Archive for June, 2010
That’s right, kiddos. Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger-Man is cutting out early today and making the trek to northern Wisconsin to take in a bit of fishing. I intend to battle one of the world’s most dangerous freshwater predators (of minnows): the Pomoxis nigromaculatus, otherwise known as the crappie.
So, wish me well, friends, both in fishing and in relaxing. And there might be a bit of drinking, too. We’ll have to see on that.
Have a great weekend. See you on Monday.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Charles Oakley got beat down in Vegas. [Out of Bounds]
• Lou Piniella ain’t afraid of no oil spill. [With Leather]
• Ken Griffey’s retirement, according to the one and only LSUfreek. [The Sporting Blog]
• Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce appear to have made peace. [Detroit4Lyfe]
• An Iron Chef wants LeBron to stay in Cleveland. [The Slanch Report]
• Pau Gasol is the face of Los Angeles. [TAUNTR]
• Boston fans don’t know their geography. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Ozzie Guillen tweeted his thoughts regarding Chicago’s loss in the Stanley Cup Finals and they were enlightening. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• An appearance by Tommy from Quinzee, anyone? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Zoinks, this guy who got busted humping a dog sure looks familiar. [Guyism]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Ant Colony Comes To Halt After Death Of Popular Worker
Send tips and other stuff to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
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The Blackhawks will make you jump! jump! (on the bandwagon)
Jump! Jump! (on the bandwagon)
“We Love The Hawks (?)” – what’s the deal with the question mark? (?) – I don’t know (?), Dog (?) – the latest atrocity in a long line of rapped odes to sports teams performed by pigmentally-challenged aspiring rappers, is brought to you by The Retar Crew (more like The Retard Crew, amirite?), featuring the mic skills of Johnny (Philly Flier) Iguana “on his huge organ” (natch) (?). And his crew is the realest…pile of crap.
Just. No.
And yes, I know it’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheeky, but it’s not. And could they at least tuck the wiring for the flat screen up behind the TV if they are not going to install it in a professional manner. It is so not dope-looking. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, homeslices.
[H/T Mouthpiece Blog]
Selig’s statement regarding last night’s Armando Galarraga-Jim Joyce debacle:
“First, on behalf of Major League Baseball, I congratulate Armando Galarraga on a remarkable pitching performance. All of us who love the game appreciate the historic nature of his effort last night.
“The dignity and class of the entire Detroit Tigers organization under such circumstances were truly admirable and embodied good sportsmanship of the highest order. Armando and Detroit manager Jim Leyland are to be commended for their handling of a very difficult situation. I also applaud the courage of umpire Jim Joyce to address this unfortunate situation honestly and directly. Jim’s candor illustrates why he has earned the respect of on-field personnel throughout his accomplished career in the Major Leagues since 1989.
“As Jim Joyce said in his postgame comments, there is no dispute that last night’s game should have ended differently. While the human element has always been an integral part of baseball, it is vital that mistakes on the field be addressed. Given last night’s call and other recent events, I will examine our umpiring system, the expanded use of instant replay and all other related features. Before I announce any decisions, I will consult with all appropriate parties, including our two unions and the Special Committee for On-Field Matters, which consists of field managers, general managers, club owners and presidents.”
Crap, is this statement had any less teeth…I don’t know, insert something Rick Reilly would write here.
Is there any possible way he could shrug off any more of the responsibility to, you know, perform his duties as commissioner? How about some more consulting, perhaps? Maybe the Oracle at Delphi? That monk dude from The Golden Child? Dr. Ruth Westheimer?
Way to stick your neck out on this one, Bud. Shoulda just called the game a tie, you gutless, spineless twerp.
Bud Selig statement on Jim Joyce controversy [SI]
And no, I am not referring to the ravishing Barbara Bel Geddes, the character actress who portrayed “Miss Ellie” Ewing on Dallas. That woman was the epitome of beauty, class and dignity right up until her death in 2005 – at which point she was still eminently boneable (amirite?) – at the age of 82 from lung cancer in 2005.
No, I am of course referring to Miss Ellie, the Chinese Crested Hairless dog who won the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog competition. Sorry to break the news, but Miss Ellie sadly passed away at the ripe old age of 17.
An obituary of sorts, courtesy of the Paw Print Post:
She starred in shows at the Comedy Barn in Pigeon Forge , Tenn., and also had a worldwide following. She appeared on The Animal Planet cable show “Dogs 101.”
Pigeon Forge Mayor Keith Whaley proclaimed Nov. 12 as “Miss Ellie Day” for her efforts to raise money for the local humane society. Over the years, Ellie helped raise more than $100,000 for the Sevier County Humane Society. She appears in this video supporting that cause.
According to this story in the Asheville, N.C.’s Citizen Times, Miss Ellie was rescued when she was 7 years old and brought to live with her owner, Dawn Goehring, and 13 other rescue dogs. In her final days, Miss Ellie was continually working on raising awareness and money for rescue animals. She was entered in the 2010 World’s Ugliest Dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, Calif., and had planned to travel to California next month to compete one more time.
It’s always refreshing to realize an ugly ass dog accomplished more with her life than you have with yours. Sigh.
Be that as it may, it has been a difficult week for celebrity deaths. First it was Gary Coleman, then Rue McClanahan shuffled off this mortal coil, now Miss Ellie? Who’s next? But now is not the time to worry about such trivial things – it is now Miss Ellie’s time to shine. Take it away, Christina Aguilera.
World’s ugliest dog passes away at 17 [Paw Print Post]
I’m not kidding. Seriously, whatever happened to that guy? Nikolai Volkoff was the best. In fact, I have been dying to hear the Soviet national anthem again ever since all that perestroika crap went down.
Clearly, Iron Sheik is prettay, prettay, prettay, prettay angry at umpire Jim Joyce. In fact, the sixty-seven (67!) year-old wrestler wants to f**k Joyce in the ass and make him humble. Truer words have never been idly threatened.
You know, the more I think about the ineptitude of Bud Selig in overseeing every controversy that arises in major league baseball, allow me to make this suggestion: a blue ribbon panel consisting of former WWF wrestlers should be formed immediately to preside over major league baseball. I hereby nominate Hacksaw Jim Duggan as chair of this learned and esteemed panel. Iron Sheik? He’s way too much into anal rape. Same goes for Hillbilly Jim. For obvious reasons.
[Thanks, Upstate Underdog]
With only days left until the 2010 World Cup, the excitement, mania, anticipation and some other descriptive word for the global event is running at an all-time high. How do I know this? First of all, because I am supremely intelligent and secondly, because I had to look no further than the absolutely adorable photo gallery The Telegraph has so graciously assembled depicting various species playing soccer!
Awwwww…
Anyhoo, I have compiled a few of my personal favorites for your perusal but there are plenty more where these came from, so feel free to hop on over here so you too can have your heart melt due to the unchecked adorability of the images documenting the magic, wonder and splendor of these delightful creatures captured before we completely eradicate them off the face of our planet. Stupid animals with their going extinct nonsense. Figure it out, ya dummies! Humans rule!
Animals playing football and other World Cup 2010 promotional stunts [The Telegraph]
Finally, a story with some legs that a hard-hitting sports journalist like myself can really sink my teeth into. Now that I have successfully mixed metaphors to a moronic degree, can we please move on to some substantial sports stories, the kind of muck which we low-bred sports bloggers enjoy rolling around in more than anything? At this point, the only blown call I care about is whether or not Khloe Kardashian has the mental capacity and dexterity to pee on a stick and understand how to properly read the results.
Why? Because she might be pregnant! OMG!
Her hubby, or beard ( is that what you call a man who marries a woman despite her relative unattractiveness to star in a half-assed reality show? Or would “Attention Gigolo” or “Dumb Bastard” or “Not Thinking Stuff Through Guy” be more appropriate?) Lakers forward Lamar Odom, had this to say regarding rumors that he and Khloe may one day bless our world with the unholy pitter-patter of babies uglier than sin (via ESPN Los Angeles):
“I can’t confirm that,” said Odom, smiling. “I don’t think so.”
The report, which first appeared Tuesday on Radar Online, stated Kardashian wanted to keep the announcement secret until it could be announced on their reality show, “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” Odom, however, said that wasn’t the case.
“She hasn’t told me if she was pregnant,” he said. “I probably would be the first to know.”
You would like to think so, but as pointed out above, that’s not how things happen in the reality show world of insipid fame mongering. Because if I learned one thing, the odds are that if Radar Online reported it, it has got to be true. But if the Odassians really want to hit the mother lode of publicity with this pregnancy, they need to spice it up a bit. Perhaps float rumors that its actually the love child of Tiger Woods who, as part of some community service arrangement, will have Lindsay Lohan as its nanny. Even better, throw in Liza Minnelli and that Surivior producer who allegedly murdered his wife as godparents and they would be on the front page of TMZ for at least a couple of hours.
Odom denies pregnancy reports [ESPN Los Angeles]
“I saw it all go down at Grenada!”
Please excuse my reference to the esteemed and egomaniacal (yet imaginary) super-journalist Wayne Gale from Natural Born Killers, but hoo boy, this is really getting out of hand now.
Yesterday, here at the Sportress, we regaled you with an amusing little yarn regarding how Visanthe Shiancoe escalated his Twitter war with Darren Sharper by likening the Saints safety to Osama bin Laden during target practice with the National Guard and then promptly shooting the crap out of said target.
As you can see above, Sharper didn’t take too kindly to getting compared to a terrorist. Wonder why. Further, Sharper’s subsequent tweets addressing the matter certainly will not help bring this situation under control.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s Lenin Prize-winning morning link dump, which is pretty cool since the award hasn’t been given out since 1990. Or is that bad? Huh. Anyhoo, send tips, links and communist propaganda to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com, comrades.
• A New Jersey high school student has admitted to pooping in a classmate’s soda can and then laughing it up after the poopeater took a sip and spit it out, much to the delight of everyone else in class. A charge of aggravated assault was dropped in exchange to a guilty plea of tampering with a food product. From the AP report: “A judge ordered the boy to serve probation, serve 200 hours of community service, write a letter to the victim to apologize — and to write a 1,000-word report on why it’s unhealthy to ingest fecal matter.” Ah, man – he has to write a report? That’s crappy! [Yahoo!/AP]
• England’s national soccer coach is watching you have sex. [Out of Bounds]
• Hoo boy, umpire Jim Joyce really screwed the pooch last night. What? You haven’t heard about it yet? Don’t you watch The Today Show? [Bob's Blitz]
• A fantastic breakdown of all that went down last night by Detroitians. Poor Armando Galarraga. [Detroit4Lyfe]
Nevertheless, Jim Leyland still doesn’t want instant replay in baseball. But he would like smoking back. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Jim Joyce throughout history. [Joe Sports Fan]
• The top 10 takeaways from Joyce blowing the call. [Five Toolt Tool]
• So long, Ken Griffey, Jr. [Big League Stew]
• And shame on you for stealing Galarraga’s spotlight! [Walkoff Walk]
• The agony and the ecstasy of overtime for the Philadelphia Flyers in their thrilling victory last night and how it is related to Jim Joyce blowing that call. Just kidding. [Puck Daddy]
• The 1/3 season All-Star team (selected by Jim Joyce). [More Hardball]
• Wayne Rooney really wanted that last Tiger Beer (after watching Jim Joyce blow that call). [Outside the Boxscore]
• 2K Sports has confirmed that Jordan is the cover boy on NBA 2K11. Not Jim Joyce? Huh. [FirstCuts]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Binge Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Indianapolis Colts kick returner washed dishes at a restaurant for free meals. [With Leather]
• One day, Jose Canseco would like to be the manager of a major league baseball team. That reminds me of Costanza! [Out of Bounds]
• Another humpday, another NSFWednesday from my boys at MYFO! [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Marlins are finally selling tickets, but not in the conventional way. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Baby Duane Parcells is coming to get ya! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Florida Marlins reliever has one bitchin’ mustache. [7th Inning Stache]
• What does the fact that The Big Lead was just sold for seven figures mean to average sports bloggers? Probably nothing, but we can all dream, right? No? [The Sporting Blog]
• Some superfan wore a jersey of the first base coach to Cardinals game. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Forget about Blogs with Balls, I want to go to Sites with Sacks! [Tirico Suave]
• General Tao pens a letter to J.J. Abrams. [Food Court Lunch]
• A xenophobe’s guide to the World Cup. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Networks Battling Until Last Minute Over Who Has To Air World Cup
Send tips, links and advice on how to tactfully fire my pedicurist to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Given that the former NHL great spent time playing for both the Chicago Blackhawks and Philadelphia Flyers during his playing days, to say that Jeremy Roenick is a bit stressed about the outcome of the Stanley Cup Finals would be an understatement. Thankfully, at the Chicago bar Stanley’s, they specialize in matters such as these as they have a live karaoke band who know how to bring tha funk. And by bring tha funk, I mean they can play “Funky Cold Medina” by Tone Loc.
Well done, Mr. Roenick. Well done.
[H/T Puck Daddy]
Just because the Flyers find themselves in an 0-2 hole against the Chicago Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup Finals as the series returns to the City of Brotherly Love wasn’t going to prevent Philadelphia-based Tastykake from creating the above culinary representation of Lord Stanley’s Cup out of sugar, flour, eggs, milk and miscellaneous additives and preservatives.
The confectionery creation was rolled out for display at Comcast Center earlier today and the ingredients which were used to construct this snack cake monstrosity (via The700Level) are as follows:
The Stanley CUPcake, constructed by Bredenbeck’s Bakery, will be made with over 1,000 pieces of cake, including Tastykake Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes, Butterscotch Krimpets, Chocolate Juniors, and Koffee Kake Juniors.
Sounds positively delectable, albeit high in fat and residual shame. And while I can understand why Tastykake could not manage to enlist the services of the official keeper of the real Cup, Phil Pritchard, I nevertheless question the wisdom in hiring Kirstie Alley to keep watch over it. That just seems like a disaster waiting to happen if you ask me.
Tastykake Creates Stanley Cupkake in Anticipation of Flyers’ Scoring Outburst [The700Level]
Uploaded by the primitive man himself – more accurately, by someone affiliated with his company, Jared Allen 69 Inc. (Jared’s uncivilized mind likely cannot quite grasp the concept of marketing and product licensing) – this Jared Allen t-shirt is ten kinds of awesome. While it does illustrate that Allen may not have fully evolved as much as his modern hominid counterparts, we all know due to his interest in killing animals that he is clearly a member of a primitive, yet capable, hunter-gatherer society. Which is good.
I’m no human evolution expert, but I would put Allen’s evolutionary development somewhere within the lineages of Homo neanderthalensis and Homo sapiens sapiens. Heh. Homo.
Now that Florida football head coach Urban Meyer has divulged that his chest pains were not from a heart condition but instead were the result of esophageal spasms, Gator Nation likely let out a collective sigh of relief.
Speaking at the SEC annual spring meetings Tuesday, Meyer had this to say about his health scare last December (via CBS Sports):
“The biggest thing is I wanted to find out what those darn chest pains were and I did,” Meyer said. “It’s esophageal spasms and they’ve got me on some medications. I’ve just got to be smarter in the future and I’m going to be. I’m not going to let that happen again.
“But the biggest thing was all that was related to what the heck were those pains going through my chest. Once you find out what it is, life gets a little better quickly.”
While I admire that Meyer’s health care providers are aggressively treating his condition with medication, perhaps instead of over-medicating (which seems to be a big problem in this society nowadays), perhaps a more holistic approach would have been the better course of treatment. That is, instead of treating the after-effects of his condition, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to take care of what was actually causing his esophageal spasms in the first place?
While I can only infer what exactly is the source of the problem, I have a pretty good guess what caused it. That is why I suggest Urban use the below product when he first feels a spasm coming on:
