Archive for June, 2010
I suppose at this point we shouldn’t be surprised about anything that comes out of Ron Artest’s mouth – crap, if one of those mini-alien suckers shot out of his gaping maw, would anybody really notice? – but recently during an appearance on Tony Bruno’s radio program, instead of talking about psychiatrists and his new song, Artest took a moment to discuss a much more pressing issue: the Gulf oil spill. Via Sports Radio Interviews:
How weird of a time has it been for him after going to the Lakers Championship Parade and then helping out with the oil spill victims:
“It has been weird and brought me right back to Earth because I was real excited, but I am still excited and happy about the parade, but you kind of think about things that can go wrong in one’s life through natural disasters and it can happen to anyone so you have got to stay humble and stick together as people so it is real important they did that today and got together because I have been kind of waiting for this day and when I read it I was like, ‘wow’. The only people that can make a difference are the people that have voices and that is the people that came out today.”
(HEAD ASPLODES)
You heard it, deaf-mutes. Ron said beat it, so scram. Don’t ignore me. Didn’t you hear what I just said?
Oh.
Ron Artest On Oil Spill Victims: “The only people that can make a difference are the people that have voices” [Sports Radio Interviews]
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
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GAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jesus. Un-frigging-believable. An I allowed to breathe now?
As has been previously discussed on many occasions here at the Sportress, it is widely known that whenever an event as grand as the Super Bowl rolls into a town, prostitutes will invariably flock and feast upon the horny denizens of the locale like locusts. Well, the shining city of Arlington will be having none of that, good sir (or ma’am – unless you happen to be a skanky hooker, then just move along, Sally).
In a move only an inept, bloated bureaucracy could come up with while “thinking outside the box,” the city council of Arlington, Texas, the location of Super Bowl XLV next February, are contemplating instituting a “Prostitute Exclusion Zone” in areas surrounding Cowboys Stadium. And here I thought prostitution was already illegal in Texas.
Okay, it is illegal, but city council members, who have been concerned about the onslaught of whores set to invade their town for some time now, have decided that instead of simply enforcing the laws already on the books, they will create new and more restrictive guidelines surrounding the rampant sex trade already plaguing the area as follows (via FSSouthwest):
The City Council is scheduled to receive a briefing Tuesday afternoon about creating a Prostitution Exclusion Zone. The ordinance would set boundaries that people convicted of prostitution-related offenses would not be allowed to cross, except in limited circumstances. The exclusive zone would last for one year.
The proposed zone includes a large section of north Arlington, including Cowboys Stadium, Six Flags Over Texas and Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. That area also includes stretches filled with bars and cheap motels that have attracted drugs, prostitution and other crime for years.
So, there you have it. If a person has been previously convicted of a prostitution-related crime, they will not be allowed to cross some kind of boundary for a period of one year. My question is how will they enforce the boundaries? Barricades with barbed-wire fencing consisting of ID checkpoints which will then be cross-referenced to a master list of lawbreakers? That seems terribly inefficient. Skeezy-looking broads will be pointed back in the other direction? Multiple choice exams consisting of answering questions related to prostitution slang? STD tests? There is no easy answer for this conundrum, is there? It boggles the mind, really.
Arlington considering Prostitution Exclusion Zone for Super Bowl XLV [FSSouthwest]
(previously at the Sportress: The City Of Dallas Will Be Attracting A Lot Of Whores Over The Next Year Or Two)
OMG! “Serena was photo’d hugging some guy…and then she appears to celebrate afterwards!”
This little bit of BREAKING NEWS is courtesy of “The Most Visited Urban Website In The World,” Media Takeout. Yeah, that’s Andy Roddick – a good friend of Serena’s who is also known as Mr. Brooklyn Decker to the layperson. He happens to be, you know, one of the world’s best-known tennis players. Not that anyone would ever fault Media Takeout for not being able to identify, say, Juan Martin Del Potro or Robin Soderling, the two players ranked just below and above Roddick in the ATP tennis rankings, but this is Andy Roddick – he’s married to Brooklyn Decker, for cripe’s sake (see what I did there?).
Thankfully, the astute watchdog commenters who populate Media Takeout posts correctly pointed out the site’s grievous oversight on the titillating, or, since it’s about Serena, assillating post, “SOMETHING NEW??? SERENA WILLIAMS PHOTO’D HUGGING A MYSTERY CAUCASIAN MAN AT THE AIRPORT!!!”, in a manner uniquely Media Takeout-ian, something our friends at Deadspin have pointed out on several occasions. A few samples after the jump.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s Perkin Medal-winning morning link dump, because it is all about chemistry, baby. Send tips, links and complaints to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. And once again be sure to check out weedtubeage all this week for videos from Off With Their Heads, a kick-ass punk band recently signed to Epitaph Records.
• We’ve all been there before – you and a couple of buddies are tipping back a few cold ones when one of you come up with a brilliant idea: “Hey! I got a gun! Let’s shoot each other in the ass to see what happens!” Real smart. Granted, it was an air rifle, but they wound up requiring medical treatment. “The men were sharing a few beers on Sunday evening when they thought it would be interesting to see if they shot one another with an air rifle, if it would penetrate their skin or it would hurt,” a police spokesman said. They should have thrown another shrimp on the barbie. G’day, mate! Crocodile Dundee. Dingo ate your baby and whatnot. That’s all I got. [Yahoo!/AFP]
• Celebrity Celtics fans bought an ad in the paper. Thanks, celebrities! You’re just like us, but with money to buy ads in newspapers! [With Leather]
• USA vs. Algeria-themed sports haiku. [You Been Blinded]
• The top 10 reasons to hate Algeria. [Five Tool Tool]
• Hilarious Czech rugby commercial making fun of soccer players. [Out of Bounds]
• Sexy Asian women with painted-on World Cup jerseys. Nice. [Total Pro Sports]
• International Granny Fighting is the latest craze. [Bob's Blitz]
• Ty Lawson has come out and denied that he was responsible for the Kardashian-related tweets from his account the other night. Liar. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Dancing weatherman celebrating Lakers victory. Pretty fly for a white guy. Okay, not really. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Graeme McDowell just won the U.S. Open and he still had to hang out with the douchetards from that show on HBO. You know the one, with the douchetards in it? [Waggle Room]
• If the Yankees had used their forgotten mascot, they could have changed their names to the Dandies, which would have been cool…for people who hate the Yankees. [TAUNTR]
• My pals over at FHF go off on a worthwhile rant regarding the Hockey Hall of Fame. [Four Habs Fan]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Could this be the first person ever photographed giving the camera the finger? [Out of Bounds]
• Young lady would like to demonstrate to Ronaldo her ball-handling skills. [Busted Coverage]
• The Jacksonville Jaguars are a friggin’ joke, man. [With Leather]
• Ask Joe Thornton has a special guest writer: Sean Avery. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Woody Paige, in his infinite wisdom, could fix the Rockies. [Bugs & Cranks]
• The Stanley Cup will come out of the closet and appear at a Chicago gay pride parade. [Puck Daddy]
• PETA is getting on Michelle Wie’s case because she has an endorsement deal with McDonald’s. Douchebags. [Waggle Room]
• Michael Phelps whooped it up in Vegas. [Total Pro Sports]
• If you ever wanted to see a toothless man nibble on the ear of a New York Giants player, here’s your chance. [The Sporting Blog]
• Jerry Seinfeld is none too impressed with Lady Gaga’s behavior lately. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Ten musical instruments worse than the vuvuzela. [Ted Williams Head]
• Kurt Teixeira, everyone. [TAUNTR]
• Ron Artest led a chant of “Celtics Suck!” during the parade. Shocking. [Bob's Blitz]
• Chris “Birdman” Andersen looks like a lesbian. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Taking a look at a few surprises thus far in the major leagues. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Experts Say Breakfast Now Sixth Most Important Meal Of The Day
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
With his tennis career quickly fading into the twilight, James Blake displayed more fire and tenacity than he has in years on the tennis court earlier today during his match against Robin Haase. Too bad it was not directed at his opponent but instead his sights were set firmly on loudmouth tennis analyst Pam Shriver.
During his lackluster and uninspired straight-set loss (6-2, 6-4, 6-4) to Hasse, a frustrated Blake lashed out and tore Shriver a new one for talking above a whisper during the match. Via The Guardian:
“It’s amazing!” Blake yelled up at the balcony where Shriver was standing, “You played tennis and I can still hear you! You want to be an ass about it and act like I am at fault?”
I am no fan of Shriver – in fact I find her quite annoying (I still cannot believe how she completely put Caroline Wozniacki in a terribly awkward spot during a post-match interview at last year’s U.S. Open?), so I would not be surprised if that blowhard was enjoying the sound of her own voice and talking far too loudly. But instead of taking his frustrations out of some lowly talking head, perhaps he should have been more focused on the task at hand. You know, like not getting one’s ass whipped in the first round at Wimbledon? Granted, the guy is playing on bum knee and he expressed afterward that he was embarrassed by his performance, but still. These guys are professionals and are supposed to be able to block everything out. Between tennis players and golfers, I am not sure which group of athletes are bigger prima donnas.
Wimbledon 2010: James Blake berates broadcaster in Robin Haase defeat [The Guardian]
Photo Courtesy of Patrick McElhenney/FX Networks
“I’m gonna rise up, I’m gonna to kick a little ass, I’m gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, I’m gonna drive a big truck, I’m gonna rule this world, I’m gonna kick some ass, I’m gonna rise up, I’m gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!” – Charlie Kelly, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
In what I am sure will be yet another brilliantly-executed exercise in depravity in hands down the best show currently on television, Philadelphia Phillies stars Chase Utley and Ryan Howard will be making a cameo appearance on an upcoming episode for season six of FX’s It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. My guess is their appearance will put to shame the cameos Sinbad and Rob Thomas made in “Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life”, even though that episode ruled.
Philly.com has got the digs:
Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton cut up yesterday in a conference room at Harrah’s Chester casino as they shot scenes for the sixth season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia with Phillies players Ryan Howard and Chase Utley.
Day (Charlie) was impersonating Frank (Danny DeVito) at a Pennsylvania SPCA banquet. The twist here is that the Mac (creator/star Rob McElhenney) is a big fan of Utley’s. Though McElhenney didn’t get to act with the second baseman, he got to chat with him in his executive producer’s role.
Danny DeVito and a bunch of Sunny cast and crew took in last night’s fête de la music at the Sofitel: live jazz duo out front, a DJ in the bar, and comp hors d’oeuvres. The Sunny folks are in town shooting today.
Sah-weet! Seriously, how awesome is it that Comedy Central is now airing episodes of IASIP on Monday nights? About time, too. I was getting sick and tired of watching the same Family Guy episodes over and over on TBS.
What’s that? I could watch something else besides reruns? You sir, have offended not only my dignity but my taste in what I waste my time watching while I slowly kill more and more of the dwindling amount of brain cells I have left. You know what? Let me kick down a little thing to you that our Founding Fathers kicked down to me. It goes, “Don’t. Tread. On me,” and right now, you guys are TREADING ALL OVER ME.
Utley and Howard join ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ [Philly.com]
How did it go, you ask? Let me put it to you this way: she’s no Matt Foley, that’s for damn sure.
Prior to France’s make-it-or-break it match against host South Africa, France’s Sports Minster Roselyne Bachelot tried to get the team all pumped up with some good old fashioned French motivation techniques, vis-à-vis shaming them into some semblance of a respectable level of competition, despite the fact France’s head coach Raymond Domenech drastically altered the lineup with six replacements, including dropping captain Patrice Evra from the roster.
So what did she say? While patting herself on the back by claiming that the squad “applauded me and they were crying” after the speech, Bachelot recounted her motivational speech to the press (via an AP report in The Seattle Times):
She said she asked the team: “How would you like people to remember you?”
“What image do you want to leave behind?” she added.
“It’s your kids, our children, for whom perhaps you will no longer be heroes. It is the dreams of your partners, your friends, your fans that you have perhaps broken. You have tarnished the image of France.
“French soccer is facing a disaster, not because it lost a match but because this disaster is a moral disaster,” Bachelot said. “The reality of the situation must be faced head-on. It is not merely just a bad period that must be gotten through, nothing will be like it was before. I said so to the players in an extremely emotional meeting.”
So, I know you are dying to know: how did it play out? Did she inspire the team enough for them to march on to glorious victory?
Oops. Apparently, her pregame pep talk which made the Frenchies cry like little babies wasn’t quite on the level of, say, a “Win one for the gipper” kind of speech. Sacrebleu in a Peugeot down by the Seine. Sacrebleu in a Peugeot down by the Seine, indeed.
Bachelot reduces French World Cup players to tears [The Seattle Times/AP]
South Africa tops 10-man France, but becomes first host nation knocked out in group stage [ESPN]
During Andy Roddick’s dominating first round victory (6-3, 6-2, 6-2 in a tidy 93 minutes) over American Rajeev Ram, a crazed, albeit somewhat confused, male fan of the tennis star shouted out what can only be deemed as one of the more disturbing shouts of support Roddick has probably ever heard:
“Come on you sexy beast!”
Um, yeah. What troubles me is that I am concerned that such a flirtatious exaltation may cause Roddick’s wife, Brooklyn Decker, a moment or two of intense insecurity. Sure, she’s relatively good-looking and all, but even slightly attractive women have been known to have severe bouts of low self esteem. And since we don’t know what this guy looks like or the last time he has done the “Buffalo Bill Dance” while watching video of one of Andy’s tennis matches, anything can happen, right?
In the end, I would simply like to warn Miss Decker to look out, there just might be some competition headed her way for the affections of her tennis-playing husband. In the end, she probably shouldn’t worry about it, but having another man refer to one’s husband as a sexy beast, is, well, having another man refer to one’s husband as a sexy beast.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
‘Sexy beast’ Roddick passes Go, collects easy opening win [Reuters]
It takes a nation of millions to hold LeBron back?
Like assholes, it seems that everyone has an opinion on what LeBron James should do concerning his impending free agency. Not that I’m calling legendary Public Enemy frontman an asshole or anything – that would be a pretty irresponsible and moronic thing to do – but he just so happens to be the latest person who has been compelled to discuss the LeBron James Situation and I have always enjoyed using the “assholes and opinions” comparison.
Chuck D, who will be in Cleveland for a performance at the House of Blues on Sunday, was asked by the Cleveland Plain Dealer what he thought James should do. D, despite the fact that he is a New Yorker, thinks James should stay in Cleveland. His thoughts, in their entirety:
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Got a late start here, kiddos. Server issues and whatnot. I don’t know, all that stuff goes way over my head. I need some computer guru or something on retainer, but they would have to work for free and be a 20-year-old Russian hottie that doesn’t speak English. Any takers? Moving on, instead of the “award-winning” bit I usually go with and some offbeat story people rarely care about, how about we just get to the links, mmmkay? Of course, sent tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. And on a side note, be sure to check out Weedtubeage over there on the right. I am featuring Off With Their Heads this week, a great punk band from the Twin Cities who recently signed on with punk rock powerhouse Epitaph Records.
• The vuvuzelas are not only annoying, they are hazardous to your health. [Out of Bounds]
• The charges against the hottie Dutch beer gal fans impostors have been dropped. Sweet, sweet boobtastic justice. [Bob's Blitz]
• The Lingerie Football League has settled on a locale for it’s All-Star Game. [Busted Coverage]
• The top 10 sports moments on Seinfeld. [Guyism]
• The 3rd edition of YBB’s “The Sports Snob.” [You Been Blinded]
• Mark Teixeira had an unnatural obsession with Kurt Cobain. [Walkoff Walk]
• Ty Lawson came up with one of the best tweets ever. [Bootlegger Sports]
• LeBron James has been offered a minor league baseball contract. [More Hardball]
• Here is that epic Phillies faceplant fail from the other day. [Outside the Boxscore]
• The Rams like to indoctrinate their fans at a young age. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Without the NHL, Versus is hurting for programming. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball
It was announced earlier today that Jonathan Toews will be the cover boy for EA Sports NHL 11. Toews is following in the footsteps (skatesteps?) of teammate Patrick Kane, who previously was bestowed the honor when he was the featured athlete on the cover of NHL 10. From NHL.com:
“I am really excited to be on the cover of NHL 11,” Toews said. “It’s been an amazing year for me and the team, and it’s nice to end it by being a part of a game I played growing up. The NHL games have always been great, so it’s an honor for me to be a part of the EA Sports family.”
“Jonathan Toews is one of the best centers in the NHL today,” said Jordan Edelstein, Vice-President of Marketing for EA Sports. “He is a great ambassador for the sport of hockey and his impact on the sport this year is undeniable. It’s great to have him in the EA Sports family.”
Jesus, Toews is living the frigging dream, man. A gold medal, a Stanley Cup championship, a video game cover, all at the ripe old age of 22? Not fair, man. I knew I should have played hockey. Or maybe just learned how to skate. Or blown off the restraining order and agreed to appear at the 2010 MuchMusic Awards with Miley Cyrus. Okay, that last one is a lie. Sadly, life is chock full of regrets. Making a poorly-executed Miley Cyrus joke is just another example of that.
Toews follows in Kane’s footsteps with NHL 11 [NHL.com]
(previously at the Sportress: Jonathan Toews + Miley Cyrus + Awards Show Banter = Awkward)
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Noted goofball Darren Daulton is back for another exciting and informative edition of “Week in Preview.” [Out of Bounds]
• Tim Tebow as a fullback. Please. [With Leather]
• Discussing Forbes magazines “Most Hated People In Sports” bit. [The Sporting Blog]
• How in the bloody hell did Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith break his arm during a flag football game? [Shutdown Corner]
• Be sure to check out your Halak Hockey Horoscope! [Melt Your Face Off]
• Here’s a new song called “Let’s Have A Wank for England,” so, there you go, I guess. [The Slanch Report]
• Hey look! It’s a kitty cat on the field! [Walkoff Walk]
• So long, BroncoGator.com. We hardly knew ye. [Busted Coverage]
• Quite a few golfers had an issue with the 17th hole at Pebble Beach over the weekend and were not afraid to discuss it. [Wei Under Par]
• Will Obama do The Wave? NO HE WON’T! [Larry Brown Sports]
• Did you hear? Graeme McDowell was the “Last Man Standing.” Apparently, every headline writer thought the same thing. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Lady Gaga was a naughty girl in the Yankees clubhouse. [TAUNTR]
• If classic American sports movies were about soccer. [Sports Pickle]
• Butter Chicken shares a World Cup moment with us. [Food Court Lunch]
• Ten out of control soccer celebrations. [Uncoached]
• Best poorly timed photo ever. [Guyism]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: ‘Totally Worth It,’ Claims Grown Man Limping Off Softball Field
Send tips and links to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
The brother of former NFL star William “The Refrigerator” Perry reports that despite some minor hearing loss, The Fridge’s health is improving after dealing with issues associated with an immune system disorder. From the AP:
Fellow NFL standout Michael Dean Perry said Monday his 47-year-old brother has regained most of his strength and is back up to about 330 pounds as he recovers in his South Carolina home.
Michael Dean Perry says his brother lost more than 100 pounds since he was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre syndrome last year. William Perry spent time at a North Carolina rehab center before moving back home.
Well, here’s to The Fridge’s continuing success on the road to a complete recovery. Nothing would make me happier than knowing Mr. Perry is back to his old self. The guy is a legend and I’m not talking about his integral role he played on the Chicago Bears’ 1985 Super Bowl-winning team. I am, of course, referring to the fact that he had his own G.I. Joe action figure. That’s bad ass, my friends.
‘Fridge’ has hearing loss, but condition improving [AP]
