Archive for June, 2010
A stage play based upon former-NHL- star-turned-tortured-drug-and-alcohol-abusing-soul Theo Fleury’s life with source information culled from his autobiography Playing With Fire, is currently in development and will be put on by Alberta Theatre Workshops. It even has a catchy name: Don’t Quit Before The Miracle. That’s a good enough title and all, but in light of his problems with drugs and alcohol and the claim he made in his book alleging that he had been sexually abused by junior hockey coach Graham James, I would have went with Theo, Theo: A Young Man’s Drunken, Erotic Journey From Oxbow to the NHL.
It’s catchier, you see.
Fleury considered playing himself in stage play [Yahoo!/AP]
Sitting in second place behind Ghana in Group D with one match to play, the Germans are in a decent enough spot in the tournament, could be better, could be a lot worse. One spot they are unhappy with is the accommodations at their hotel.
Don’t get me wrong, the luxury resort they are staying at is plenty nice and I am sure their every need catered to, but there is one menace which leaves the players generally holed up inside, afraid to go out and explore the palatial grounds:
Terrifying, bloodthirsty iguanas! GAH! From a Reuters report on Yahoo!:
Even a walk close to the swamp-like Hennops river, which runs through the camp, is out of the question.
“Normally nothing should happen walking there but if you go too close to the river then the iguanas, and they are quite big, can swing their tails and have been known to break several bones. Luckily nothing of that sort has happened yet.”
NO! Not the iguanas! Although what they say is true: I had an iguana as pet when I was younger and they can get pretty mean and aggressive and if they happen to catch you with a tail whip, it can hurt, but really? These tough soccer players won’t even venture outside for a walk because they are afraid of a little lizard? Come on, Germans: don’t be those guys.
And to make matters worse, here is a bit of a Sportress exclusive: someone who works at the very hotel the Germans are staying at sent me a photo of two of the players who actually had the courage to go outside for a spell. The problem was somebody mentioned to them that there might be a gigantic, vicious grasshopper on the prowl, so the hotel had to outfit them with these outfits.
Hoo boy. That ain’t right.
Wary of iguanas, bored Germans finally venture out [Yahoo!/Reuters]
To be honest, I never developed a huge love for the video game Guitar Hero. I bought the first two versions and I could play it well enough – although the next time I hear “Cherry Pie” 10 consecutive times will be far too soon – but I never became a rabid, obsessed maniac about the game.
Finally, a game has come along that has not only captured my fancy, it just might be the greatest game ever invented:
Vuvuzela Hero: Legend of Africa
And get this: there is a free online version of the game. The site is French or Dutch or Australian or something – the point is, it’s not in English, that’s for sure – but I would recommend heading on over to Olybop and giving it a blow, er, try. Buzz away, budding vuvuzela heroes.
/makes Sign of the Horns gesture, yells “Vuvuzelas Rock!” while wagging tongue
//notices co-workers staring at me even more perplexedly than usual
///puts shirt back on
Vuvuzela Hero – Legend of Africa [Olybop via RandBall]
Far be it from me to be overly-cynical, but the news that ESPN will for the fifth straight year will help orchestrate helping bring about sick children’s sports-related Make-A-Wish requests with the rolling out of the wildly-popular “My Wish” series on SportsCenter leaves me a bit skeptical.
You know the routine: Scott Van Pelt or John Buccigross or whichever SportsCenter anchor drew the shortest straw will set aside their played-out shtick for a moment, act solemnly as they introduce a profile of some poor little kid who is dying and make its viewers feel like crap that they are watching ESPN flagship program instead of doing something productive with your life. It truly is heartbreaking and makes for great television. And you got Chris Connelly narrating the bastards, so the melodrama is turned up to 11, not that these stories need any embellishing. These poor children go through more crap and suffer worse in one week than many of us will in our lifetimes. But hey, look! Here are some wonderful professional athletes who have taken time out of their busy schedules to make a sick child’s life a bit brighter, if only for a moment. It really tugs at the heartstrings and my sensitive emotions are not something to be manipulated and trifled with, ESPN.
Hoo boy. This is so cringe-inducing I almost didn’t do this post. I hate it when the awkwardness gets so pervasive you almost have to cover your eyes.
Above we have video (courtesy of the always-superb Puck Daddy) from the 2010 MuchMusic Awards on Sunday night. In it, about everything that can go wrong during a botched attempt at witty repartee: cue cards were apparently dropped, Miley speaking at about a 3,000 words-per-minute clip and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks appearing to be just barely hanging on while along for the uncomfortable ride. In the end, Toews probably would have preferred that Kanye West had been his partner in this hot mess instead of Miss Miley.
And it gets worse:
Miley and Toews were introducing Drake, the inspirational artist who was in a wheelchair while attending Degrassi High before becoming a monotone, self-deprecating rap star and Canada’s greatest musical export since Justin Bieber. When the show cut over to Drake after this intro, he wasn’t ready to perform yet. Good times.
Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? But hey, at least Miley wore this first ballot entry into the Jailbait Hall of Fame-worthy outfit during her performance later in the show. Now that is awkward. And wrong, wrong, wrong.
Video: Miley Cyrus bungles awards banter with Jonathan Toews [Puck Daddy]
I warned you people. I told you a week-and-a-half ago that Carl Pavano’s mustache was evolving, getting stronger. But after Pavano outdueled Phillies ace Roy Halladay en route to a complete game four-hitter as the Twins won the rubber match between the teams by a score of 4-1, I am afraid we have reached the point of no return: Pavano and his brilliant mustache have melded together and become one awe-inspiring, unstoppable force.
People have begun referencing the magnitude of the mustache by referencing how it makes Pavano appear like Mario and Luigi’s long lost brother, calling him Super Pavario Brother or Pavanio or some variation of them, but I fear that recent developments might indicate this evolution is far bigger than simply a reason to come up with amusing nicknames. That’s right, folks. From here on out, there is no Carl Pavano and a Carl Pavano mustache as separate entities: hereafter they are one and will be known as Pavanostache. It is alive, fully aware and it is hungry.
Respect the Pavanostache. Respect it!
Carl Pavano gives Twins some relief with complete-game win [Pioneer Press]
(previously at the Sportress: Twins Pitcher Carl Pavano’s Mustache Continues To Evolve, Remains Totally Boss)
How do you say “awkward” in French? I imagine it is something like “auquaud” or something fancy-sounding like that but I’m no Francophile, so who knows.
Nevertheless, Erik Bielderman is now my favorite French reporter. Well, he’s the only French reporter I know by name, so it’s really not that much of a compliment, but after he dropped an F-bomb and a “son of a bitch” (it begins at about 38 seconds into the clip) while describing the confrontation between French player Nicolas Anelka and France’s coach Raymond Domenech, I suggest his straight-from-the-hip approach should be more incorporated into ESPN’s daily telecasts. I guess what I am trying to say is swearing on live television is funny. Then again, my sense of humor is not well-developed nor is it incredibly sophistimicated. See, that’s funny too because that’s not how you spell sophisticated! I’m silly.
And how about the way Bob Ley handled the situation? Lesser ESPN personalities would have withered under similar circumstances. Josh Elliott probably would have started stammering or crying or something. And Cindy Brunson? I’m not sure how she would have handled it – it would likely be too hard to tell with all of that damn makeup she wears. Seriously, what gives, Cindy?
[H/T You Been Blinded]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s Rolf Schock Prize-winning morning link dump. Schock and awe, baby. Schock and awe. Send tips, links and examples of names that kind of look like other words but not enough really to crack a joke about to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Social services in Black River Falls have removed children from a home in squalid living conditions which contained a non-functioning freezer filled with 100 dead cats. “Gabriella Bernabei said authorities are targeting her and her boyfriend because of their Wiccan religious beliefs. Bernabei said the cats were kept in the garage freezer because she planned to bury them. She said she was properly storing the carcasses until she could get to the burials.” Yep, it’s because your Wiccan beliefs, lady. Not because you had 100 dead cats in your house. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Congratulations goes out to Graeme McDowell for surviving Pebble Beach on the way to his U.S. Open victory. [Wei Under Par]
• Here’s a photo of Tiger’s caddy, Steve Williams, chilling at the airport. [Waggle Room]
• Ernie Els might have uttered some salty language during Sunday’s round. [Tirico Suave]
• That irate English fan who somehow managed to gain access to England’s locker room has been arrested. [Busted Coverage]
• The top 10 takeaways from the World Cup. [Five Tool Tool]
• A few days after the fact, but here are the NBA Finals Game 7 LOLCATZ. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Scarlett Johansson photos? Scarlett Johansson photos. [Guyism]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• My good pal Josiah Schlatter is now a colleague of mine over at Out of Bounds. Welcome him. [Out of Bounds]
• Are the Chicago Blackhawks going to march in a gay pride parade? [Puck Daddy]
• South African man will not be able to watch any more of the World Cup now that his family murdered him for watching the World Cup. [With Leather]
• Holy phallic-looking World Cup trophy thingy, Batman! [Guyism]
• Thank goodness someone figured out a way for one man to honk multiple vuvuzelas at one time! [Total Pro Sports]
• Some lesbians have been banned from playing in a church softball league. [The Slanch Report]
• Confused Blue Jays fan sings a song about Roy Halladay. [The700Level]
• Stephanie Wei is still rocking it at Pebble Beach. Stay informed. [Wei Under Par]
• Jim Leyland took batting practice the other day, then sucked down a half dozen cowboy killers. [Detroit4Lyfe]
• ‘Duk interviews D.C. Sports Bog proprietor Dan Steinberg regarding Strasburgmania. [Big League Stew]
• Beer Pong can be profitable apparently. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Magazine: The Nation’s Pitching Mounds: Are We Prepared If They Suddenly Erupt With Molten Lava?
Send tips, links and complaints to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Note: I don’t read the complaints.
Not even the presence of the above-mentioned mascot from NBC’s fictitious college in Community could alter the course of events earlier today when referee Koman Coulibaly inexplicable waived off Maurice Edu’s tally which would have given the U.S. a 3-2 lead over Slovenia after the Americans staged a comeback from down two goals. Captain America and Elvis couldn’t help, either.
What gives, deranged fans dressed up as historic pop culture figures of the United States? Put up or shut up. You really blew it. Do you know who would have prevented this travesty? Someone dressed up as Foghorn Leghorn. I have no evidence why this would have been the case, I just know it’s true.
Site note: mucho technical difficulties here at the Sportress today. Apologies.
Phantom goal isn’t only reason US left with a draw [AP]
World Cup 2010: USA fans catch the eye during Group C match against Slovenia – in pictures [The Telegraph]
You can’t help but wonder when those whimsical little horns are ever going to catch a break.
The vuvuzela, already considered the bane of the 2010 World Cup, is making headlines in other sports, as it has been announced that not only has the horn been banned from Wimbledon, but they are also not allowed at Yankee Stadium.
First, Wimbledon (via SI/AP):
“Out of courtesy to the players and their fellow spectators, we make a point of asking spectators not to bring items which could either cause a distraction or interfere with the enjoyment of the occasion,” All England Club chief executive Ian Ritchie said in a statement Thursday.
“Rattles, klaxons and vuvuzelas all fall into that category and they will not be allowed into the grounds. Our message is do not bring them in the first place.”
The heck is a klaxon? It sounds like something Lieutenant Worf would use in some bizarre ancient Klingon ritual.
And even closer to home, the dish on vuvuzela’s recent appearances the Yankee Stadium (via the New York Post), as experienced by bleacher creature Anthony Zachariadis:
“I hid them in my shorts to get into the stadium, and when I pulled out the horns, the whole place went nuts,” he said.
“Phillies fans would walk by and we would blow it in their ear,” he said. “They had a laugh — they knew we were playing with them.”
Zachariadis even gave one of his instruments to a fellow Bronx Bomber fan, who helped demonstrate its ear-splitting abilities.
After Mark Teixeira hit a home run in the bottom of the fifth, Zachariadis went wild on the horn, which sounds like a cross between an elephant and a donkey.
That’s when the security guard told him there’s no braying in baseball.
“I blew on it only five or six times — for big plays,” Zachariadis said.
Zachariadis finally agreed to leave the game in return for not having his horns seized.
“I have been tossed from that place hundreds of times. Many times I even deserved it,” he said. “But this was ridiculous.”
Huh. One would suspect that some loudmouth blowhard who readily admits that he’s been ejected from the stadium hundreds of times would get a fairer shake from security personnel. What a bunch of reactionary fascists, man.
Viva la vuvuzela!
All England Club bans vuvuzelas from Wimbledon [SI/AP]
Yanks ban vuvuzela pests’ instrument of torture [New York Post]
Among the many things I did on my day off yesterday was I caught a little coverage of the first round of the U.S. Open, which is when I came upon Now, I freely admit that this overview of a hole – I cannot recall which one – at Pebble Beach could be considered a bit of a stretch as far as topographical dong is concerned, but it still works, right?
On second thought, this might be how one would envision the twisted appearance of the Elephant Man’s dong. Not that I have spent a lot of time contemplating the possible deformities of Joseph Merrick’s schlong had or anything, but you know what I am getting at, right? No? Huh.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s Lettre Ulysses Award for the Art of Reportage-winning morning link dump. What’s that? Why yes, I know a little German…he’s sitting right over there (/Top Secret). Send tips, links and obscure references to Val Kilmer films to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• After 38 long years, Harold Voelker’s 1956 Ford F-100 pickup truck has been recovered. The truck was stolen in 1972 in Los Angeles. “I go to car shows all the time, and I thought, I’m going to see it one of these days,” Voelker, 63, said Thursday. “That was my baby.” Reunited and it feels so good. [MSNBC/AP]
• Did a U.S. Open heckler get under Tiger’s skin yesterday? [Out of Bounds]
• Hilarious: Unsilent Majority’s LOL World Cup. [With Leather]
• I can’t believe I missed the beginning of Erin Andrews Free Agency Watch yesterday. [Busted Coverage]
• Video has surfaced of those Dutch beer babes. [Bob's Blitz]
• Kim Jong-il was forced to wear funny glasses after losing a soccer bet?[Real Fake Sports]
• Another tremendous poll by USAToday.com. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Jeff Van Gundy really likes Jennifer Garner’s daughter, maybe even a bit too much. Yeesh. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Man catches shark, hilariously screams. [Deuce of Davenport]
• The seven greatest Game 7s in sports history. [straitpinkie]
• More internet hilarity from one of the best in the business, Gourmet Spud. [Food Court Lunch]
• Chase Utley channels his inner JoBu. [TAUNTR]
• Failed Yankees mascots. [Ted Williams Head]
• Spanish goalie gets interrogated by girlfriend on live television. [The Slanch Report]
• John McLean is the new coach of the Devils? [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: I Tell Ya, Until I’ve Had My Morning Coffee, I Am Just A Rapist (By Brett Simmons)
That’s right, kiddos and kiddettes: today is your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger-Man’s birthday. In honor of this great date in human history, yours truly will be taking the day off from my real job as well as my fun job of half-witted sports bloggery. What will I do with my day, you ask? I could do one of several things: watch World Cup matches, the U.S. Open, etc. Heck, I might even try to procure some tickets to today’s epic pitching matchup between Francisco Liriano and Ubaldo Jiménez at Target Field as the Twins go for the sweep against the Rockies. The options are endless.
It’s a beautiful day in my neck in the woods of Minnesota. The sun is shining, there is a cool breeze and it’s time to relax. And I’m another year older. Jebus.
So there you have it. Have a great day, everybody. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to roll…and probably a bit hungover.
Keep on keepin’ on.
After this provocative piece by Ken Schram of KOMO News, it will not be long before professional athletes, models and…other famous people do photo shoots where they drape their nude bodies over the donkeys. Or something like that. Sarah McLachlan loves animals – maybe she could do a commercial or rewrite the lyrics to one of her hit songs. “Angel” would be a nice choice: “In the hooves of a donkey, may you find some comfort there”? I don’t know how great that is – I never said I was a singer-songwriter on par with a Lilith Fair performer – sue me).
In any event, allow me to, um, allow Eric Freeman from The Baseline to explain:
There is a great evil worming its way into the gymnasiums of American high schools under the guise of a friendly fundraiser. I am talking, of course, about donkey basketball, a game in which participants ride donkeys around a basketball court and try their hardest to shoot despite the beasts’ general indifference to the rules of organized sport.
Indeed. Honestly? I feel a bit bad for the donkeys. What did they do to deserve this treatment? Sorry, didn’t mean to get up on my high horse ass, but I have had a soft spot for donkeys ever since I became enthralled with the madcap antics of Mad Jack the Mountain Man and his wily, stubborn old mule partner, Number Seven. Yeah, I know a mule is the offspring of a donkey and a horse, but it’s close enough.
Ken Schram Exposes the Evils of Donkey Basketball [The Baseline]
