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Soccer

World Cup’s Most Heinous, Ear-Splittingly Horrifying Threat Has Emerged

With the ominous threat of terrorism possibly rearing its ugly head during the upcoming World Cup, security officials in South Africa have their hands full. Not to mention the possibility of widespread, drunken, unprotected sex resulting in an epidemic of venereal diseases as well as other additional, miscellaneous calamities that could go wrong when an influx of eleventy million soccer-crazy fans descend upon South Africa, the situation could be dire. Now officials are under the gun to carefully examine and learn how to best deal with what could be the leveling boom (or honk) which could bring the entire World Cup crumbling to the ground:

Vuvuzelas.

While the name of the instrument may sound like it rhymes with a part of the female anatomy, FIFA refers to the vuvuzela as “a symbol of South Africa,” and explains it as “a vociferous air horn that reverberates around arenas with rare energy” and “a proud and permanent symbol of its patrons.”

Terrifying. And although FIFA President Sepp Blatter insisted the annoyances will not be banned, security officials the noise emitted from the horns could matters for security.

Via Reuters:

Asked about the vuvuzelas again Thursday, chief local organizer Danny Jordaan said the noise levels would be checked when South Africa play Colombia in a friendly World Cup warm up Thursday night at the 90,000-capacity Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg, when noise levels are likely to reach their peak.

“I think the stadium operations require sometimes the attention of the people in the stadium… for example, if there is an order to evacuate that stadium and an announcement is made, you have to ask yourself, will everyone in that stadium hear that evacuation order?” he said.

Despite making light of the situation, I can sympathize see how the somewhat obnoxious presence of the vuvuzelas could pose a problem. But as an American sports fan, I would just like to point out to South African security personnel that should just be grateful they haven’t figured out the ear-bleeding, head-splitting annoyance of when an entire stadium of mouthbreathers moronically start clanging freaking cowbells. God, screw those friggin’ things.

Are World Cup trumpets a safety risk? [Reuters]
Vuvuzela: a symbol of South Africa [FIFA]

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