Archive for July, 2010
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Phillies fan who turned Citizens Bank Park into his own personal vomitorium has been sentenced to jail. [Out of Bounds]
• North Korean team shamed for poor World Cup performance. Better than being killed, I guess. [With Leather]
• Twins fans don’t seem to be too pleased with the trade for Matt Capps. [Big League Stew]
• Poll question on TSN makes little sense. Damn Canuckistanis. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Fittingly, Kyle Singer’s book about Duke basketball is strongly phallic. Well, not really, but it would make perfect sense if it were. [TAUNTR]
• Anorexic woman loves the Redskins. Eat a burger, lady. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Carrie Underwood has stronger legs than you do. I bet she does. Hoo baby. [Bob's Blitz]
• This won’t end well: PGA to allow cell phones at the Wyndham Championship. [Devil Ball Golf]
• One of my favorite features on the interwebs: Jersey Fouls. [Puck Daddy]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: World’s Scientists Admit They Just Don’t Like Mice
My sincerest apologies for the lack of posts this afternoon. I know how crabby and panicked you dear readers get without my half-assed musings. This post was actually done many, many hours ago (futurepost!) as I have been busily preparing for a dinner party me and the wife are hosting this evening. That’s right Weed Can Cook. In that way, I’m kind of like Martin Yan, except I’m not Asian. Or incredibly successful. As always, please send tips and links to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. They are always much appreciated. Have a great weekend, kiddos.
If you count yourself among the population of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging lowbreds who enjoy both country music and anything that ESPN tells you to like while it shamelessly force-feeds it to you while ignoring what most people actually tune into SportsCenter for – you know, highlights from sporting events – then the August 2nd editions of SportsCenter are going to be Must See TV…if you can figure out how to turn on your television.
You see, on those Very Special Episodes of SportsCenter, for reasons known only by a couple morons in ESPN’s promotions department, Kenny Chesney’s brand new video for his song “Boys of Fall” will make its world premiere. I am sure for all of you Kenny Chesney fans out there, this little bit of news is right up your poopchute alley.
Hoo boy, this could get very, very interesting. As you can see above, Joe Namath has entered the 21st century and created his own Twitter account, aptly named RealJoeNamath. My pals over at Bob’s Blitz also have pointed out that Broadway Joe has a brand-spanking new website, but it appears the elder statesman of Jets football might have been suckered by some savvy website designer, as the site’s url is www.broadwayjoethoughts.gov.www/broadwayjoethoughts. Nah, just kidding, it’s the yet-to-be-launched BroadwayJoe.tv. Looks pretty awesome.
While this is all well and good and I wish Namath the best of luck in his future online endeavors, the nonsensical tweet above is certainly a cause for concern for anybody who has worried about Namath’s battles with the bottle and his ability to maintain his sobriety. I mean, who in the hell is Bonnie? Am I missing something here? Or maybe it’s because I’m drunk myself right about now. Hey, who is this? And where are my pants? You know what? “I want to kiss you, Michelle Beadle. I couldn’t care less about Joe Namath tweet-a-ling.”
Jets Broadway Joe Namath Launching Web Media Blitz [Bob's Blitz]
Er, that me rephrase that headline: “Daunte Culpepper Has Officially Made The Transformation To A Washed-Up Has-Been After Appearing At UFL Uniform Unveiling.” There. Much better.
The UFL brought all the “stars” for a Uniform Presentation Gala the other night in Las Vegas. Apparently, the UFL teams wore essentially the same jerseys – or at least incredibly similar to one another – last season and the upstart league is “making an effort to differentiate the teams in 2010 by giving them all a unique identity.” Different uniforms for different teams? Brilliant!
Culpepper, for his part, is simply grateful to be part of some Grand New Experiment. My guess is he is also grateful he doesn’t have to take that gig making celebrity appearances at carnivals and boat shows. Yet.
Via the Las Vegas Sun:
“It comes down to having fun and being a part of something new and great,” said Culpepper, quarterback of the Sacramento Mountain Lions. “That’s what I think this league is going to do. I’m happy to be a person that can help start this league and get it going right.”
But here’s the money quote from Culpepper, which indicates he might not fully understand what league he has joined.
“All of these guys here are great players,” Culpepper said. “It’s good that we’re going to be able to showcase our abilities on a national stage still.”
National stage? I suppose technically, he’s accurate, but let’s be real here, Pep. While there are UFL teams scattered around the country, at this stage in its evolution, the UFL is not the national stage. At the same time, like I mentioned above, he’s nearing the end of the line as far as playing football is concerned, so he might as well enjoy it.
With that in mind, get your roll on, Daunte! Just like the old days, right? When a younger Weed Against Speed plunked down $250 for your authentic Vikings jersey only to see you completely shred your knee less than a year later against the Panthers. What a rube I am. But please, do not feel bad for me. A couple of years later, I replaced my authentic Daunte jersey – which is still hanging in my closet, for some unknown reason – with an authentic Tarvaris Jackson jersey.
Wait.
New UFL stars help unveil uniforms in Las Vegas [Las Vegas Sun]
What the fungus? Who is that broad and how will she help sell games? The decision to put some unknown lesbian on the cover of NHL Slapshot truly boggles the mind, doesn’t it? Especially coming from an incredibly successful company like EA Sports. A rare miss.
What’s that? That’s The Great One, Wayne Gretzky? You gotta be kidding me. What in tarnations has happened to the guy? And what’s the deal with the hair? I would hate to have to be the person to break it to him, but That 70s Show has been off the air for years, so there’s no chance Gretzky is landing that cameo appearance he is clearly coveting with that hairdon’t. Jebus.
Get a haircut, Wayne, you damn lesbo-looking hippie. And try to find some modicum of self respect before you end up on the Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians website.
[H/T for image to Pro Hockey Talk]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links and examples of things you have burned with your crack pipe to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Randy Malone, a 47-year-old crackhead in New Mexico, was found by deputies on the side of a freeway naked with his prosthetic leg in flames. The fake leg started on fire after he put his crack pipe in his pocket. He ended up walking on the freeway after a person who was giving him a lift kicked him out of the car after Malone lit up his crack pipe. Ah, stories about crackheads, a true whimsical delight. [azcentral]
• The guy who wore the LeBron James Miami Heat jersey to the Indians game? He wishes he could move to Miami, but apparently he doesn’t earn enough at the Sunglasses Hut at the mall to fund the move. [Out of Bounds]
• Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis might not be 100% behind the team bringing in T.O. Weird. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Here’s an interesting little story about how Sean Salisbury once got into a fight with Albert Haynesworth. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Why did Andruw Jones try to assassinate Chicago mayor Richard Daley? [Bob's Blitz]
• What I would give to get my hands on a Ben Sheets starting lineup action figure. It’s made out of real glass! [TAUNTR]
• Baseball’s 7 worst ideas since 1990. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Those damn Oakland Raiders – screwing up everything for everyone else. [Rumors & Rants]
• After he insinuated that she was less than appealing, Miss Iowa fired back at Miguel Batista. [The Slanch Report]
• The top 10 reasons Roy Oswalt waived his no-trade clause and joined the Phillies. [Five Tool Tool]
• Looking back at three terrible MLB trades from the 1990s. [More Hardball]
• Mark Cuban made a cameo in a rap video? What the fungus? [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Yay! A KSK Sex/Fantasy Football mailbag! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Gatorade Pledges $200 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• There is no place in Major League Baseball for Brian Wilson’s brightly-colored shoes. [Out of Bounds]
• It’s time to tailgate with the coolest ice luge on the planet. [Busted Coverage]
• NBA 2K11‘s soundtrack has been released. [FirstCuts]
• The virtual Tiger Woods is having the same problems as the real Tiger Woods. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Ichiro likes his beer tastefully processed. [Tirico Suave]
• This very well could be the baseball lede of the year. [Walkoff Walk]
• ESPN anchor makes his feelings known about Citi Field. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Former ballplayer turned Kentucky senator blasts Stephen Strasburg. [With Leather]
• Some Mississippi State basketball player has gotten himself tangled up in a Real World love triangle. [The Dagger]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
If you happen to be passing through New Britain, Connecticut on August 13 about noonish, you would be wise to stop on by New Britain Stadium, home of the Minnesota Twins Double-A minor league affiliate Rock Cats, to soak in some rays and catch the Road Dogs, a softball team comprised of the Jonas Brothers and their crew, take on the G.O.A.T.S., a “celebrity” softball team consisting of a collection of random ESPN personalities, headed by none other than Matthew Berry. Whee!
The first pitch for the August 13 game was figuratively tossed in May when the Jonas Brothers were guests on an ESPN Fantasy Focuspodcast. They mentioned their “Road Dogs” team, and ESPN fantasy guru Matthew Berry aka “The Talented Mr. Roto,” challenged them to a game. The team name “G.O.A.T.S,” which is an acronym for “Greatest of All Time” (a common phrase used on the podcast), was submitted by a loyal listener.
While the “Road Dogs” are made up of Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas, their band mates and road crew, the ESPN “G.O.A.T.S” will present a line-up including Berry, Mike and Mike in the Morning‘s and SportsCenter‘s Mike Greenberg, SportsNation‘s Michelle Beadle, NFL analyst and former All-Pro defensive end Marcellus Wiley, and Baseball Tonight analyst and former MLB player Eduardo Perez. NFL Live host Trey Wingo will add play-by-play and commentary to the game.
Michelle Beadle, you say? Now that ain’t half-bad, not half-bad at all, especially considering the fact that Buzz Killington himself, Colin Cowherd, will be nowhere to be seen.
Apparently, the game is for charity or something – I don’t know, I didn’t finish reading the release on the Rock Cats’ official site after I lost my train of thought. I guess I got distracted while ruminating over the charms of one Michelle Beadle. She can engorge herself on the wiener I got right here anytime she pleases. But I hope she likes Vienna Beef, though, that’s all I have on hand.
Jonas Brothers & ESPN Meet in Softball Challenge [New Britain Rock Cats]
One would suspect that this display of greed and envy would work Tim Tebow into a fit of holy rage, where he would angrily approach his agent, rip the Blackberry out of his agent’s hands and cast him out of the sacred grounds of the Englewood, Colorado Kinko’s rental office space and condemn the evil man, but perhaps the indulgences of fame and wealth are tempting St. Tebow.
The great Tim Tebow is missing his second consecutive day of Broncos training camp while his money-grubbing agent attempts to squeeze out more money from the organization than what Dez Bryant received from the Cowboys, despite the fact that Bryant was selected one pick earlier than the quarterback. Apparently, Tebow’s agent, Jimmy Sexton, believes that Tebow deserves to be paid a premium because he’s a quarterback.
Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels is not impressed. Via Game On!:
“We went through 60 pages this morning in an installation meeting, and those pages are filled with information,” McDaniels said. “It’s not that we aren’t going to go back and review that. We will. I think that any opportunity to get in more, particularly a young player, whatever position it is; whether it is a quarterback or something else, I think it helps them.”
As a player who was drafted with many questions regarding whether his skill set will cut it in the NFL, you have to wonder if Tebow and his agent might just be acting a bit too greedy in this instance. It’s not like Tebow is hurting for money with all that Jockey underwear rolling in.
In his report on ESPN.com, Ed Werder speculates that when Tebow signs, this only means that Tebow will “have to do some playbook cramming to do along with his regular workload,” which I have to question. There’s no way Tebow is going to be doing any playbook cramming. First of all, in Tebow’s eyes, sodomy is a sin and secondly, how is a person going to explain a playbook shoved up their ass to the proctologist? I’m sorry, but the “million to one shot, doc” excuse ain’t going to cut it.
Eye opener: Is Tebow making the right decision? [Game On!]
Sources: Tebow, Broncos negotiating [ESPN]
Get ready to experience the crazy, those of you who actually spend some of your hard-earned money to subscribe to ESPN The Magazine (and yes, I know, if you subscribe you to that testament in periodical mediocrity you become an ESPN Insider on their website which allows you to read thought-provoking columns by Buster Olney and Adam Schefter and whoever else tWWL hides behind their Iron-Clad Gate Of Internet Iniquity, but who cares)…
Holy parenthetical tangent, Batman! No wonder why I have never been asked to be a guest editor for ESPN The Magazine. But Ron Artest has been asked, and that, I suppose, is the central theme I am failing horribly to address here.
Allow me to move on by simply quoting the ESPN press release which announces that they have selected the zaniest of the zany from the world of professional sports to run the 4th annual “Revenge of the Jocks” issue.
Fresh off an NBA championship win, Lakers forward Ron Artest is still looking to accomplish more. One thing he can now check off his list: guest editing the fourth annual ESPN The Magazine Revenge of the Jocks Issue, in which The Mag turns over an entire issue to an athlete. In his story, “Under The Dome,” Artest delves a little deeper into his own head—like he usually does with his on-court opponents—by interviewing his toughest rival…himself. In the Q&A he asks (and answers): “When did it become about winning for you?”; “Now that you’ve won a title, do you still have any personal goals in the NBA?” and “Do you still want to play for Team USA?” In addition to being editor in chief for the day, Artest participated in interviews, photo shoots and meetings with staffers.
There is a bunch of other stuff featured in the issue that I am sure will be a delight to read by those out there who are happy to get their sports fix in magazine form courtesy of a rag that provides a forum for Stu Scott to “holla” and Rick Reilly to “botha.”
Ron Artest Takes Over ESPN The Magazine as Editor in Chief of the Revenge of the Jocks Issue [ESPN Media Zone]
Dear Lord.
On August 6th at Dodgers Stadium, the home team will be putting on ’80s Night as they take on the Washington Nationals. On that night, the first 20,000 fans through the gate will receive the above Matt Kemp “King of Swing” poster (click on image for full-sized awkwardness). I have no idea who would want this atrocity and if your son seems keenly interested in procuring one, you might have some problems on your hands. And if that indeed happens to be the case, in riffing off the above poster, I would start the blame with the Man in the Mirror.
Either way, for some unknown reason, my guess is these bad boys will be in high demand, but since it is Dodger Stadium, I would say if you show up before the 4th inning, you’ll be good to go.
Because people in La La Land show up late to Dodgers games, you see. I’m surprised you haven’t heard that one.
Matt Kemp: King of Swing Poster [Vin Scully Is My Homeboy (via Out of Bounds)]
“License to kill armadillos by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill armadillos at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote.”
An interesting little story about how Brett Favre spends his summer vacations – besides waiting long enough to get surgery so he can avoid training camp, that is – comes courtesy of Bob Sansevere of the Pioneer Press who relayed an account told to him by Brad Childress of exactly what went down when the Vikings head coach visited Favre on his palatial estate in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which is, according to Childress, “a big enough place where he can be doing anything from cutting wood to shooting water moccasins.” Sounds grand.
All the amusing, backwoods hick goodness follows.
In what could turn out to be simply the Dallas Cowboys Hall of Fame quarterback cracking wise, TMZ has video of Troy Aikman stating that he is set to follow in the sashaying footsteps of his former teammate, Emmitt Smith, and will be one of the contestants on an upcoming season of ABC’s bizarrely-popular series, Dancing With The Stars.
The reason behind why Aikman might just be joking around – or perhaps just confused due to the violent brain-scrambling hits he suffered during his NFL career is that DWTS usually likes to keep the future contestants tightly under wraps until they are ready to make the grand announcement on a prime time special. Further, Aikman could also just be busting the chops of his former coach Jimmy Johnson’s foray into reality television land, as the hair-helmeted FOX analyst is slated to compete on Survivor: Nicaragua over on CBS.
Whether it is some sort of joke or Aikman is being dead serious, I am certain that when Joe Buck, his partner in the broadcasting booth for the NFL on FOX, sees the video, he’s going to be fit to be tied. Not that he is envious of Aikman because he wants to be on DWTS , instead, he would just like to know who in the hell that gigolo is at Aikman’s side – Buck is sick and tired of Troy’s free-wheeling, man-whorish behavior. Such a jealous little bitch, that Buck.
Troy Aikman — I’m Doing ‘Dancing with the Stars’ [TMZ]
(previously at the Sportress: What About Styling Gel And Loose Senior Ladies? Jimmy Johnson To Be On ‘Survivor’)
Until I saw this photo, I had no idea Bad Idea Jeans had a “Distressed” line of dungarees for the hipster set, but there you have it, as clear as the realization should have been to this bozo that wearing a LeBron James Miami Heat jersey to an Indians game at Progressive Field would result in unwanted, possibly hostile attention. But hey, you have to give him credit for the courage to make such daring fashion choices. He’s like the Bjork of woodheaded mouthbreathers.
From an AP report in the Cleveland Plain-Dealer. Pay close attention to the slap-the-forehead-you-gotta-be-kidding-me final sentence.
Fans in the left-field bleachers chanted obscenities and pointed at the man Wednesday night during the sixth inning of the game between the Indians and New York Yankees. Hundreds of fans joined in before security led the man out the ballpark.
As he left, some fans followed him toward the gate with more derisive chants.
James’ recent departure from the Cleveland Cavaliers to the Heat caused a lot of anger in the city.
Wait? Clevelanders are upset about James abandoning them? When did this happen? Did I miss a memo or something?
Thankfully, there were cooler heads in attendance last night and they prevailed before this guy was torn apart by an unruly mob when security came and escorted the fella out of the stands. Some video evidence of the surreal scene follows.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links and additional amusing names to call fatty fatty boombalatties to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• British public health minister Anne Milton has suggested that one way to combat obesity is to stop referring to fat people as obese. “If I look in the mirror and think I am obese I think I am less worried (than) if I think I am fat,” Milton, a former nurse, told the BBC. “At the end of the day, you cannot do it for them. People have to have the information.” Interesting point, although I question the wisdom behind using Weird Al Yankovic’s “Fat” video for public service announcements to help spread the word. Ham on! [Yahoo!/Reuters]
• Former NBA player Lorenzen White’s body has been found near Memphis. [Ball Don't Lie]
• That photo of a whale crashing onto that boat everybody has been arguing about? Totally real. [Out of Bounds]
• Guy wearing a LeBron jersey at a Cleveland Indians game asked to leave, booed mercilessly. [Busted Coverage]
• Curt Schilling is a full-fledged neo maxi zoom dweebie, and here’s the video to prove it. [You Been Blinded]
• After some douche who got to throw out the first pitch at a Mets game did his thing, he asked Johan Santana for his autograph as the pitcher was taking his spot on the mound. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Speaking of morons, some dude tried to drink a beer every mile during of the San Francisco Marathon. [Ted Williams Head]
• A few photos illustrating the true douchiness of Alex Rodriguez. [Bob's Blitz]
• The top 10 reasons ESPN pulled their LeBron James story off their website yesterday. [Five Tool Tool]
• LeBron James and Jay-Z meet up and talk about stuff. [Food Court Lunch]
• Congratulations to Drew for making an appearance on Versus. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Nine douchebags you’ll find at a baseball game. [Total Pro Sports]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past 8 Years
