! I just got Bieberster’s autograph!! OMG! Im gonna die!!!” but still. Come on, Shaq: you’re better than that.
What’s that? Shaq was kicking it with Bieber because the teen sensation was filming an appearance for Shaq’s ABC show, Shaq Vs. and that said appearance consisted of some sort of likely nightmare fuel-inducing dance-off? Um, I see. Well, that makes it a little bit better. Not much, but a little. I guess. No self-respecting man should be heaping praise upon Justin Bieber. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m on my way out to the store to pick up the entire Selena Gomez CD collection. She’s the best.
Justin Bieber shows off photos from ‘Shaq Vs.’, wins Teen Choice Award (video) [Examiner]
As you likely are already aware, swamp rock legend John Fogerty was on hand for the induction ceremonies at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York yesterday and got the event started with his oft-overplayed ode to baseball, “Centerfield,” a song which is played in every ballpark across this country and has sold more than two million copies.
Fogerty has loaned the guitar, which had to be recently restored after it was damaged in the Nashville floods, to the Hall and it will be prominently displayed in an exhibit case along with other memorabilia associated with the song.
From The Tennessean:
“I’m truly honored,” Fogerty said after playing the song on his guitar “Slugger,” which is shaped like a baseball bat and went on display later in the day inside the Hall of Fame. “I wrote that as an 8-year-old boy. That 8-year-old boy right now is saying, ‘It ain’t getting any better than this.’ “
In tribute to his love of baseball and in response to the popularity of “Centerfield” – Fogerty’s 1985 comeback album that featured the nostalgic title track of the same name – Fogerty commissioned guitar craftsman Philip Kubicki to create a custom guitar he called “Slugger.”
Since then, Fogerty has regularly used the special guitar when playing “Centerfield” – and did so Sunday.
Congratulations to John Fogerty for the notoriety and recognition – the man is a true living legend, even if that damn song is kind of annoying. I would have requested he sing some classics from the Creedence catalog instead, such as “Green River” or “Lookin’ Out My Back Door”, but I suppose doing that wouldn’t have made much sense given the location and the event which was being held, but those songs are far superior examples of Fogerty’s songwriting prowess, much like this post is not an example of my blogwriting prowess. But at the same time, none of the drivel I put up on this here site indicates any sort of prowess, either. Sigh.
John Fogerty sends Nashville guitar to Baseball Hall of Fame [The Tennessean]
(previously at the Sportress: ‘Oh, Put Me In Coach, I’m Ready To Play (*Clap Clap Clap-Clap*) Today’)
Because it’s okay if you do. It was just an f-bomb, for crying out loud – that just so happened to be picked up my the microphones during the Golf Channel’s coverage of the final round at the Evian Masters in France. Pressel became agitated as she was preparing to take a swing out of a bunker when a bunch of Frenchies started clicking away with their cameras. A clearly frustrated Pressel stepped away from addressing her ball and asked the gallery to put their cameras away. Unfortunately, being French people, they either did not understand her request because they do not speak English or it can be attributed to the fact they are arrogant French assholes. One of the two for sure.
After addressing her ball for the second time, the cameras began clicking again, and that was all Morgan could stands and she couldn’t stands no more as she then admonished the gallery, saying “Are you kidding?! It’s like a f*cking circus.”
Well, I am not sure if the Evian Masters is exactly like a f*cking circus – I mean, where are the clowns, elephants and alion mauling a ringmaster? Nevertheless, I imagine it must have been a terribly frustrating ordeal for the young Pressel. Still, such a potty mouth for such a nice girl.
LPGA Girl Next Door Calls French Gallery a “F*@&ing Circus” [Wei Under Par]
