Archive for May, 2010
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• You’re with me, Leather Chris Berman’s Walk of Fame Star. [Out of Bounds]
• What the stars would look like for the guys from Inside the NBA. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Shocking: Antoine Walker has filed for bankruptcy. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Yankees fan takes a bite out of reporter’s pork chop on the stick. What a rat bastard. [Larry Brown Sports]
• You know you are far too wasted to be at a baseball game when security has to roll your ass out in a wheelchair. [Busted Coverage]
• The Argentinean soccer team will be banging at the World Cup. [The Slanch Report]
• Michael Jordan will be the cover boy for NBA 2K11. [With Leather]
• Hey look! A douchebag Cardinals fan even other Cardinals fans hate. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Dice-K happily endorses the newest hot snack product: Home Plate Nibbles. [TAUNTR]
• Phillies fan goes on hunger strike. [Walkoff Walk]
• If you’re a hockey fan, you better watch the Stanley Cup Finals, jerky. [Puck Daddy]
• Jeez, it sounds like it sucks working for Vijay Singh. [Wei Under Par]
• Hot Wags gallery, anyone? [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Venus Williams: ‘I Only Wear Outfits My Dad Picks Out For Me’
Happy Memorial Day weekend, everybody. The Sportress will be back kicking ass and taking names on Tuesday. Be safe out there – a lot of kooks out on the road.
Don’t worry about it, Morgan. As a person ages, it is not uncommon for he or she to gradually lose complete control of their bodily functions.
On the other hand, maybe he was so wrapped up in the game he didn’t want to leave his seat. Oh, how I wish Morgan were here right now so he could narrate in that soothing voice of his what his thoughts were and make sense of it all. Sigh.
And yes, I am aware this is my second throwaway photo post in a row – it’s nearly Memorial Day weekend from crying out loud. And you guys should talk. Look at you – sitting there on your ass at work killing time by reading a half-assed, crappy sports blog, ya jerk.
The answer to that weaksauce pseudo-sexual musing would be an “of course not,” um, of course. Justin Morneau is a happily married man and we all know married professional athletes don’t dick around on their wives. Duh.
[H/T RandBall]
Pow! Right in the kisser! Pow! Right in the kisser! Pow! Right in the kisser!
No Churro for you!
I got nothing other than it’s funny because he got totally nailed with that foul ball with no one around him. It’s like the ball had some sort of on-board tracking system.
[H/T Nationals Enquirer (via D.C. Sports Bog)]
Let me put it to you this way: when those above four things mesh into one confusing promotion, stuff gets wacky.
Apparently, those unlucky souls across the pond have not yet had the pleasurable opportunity of seeing the brilliant film, The Tooth Fairy, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson…until now. The film is being released today nationwide in Britain, and in celebration of such a wonderful event, The Guardian, with the support of UK dental organization Denplan, has put together a nice little contest. Given the stereotype that the British take notoriously bad care of their teeth, I guess The Guardian considers The Tooth Fairy not only a delightful romp, but also a way to better educate its readers on proper dental hygiene.
Great idea, but I have to say that Hedley & Wyche (The British Toothpaste) really missed a great chance to expand its market reach.
Back to the contest (via The Guardian):
Denplan is celebrating the cinema release of Tooth Fairy by offering you the chance to win a fantastic ice hockey prize. The winner will receive four tickets to an Elite Ice Hockey League match*, two nights’ stay in two twin rooms at a local 4-star hotel including breakfast for a family of four, £100 towards travel and spending money, a black Xacti digital movie camera, two NHL hockey shirts for a team of the winner’s choice, and a 5′ air hockey table.
Two NHL shirts, an air hockey table AND breakfast? Where do I sign up? Oh, right down there at the bottom of the article. I see.
Win a fantastic ice hockey prize [The Guardian]
At last, a male columnist had the guts to stand up and say, “Enough is enough” and join his female brethren (sistren?) and condemn Erin Andrews and Danica Patrick for being attractive. The nerve of those broads.
Playing the role of Grand Inquisitor today is Fanhouse columnist David Whitley. In his column, the forebodingly titled, “Erin Andrews and Danica Patrick Have Serious Issues” (provactive!), Whitley takes these young ladies to task for having the audacity to capitalize and profit off their looks while not measuring up to his ideals of what a female sideline reporter and female race car driver should aspire to. Glad Whitley is around to pick up the slack for the drooling masses.
Let’s go Fire Joe Morgan on this sucker, how about it?
LMAO, indeed, Michael Strahan. Certainly not the biggest deal in the world – it was a relatively innocuous joke – but it got me thinking about other things that make me LMAO. For instance, when I first saw this hooker-rape joke hybrid myself, I realized I hadn’t laughed so hard since I saw Strahan’s hilarious Subway commercial with that Jared fella.
Or was it when I saw his Vaseline commercial where he jumps back in forth between rolled-up towels for his 15 minute full body workout?
Or instead, maybe it was when I realized that he could use a telephone pole as a toothpick.
Or could it be when his wife subtlety alleged that he was gay during their acrimonious divorce proceedings?
Or was it when I watched a marathon of his hit Fox comedy series Brothers?
Yeah, it was probably when I was watching Brothers. There are few things more hilarious than having your brain raped by cripple jokes.
#WaitWhat? Michael Strahan Laughs At A Rape Joke On Twitter [Sports Grid]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s Newberry Medal-winning morning link dump. You know, for kids! Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Jonathan Trappe of Raliegh, North Carolina recently crossed the English Channel while strapped into a chair attached to helium balloons. When asked why he did it, Trappe replied, “Didn’t you have this dream, grabbing on to a bunch of toy balloons and floating off? I think it’s something that’s shared across cultures and across borders — just this wonderful fantasy of grabbing on to toy balloons and floating into open space.” Can’t argue with the guy. Kudos. [Yahoo!/AP]
• David Beckham: armed and dangerous. And I’m not talking about his underwear ads. No homo. [Out of Bounds]
• Ron Artest hits game-winning basket, gets interviewed by Craig Sager. That’s a whole lot of crazy right there. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Chris Bosh explains sex, sort of. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Sacramento Kings fans write song to impress LeBron James. Not sure how well “The LeBron Song” is going to work, since it is based on “The Thong Song.” Yeesh. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• In other people with no lives wasting time, Los Angeles Clippers fans hold a parade for LeBron. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Suns coach Alvin Gentry got a little pukey last night. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Coming to TV this fall: Weeds: NBA Edition. [Tirico Suave]
• Organizers of the Indy 500 are bringing in big stars (Jack Nicholson) and big asses (Kim Kardashian) for the race. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• John Daly played a bogey-free round and is in the mix at Colonial… [Devil Ball Golf]
• …and his gal is clearly pretty pumped up about it. [Wei Under Par]
• The Michael Jordan statue in Chicago is wearing a Blackhawks jersey. [Mouthpiece Blog]
• NBA officiating signs are explained. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: President Obama Mentions He’d Like To See LeBron James In Chicago, Also That He’s Leader Of The Free World
Fly and be free, mulletized hair on the back of Jared Allen’s scalp, fly!
No one can hurt you now.
[H/T (and many thanks) TAUNTR (via Out of Bounds)]
(previously at the Sportress: NO!!! Jared Allen Cut Off His Mullet!)
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Officials at Major League Baseball will stop at nothing to wipe all images of Evan Longoria’s wang from teh internet, even if that means holding Longoria’s wang for ransom. Okay, I made the last part up. [Out of Bounds]
• Tiger Woods got cockblocked, y’all! [With Leather]
• Vince Vaughn is the celebrity mascot for the Chicago Blackhawks. But does he want to want to be the celebrity mascot for the Chicago Blackhawks? [Puck Daddy]
• Virgin Mary condoms and more play into the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Detroit Lions: still cheerleader-less. [Detroit4Lyfe]
• Here’s some wicked cool slo-mo video of a golf ball getting hit at 140 mph. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Let’s have some fun with Steve Phillips! [SimonOnSports]
• Here’s what it’s like to play golf with Dubya, without the cocaine. [Wei Under Par]
• Sharvarish and Mandeep discuss “Ball Busters” for SNY. Funny stuff. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Here is a fantastic and in-depth breakdown regarding the right way to heckle. Good job, guys. [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• Ozzie Guillen and Joe West star in 3:10 To Cleveland. [TAUNTR]
• An ode to the G20. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: BP Pledges To Continue Being Huge Profitable Corporation
Send tips, links and banana bread recipes to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Sure, the once burning bright stars of Adam Sandler and Kevin James may have dimmed just a tiny bit since the halcyon days of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (it was like Beatlemania, man), but that doesn’t mean they don’t pull out all the big stops when hitting the promotional trail to pimp their most recent masterpiece caught on celluloid, Grown Ups. It’s the usual routine: Letterman, Leno, Regis and that one anorexic broad who would be pretty hot if she ever would break 80 pounds again, Larry King, the Michigan International Speedway…
Wha?
That’s right, the best comedy duo since the Sklar Brothers are heading up Michigan way so they can be the grand marshals of the Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips 400 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race on June 13th. Via the Detroit Free Press:
“It’s exciting to return to Michigan to give the command and launch the film,” Sandler said in a released statement. “Last time I was there, we had the winning car for the movie ‘Click’ with Kasey Kahne, so hopefully, we will have the same luck with ‘Grown Ups.’”
Does he want the same luck with a race car or the box office success of Click? To be honest, I really can’t say one way or the other regarding that movie – I never saw it. Not even the presence of the criminally sexy Kate Beckinsale could convince me to ever watch it. What’s that? Christopher Walken was in that? Dammit!
And how about the name for the race? What in holy hell are Heluva Good Sour Cream Dips anyway? Were Sandler and James not big enough for the Kinda Sorta Alright But Pretty Bland Ranch Dunkers 250? Harsh.
Adam Sandler, Kevin James will be grand marshals at MIS [Detroit Free Press]
Although it hasn’t been the best kept secret in England and was considered merely a formality for some time now, Cheryl Cole has officially filed for divorce from her husband, Chelsea star Ashley Cole, who also happens to be on England’s national team. Can you say Miss Cole may have just committed World Cup sabotage?
Dramatic payoff (and more!) after the jump.
The end is nigh. Kill me now.
Even though the decline of Western Civilization has been going on for centuries, one does not have to look any further than the televised atrocity that is Jersey Shore. And this is coming from a person who has never seen one friggin’ second of that heaping mass of reality show afterbirth covered in hair gel and cocaine boogers.
In any event, here’s the scoop: the Omaha Royals, the Triple-A affiliate of the Kansas City Royals (I see they are as original in giving themselves a name as they are inept at coming up with promotions) have come with the worst. promotion. ever.
Yep, Jersey Shore Night.
Fans who come to the gate with a blowout or a Snooki-like “bump” hairdo get into the ballpark free of charge. Royals fans who bring a bottle of hair gel or a receipt showing they went tanning also get in to see the Royals play the Colorado Springs Sky Sox Thursday night without opening their wallets.
In between innings, a “fist-pump” cam will capture fans dancing to techno music. The team partnered with local gyms, tanning salons and laundromats to provide coupons so Nebraskans will be able to save a little cash next time they “GTL.”
As I mentioned above, I have never watched the show so I have no idea what any of that means, but it sounds ridiculous.
Ben Hemmen, promotions manager for the Omaha Royals, what say you?
“We have Big Lebowski and Jimmy Buffett coming up,” said Ben Hemmen, the team’s promotions manager. “We just did Wizard of Oz.”
I’ll give them credit for the Big Lebowski promotion and the Wizard of Oz – those aren’t bad. Crap, I’d even prefer to be forced to listen to a bunch of Omahamians bellowing out “Margaritaville” for nine grueling innings than see chicks dress up like Dookie or Pukie or whatever the hell that skank’s name is. Come on, Omaha Royals, look to your minor league cousin to the north, the St. Paul Saints, and see how they go about handling their promotions.
‘Jersey Shore Night’ with the minor-league Omaha Royals [New York Daily News]
I’m not sure what is more moronic: Fanhouse TV star Steve Phillips trying to explain his statement that he would trade Strasburg for Oswalt or me taking the time to embed the video on my well-respected sports blog. I guess it could be tie.
Here’s Fanhouse’s lead-in for the video:
FanHouse TV’s Steve Phillips turned some heads this week when he suggested the Nationals should listen if the Astros ask for Stephen Strasburg in a potential Roy Oswalt trade.
In this week’s Hot Corner, Phillips defends himself and explains why dealing an unproven commodity for an ace might not be a bad idea.
Hey, Hot Corner may stink, but it’s not as bad as Fanhouse’s Hot Carl starring Jay Mariotti.
/shudders
Oh, and if you somehow have not heard his original commentardery on the topic, just do a Google search for “Steve Phillips Moron,” “Steve Phillips Mouthbreather,” “Steve Phillips doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” pretty much anything like that will do. But be forewarned: there are about a million search results to sift through.
Also, it might be wise not to do a search for “Steve Phillips Fat Horny Interns Water Sports.” I’m not speaking from experience, mind you, but I can only imagine.
Steve Phillips’ Hot Corner: Explaining Strasburg for Oswalt [Fanhouse]
