Archive for April, 2010
Hairy pits, to be exact. Sweet mercy, that is whole eyeful of nightmare fuel right there. I don’t mean to be crass (okay I do), but my balls just crawled up inside my body cavity for safety.
Who knows? Maybe she’s French or something. Either way, lady, you might want to reconsider raising your hands because you sure as shit ain’t Sure.
Pleasant dreams, kiddies.
[H/T Joe Sports Fan]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• The 96-team NCAA bracket just might destroy life as we know it. [The Sporting Blog]
• MYFO has been cranking out playoff previews like nobody’s business. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The chicks flock to Wrigley to check out 40-year-old dudes with their shirts off. Wait, what? [Mouthpiece Blog]
• There’s Something About A-Rod. [With Leather]
• Kid dancing at a Phillies spring training game had some killer dance moves. Rock on with your bad self, little fella. [Busted Coverage]
• Cristiano Rinaldo digs fat chicks. [Sports Crackle Pop]
• Three-year-old snowboarding can totally shred, dude.Righteous. [Out of Bounds]
• A review of the Jared Allen iPhone app, because who doesn’t need a Jared Allen iPhone app? [FirstCuts]
• The Nats announcers are already disgusted by what they have been witnessing on the field this season. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• An awesome billboard located outside of Tallahassee making fun of FSU’s ineptitude against Florida recently. [EDSBS]
• What the Masters would have sounded like is Gus Johnson would have broadcasted them. [Waggle Room]
• It’s time for another educational edition of KSK’s sex/Fantasy Football mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Most Men Are Too Intimidated To Date A Successful, Educated Gorgon
Send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. All the cool kids are doing it.
Any time Jemele Hill writes a column that doesn’t reference Hitler or suggests on air that Green Bay Packers fans throw batteries at Brett Favre, I am sure ESPN considers it small victory. Upon first glance at Hill’s column, “Tiger Woods as villain? It’d work!”, I hoped it would be a tongue-in-cheek-ian dissertation making light of Tiger’s precipitous drop from the high regard most people used to feel towards him, but I really believe she’s dead serious in her argument. And to me, that’s borderline ricockulous.
The next time Tiger Woods plays on the PGA Tour, he should show up in black clothes and dark sunglasses. Steve Williams, his caddie, should carry a golf bag that has a scarlet “X” stitched on it.
Tiger should curse on the golf course enough to make Redd Foxx blush. He should put a Perkins restaurant sticker on his bag. He should throw his clubs like a javelin when he misses an easy putt. He should text-message in between shots. If a reporter asks him about his emotional state, Tiger should channel Bobby Knight and make a bunch of ridiculously juvenile faces.
Tiger should become a bad guy. He should be golf’s version of the WWE’s Triple H.
Well, Tiger was probably already taking those steroids he was supplied by that Canuckistani doctor, so he’s halfway there, right? Let us just pray that if Tiger decides to go the WWE route and become PGA Tour Enemy Number One, he doesn’t take it too far and go into full-on roid-rage mode, a la the Ultimate Warrior, and suggest that Phil Mickelson do himself in. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good for anyone.
Tiger Woods as villain? It’d work! [ESPN]
ESPN Suspends Jemele Hill for Hitler Reference [BumpShack]
Ultimate Warrior: Hulk Should Do Himself In [TMZ]
(previously at the Sportress: Whipping Up A Fury, Dominating Flurry, Jemele Hill Creates The Battery?)
I don’t know about anyone else, but I just got myself a hankering for some Doublemint gum.
The gods have smiled upon today, my friends, as this week’s edition of S.I. Cheerleader of the Week features Michelle and Alexandra Montesino, lovely twin lasses shaking their asses and attending classes at Florida International University. Wunderbar! Or, in honor of the Montesino’s Cuban heritage, très bien!
This is the second occasion since I have been profiling obsessing over S.I.’s college cheerleader profiles that FIU has been featured. You may recall the busty Vanessa Marrero from last October. If not, you should definitely re-familiarize yourself with her here.
After the jump, a considerable photo gallery for your viewing, er, pleasure and a few tidbits about Michelle and Alexandra that reveal they are much more than twins in appearance.
Among several rules changes for next season, the NCAA has decreed that players will not be allowed to display messages on their eye black anymore, waiting just long enough to enact the rule that should have been enforced for years now.
What a miraculous bit of timing by the NCAA – a blessing really, to borrow a term Tebow frequently employs ad nauseum – waiting to ban eye black messages until Tebow moved on to the pro ranks. I suppose it was in the NCAA’s best interest to delay the banning, lest they upset the devout followers of Tebowanity, and we all know that’s never a good idea. My only question is how are Florida fans going to know what Bible verse to read every Saturday without Tebow spreading the Good Word to them? Ah, who am I kidding? Florida fans can’t read anyway.
NCAA bans wedge blocks, eye black with messages [AP]
(previously at the Sportress: It’s A Blessing To Know That Tim Tebow Feels So Blessed)
Look, guys! Sluts!
Hockey coaches – as well as players – are a suspicious lot, especially when it comes to preparation and routines during the playoffs. As the Canucks begin their first round series with the Los Angeles Kings tonight, Vancouver head coach Alain Vigneault might be bit of a control freak, but it appears he will not do what other coaches in other sports have been known to do before a big game or playoff series and resort to instituting draconian policies in order to control every waking moment of his players’ lives. Especially when it comes to their sex lives.
During an interview session after practice Wednesday, the health reporter for the Vancouver Sun began peppering Vigneault with questions about the sexual routines of players.
From the Vancouver Sun:
“Coach, what are your expectations, and in fact your advice to players, with respect to daily health routines whether it is sleep, eating habits, training, recovery, diet, sex, you know all the normal things people do every day?” was the question posed to Vigneault.
“Sex every day?” he responded, with an incredulous expression, drawing extended laughs from journalists present.
“I think for all the other things, before the sex, we do a real good job making sure of the conditioning and nutrition and in my time here, we’ve had a sleep (expert) individual so everything we can control, that we should control, we do. And I believe that’s probably one of the reasons this year why our record in the third period has been so solid and so strong.
“As far as the sex goes, that’s none of my business, they can do what they want. I like to have a lot of control but (not) that part there,” Vigneault said.
I can understand where he’s coming from. What the players do on their own time – as long as it doesn’t interfere with their level of preparedness – should not be an issue. And who would want to know what sort of creepy and perverse stuff the Sedin twins are into anyway? I’d prefer to leave that sleeping dog lie as well. Which, incidentally, is not what the Sedin twins choose to do in the privacy of their home – let the sleeping dog lie, that is. Hence, the creepy sexual stuff I alluded to previously.
Sex before a playoff game? Canucks coach says that’s the players’ business [Vancouver Sun]
Or maybe Grubbs considered her arrest in West Hollywood Wednesday night slightly erotic. At least it is keeping her name out there, and isn’t that what it’s all about?
Grubbs was handcuffed and taken downtown to Chinatown after police pulled her over and discovered she had three outstanding warrants. Oops.
Via KTLA:
The cocktail waitress was driving a 2004 Ford Mustang when she was stopped by West Hollywood sheriff’s deputies in the 1300 block of Crescent Heights Boulevard Wednesday evening because there was a warrant return on her car’s license plate.
She had three outstanding warrants, deputies said. They included: a $26,000 warrant out of Beverly Hills Court for driving on a suspended license; a $2,500 warrant out of Beverly Hills Court for driving on a suspended license; and a $1,809 warrant out of West Los Angeles Court for driving on a suspended license.
A 2004 Ford Mustang? What, did she just graduate from high school or something? Grubbs needs to sharpen her Sugar Daddy-attracting skills if the best ride she can get is an ’04 Mustang.
Grubbs was released early Thursday morning after posting bail, set at $30,309. I suppose the only reason anyone gives a rat’s ass that she got nailed by the fuzz was that she was supposedly nailing Tiger Woods, but I would recommend Grubbs find a better way to stay in the spotlight than driving around with warrants hanging over her head. She should strike while the iron is hot and make a sex tape toot sweet, for crying out loud. You only get one crack at infamous notoriety, might as well make the most of it.
Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Jaimee Grubbs Arrested in L.A. [KTLA]
Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy is…uh, how do I put this mildly? Let’s just say he is not one of the most handsome fellows out there. While he is a fantastic coach whose knowledge of X’s and O’s ranks him among the best in the business, unfortunately for him, his Ron Jeremy-esque, slovenly appearance, in this image-obsessed culture we live in, leaves much to be desired.
The folks at the Orlando Sentinel are trying to do their part to help their beleaguered, looks-embattled basketball coach with “The SVG Makeover” machine, an interactive application where we are provided a multitude of options for different styles of facial hair which Van Gundy could employ to improve how he presents himself.
Above is the blank slate, if you will, for Coach Van Gundy, known by the Makeover Machine as “Baby Face.” After the jump, a few of my personal favorites.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. We’re back on a regular morning schedule here after my sojourn over at With Leather. Once again, I’d like to thank PUNTE for the opportunity. Send tips, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Thanks.
• A 30-year-old man using alcohol to clean his bong accidentally burned his house down in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Wait – make that trailer – he burned his trailer down. That makes more sense. A county investigator stated that the man was “distraught and suffering from a drug addiction.” Yep. [MSNBC/AP]
• Singer Scott Stapp of Creed notoriety will single-handedly ruin the season of the Florida Marlins. [Walkoff Walk]
• Was Lane Kiffin not actually the worst hire of the decade? [The Sporting Blog]
• Awesome: college teammates used to refer to Tiger Woods as “Urkel.” [Out of Bounds]
• Mavalanche energy drink will kick your ass, in parody form. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The Babes continue to crank out excellent MLB season previews in Haiku form. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Why adding another Sunday Night Football game is a bad idea for the NFL. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Conan singing Radiohead’s “Creep.” [Warming Glow]
• Animated gif of a monkey doing push-ups. It’s oddly hypnotic. [Total Pro Sports]
• These guys are not big fans of Twins second baseman Orlando Hudson and his comments regarding Jermaine Dye and Gary Sheffield. [More Hardball]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Video: ‘Cosmopolitan’ Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man
When you go to bed tonight, be sure to say a prayer for Amanda Flowers.
Flowers, a 24-year-old woman from Manchester, England, suffered a damaged nerve after falling off her Wii Fit board. Afterward, she began to experience sexual sensations from anything remotely vibrating. From coming into contact with things such as cell phones to food processors, she would immediately become turned on.
Flowers, a caterer, now claims to need ten sessions of sex a day to satisfy her cravings. Doctors have attributed her insatiable horniness to something called “persistent sexual arousal syndrome” as a result of her pinched nerve.
Said the poor, afflicted woman (via Daily Star):
“It began as a twinge down below before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm.”
Go on…
“With no cure I just have to try to control my passion by breathing deeply. Hopefully one day I’ll find a superstud who can satisfy me.”
(raises hand)
But really, how crazy is this story? Given I did not complete my coursework at Upstairs Medical College, I am unable to qualify whether or not “persistent sexual arousal syndrome” is a legitimate physiological condition or not, but I can guarantee you this: sales of the Wii Fit to sexually frustrated husbands and boyfriends are about to go through the friggin’ roof.
But until these guys can get their better halves on the Wii Fit and then push them off praying for the same injury as the one Ms. Flowers sustained, they can pacify themselves with either “Sexy Girl In Underwear Wii Fit Snowboarding” or “Wii Fit Sexy Yoga Workout with Cyber Girl Jo Garcia,” both of which you can find after the jump. Hey, it’s at least something.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Even my status as a total homer does not prevent me from saying that something ain’t quite right about the Kirby Puckett statue outside of Target Field. [Out of Bounds]
• The highly anticipated return of Tommy from Quinzee. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• How times change: at one point, Ben Roethlisberger was hitting this fine piece of tail. [Guyism]
• The lovely Sania Mirza celebrated her recent nuptials to some cricket player by getting her arms tattooed. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawk is eschewing the traditional playoff beard for a playoff mullet. [Puck Daddy]
• You can now make toast with your favorite team logo on it. Finally! [With Leather]
• Jermaine Dye is a pretty popular baseball player right now despite not, you know, playing baseball. [Walkoff Walk]
• If you got the cash, you can purchase an authentic green jacket from Augusta. [Devil Ball Golf]
• ESPN baseball writer Rob Newyer has no idea clue what he is talking about. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Is it technically streaking if a person is dressed up as a Furry? Who cares? It’s hilarious. [Busted Coverage]
• So, are Tiger and Elin getting divorced or not? Would they please make a goddamn decision already? [Trailing Tiger]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Lakers Great Karl Malone Inducted Into Hall Of Fame
With the start of the 2010 FIFA World Cup less than two months away and over 500,000 unsold tickets staring organizers in the face, officials have decided to allow people to buy tickets with good old-fashioned cash money dollars. Or whatever they use for money over there in South Africa. A genius concept if you ask me.
Tickets will be made available at a whopping 18 supermarkets across the country, so while soccer-crazy folks are at the store picking up a loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter, they can purchase their tickets. Brilliant!
Up to this point, the ticket-buying process was a convoluted, complicated affair:
Many South Africans had complained the original process, by which tickets were sold through Fifa’s website or in a complicated ballot at a local bank branch, excluded people without web access, credit cards or the disposable income to pay for their tickets months in advance.
“We are excited about these new initiatives, which make the process much easier for everyone,” commented World Cup 2010 boss Danny Jordaan.
“We have always said that it is important that we make this World Cup more accessible to the people and with over the counter sales, we believe this measure is consistent with the needs of the fans.”
It’s nice that FIFA is finally realizing that in order for people to show up for matches, they need to, you know, be able to buy tickets. Now that’s a brilliant ad wizard who came up with this campaign.
South Africans offered 2010 World Cup tickets for cash [BBC]
Is it sad that the news has me extremely pumped up? On a day that should be considered a national holiday, the NFL will release the complete regular season schedule at 7:00 ET on Tuesday, April 20th on the NFL Network. Of course, opponents for teams had already been previously announced, but it is always a thrill to see how the schedule shakes out.
A far out tool will launch simultaneously with the schedule release on NFL.com: a badass interactive schedule that looks to be a hoot once all the dates, game times, etc. are put in place.
We’re one step closer to the kickoff of the 2010 NFL season, people. How awesome is that?
I’ll tell you how awesome. Real. Real awesome.
NFL Network, NFL.com to reveal regular-season schedule Tuesday [NFL.com]
In an incredibly savvy business move, Comedy Central just announced that they have agreed to air a 10-episode package of the Onion Sports Network. Set to premiere in the first quarter of 2011, OSN has experienced success in online form, but the question will be how will it translate to a longer format.
Via Variety:
“The Onion has such credibility in the comedy world, we feel fortunate to partner with them,” Comedy Central head of original programming and production Kent Alterman said. “They will skewer the sports world, and the media coverage of sports, with the same sharpness we’ve seen applied to the world of politics and popular culture.”
Indeed. Count me as one of the people who is really looking forward to the show and how it will translate to cable television. If you are somewhat unfamiliar with the video incarnation of Onion Sports, here’s a sample of what we can look forward to seeing next year.
While everyone within the Vikings organization waits with baited breath for Brett Favre to make his decision on whether or not he will return and play for the team next season, the Gunslinger sent word that he hasn’t forgotten about his teammates and has sent them all pairs of Wrangler jeans. How nice of the guy.
Punter Chris Kluwe joked about the jeans, saying, “I need to break them in a little bit, they are kind of stiff,” but was not willing to speculate on Favre’s future with the team.
Ah, who are we bullshitting here? The Vikings are as aware of Favre’s plans as Brad Childress is that if he shaved his facial hair he would look even more like a pedophile.
Perhaps the most interesting revelation coming from this fluff story is how it eerily mirrors a bit from “The Mayne Event” bit during the playoffs in January.
