Archive for June, 2010
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• CHEEZ DOODLES! the soothing, dulcet tones of Stephen A. Smith might be returning to television. [Out of Bounds]
• President Bill Clinton knocking back a couple of Budweisers with the U.S. World Cup team. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Landon Donovan inspired our nation’s sports headline writers to channel their inner Randy Jackson, but I ain’t feeling it, dawg. [Joe Sports Fans]
• Jenn Brown is well on her way to replacing Erin Andrews at tWWL. [Busted Coverage]
• The prying cameras at Wimbledon caught themselves a booger eater. [Bob's Blitz]
• I have to agree: two chicks making out at a baseball games makes it infinitely more interesting. [Total Pro Sports]
• Jerry Seinfeld did reasonably well during his time in the broadcasting booth calling the Mets game. [Big League Stew]
• Philly superfan Taserbro sentenced to probation. [The700Level]
• If you have been waiting for your chance to become LeBron James’ neighbor, here it is. [The Slanch Report]
• Some humorous “reactions” to the U.S. victory over Slovenia in the World Cup by the biggest names in the business. [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• Did you hear about the new movie coming out starring Johan Santana and Lawrence Taylor? Looks sweet. [Ted Williams Head]
• I have to agree once again: this is one of the greatest newspaper headlines ever. [Guyism]
•The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Increasing Number Of Americans Unable To Point Out Map
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I Didn't Know Lenny Kravitz's Drummer Was Italian
Being of Irish-Italian descent, I can somewhat sympathize with my paisanos (in a manner of speaking, of course) after their beloved Azzurri squad crapped the bed and were eliminated during the group stage of the World Cup after losing to Slovakia (Slovakia!) 3-2 earlier today. With Italia’s elimination, this World Cup marks the first time ever the two finalists from the preceding World Cup tournament were ousted during group play.
And it wasn’t just the fans in the stands who were suffering: the players and Italy’s coach, Marcello Lippi, were in disbelief on the pitch as well (via the Los Angeles Times):
The moment had Italian goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon holding his head in his hands in disbelief. Buffon had to watch the match in growing frustration from the bench after being sidelined by a back injury in the opener.
On the field, forward Fabio Quagliarella was in tears. Lippi was too angry or embarrassed to stick around. He stalked off the field and into the waiting torture of the postgame press conference.
Once there, he regained his composure and his dignity. Unlike his French counterpart, Raymond Domenech, Lippi was ready to accept the blame.
“I take full responsibility,” he said. “If the squad went out with fear in their legs and hearts, it means the coach did not prepare the match well tactically or psychologically.”
Harsh, dude. But as I mentioned above, I can only somewhat sympathize with my Italian brethren, because when you are sitting on photos like the one after the jump, you cannot help but feel pretty good that you aren’t feeling like these sorry sacks.
Heh. Cock.
If it hasn’t been going bad enough for the French World Cup squad, now major corporations are spending valuable advertising francs on slamming their dreadful performance and inept efforts at becoming a team during the World Cup. Sony took out a full-page Playstation ad mocking their failings which featured a cock with his head blown off with the words “GAME OVER” directly beneath the mutilated bird.
There is certainly no need to go into details over everything that went wrong for the French in South Africa – most of you have undoubtedly heard at least some of the epic fails the team was involved in – from a confrontation between a player and the coach during halftime of a match, to the team refusing to practice to the coach benching the captain and other starters for a must-win game; wherever the French went, a veritable shitstorm was sure to follow.
Oh, to take delight in the misery of others – quite the treat, isn’t it? – which is why the above Sony ad is so wonderfully delightful in its subtle deviousness. Via an AFP report:
The video game console ad did not make specific reference to the team, but the cock is a clear reference to an unofficial symbol of France which features on French footballers’ jerseys.
The headless bird was a photo-montage and “no animal was killed,” noted the small print at the bottom of the ad on the back page of Liberation newspaper. Sony was not immediately available for comment on the ad.
Awesome. Well played, Sony. Well played, indeed. Although I have no idea how a cock without its head does in any way promote any Playstation product, unless Sony is coming out with some sort of Lorena Bobbitt First-person severer game I haven’t heard about yet.
Sony headless chicken ad mocks French World Cup team [AFP]
It should come as no surprise to anyone that Tiger Mistress No. – um, I can’t recall…whichever one she was – former porn actress Devon James’ ludicrous claims that Woods was the father was the father of her nine-year-old son proved to be as inaccurate as a facial administered by a guy with Parkinson’s.
TMZ (who else?) has the goods:
As we first reported, Devon’s mom claims a paternity test back in 2002 shows another dude — Pele Watkins — is almost certainly the dad. Devon didn’t believe such a test even existed.
But now we’ve obtained the actual test … which shows there’s a 99.99% chance Watkins is the daddy. And get this — according to the doc, Devon was officially notified of the DNA results in 2002.
As stated above, you can view the actual paternity documents over at TMZ if you like, but what’s the point? Paternity test results, just as it is the case with a fading starlet carelessly discarded by the porn industry: once you’ve seen one, you might as well have seen ‘em all. Or something like that.
Tiger Woods DNA Test — He’s Not Daddy Material [TMZ]
I still do not understand how Drew Carey took an unfunny, hackneyed shtick and parlayed it into a successful comedy series and then managed to turn that into becoming Bob Barker’s replacement on The Price is Right, but I do understand why it is lame when I guy who claims to be a comedian needs to scrape the bottom of the barrel to crack and go with one of the most clichéd and overplayed bits simply to take a potshot at a person. And while I admire his passion for the sport (he’s co-owner of the MLS Seattle Sounders FC) and interest in promoting soccer here in the States, going with the lowest common denominator should be beneath a guy of his stature.
Case in point: Carey, while what I assume was one of his so-called comedy routines in front of 700 Americans during a barbecue at the U.S. Embassy over in South Africa, went with the tired “the referee is blind” bit when he blasted inept referee Koman Coulibaly, the Malian moron who jacked the U.S. by waving off Maurice Adu’s tiebreaking goal against Slovenia. Via The Full 90:
“He’ll be flying home to meet his guide dog and everything is going to be fine,” said Carey, host of the game show “The Price is Right.”
Wah-wah-wahhhhhh…get it? The referee is blind! That’s why he needs a seeing-eye dog! Isn’t it ridiculous that FIFA would employ a blind man to referee a World Cup soccer match? It’s redonkulous, that’s what it is, I tell ya!
Come on, Drew, even if I’m personally not a fan of your style, you’re still better than that. Pick it up, dude. If you don’t, before you know it, you’ll find yourself writing half-assed “jokes” on some crappy sports blog. I guess that would mean me and Drew would at least have something in common, which is good.
World Cup buzz: Carey provides comic relief [The Full 90]
Ladies and gentlemen, Landon Donovan has left the building!
No, the lone goal scorer for the U.S. World Cup team in their knockout round-clinching victory over Slovenia hasn’t quite reached folk hero status on par with the King of Rock & Roll (yet), but Graceland, Elvis Presley’s iconic home in Memphis will play a role in the celebration of the team’s victory.
Via a report from The Canadian Press:
Elvis Presley’s Graceland in Memphis will glow a bright red, white and blue in support of the U.S. football team competing at the World Cup.
The home will be illuminated in the lights beginning Thursday night.
Memphis area youth who play in the Mid South Futbol Club will flip a ceremonial switch in front of the home to light up the premises.
Graceland officials made the announcement Wednesday night. Presley lived at Graceland from 1957 until his death in 1977. It’s now a tourist attraction.
Really? It’s now a tourist attraction? When did this happen and why didn’t anyone tell me about this development?
Anyhoo, my ignorance of the fact that people actually travel to Graceland aside, it’s pretty cool what the caretakers of Graceland have decided to do to show their support and get the RV-traveling mongrels who grace Graceland’s graceful grounds day after day a little pumped up about the U.S.’s upcoming match with Ghana. But here’s a piece advice for the U.S. squad: don’t adhere Elvis’ dietary plan as they prepare for the match. Fried peanut butter, banana and barbiturate sandwiches aren’t good for anybody. Obviously.
Presley’s Graceland to support US World Cup soccer team with special lights [The Canadian Press]
With the days winding down until the contract the lovely Miss Erin Andrews has with ESPN expires on July 1st, there is sure to be much discussion on these here internets regarding whether or not the Sideline Princess will remain at the Worldwide Leader in Sports or if she will move on to greener pastures. Consider the Sportress of Blogitude your go-to site for any developments regarding Erin Andrews Contractgate, at least until I grow tired of it and move on to some other mindless pursuit, which could happen pretty much at any time.
Miss Andrews is currently in the fine city of Omaha, Nebraska to do her part for ESPN’s coverage of the College World Series. Unfortunately, Andrews is either unwilling or unable (nor is her agent) to discuss her contract status and its impending expiration. From the USA Today:
“I’m in a situation where I’m not talking to people about that,” Andrews said.
Andrews built her celebrity at ESPN and expanded upon it as a finalist on ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” this year. She said she hopes to stay involved in sports but also cross over more into other areas.
“I already have,” she said. “It used to be the guys just wanted to talk to me about sports. Now women know more about me because of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ and they want to ask me about ‘Max,’” she said, referring to her dance partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.
Ah yes, Maksim Whatshisnameskiy. Whatever, dude.
Alrighty, then. I guess this concludes Day 1 of the Sportress of Blogitude’s coverage of the Super Terrific Erin Andrews Expiring ESPN Contract Watch Happy Post thingamajig.
Jeez, I really thought this had the makings of a much more compelling feature. In fact, I’m already bored and have grown tired with the whole bit. Then again, it is getting pretty late in the morning and I haven’t taken Nap #2 yet, so I suppose that could be playing into it as well. So, um, how are things with you guys? Doing well? Anything new? Huh.
Stay tuned, I guess.
Andrews mum on whether CWS is her last ESPN gig [USA Today]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s Nobel Prize in Chemistry-winning morning link dump. It’s all just simple math to me. Send tips, links and reasons why you love the band Jawbreaker to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A 21-year-old man and his 17-year-old sister got into a brawl recently after she intended on putting butter in the macaroni and cheese they were making instead of margarine. The brother claimed his sister tried to cut his neck with the serrated edge of a spatula. I have to agree with the sister: no self-respecting cook would ever use margarine in any recipe when butter is available, and that’s a fact, Jack! [Yahoo!/AP]
• C-c-c-c-cat fight! Kobe Bryant’s wife reportedly hates Khloe Kardashian. Join the group, honey. [Out of Bounds]
• Odd combination: hot chick watching World Series of Poker while her slovenly boyfriend picks his nose. [Busted Coverage]
• Tiki Barber’s wife wants to get paid. I don’t blame her. That poor woman actually had to have sex with that dickbag. [With Leather]
• The top 10 benefits to the U.S. moving on in the World Cup. [Five Tool Tool]
• The 25 worst NBA Draft suits ever. Yowsers. [Guyism]
• To broaden your horizons, here are some NBA Draft-themed sports haikus. [You Been Blinded]
• The residents of Lincoln, Nebraska: HUGE fans of the World Cup. No, really. [Bob's Blitz]
• Holy crap, what is the deal with that match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut? I haven’t exercised in the past year as long as they have been playing. [The Sporting Blog]
• Meet Ron Artest’s shrink: Helen Mirren. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Hey look! Big Ben showed up at a kid’s football camp! [Mondesi's House]
• An oldie, but a goodie: Play Tiger Woods off, Keyboard Cat. [Waggle Room]
• Here’s more video of New York Giants players getting hit in the face with balls. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Toaster Really Hitting Its Stride Recently
Ladies and gentlemen (mostly the gentlemen), let me ask you this: what better way is there to commemorate the United States advancing to the knockout round of the World Cup than by objectifying comely Asian sexpots, specifically one wearing a painted-on U.S. World Cup Jersey? It’s a trick question, people. There isn’t one.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
You know, what the hell? How about – in the interest of global solidarity, of course – I throw in a couple other pics of Asian gals modeling other nation’s World Cup jerseys?
You’re welcome.
[H/T (with additional photos) Total Pro Sports]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• British journalist uses Clinton’s appearance at U.S.-Algeria match as a segue to a sex joke. Nice. [Out of Bounds]
• Video evidence documenting the pseudo-hooliganism has reached the States. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• Does Landon Donovan have a rock star doppelganger. [The Slanch Report]
• Holy headline alliteration, Batman! Well played, Mr. Iracane. [Walkoff Walk]
• Photos of Joe Morgan’s daughter in a bikini, anyone? Not half-bad. Not half-bad at all. [Busted Coverage]
• I mentioned yesterday how Chase Utley and Ryan Howard are going to be on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Here are photos of the cast rocking Phillies gear. [The700Level]
• Islanders general manager Garth Snow is back at his madcap shenanigans again. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Scott Stapp recorded a song for the Florida Marlins. The Florida Marlins handed out vuvuzelas to fans last weekend. These guys added vuvuzelas to Scott Stapp’s Florida Marlins’ song. [TAUNTR]
• Chris Carter says the only way to live your life is by not living your life. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Video of Tom Watson taking a potshot at NBC golf analyst Johnny Miller. [Waggle Room]
• Brutal dodgeball shot to the face? Brutal dodgeball shot to the face. [Total Pro Sports]
• Look out, residents of Toronto: Blue Menu is goin’ protesting at the G20 Summit! [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Increasing Number Of Americans Unable To Point Out Map
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From TAUNTR:
Tauntr.com presents its first in a series of sports documentaries, Philadelphia Fans: A Very Serious Documentary. In the short film, tauntr’s award-winning historians and directors take you back through some of the most egregious sports fan moments in Philadelphia history. From tales of tasing to prostitution for tickets, this documentary covers it all.
Brilliant. I heard Ken Burns saw this and was so mad he reigned furious blows down upon a tied-up, underage Thai hooker he had tied up in his cellar. Granted, Burns killed the preteen prostitute days before, but still.
Well done, gents.
For more internet hilarity on par with this bad boy, be sure to frequent TAUNTR.com.
Philadelphia Fans: A Very Serious Documentary [TAUNTR]
And when Ray Ratto takes a dump on something, he really takes a dump on something.
Even though it has been a mere hours since Landon Donovan kicked the U.S. World Cup team into a stratosphere it has rarely experienced in this country by scoring the lone goal – in extra time, no less – in an absolutely heart-stopping 1-0 victory over Algeria, Ray Ratto is sick and tired of all the damn celebrating. Put up or shut up, he says. In his mind, there is little cause for excitement, so all of you people who were thrilled by the outcome and jumped up and down and screamed and high-fived your co-workers or buddies and are dumb enough to be optimistic that the U.S. can somehow parlay their relative success in the group stage and make some noise in later rounds, Ray says give it a rest, ya morons: positivity is for suckers.
You see, just because the U.S. won the group they were supposed to, Ray isn’t impressed, because in his eyes, they didn’t do it well enough.
By beating Slovenia 1-0 in their final match in group play, England mercifully avoided causing panic on the streets of London, panic on the streets of Birmingham as they luckily advanced to the knockout stage over in South Africa. And if you ask coach Fabio Capello, there was perhaps but one reason for the team’s turnaround:
That magical elixir created out of the ingredients of malted barley, yeast and hops: beer. Is there anything it cannot do?
Via The Guardian:
Capello, whose discipline had been questioned in the last two weeks, said: “Yesterday evening they drank beer before the game. And I saw the team play with the spirit that we lost in the games we played before this game. The performance was really good and we created a lot of chances to score a second goal.”
I guess we can all learn a little something from this nifty little story. Apparently, the night before any important day in your life, whether it be your wedding, a big job interview or your DUI trial, it doesn’t hurt to loosen oneself up by tipping back a few cold ones. It has been the method to my madness well before this story emerged, and look how well it has paid off for me?
Actually, on second thought, perhaps it would be wise to simply leave the beer-swilling to the English. That whole country is populated with a bunch of damn drunks to begin with, so they’re used to it.
World Cup 2010: England spirit returns with a beer, reveals Fabio Capello [The Guardian]
England advances at World Cup, beats Slovenia 1-0 [AP]
Tommy and Benji go pee-pee like big boys now!
According to an incredibly relevant report in the Boston Herald, proud mommy Gisele told a Brazilian website that her and Tom’s progeny has already figured out potty training at the incredibly early age of 6-months old. Next up for Gisele: teaching Tom how to use a Flowbee to cut that ridiculous Justin Bieber hairstyle he has been sporting.
According to a translation of the Globo.com article, Benjamin – who was christened in California yesterday – does his thing like clockwork right after breast-feeding in the morning and afternoon. Leading us to wonder: Has Gi trained Benji or has Benji trained Gi?
But let’s go to the excited new mommy: “Give it about five minutes, and bang,” gushes Gi, whose twin sis, Patricia, is called in to inspect the potty deposit.
Gi ain’t the only one that is gushing, amirite? And he “does his thing” right after breast-feeding? There are so many ways to go with this one, I don’t even know where to start. Seriously though, thank goodness someone at the Herald was on top of this story. This is the sort of hard-hitting sports journalism Pro Football Talk won’t even touch.
Unfortunately, I had July 18th in the “When Will Tom Brady’s Kid Start Peeing In The Potty” office pool, so while I’m happy for Tom, Gisele and Benjamin (although I think this story is a bunch of bull crap – six months? No chance, man), I’m pretty pissed off right now. Get it? Pissed off? Fine, just go back to thinking about Gisele breast-feeding, you pervs.
(Thanks, Upstate Underdog)
Proud mom Gisele Bundchen says Ben already potty trained! [Boston Herald]
