Archive for April, 2010
And by “Twitter” I mean “Stick His Herpified Peter In” and by “You-Know-What”, I of course mean her old lady cooter. And by “herpified peter” I mean…
Ah, you guys get where I am going with it, so let’s move on.
Martha Stewart took in the Yankees’ matinee game against the Angels yesterday, and she took her Twitter to provide incredibly insightful observations regarding the game as the action took place in front of her. Technology, what can’t you do?
Clearly, the domestic goddess has taken a shine to Derek Jeter, as she let the cougar inside of her loose as she voyeuristically snapped photos of the Yankees shortstop and uploaded them to the ‘tubes via TwitPic. Oh Martha, you naughty, naughty beast!
Better yet, Stewart is getting the hang of utilizing all the wonders of new technology and even asked her followers to “digg” her tweet announcing her unholy lust for Jeter. And her hankering for Bronx Bomber dong didn’t end with Jeter. She also uploaded photos of A-Rod and…
…Keith Olbermann? Gross, Martha. That’s just nasty.
Martha Stewart tweets throughout Yankees home opener: ‘Derek looks really good’ [New York Daily News]
More Like ‘No Fan’ Yards, Amirite?
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(high fives self)
A paltry 9,129 fans bothered to show up Oriole Park at Camden Yards in Baltimore to watch the city’s once-beloved Orioles lose 5-1 to the Tampa Bay Rays, the first time a crowd numbered in only four figures in the ballpark’s 18-year history. Longtime Baltimore sportswriter Peter Schmuck cites many compelling reasons why the attendance at Orioles games has been precipitously dropping for years now, perhaps the most head-scratching of them all is how the Orioles charge more when purchasing tickets the same day of the game.
It’s also fair to ask whether the Orioles shot themselves in the foot with their new policy this year of charging more for game-day tickets to encourage fans to buy their seats in advance. [Orioles director of communications Greg] Bader does not believe, however, that the small turnout Monday night had anything to with the $1-$5 surcharge the Orioles have imposed on tickets that are sold on the day of the game.
“I do not,” he said Tuesday afternoon. “We had very large walk-up crowds on Saturday and Sunday. There have been no complaints from fans. We have been very clear to advertise it. And I think you’ll see a much larger walkup [Tuesday night] because it’s a bargain night and it’s a T-shirt night.”
There was a slight uptick in attendance for Tuesday’s game – 13,731 diehards showed up – but wow, how far the once-mighty have fallen. An Orioles ticket used to be the hottest ticket in town – other than a ticket for a bus out of town (bam!) – and now they can’t even give them away. And yeah, I can see how fans would be a bit discouraged that an impromptu visit to the ballpark to take in a game will cost them up to five extra bucks, thereby decreasing those who choose to attend.
Also, the Orioles suck balls.
That’s probably the biggest reason, right?
Record-low turnout shows just how far Orioles have fallen [The Baltimore Sun]
Jerry Jones Is Your Drunk Uncle
Posted by:Well, he’s almost exactly like your drunk uncle, except for that one time on Thanksgiving when he made you watch him pee. It’s okay. It’s not your fault.
This little nugget of viral video brilliance appears to be Double J slurring while shooting the shit with some guy in what sounds like some piano bar somewhere at some time. That’s the kind of details you come to the Sportress for, right? Right.
Via Deadspin, below is a transcript of the drunken tête-à-tête for the video-playing-at-work-challenged:
Jerry Jones: Romo was a miracle.
Other guy: It was a miracle, wasn’t it?
JJ: He almost never got in, and he almost was gone. Tebow would never…
Different other guy: What if you were the Jaguars or — would you just, just draft him and sell fucking jerseys?
JJ: That’s the only reason I brought in Bill Parcells.
[Laughter]
JJ: [Inaudible. Sounds a little like, "Sell mammoth fuckin' rake," whatever that means.]
JJ: Bill’s not worth a shit. I love him.
Different other guy: I know you do.
JJ: Not worth a shit, but I wanted — they were on my ass so bad. J’s gotta have a yes man. So to get this fuckin’ stadium, I need to bring his ass in.
Different other guy: What, you, you wouldn’t take Tebow in the third round?
JJ: Why? He’d never get on the field. I can’t get him out there.
[Laughter]
JJ: I can’t get him out there.
Fantastic. I eagerly wait for the semi-heartelt but completely sarcastic apology from the Cowboys owner. Hey, if New York Jets coach Rex Ryan had to apologize for giving a bunch of mouth-breathing MMA rubes the finger, Herr Goodell, likely against his wishes, will have to coerce Jones into some kind of mea culpa.
Slurring Jerry Jones Bad-Mouths Bill Parcells, Tim Tebow [Deadspin]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Today will be the last day of late starts due to my morning shift over at With Leather. I’d like to thank Josh (a/k/a Punte) for the wonderful opportunity. I had a blast. Send tips to weeedgainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Jimmy Graham Jr., a 30-year-old man from East Tennessee (where else?) has been arrested and charged with DUI after Athens police pulled him over and he failed a field sobriety test. But more heinous than that is he has also been charged with stealing another man’s fishing poles. Isn’t anything sacred in this messed-up world? [MSNBC/AP]
• Good bye, Big Ben beef jerky. [The Sporting Blog]
• Tiger Woods will miss his daughter’s 3rd birthday by playing in the U.S. Open. I’m sure the $100,000 worth of “guilt” presents will more than make up for his absence. [Trailing Tiger]
• When the interests of nerds and sports fans collide: Slave Princess Leia dancing cheerleaders. [Out of Bounds]
• The 11 worst athletes turned actors in sports history. [Street Level]
• Citi Field’s new bar is for winners only, I guess. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• MYFO continues their whimsical playoff previews. Today: Coyotes-Red Wings. [Melt Your Face Off]
• KSK’s Better Know A Draft Pick feature sets its sights on Dez Bryant. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Today in 1941, Pete Rose was born and bowl cuts would never be the same from that point forward. [Joe Sports Fan]
• A simulation of the NHL playoffs by EA Sports has the Chicago Blackhawks winning it all. To be fair, somebody created an NHL 94 version of Jeremy Roenick. [Puck Daddy]
• Twenty statements from bar skanks that could land Ben Roethlisberger in even deeper trouble. [Guyism]
• Ten takeaways from ESPN’s Allen Iverson documentary. [Five Tool Tool]
• A gallery of ten bad ass foosball tables. I want all of them. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: (Audio) Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room
Guh. Here, just read the article yourself if you’re interested. I’m too busy dreaming of the day when medical marijuana dispensaries are on every street corner. Won’t that be a glorious, perma-grin world to live in?
…
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Oh, you’re still here? Apologies.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Wysh does the Lord’s work, compiles the Top 10 hockey fights of the season. [Puck Daddy]
• My favorite: FCL finishes the headline. [Food Court Lunch]
• Worst. Nike. Ad. Ever. (hint: it’s for Duke) [The Dagger]
• Hugh Hefner discusses Tiger Woods, says sex addiction is a “cop out.” [Out of Bounds]
• More animated gif magic from LSUfreek. [The Sporting Blog]
• The Blame Game is underway in Tampa. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Detailing the many voices of the “It’s In The Hole” guy you hear at golf tournaments. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Sweet! A Buffalo Sabres commemorative dagger! [FirstCuts]
• Title of post: “The Best Triple Between The Legs Dunk Off A Trampoline During Halftime Of An NBA Game Dunk You’ll See All Day.” And you know what? It’s true. [Tirico Suave]
• Some Phillies skank gave a guy in a scooter a lap dance. [Busted Coverage]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Cool Dentist Doesn’t Give A Shit About Patients’ Flossing
Got a tip for ol’ Weed? If you do, I gotta minute. Get it? The post title? Nevermind. Send said tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
The horror…the horror.
Rumors have circulated for years regarding not only the sexual orientation of the Phillie Phanatic , but also its gender. Fear not, true believers, it appears those reports that the Phanatic may have a little “more than meets the eye,” so to speak, can finally be confirmed after he/she dressed up as Lady Gaga on Monday and danced to her mega-hit, “Bad Romance.”
Video after the jump.
Tragedy struck Tuesday morning in Manhattan when a 39-year-old man plunged to his death by jumping off the 42nd floor off the Le Parker Meridien, the hotel where the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim were staying. The incident occurred as the Angels players were preparing to travel to Yankee Stadium and many of the players saw the grisly aftermath, including pitcher Jared Weaver, who according to fellow pitcher Matt Palmer, saw the man “splat.”
Via the New York Daily News:
“Weaver actually saw him splat,” Palmer said. “I felt kind of sick to my stomach…It’s hard to see something like that and hard to take it.”
Yowsers. What a horrible ordeal. Thankfully, manager Mike Scioscia provided the much-needed perspective.
“It’s obviously traumatic when you witness something like that, but these guys understand the privilege of playing baseball.
“I don’t know anything about the guy falling down, but something was troubling him.”
Jeez, Mike, ya think?
All kidding aside, years ago, I worked in downtown Minneapolis at one of the skyscrapers (really, we seriously have tall buildings here) and some guy broke into an office on one of the upper floors, threw a chair through a window which overlooked the plaza of the building and jumped. I didn’t actually see it happen, but a co-worker of mine did and said the guy didn’t have a head after impact. That ain’t good.
Angels head for Yankee Opening Day game, watch in horror as man leaps to death from hotel roof [New York Daily News]
When a breaking news story is out there for the taking, ESPN’s Rachel Nichols reaches out, seductively caresses it with her milky-white, smooth hands…and…um…
Whoa. Sorry about that. Redheads, people.
Anyhoo, as you can plainly read in the above tweet from Miss Nichols (via Mondesi’s House), Nichols is comfortably on top, straddling the Roethlisberger story. Not only is she reporting that Big Ben just entered his meeting with Roger Goodell, she also has the most relevant scoop of the day regarding the Steelers quarterback: he got a haircut.
(breaks into song)
“Ben, why you go and cut your hair
Do you think it’s gonna make Rog change?
“You’re just a boy with a new haircut
And that’s a pretty nice haircut…”
Pavement, ladies and gentlemen! A great big round of applause!
Moving on with the story, what’s even better about Nichols intrepid, sexy Twitter reporting is that she next went into detail about the cut – was it a crew cut? A spike job? A bouffant pompadour? A Morrissey-inspired style?
Seriously man, what possessed Ben Roethlisberger to show up to make his “apology” looking like that? He resembles that guy who dropped out of community college after a year and hangs out in the liquor store parking lot waiting to hear about the next high school beer bust. He’ll buy if you fly, dude.
At least get a goddamn haircut and bust out the Schick Quattro, Ben. You look like a friggin’ tool, man. One rogue gust of wind and Roethlisberger could probably end up with a hairstyle that would make Ernie McCracken jealous.
If you’re interested, video as well as text of Big Ern’s – er, Big Ben’s statement – after the jump.
Jim Nantz absolutely unloaded on Tiger Woods yesterfday for his behavior during the Masters over the weekend, when microphones picked up Tiger using salty language more than once. In an interview with WFAN’s Mike Francesca, the CBS lead announcer state that if he had said what Tiger was caught saying, he would “be fired.” While true, I question the point and relevance of that statement, since Tiger isn’t employed by CBS so I don’t necessarily see how anyone could technically “fire” Tiger for his antics.
Nantz didn’t stop there, he eschewed his smarmy “Hello, friends” demeanor and unleashed an onslaught of shame on you’s upon Woods. Via FanHouse:
“Guess what? Phil Mickelson had a camera in his face all weekend,” said Nantz. “Did you ever hear him come close to approaching that? He didn’t hit every shot exactly the way he wanted. Have you ever heard Arnold Palmer or Jack Nicklaus use that kind of language?”
“I can’t say anything I want when I’m on a live broadcast,” said Nantz. “Tiger’s not the only guy who’s got a camera in his face all day long. But he is the only one in the field who said he wasn’t going to do that any more.”
The normally placid Nantz allowed his voice to rise during a four-minute segment of his chat with Francesa as he chastised Woods for uttering vulgarities within the hearing of the gallery.
“Moreover, how about the father and son who are standing right there by the tee?” said Nantz. “How about the hundreds of people who are around that tee who hear that? How about the hundreds of letters I’ve gotten through the years from people who have been outraged at the language they’ve heard there and have written me and said, ‘Why don’t you guys ever say something about that?’ “
I do not mean to belabor the point, but why is Nantz so upset by the fact that he is not allowed to talk like Tiger while broadcasting? Is it just me, or does anyone else get the impression that Nantz secretly craves to drop a bunch of F-bombs while on the air?
Further, although Nantz never mentions Tiger’s infidelity, his crusade against Tiger smacks of guilt-ridden passive-aggressiveness, given Nantz was once caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. Nantz admitted during his divorce trial that he had been carrying on a relationship with a 29-year-old woman prior to the commencement of the divorce proceeding. There is no better way for a person to distance themselves from shameless acts they have previously committed than by condemning the untoward behavior of another person caught doing the same thing.
Somewhat well played by Nantz, but everyone knows what kind of crap he is trying to pull here, and no one should bother buying this load of sanctimonious bullshit.
CBS’ Jim Nantz Chastises Tiger for Behavior at Augusta [FanHouse]
Jim Nantz Tears Up in Court During Divorce Trial, Reveals He Has a 29-year-old Girlfriend [The Big Lead]
(previously at the Sportress: Jim Nantz Is Wondering If Anyone Would Like To Marry His Ex-Wife – Like Today)
His proctologist probably doesn’t recommend it, but Chicago White Sox television broadcaster Ken “Hawk” Harrelson essentially admitted to engaging in the bizarre act of shoving golf tees up his ass. During last night’s broadcast of the Sox-Blue Jays game, Harrelson eloquently stated that “You couldn’t pull a greased tee out of my behind with a pair of pliers.”
Say what? I am going with the assumption that Harrelson was trying to articulate that the game was pretty tense, but I have never heard that line before in my life, which leads me to believe Hawk must have first-hand knowledge of how difficult it can be to extract a golf tee out of one’s anus, whether it is “greased” or not. He claims to need a pliers, for crying out loud, and even utilizing that tool might not to the trick.
Of course, Hawk’s aforementioned butt doctor would have probably used forceps as opposed to pliers. I only wonder if to lighten the mood, the proctologist would have borrowed one of Hawk’s sayings and yelled, “It gone!” when the procedure was complete.
And you can put that on the board….YES!
[H/T Mouthpiece Blog]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Apologies once again for the late start, as I just completed the early shift at With Leather. I suppose you could say I’m kind of like that Fred the Baker guy from the old Dunkin’ Donuts commercials, except for Fred’s rampant pedophilia. So I’ve heard. Send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A man has been charged with drunk driving after smashing into the car driven by a judge who spared him jail time in a 1998 drunk driving case. The judge, 86, and his wife, 82, were both injured in the crash. I suppose the judge has now learned the mercy is for the weak, or at the very least, look out for wasted habitual drunk drivers. Or something. [MSNBC/AP]
• A kindergarten classmate of Tiger Woods has now surfaced who also refutes the golfer’s story about experiencing racism. They are like maggots, these people. [Out of Bounds]
• You can buy the jumpsuit thingy that Tiger caddy Steve Williams wore when Woods won the 2005 Masters for only $3,200. [FirstCuts]
• Country singer Jessie James is Reggie Bush’s new girlfriend. Damn, that guy can pull some nice tail. He must have a good personality or something. [Busted Coverage]
• Apparently, used hockey jerseys are big in Liberia. [The Sporting Blog]
• The 10 silliest pro wrestling characters of all-time. [Guyism]
• The Phoenix Coyotes fan-inspired “Throw the Snake” movement is gaining momentum. [Puck Daddy]
• “Evil Parallel Universe” reacts to the news that Ben Roethlisberger will not be charged. [Kissing Suzy Kolber ]
• You better apologize to Ben Roethlisberger, if you know what’s good for ya, at least according to a writer from the Beaver County Times. [Second-String Fullback]
• The Top 10 reasons Santonio Holmes was traded by the Steelers. [Five Tool Tool]
• Recommended playoff beard etiquette courtesy of LBS. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Why is Shaq singing Rick James song in a wig? [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah
Who are the geniuses who came up with this one? Oh yeah, it was the folks over at SB Nation.
What happens when you get eight out-of-shape bloggers together and have them compete in Olympics-styled events (and bar games)? Well, I don’t know what you get exactly, but it’s entertaining to watch.
A brief explanation of what was behind the idea of a Blogger Olympics.
The First (and Potentially) Annual SBNation.com Blogger Olympics took place in Washington, DC this past Thursday and Friday, and if you didn’t watch the videos below that’s perfectly acceptable. There were no sponsors, no bright lights, and cringe-inducing profile pieces about the athletes.
We did have one thing, however: tales of epic heroism, and a new understanding for how (relatively speaking) unfit the common man is for the field of athletic endeavor combined with an appreciation for the little skill we do have. We also had one minor injury, which is a fairly solid result for a group of people who spend that much time behind a computer.
If this ends up an annual thing, I am so going to see if I can enter the competition. Because I love to be publicly humiliated, you see. It’s starting to become a problem, actually.
Below are the competitors who took part in the events last Thursday and Friday:
- Spencer Hall, Every Day Should Be Saturday and SBNation.com contributor.
- Chris Mottram, Senior Editor of SBNation.com
- Andrew Sharp, Editor of SBNation.com
- Chris Haines, Community Manager of SB Nation.
- Matt O’Brien, Editor of SBNation.com.
- Michael Prada, Bullets Forever and SBNation.com editor.
- Michael Tunison aka Christmas Ape, Kissing Suzy Kolber and The Sporting Blog.
- Ryan Hudson, Evening Editor of SBNation.com
And below are the “Bar Events” they competed in (video above):
- Shuffleboard Tournament. Like curling without the brooms. And Ice. (Winners: Team of Mottram and Haines)
- Beer chug. One 16 ounce beer of your choice, consumed as quickly as possible. (Winner: Spencer Hall)
- Pool tournament (Winner: Chris Mottram)
- Darts (Winner: Chris Haines)
Fantastic stuff. The bloggers also competed in physical challenges (e.g. 1-mile run, bench press, etc). The embarrassing video can be found here. Be sure to check it out. It is truly a sight to behold.
SB Nation Blogger Olympics: Physical Fitness Only Slightly Oxymoronic [SB Nation]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Will Ape Boxing in Thailand ever get the respect it deserves? Most people say, “No, no it won’t.” [With Leather]
• I’m glad someone else brought this up: what was the deal with Ryan Moore and that goofy tie he was wearing during the Masters? What a dweeb. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Sure, Roethlisberger won’t be charged with sexual assault, but the good times might still be just beginning for him. [Shutdown Corner]
• My buddy Hextall454 recounts his experience of watching his beloved Flyers clinch a playoff spot on the last day of the season. [Melt Your Face Off]
• And so it begins: Tiger Woods Toothgate. [Out of Bounds]
• Florida head coach Urban Meyer goes where he wants when he wants. [The Big Lead]
• Peter King actually typed the word “redonkulous.” And that’s not ever the worst part of his column. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• An unbiased review of what watching the Masters in 3D was like. [FirstCuts]
• Barry Bonds opens up to reporter. [Walkoff Walk]
• James Madison University had a party this weekend. Things got a little out of control . [Busted Coverage]
• Sexy clips from Brazilian games shows and talk shows. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: NASCAR’s Drive For Diversity Program Successfully Hidden From Fans
