Archive for May, 2010
Worst. Tiger. Woods. Headline. Ever.
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So. Played.
Ugh. That’s terrible. Shame on you, Canadian headline writer people. That’s the kind of headline my pun-tarded brain would come up with.
Tiger isn’t quite out of the Woods yet [Vancouver Sun]
There are probably few things more degrading for a major league pitcher than having your manager come out and take the ball away from you after a pitiful performance. Unless you are dealing with Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, then you might be looking at an entirely new level of humiliation – even if the pitcher didn’t have a particularly bad outing.
Freddy Garcia, after scattering 10 hits over six innings and surrendering only two earned runs during last night’s start against the Kansas City Royals, was in the process of getting yanked by Guillen but before he could leave the mound, Ozzie pulled out a wad of ABC (Already Been Chewed – remember that?) Big League Chew and promptly affixed the gum to the chest area of Garcia’s jersey. And this guy ended up with the win.
Jeez, Ozzie. That’s a bit much. I can only imagine what he would have done it Garcia actually had a real bad start. Maybe he would have stuck the gum right in his pitcher’s hair. That wouldn’t have been very nice, but I wouldn’t put it past that crazy bastard.
[H/T Mouthpiece Sports]
What a bunch of boobs, amirite? Why does there always have to be haters causing trouble for well-meaning eating establishments that just so happen to employ attractive, scantily-clad women serving chicken wings? An under-16 Australian rules football team in, coincidentally, Australia, have come under fire for entering into a sponsorship agreement with the local Hooters restaurant. Critics say it will corrupt the delicate minds of these teenage boys and negatively skew their perception of women. Damn buzzkill people.
What might have sent the reactionaries over the edge was when two scantily-clad Hooters gals cheered on the team, the Broadbeach Cats, during a tournament.
Said women’s advocate Melinda Tankard Reist (man, that name has “uppity bitch” written all over it):
“The message these boys are getting — and bear in mind we’re talking 15 and 16-year-old boys — is that … as a young footballer you have an entitlement to large-breasted women in skimpy outfits bouncing around at your games.”
No, they don’t have an entitlement. What they are learning is that getting women with self-esteem issues to do stuff like “bouncing around at your games” can be had for the right price.
Morney Schledusch, the owner of the Hooters in Mermaid Beach (sounds like a nice place, doesn’t it?) that sponsors the team, countered:
“Our waitresses represent the all-American cheerleader,” he told local media. “And no, they don’t all have big boobs.”
Wait. They don’t all have big boobs? The heck? Morney, what kind of Hooters franchise owner are you? I guess I’ll let is slide due to his great love of our wonderful country and its cheerleaders.
Team berated for Hooters sponsorship deal [Yahoo!/Reuters]
Mmmm-mmmm! Can’t you just smell the dehydrated onions? They’re fartingly delicious!
In a story from the “Who Are The Ad Wizards Who Came Up With This One?” department comes news that in honor of May being National Cheeseburger Month – no finer themed month on the calendar, I must say – White Castle will be selling a scented candle which smells just like one of their tasty gutbombs of slider deliciousness.
The Columbus, Ohio-based fast-food chain this week introduced candles that smell like its Slider burgers in a promotion with Autism Speaks. Proceeds from the sale of the $10 candles will benefit the New York-based charity.
The candles resemble a packaged White Castle burger and are being sold at the company’s restaurants and on its website. The wax is encased in a ceramic holder that looks like a Slider’s cardboard sleeve.
Well, it’s all for charity so that’s good. But I’m not too sure about buying one of these bad boys. I might eat the candle.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a sack of sliders. And maybe an order or two of chicken rings. I love chicken rings.
Candles offer a whiff of White Castle’s burgers [Yahoo!/AP]
Maybe now would be an appropriate time for everyone riding the Tim Tebow Bandwagon to take a deep breath, take a step back and slow down a little bit before the whole damn thing spirals out of control in a uncontrollable frenzy.
Not only was Tim Tebow’s Broncos No. 15 jersey the number one-selling jersey on the NFL’s website despite the fact that he wasn’t drafted until April 22nd, apparently there was already a poll conducted by ESPN to determine the best nickname to give the guy who hasn’t done jack squat yet but tell everyone how truly blessed he feels about every goddamn thing in his life.
The number one nickname according to a bunch of goofballs who participate in ESPN polls?
The Mile-High Messiah.
Yep. I reckon Tim Tebow would not appreciate the sacrilegious nature of the nickname, but there you go.
After the jump, the remaining nine Tim Tebow nicknames according to a nation of woodheads. Read More→
Personally, I would go with less shocked if the LT in question were Lily Tomlin. There was always something off about that broad. And we have all seen that outtake from the filming of I Heart Huckabees where she has a complete meltdown. I tell ya, that lady is a menace.
In all seriousness, this whole story ain’t good. Not good at all. That’s my preliminary insightful editorial comment on the story. Pretty good stuff, huh?
Lawrence Taylor Arrested After Rape Allegation [The New York Times]
‘How Soon Is Now’ For Milton Bradley?
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Outfielder Milton Bradley has asked for help from the Seattle Mariners in dealing with issues related to managing his stress, a problem which appeared to reach a boiling point earlier this week when he left the stadium during a game after getting benched in the 7th inning. Obviously, this isn’t the first time Bradley has had “issues,” but by asking for help, perhaps this could serve as a turning point in the mercurial ballplayer’s career.
But most of all, Milton Bradley wants everybody to know that he recognizes that the Mariners realize that he is, more than anything, a human being.
Bradley sent ESPN’s Colleen Dominguez a message saying, “Any reports that I said I’m packing up and leaving are 100 percent fabricated. … I’m with an organization of people that I trust have my best interest in mind and have never passed judgment. I’m a human being first to them.”
You shut your mouth. How can you say Milton’s gone about things the wrong way? He is human and he needs to be loved. Just like everybody else does.
Yes, I will use a reference to The Smiths every available opportunity and invoke my right to do so without guilt or shame. You know, instead of debating the merits of the musicianship of Morrissey and Johnny Marr and the appropriateness of the reference, maybe we should simply hope for the best for Milton Bradley. Although I am concerned he’s already waited too long, and all of his hope is gone.
You know what? Just to spite you naysayers, I uploaded “How Is Soon Is Now?” after the jump. That’ll teach you to question my authority!
Read More→
Ovie’s got nothin’ on this mutton!
D.C. Sports Bog has the details on this completely bizarre photo (summary: it was given to Ovechkin’s family as a gift), but more than anything, the photo amuses me without the need any context. It looks like an outtake from Borat, for crying out loud.
Alex Ovechkin with a sheep [D.C. Sports Bog]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. I hope everyone has sufficiently recovered from the drunken debauchery of their Cinco de Mayo celebrations. Myself? I’m still wearing my sombrero. Send tips, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Hasta luego.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try, try and then try 958 more times. A South Korean woman has finally passed her driver’s exam on the 690th attempt.69-year-old Cha Sa-soon finally passed the driving part of the exam on the 10th try last month, but she tried (and failed) to pass the written exam almost daily since April 2005 until she passed it last year. Good for her. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Tiger Woods is reportedly telling friends his marriage to Elin is all but over. That guy catches on fast. [Out of Bounds]
• The biggest Twitterer in baseball may not be who you thought it was. I sounded like Dennis Green there. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Erin Andrews is scared of birds. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Here are ten unwritten baseball rules you should know. I am pretty sure the 11th would be “never let ‘em see ya sweat” but that might just be a deodorant commercial. [Big League Stew]
• The Washington Redskins threatened to fire a cheerleader if her husband talked to ABC (not NBC, who is the media partner of the Redskins) about a reunion with her. Makes sense. [Busted Coverage]
• The players on the Boston Red Sox have interesting tastes in music. [Steady Burn]
• The Top 10 signs you are a hopeless homer. [Five Tool Tool]
• A Vancouver newspaper ran an ad warning local cabbies about Patrick Kane’s less-than-charitable behavior with them. [Puck Daddy]
• A couple of humorous parking signs from PGA Tour events. [Waggle Room]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With Bottle Of Bourbon Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Dear God. My old friend LeNoc has cooked up an extra special batch of NSFWednesday in honor of Cinco de Mayo featuring Scott Gomez. Hoo boy. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Bengals asked an NFL draft prospect if he was gay. Well, was he? [Out of Bounds]
• Great headline (Dan Snyder Could Take the Fun Out Of ‘Functional Alcoholic’) and even greater write-up. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• In the very first 24 hours of the contest, some guy from Alabama won a million bucks after pitching a perfect game on MLB 2K10. [FirstCuts]
• Getting all the memes about the Players out of the way in one fell swoop. [Waggle Room]
• Speaking of which, Tiger had a bit of the case of swamp ass during a practice round. Gross. [The Slanch Report]
• You can buy a pair of game-worn Chase Utley underwear if that sort of thing gets you off. Once again, gross. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The 20 most WTF sports couples. [Sports Pickle]
• You know that strong vagina lady? Of course you do. Here’s some more video of her performing vaginal feats of strength (SFW). [Total Pro Sports]
• The first two chapters of Chuck Palahniuk’s new book. Swet. [FilmDrunk]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: (Video) Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?
Send tips, links and submissions to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
By now I am sure you have read about the little snafu that occurred when Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cocks traveled to D.C. to be honored by senators at the Dirksen Senate Building and the U.S. Capitol for his 50-plus years in baseball. Yeah, they spelled his name “Cocks” on the cake.
Said Cox:
“I’m taken aback right now,” Cox said. “It’s so nice of them to do something like this. It’s a true honor. It hasn’t hit me what I have accomplished. Even the retirement won’t hit me until the last game or two. I’ll have a chance to reflect on it after I retire. It’s not just me. The Braves are a great organization.”
An honor indeed. One would suspect that those in charge would ensure that his named was spelled correctly on the damn cake. But I digress.
You see, this is where the story gets a little conspiratorial. Everyone is passing the buck about who was responsible for the gaffe. Jeff Schultz from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution tried getting to the bottom of the conspiracy by contacting a member of the staff of one of the senators who hosted the event, Johnny Isakson (R-Ga.)
The spokesperson’s story, what happened to the cake and an amusing video follow.
Some days I want to praise the gods above for the creation of Twitter. And other days, I want to curse the gods for my decision to follow Jenn Sterger. This is one of those days where my message to the gods falls in the latter category.
Thanks for the update, Jenn. And The Daily Line has already been moved to another time slot? It’s not on at 6:00 Eastern anymore? How long has that show been on Versus anyway? A month? Man, if you can’t hold down a time slot on friggin’ Versus, that could spell trouble.
But tell me more about your nap, Jenn. Did you rest well? Don’t tell me you drooled all over your pillow again! Oh dear!
Oh, I almost forgot. She uploaded a self-photo of herself rising from her pleasant slumber.
Hey, who hasn’t looked for some ass at one point or another, but this is ridiculous. First of all, the entire country of Germany needs a backup booty call butt right now? And just for the World Cup? Hasn’t the news of all the sex trade workers invading South Africa reached Deutschland?
Alright, alright. That’s enough. I see what really is going on here.
Heh. The guy’s name is Butt.
Yes, I lack sophistication and a mature sense of humor. But admit it, you laughed at it. And this time – for once – it wasn’t the nitrous oxide. Enough with the Hippie Crack, dude. You’ve had enough.
Germany to call up Butt for World Cup [USA Today]
Germany needs Butt as reserve [Toronto Sun]
That’s what you get for talking smack about America’s Favorite Dancing Queen/Part-Time Sideline Analyst Princess, you miserable hag!
For those of you catching up, on yesterday’s episode of The View, Hasselbeck, in her infinite wisdom and ethical superiority, cracked wise about Miss Andrews’ provocative choices in clothing, insinuating that the Peeping Erin could have saved jail time simply by watching Dancing With The Stars. Of course, she made a tearful apology on today’s show, claiming that she felt terrible about what she said after she explained it to her son.
Video of the mind-numbingly stupid critique and subsequent “heartfelt” apology after the jump, but here is what Hasselbeck the Shrew said about Erin on Tuesday’s show (via The Big Lead):
For the past like three weeks she’s been wearing like next to nothing … I think in light of what hapepned [sic] … and as inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room … in some way, if I’m him, I’m like, ‘man, I could have just waited 12 weeks (nervous laughter from crowd)’ … I could have seen this, a little bit less, without the prison time.
Hoo boy. If you think that’s bad, it’s even worse watching it.
Who needs induction into the Hall of Fame when you can get a fast food joint to name a burger after you?
That’s right, Twins broadcaster and all-around ragamuffin Bert Blyleven has partnered up with Minnesota Wendy’s franchises to sell the Bert Burger. Details regarding what exactly will go on the Bert Burger are sketchy right now, but Blyleven announced the partnership during last night’s Twins telecast and Pioneer Press columnist Charley Waters mentioned the new burger in a May 3rd column. Some of the proceeds from the sale of the burger will go towards Parkinson’s research, something Blyleven is very passionate about after losing his father to the disease.
Man, I wonder what will be on the burger. Given Bert’s taste for non-arthropod invertebrate animals (which he also did to raise money for Parkinson’s research), let’s hope Wendy’s doesn’t listen to any of his suggestions.
Charley Walters: Minnesota Twins’ farm system has good arms aplenty [Pioneer Press]
(previously at the Sportress: Bert Blyleven’s Got Worms)
