Archive for April, 2010
As part of his pregame routine, Alexander Ovechkin always skates hard to the bench and stops abruptly, spraying snow everywhere. Consider it akin to the practice by LeBron James and Kevin Garnett when they throw up clouds of powder prior to every opening tip. What made Ovechkin’s routine before the Caps-Habs game last night different (and sure to drum up unnecessary controversy) was there happened to be two little kids dressed up in Montreal gear waving Canadiens flags. The kid standing in front of the Caps’ bench got slightly sprayed, surely scarring him for life.
Just kidding, and as Sean Leahy points out over at Puck Daddy, the kid probably was more thrilled than traumatized. It was the Unfrozen Caveman Hockey Player himself, after all.
While the anti-Ovechkin crowd will see this as a classless act because it’s, well, Ovechkin, you just know that that kid is somewhere in a Montreal-area elementary school right now bragging to his buddies about getting snowed on by the Washington captain. He probably has the YouTube video favorite’d.
Absolutely agree. Maybe if the Habs hadn’t crapped the bed last night, losing 6-3 and going down 3-1 in the series, the kid would be in even better spirits than he already is today. Alex Ovechkin, man.
Video: You’ll either love, hate Ovechkin spraying snow on kid [Puck Daddy]
Jim Armstrong, the skip of the 2010 Canadian Paralympic team, has been arrested and charged with importing fake Viagra and Cialis from China. Authorities busted him after he picked up a package containing over 3,000 pills of the erection erectors at a mailbox. Armstrong could face up to 10 years in prison and be fined of up to $2 million.
Via The Vancouver Sun:
In a criminal complaint filed in the U.S. District Court of Western Washington, FDA Special Agent Jim Burkhardt said authorities were tipped off to the shipment when it arrived at a clearing house in Los Angeles on April 7. When customs agents opened the box, they found 2,544 tablets of a drug labelled as Viagra, and another 260 tablets labelled Cialis.
Burkhardt said although the pills bore trademarks of the drug makers, Pfizer and Lilly, they were suspected to be counterfeit because they had been shipped from China, which is known for the production of counterfeit drugs.
Armstrong, who was an accomplished, um, non-paralympic curler before his knees gave out and a car accident further hobbled him, has not formally responded to the charges, but his next court appearance will be April 30th. While definitely a black eye for the paralympics we should not condemn all of them solely due to the actions of one man motivated by his passion for sitting in a tub overlooking a breathtaking vista while his lover is sitting in another tub right next to him. It’s expensive to fund such lavish trips – the fees associated with renting two claw-footed tubs are borderline obscene right now – and maybe Armstrong was simply attempting to defray some of the costs by dabbling in the counterfeit pharma-bonerical trade.
Further, many male paralympians don’t have much of a use for boner pills, real or fake, anyway. Sorry, but it’s true.
Jim Armstrong, Canada’s golden Paralympic skip, charged with trafficking in fake Viagra [The Vancouver Sun]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Who’s excited for another thrilling Thursday? No one? I’m not either. Oh well. Send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• An irate customer threw batteries and punched an employee of the Bellingham, WA Cost Cutters after the worker confronted him about how much he reeked of ass. You see what you get for doing someone a favor these days? Crazy. [MSNBC/AP]
• Wolfie, Jr., that mascot that fell off the top of the dugout last week? Don’t worry, he’s fine. [Out of Bounds]
• A writer from St. Louis said the Rams will go 8-8 next season and I don’t think he was joking. [Second-String Fullback]
• Brian Davis discusses the penalty he called against himself in the playoff against Jim Furyk on Sunday which cost him $400K. [Waggle Room]
• Introducing the hottest college volleyball player, Victoria Adelhelm. [Busted Coverage]
• NBA groupies are advertising in the Personals section of the USA Today. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Regis Philbin loves his Pittsburgh Pirates. And not crapping his pants. I’m not sure which one he loves more, though. [Mondesi's House]
• The season is all but finished for the Montreal Canadiens after losing to the Caps last night, and to say that these guys are none too pleased would be a drastic understatement. Angry, angry men. [Four Habs Fans]
• The Top 10 takeaways from the Ben Roethlisberger suspension. [Five Tool Tool]
• The only five realistic ways to kick internet porn. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Middle school track and teabagging. You can’t have one without the other. No, I am not going to sit down over there. [Out of Bounds]
• The Blackhawks are getting torn a new one by its fans and the media after losing to the Predators last night and going down 2-1 in the series. [Puck Daddy]
• Warning: Evan Longoria will steal your girlfriend. Well, not if she’s ugly. If she’s homely, I think you’re safe. [Bootlegger Sports]
• So, Lorena Ochoa retired. She’s a golfer. [With Leather]
• What in the hell was Dwyane Wade wearing last night? [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Cleveland Indians love bloggers. [Walkoff Walk]
• Gary Bettman has gone mad with power. [Melt Your Face Off]
• New Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll is providing hints about what Seattle plans to do in the draft by referencing songs. Yes, that really is as stupid as it sounds. [The Sporting Blog]
• Would you look at that? Ron Artest has another new hairstyle. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Former Michigan football player robbed a pizza delivery guy. [Guyism]
• Ben Roethlisberger is like the friggin’ goose that laid the golden egg for the guys at KSK. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Ozzie Guillen hates the cable company, tweets his frustration with them. [Mouthpiece Blog]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Mel Kiper, Jr. Explains How Justice Stevens’ Retirement Affects NFL Draft
Send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. I’m sure you were about to anyway without my prodding.
It’s All-Tebow, All-The-Time here at the Sportress apparently. Once he is drafted and becomes a team’s practice squad quarterback, I imagine the buzz will die down. I hope.
Tim Tebow told NFL Network’s Rich Eisen that he will forgo showing up for the NFL Draft – a wise move, if you ask me – because he couldn’t coordinate getting his entire family to New York to be with him. What a friggin’ mama’s boy.
“The most important thing to me — if you know me — is my family,” Tebow said. “For me to look at it (as) my moment because I have worked for it, that’s being selfish. This is their moment, too. It’s my family’s moment. To not be with them, it’s a hard thing for me to do.”
Yep, there was no way Tebow was going to get up on that stage at Radio City Music Hall when his name is called in the late second round unless every member of his extended family could go up there with him. And they better have had jerseys for everybody, too. It’s their moment, dammit. Stop being so myopic, NFL – allow every God-fearing Tebow (or some other name in the case of marriage) to bask in the glory and splendor that is Tim Tebow.
Tebow declines invitation to attend draft, decides to return home [NFL.com]
Craig James Is A Crying Little Bitch
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Speaking Tuesday at something called the “PowerLunch Series” at the Prestonwood Baptist Church in Texas, Protective Papa Craig James broke down in tears as he regaled the jobless losers who attend motivational luncheons at churches on Tuesday afternoons with stories about the “spiritual war” his family has been through over the last four months, ever since he and his son got Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach fired after the coach was allegedly a super-duper meanie-weenie to James’ son, Adam.
From The Dallas Morning News:
“We were hoping that would stop the insanity that was done to him,” James said.
James said the family received death threats. He said that the police had to sit outside his home.
Though tears and broken words came across recanting the events, James wanted to make sure that signs of regret never did.
“Our character, our honesty and our integrity are in place,” he insisted. “We’ve done nothing wrong.”
Maybe not, but you are super-freaking annoying, you weepy little pissant. Grow a friggin’ pair, you pansy.
Craig James tears up, discusses Texas Tech incident at Prestonwood Baptist Church luncheon [The Dallas Morning News]
Our favorite big-time blogger was back at it again today, not only did he refer to bloggers as bed wetters, he also was singing the praises of St. Tebow while at the same time condemning the dregs of humanity that currently pollute rosters in the NFL. Referring to Tebow as the “antidote to NFL crime,” Mariotti writes that if he were in charge of an NFL franchise, he would “draft Tim Tebow in the first round and, for now, put him in a mascot suit.” Kinky stuff, Jay, but I don’t think Tebowner rolls that way.
But Mariotti continues to probe his manlust for Tebow:
Sweet Jesus. Fire Joe Morgan, we need you guys now more than ever.
The ego has landed. At a press conference scheduled for 4:30 ET today, it will be announced that Joe Morgan (he’s the guy on the left in the photo, not the dude on the far right) has been hired as a Special Advisor to Baseball Operations by the Cincinnati.
Does this mean that Morgan will take on a lesser role on ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball? Please say it does. Regardless, expect the Reds to start churning out player after player in the mold of the great Dave Concepción.
Reds name Joe Morgan as special advisor [Daily Pitch]
Yesterday, the Sportress brought you the disappointing news that Major League Baseball had informed Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon that he was not allowed to wear his comfy hooded sweatshirt any longer. Today, we are the bearer of good news: the MLB has reconsidered and now it is okey-dokey for the skipper to don the casual attire once again.
From Fox Sports/AP:
“Hoodie-gate is over,” Maddon said. “I received a call today saying cooler heads had prevailed. I’m now able to wear the hoodie any time I’d like.”
“It’s so nice that I can wear my hoodie without any concern that it may result in some form of punishment,” he said. “I’m just happy to say on behalf of all the hoodie-wearers everywhere that MLB is back in line with a subculture that I can really, truly identify with.”
Awesome. Thankfully, the MLB saw the folly in their overly-conservative policy regarding sweatshirts. But do you know who the real winners in are in all of this? The kids.
“It’s good for the youth in the United States who are grabbing onto Major League Baseball for the first time,” Maddon said. “I’m sure the hoodie is their favorite piece of clothing, right next to the hat.”
That’s right, folks. A nation of sloppily-dressed, hooded sweatshirt-wearing punks rejoiced upon hearing the news. If all goes as planned, the hooded sweatshirt will unite the Youth of America into a cohesive, Major League Baseball-loving unit. It will take a nation of millions of appropriately attired baseball fans to hold back this movement.
(raises fist)
Rays’ Maddon allowed to wear ‘hoodie’ [Fox Sports]
(previously at the Sportress: By MLB Order, Rays Manager Joe Maddon Forced To Suppress Belichickian Tendencies)
One of thrills of live television is its inherent unpredictability. You never know just what might happen when the cameras are rolling. We were already treated to Charles Barkley calling his co-hosts “assholes” last night on TNT, now we have former New York Nets coach Lawrence Frank dropping f-bombs and more during an appearance on ESPN’s First Take.
After a segment with Dana Jacobson, Frank was participating in some playful banter with Jay Crawford, Skip Bayless and I believe Tim Legler – is that his name? – when he started working blue, much to the feigned, “let’s ignore it and keep this moving” amusement of his co-panelists. Frank refers to LeBron James as “that fucker” and the Nets as “the shit.” It’s squirm-worthy stuff.
Delightfully awkward video follows.
Just when you think bisexual softball players are finally making a significant headway penetrating the clique that is homosexual softball, something like this happens and it must make them feel like they are taking it right up the poop chute. Just because they happen to swing from both sides of the plate, so to speak, should not mean they are not allowed to participate in the Gay Softball World Series, right?
Three bisexual softball players from San Francisco have filed a federal complaint against the organizers of the 2008 Gay Softball World Series in Seattle. They claim they were discriminated against because of their bisexuality.
Via The Seattle Times:
The Seattle Times reports that the men filed the federal complaint Tuesday against the softball tournament’s organizer, the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance. It alleges that after another team complained, the alliance ruled the three men were “nongay,” and took away the team’s second-place finish.
Hoo boy, that’s (non)gay. What’s up with these bisexuals anyway? While I am sure they fully support the rights of homosexuals to put on their own softball tournament, they nevertheless feel that the rules should be changed simply to accommodate them and their sexuality. It’s like these bisexuals want it both ways or something.
Bisexual men say gay softball series discriminated [The Seattle Times/AP]
Tiger Woods, you miserable, no good, goddamn son-of-a-bitch. Nickelback? Nickelback? God, dude, that’s just flat out wrong. The guy cannot keep taking shots to his Q Score like this. Women, as a group, already despise him, now guys who do not support the lifestyles of bland, corporate rock dickbags have a beef with him.
Apparently, in an affront to good taste and the sensibilities of lovers of good music everywhere, Tiger further shamed himself by taking in a Nickelback concert last night at the Amway Arena in Orlando. Word on the street is he even hung out backstage with the purveyors of pussy rock. I can only imagine what kind of lame-ass scene one would had to endure simply by partying backstage at a Nickelback concert.
Man, what a friggin’ dick. I understand Tiger enjoys slumming for his side pieces, but that does not mean he has to degrade himself by attending a concert put on by those Canadian fucktards. What gives? He couldn’t hold out for the Barenaked Ladies to come to town?
Tiger Woods Parties at Nickelback Concert [TMZ]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Wow, 4/20. You kicked my butt. There’s worse things, but I got a wicked case of the stupids this morning. Help me out today and send tips and death threats to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Heh. This caterpillar talks out of its butt. The Drepana arcuata scrapes oar-like structures on its ass against leaves to communicate. You can read more about this peculiar creature, but allow me to use one term from the story, simply for my own amusement: anal structures. [MSNBC]
• Here’s a Tiger Woods bobblehead you will be hard-pressed not to purchase. [Out of Bounds]
• A complete listing of NFL’s prime time games for the upcoming season. [Awful Announcing]
• Speaking of which, the five potentially worse prime-time games on the schedule. [Shutdown Corner]
• Marty Turco is sponsoring research about goalies? What a strange, strange world. [Melt Your Face Off]
• I guess we should have seen Lorena Ochoa’s retirement coming. [Waggle Room]
• Yay! Another FCL finishes the headline post! Whee! [Food Court Lunch]
• Today in 1982, Rollie Fingers saved his 300th game. Still love the mustache. [Joe Sports Fan]
• It sure seems that the LeBron James/Michael Jordan comparison is becoming more and more apropos. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• The Top 10 reasons Donovan McNabb wants the Redskins to sign Terrell Owens. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Charlotte Bobcats have a playoff song. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The interesting evolution of 20 corporate logos. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: NASA Announces Plan To Bring Wi-Fi To Its Headquarters By 2017
Last Call: ‘Happy 420′ Edition
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With the moniker Weed Against Speed, I would be remiss if I did not at the very least acknowledge 4/20. So there you go. Happy 420, everyone.
If you don’t know but have ever wondered what the meaning is behind the 420 phenomenon, read this.
Enjoy.
