Archive for May, 2010
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Send tips, links, complaints, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Thanks.
• David Leroy Blurton of Colorado was convicted of illegal discharge of a firearm, “prohibited use of a weapon — drunk with a gun” and reckless endangerment after shooting himself in the groin. Blurton claims the gun went off while he was defending himself from a mugger but the court didn’t see it that way. Jeez, the guy just shot himself in the crotch, convicting him of a crime seems like overkill. [Yahoo!/AP]
• A very nice gallery of attractive college girls from ASU’s Undie Run. Yeah, like you’re not going to click through. [Bootlegger Sports]
• New England Patriots cheerleaders love their Tiger Woods sex doll. [Out of Bounds]
• This is one confused broad right here. [Total Pro Sports]
• WFAN’s Mike Francesca should be suspended for journalistic fraud due to his patently false comments regarding the Lawrence Taylor case. [Bob's Blitz]
• A Chick Hearn rap? A Chick Hearn rap. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Kyle Orton stands to be the big loser in Denver because of the Passion of the Tebow. [Second-String Fullback]
• CBS Sports.com was the big winner in the “Best Dallas Braden Perfect Game Headline Contest.” [Joe Sports Fan]
• One guy’s ranking of the 10 best stand-up comedians of all-time. Good stuff. [Guyism]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: (Video) Facebook. Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids
What? Everyone else on blog’s green earth did a post about Will Ferrell’s tomfoolery with the minor league ball club Round Rock Express last night, why can’t I? Although I cannot add more to what has already been written, I felt compelled to upload the above video out of a sense of duty and moral obligation to you, my dear readers. Plus it was all for charity and it doesn’t smell like Bigfoot’s dick.
Via Big League Stew (who also have a fan-shot video of the hilarity):
Summoned from the bullpen at the start of the sixth inning, Ferrell took the field as Billy Ray “Rojo” Johnson, a former Venezuelan pitching phenom who had just been released from jail for smuggling rare reptiles into the United States. His relief effort lasted just one brushback, but the whole bit featured a few more laughs than I expected. (I’ve embedded Ferrell’s whole appearance below and it closes with a pretty accurate reenactment of the Nolan Ryan-Robin Ventura headlock.)
Indeed. So there you have it. Now go back to your home on Whore Island. All of you.
Will Ferrell ejected from minor league debut after one pitch [Big League Stew]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Lame hockey bashing columns never die – they are simply recycled. Just ask Mike Freeman from CBS Sports. [Puck Daddy]
• NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman might be in a Winnipeg state of mind. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Bill Murray’s son is a Division 1 basketball coach? [The Dagger]
• The first Tiger Woods mistress porn movie is in the can, which, incidentally is also how Joslyn James takes it in the movie. [Out of Bounds]
• Punk kids are copying the whole Bible scripture crap Tim Tebow started. [Busted Coverage]
• Tony Kornheiser wasn’t wearing pants during a segment of Pardon the Interruption yesterday. I was watching it and it still haunts me. [You Been Blinded]
• The fellas at FHF are feeling pretty, prettay, prettay, prettay good right about now. [Four Habs Fans]
• A carreer retrospective (in pictures) of JaMarcus Russell. [Sports Pickle]
• Uh-oh. Look at what authorities discovered in the alleged Times Square bomber’s home. [The700Level]
• This gator has its eye on Phil Mickelson. Must be a breast gator. [Devil Ball Golf]
• One former major leaguer doesn’t agree with tasing fans. [Hardball Talk]
• The five most bloggable NBA photos from the internet age. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Hilarious photo of an old lady underwater skiing or something. [Total Pro Sports]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: No Parent Should Ever Have To Bury His Child Alive
Send tips and advice on what I should have for dinner to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Just hurry – I’m starving!
You know how every hole at Augusta National has its own botanical name, like Magnolia and Chinese Fir? Well, I’m not entirely sure where this particular hole is located, but if this course has names for each hole, I hope they refer to this one as Foreskin Fourteen.
Either way, I am sure it is looked at as the seminal hole of the entire course. And by the looks of it, there seems to be a problem with players prematurely ejaculating congratulatory cheers on approach shots that instead end up in the cum bunker.
Heh. Penis Hole.
[H/T With Leather]
…he gets older and they still share the same tastes in cheesy pop music. Alright, alright.
Much has been made about Tulowitzki’s choice of at-bat music: “Party In The USA” by Miley Cyrus, so the Rockies shortstop decided to clear the air as to why he has chosen that particular teenybopper song during an appearance on Darren Smith’s XXX Radio program in San Diego, and the reason, while likely innocent enough, didn’t quite come out that way.
Here’s how it went:
Troy Tulowitzki: “Say, man, you got any Miley Cyrus songs?”
Darren Smith: “No. Not on me, man.”
Troy Tulowitzki: “It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”
Nah, just kidding. But I had to at least throw in one last reference to the great movie character (and the last great role for Matthew McConaughey) David Wooderson, right?
Here’s what really went down (via Sports Radio Interviews):
On using Miley Cyrus as his at-bat music:
“Yeah. Without a doubt. I have a lot of high school girl fans if you will. For some reason, that’s my fan club out there in Denver. Why not please them with a little Miley Cyrus. I don’t mind it at all. You keep the fans happy and you don’t worry about yourself, the less boos you are going to get.”
Word to the wise: never say “why not please them” when referring to a bunch of teenage girls. It doesn’t paint an appropriate picture. The next thing you know Tulowitzki will go on record as saying he enjoys online chats and Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
For Troy Tulowitzki, It’s a “Party in the USA” [Sports Radio Interviews]
With the weather trending to the nasty side of terrible for most of the morning and afternoon today and a threat of snow in the forecast (yes, snow – that’s how we roll up here – like Eskimos), for the first time in nearly 30 years, a Minnesota Twins home game has been rained out. The Orioles and Twins will play a day-night doubleheader tomorrow to make it up.
You have no idea how happy this news makes me feel. After all this time, it feels like I live in a real baseball town now! With snow flurries in May!
Whee!
Another Target Field first — Twins-Orioles rained out [Star Tribune]
Anyone who has ever attended a PGA Tour event can attest to the fact that getting a good parking space can be a tremendous hassle. Well, two enterprising people decided to beat traffic and try some unorthodox methods to secure a prime parking spot.
Jacksonville residents William John Rinaldi and Brianna Lynn Borelli were minding their own business, sitting parked in their Pontiac G6 Coupe about 9:00 p.m. last night when some irritating guy started hassling them. Why? Because they were parked (with the engine running) on the green of the 8th hole on the Players Stadium Course. Can’t people get any privacy anymore?
The couple were doing God knows what when TomVlach, the superintendent of TPC Sawgrass, noticed something not quite right about the situation, mostly that an automobile sitting on a green on his precious golf course.
After Rinaldi refused to turn the motor off and get out of the car at Vlach’s request, he called 911. When sheriff’s deputies arrived, Rinaldi and Borelli were outside the vehicle. There was no damage to the green and Vlach declined to press charges as long as the two were issued a trespass warning.
Man, those two are damn lucky Vlach is such a nice guy. I’m just curious, though – it is not mentioned in the report, Rinaldi and Borelli had to be screwing in the car, right? Doing it for the sexual thrill is the only sensible explanation for someone to pull a stunt like this. Or they are just a couple of dumbass, white trash hicks from Jacksonville. That might explain it, too.
Updated: Man released after driving car on Stadium Course green [The Florida Times-Union]
Come on, in light of the entire Dez Bryant fiasco, that’s good stuff.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. Even if you happen to be a crack whore.
Happy Mother’s Day From Jeff Ireland [TAUNTR]
Bravely fighting off a flu-like bug, Alabama football head coach Nick Saban took some time while making an appearance in Nashville on his “Crimson Caravan” reality tour to offer his condolences to victims of the horrible flooding of the region.
You see, Saban knows what it’s like. He wasn’t born the Supreme Ruling Deity Of NCAA Football, he actually once was a little boy, and he grew up in an area that frequently flooded. Via The Tennessean:
“I grew up in an area where we had a flood every year,” said Saban, who is from Monongah, W.Va. “I have a tremendous amount of respect and certainly knowledge about people who have to live through floods and the damage of floods and the cleanup that goes on after the floods. Our house flooded every year when I was a kid. My dad’s service station, his restaurant, flooded every year.”
Saban briefly considered rescheduling the tour stop in light of the devastation the region is dealing with, but thought better of it. When all your earthly belongings have been destroyed and you find yourself without a home – at least one not sitting in ten feet of water – nothing will brighten your day more than a football coach from a rival school in another state.
“We actually offered to do this another time, but the people here thought it would be great to bring a little positive energy,” said Saban, donning a pinkish tie with tiny elephants. “To help their spirits a little bit.”
Well, that was nice. Nothing says solemn respect to victims of natural disasters than a novelty tie with elephants on it.
After his speech, those in attendance were instructed to feel free touch the hem of his garment. But not the tie. Don’t EVER touch Nick Saban’s tie.
Nick Saban sympathizes with Nashville flood victims [The Tennessean]
Jeez, talk about a company completely turning its back on the potential of an entirely new market of prospective customers.
TMZ reported earlier this morning that in light of his recent troubles involving 16-year-old girls, a pimp and a hotel room, Nutrisytem has dropped Lawrence Taylor as a spokesperson for their crappy-ass product. As you can see above, LT has been wiped clean from the company’s website and replaced by Canadian baseball-playing superstar Matt Stairs.
Matt Stairs?
TMZ spoke to a rep at the weight loss company, who told us, “We are shocked and saddened by these very serious allegations against Lawrence Taylor.”
The rep added, “Based on the severity of these allegations, Nutrisystem has made the decision to sever our relationship with Mr. Taylor effective immediately.”
Well, this development is but only a glimpse of what will surely become yet another epic downfall for the great linebacker, whether the allegations are accurate or not. But it troubles me to see Nutrisystem drop LT so quickly after standing by Chris Berman all this time after he went and brutally murdered that hobo*.
*may not have actually happened (really didn’t happen)
Nutrisystem Drops Lawrence Taylor [TMZ]
At least when compared to their more sophisticated, non-inebriated Yankees fans counterparts. Hey, it’s the friggin’ Wall Street Journal that arrived at this determination, people, not me.
The Wall Street Journal hired the polling firm Public Opinion Strategies to conduct a survey of 650 men and women from all five boroughs whose ultimate goal was to ascertain the differences between those people who claim to be Mets fans and those who claim to be Yankees fans.
While similar in many aspects across social, political and economic indicators, there was, however, one substantial difference between the two fanbases, at least within the male population:
But the biggest distinction of all had nothing to do with income, education or neighborhood. It wasn’t what they read or do for fun or prefer as a pet. It was their relationship with alcohol.
Male Mets fans were 43% more likely than Yankees fans to drink beer. They also drink more in general: the percentage of male Yankees fans who said they don’t drink was almost double that of their Mets counterparts (30% to 16%).
And that, my friends, is a scientific fact and we all know you can’t argue with science.
Another troubling finding, considering the Mets’ propensity for choking: more Mets male fans own a gun (11%) compared to Yankees fans (5%), a fact which is of great concern to Yankees backer Sal Richichi, 30, an electrician from Sheepshead Bay:
“Blame their team…I don’t think a Mets fan should be having a gun in the house.”
Well stated, Sal. I think we can all rally around that statement.
Yankees fans are from Mars… [The Wall Street Journal]
Just like in the movie Outbreak, when that monkey virus spread across America after that McWhatever dude from that hospital show sneaked an infected primate into the country, the contagious affliction which causes fans at baseball games to run out on the field is spreading, and if left unchecked, could very well destroy the baseball world as we know it. Authorities hoped they could isolate the Idiotic Fan Syndrome (or IFS, for short) to the Eastern seaboard, but it looks like it is about to run rampant right through Middle America.
Some might say the above statement is hyperbolic to which I would reply, “Stop making up words, dude.” Then I would say that this is rapidly developing into a real problem and will only become more virulent with each passing day and with each successive moron who foolhardily makes a break for it.
Last night, during the sixth inning of the White Sox-Blue Jays game at U.S. Cellular Field, some knucklehead afflicted with IFS dropped down onto the field and caused a minor ruckus. Ultimately, the individual was subdued after he was surrounded by six security guards and handcuffed. No tasering necessary.
Well done, U.S. Cellular Field security personnel. Now if you could only prevent bouts of Skanko-Roman wrestling from occurring in the bathrooms, you’d be hot to trot.
Fan subdued without Taser at U. S. Cellular Field [Chicago Breaking Sports]
White Sox Fans Be Bangin’ In Restroom [With Leather]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. It’s a rainy day up here in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Perfect blogging weather if there is such a thing. Alright, I’m babbling. Send tips, links and submissions to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A man named Lord Jesus Christ was hit by a car while crossing the street in Northampton, Mass. Christ, 50, is from Belchertown, which I assume is a very gassy city. Really, there are way too many ways to go with jokes about this one, so I’ll leave it alone. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Al Sharpton, rocking a Los Suns jersey. [Out of Bounds]
• The Arizona State Undie Run happened. [Busted Coverage]
• ESPN screwed up again. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• It’s KSK Sex/Fantasy Football mailbag time! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Dan Levy interviewed Will Leitch about his new book, Are We Winning? [The Sporting Blog]
• Tiger Woods actually golfed pretty well yesterday. [Wei Under Par]
• The Chicago-Vancouver mayoral bet regarding the outcome of the Blackhawks-Canucks series is super lame. [Puck Daddy]
• The top 10 takeaways from the most recent Milton Bradley mess. [Five Tool Tool]
• Cleveland broadcaster’s meltdown about the Indians is epic. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Holy crap. Ultimate nightmare fuel. [Bob's Blitz]
• Which sports biopic would you like to see Robert Downey, Jr. star in? [Steady Burn]
• Will JaMarcus Russell ever start another NFL game? [Larry Brown Sports]
• Will Ferrell might have pulled some pranks at a minor league ballpark last night. [Big League Stew]
• Five awesome fan reactions. [Uncoached]
• The six worst Christian bands of all time, and that’s really saying something. [Guyism]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: 20 Tips For Turning Ordinary Jell-O Into Jell-O With Cool Whip On It
How the mighty have fallen. One day, you find yourself on top of the world, co-hosting the upstart ESPN morning program Cold Pizza. Then, the network pulls the rug out from under you, changing the name of the show to ESPN First Take, sending you for a total loop. Embittered and frustrated, you reluctantly attend a roast of some douchebag colleagues, and the next thing you know, you’re getting pulled off the stage after ripping on Notre Dame while taking pulls of vodka straight off the bottle.
Now, Dana Jacobson, whose career was once so promising that Woody Paige actually passed on sexually harassing her has been reduced to interviewing the Vancouver Green Men, the die-hard Canucks fans who relentlessly taunt opposing players in the penalty box, much to the delight of everyone. Other than maybe the guys in the penalty box, I guess.
Video of the interview from yesterday’s edition of First Take (and perhaps yet another step towards the cliff for Jacobson’s career) after the jump.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Great stuff: LOLKentuckyDerby [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• JaMarcus Russell has been released by the Raiders (even if you don’t care about this waste of a number one overall draft pick, go check out Punte’s version of Russell – it’s hilarious). [With Leather]
• Revisiting the “Zambrano Mows My Lawn” t-shirt controversy one year later. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Dustin Pedroia provided us with the best quote of the year thus far in the MLB season. Lasers! [Out of Bounds]
• Bob Uecker and Joe Torre are texting each other. Next up: skateboarding. [Hardball Talk]
• General Tao provides details on this day in history. [Food Court Lunch]
• Headline writers in Pittsburgh might be in a bit of denial over the Ben Roethlisberger disaster. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• LSUfreek, Danny Ainge tossing towels and the Shamwow guy equals animated gif hilarity. [The Sporting Blog]
• The freaky faces of the NFL. Seriously, these are disturbing. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The hottest new shirt at Citizens Bank Park: “I Got Drunk, I Got High, I Got Tasered.” [Busted Coverage]
• The country of Sudan has opened up its first golf course. Next up: electricity. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Mike Francesca is a retard. Yes, we already knew that, but he confirmed it earlier today with his discussion of Lawrence Taylor. [Bob's Blitz]
• Rainn Wilson as a child is a sure-fire recipe for nightmare fuel. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Report: All The Good Stuff Costs, Like, 200 Bucks
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