Archive for April, 2010
It seems like people are afraid to criticize the Denver Broncos drafting of Tim Tebow. Even more so, they feel compelled to talk it up like it was a stroke of unbelievable genius, lest they upset the delicate balance of all is right in the world and the sins and iniquity that plague it, particularly in the National Football League. But not Pete Prisco from CBS Sports. In fact, Prisco believes Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels just prematurely signed his own walking papers and will be fired for the decision to draft St. Timmus Tebowcius. In clear, concise, one-sentence paragraphs, Prisco lays it all out for us.
Tebow is raw. He doesn’t understand the passing game. He doesn’t read defenses.
Oh, but he’s a good kid.
At least he’ll save the locker room.
Really? If you aren’t playing, character doesn’t matter. The NFL is a cruel business. His rah-rah crap doesn’t matter. They won’t listen. They won’t stand for it.
Crying after losses?
Yeah, right.
Does he work hard? Yes. Does he want to be good? Yes.
But the skills aren’t there. He isn’t close to being as good as Jimmy Clausen. Too bad for Jimmy he doesn’t have the character Tebow has, at least that’s what they say.
The Broncos reached big time for Tebow. But look at the bright side: At least he won’t be running the streets.
He also won’t be starting anytime soon — if ever.
And Josh McDaniels will lose his job in a year or two over this one and his other moves over the past year.
Take that, Josh McDaniels! You will rue the day you drafted Tim Tebow. Go ahead, begin rueing. Still, I admire Prisco’s moxie, even though he’s going to burn in Hell now.
Broncos’ McDaniels can kiss job goodbye with Tebow pick [CBS Sports]
Woo-hoo! In your face, Milwaukee!
I guess going up two games to none against the Milwaukee Bucks gave Atlanta Hawks forward Josh Smith a boost of aloofness, because he just threw the lovely city of Milwaukee (pronounced “mill-e-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land) under the bus. Smith took some unnecessary potshots at the Midwestern jewel Thursday after someone asked him about his plans when the series moves to Milwaukee, opining that “everybody knows there’s nothing to do” in the town.
Smith says he’s never really done anything in Milwaukee and will “just be happy to find a restaurant.” When a reporter jokingly asked if he’d ever take a vacation there, Smith replied, “Would you go? Everybody knows there ain’t nothing to do in Milwaukee.”
I hate to burst Smith’s egotistical, holier-than-thou bubble, but there are tons of fun things to do in Milwaukee. For one, you can go visit all the gay bars Jeffrey Dahmer used to frequent when he was on the prowl for victims. That’s fun for the entire family.
Hawks’ Josh Smith takes a jab at Milwaukee [Washington Post/AP]
This was never the way he planned
Not his intention
He got so brave, hand in hand
Lost his discretion
Its not what, he’s used to
Just wanna try him on
He’s curi-ous for him, caught his attention
He kissed a boy and he liked it
The taste of his brother’s chapstick
He kissed a boy just to try it
I hope his boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean he’s in love tonight
He kissed a boy and he liked it
(He liked it)
Good to know. Bud Selig made his annual appearance in front of the Associated Press Sports Editors and said that Dr. Gary Green, a UCLA professor (so you know he’s super smart), has not yet determined the validity of the blood test available from the World Anti-Doping Agency.
Via the AP report:
“As soon as Dr. Green has finished his study on things, believe me, I’m most anxious to move forward,” Selig said. “One can debate what HGH does or doesn’t do. It needs to be banned.”
Unionized major leaguers currently have only urine testing. The players’ union has said it would consider a blood test if it is validated.
Selig said that if baseball adopts the test, it would start using it for players with minor league contracts. He has repeatedly spoken with club athletic trainers about how prevalent the use of HGH is in the majors.
“The answer is we really don’t know,” Selig said. “Most think it’s relatively low, but they really don’t know.”
Unless some form of HGH testing is adopted, we’ll never know. In any event, at least Selig now has a incredibly competent, meticulous scientist at the helm of MLB Science Labs (that’s a made-up name – I think the real title is the Major League Baseball Science Place Where People Work On Science Stuff And Other Things Too). You should have seen the last guy that was at the helm of the operation, not to mention his erratic assistant.
Michael A. Fuoco wrote an enlightening article, published today in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which sheds some light at what Ben Roethlisberger should expect when he shows up to “undergo a series of interviews and psychological testing to assess his personality traits, cognitive abilities and neuropsychological fitness as part of a comprehensive behavioral evaluation” at some undisclosed location.
Obviously, considering the depths of Roethlisberger’s depravity, traditional treatment methods might not work. My suggestion is that those who will be treating Big Ben go with a more, shall we say, unconventional route.
You guys blew it. You blew it big time. I can’t be here to hold your hand through everything and now you cannot win a lunch date with scribe for The Dallas Morning News and ESPN’s Around the Horn blowhard Tim Cowlishaw. Good job, woodheads.
You see, Cowlishaw has a little contest going on regarding where Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy and Dez Bryant would end up getting selected in the draft. The person most accurate with their guesses gets to eat lunch with Cowlishaw and some Cowboys beat writer!
What could be better than a free lunch with not only myself but our veteran Cowboys and (occasional) Mavericks scribe, Todd Archer? It’s right there for you to win…today!
I will shut off selections at 6:30 p.m. Central when the draft begins, and I will post Todd’s picks and mine so you can score at home. Winner gets free lunch with me and Archer at Hully and Mo’s. Hey, at least it’s a good spot if you can’t stand the company.
Everyone who beats me and Archer — it won’t be easy, we are trained professionals — will be listed in a blog post Monday. And the winner will be announced then as well. Good luck!
Imagine it! It will be like the friggin’ Algonquin Round Table set up shop at Hully and Mo’s for that luncheon. And to think about the questions you could have asked Cowlishaw. Top in my mind would have been, “What’s Tony Reali like in real life? Is he nice? If you were to run your fingers through his hair, would they get stuck or pass through easily?”
Snarkiness aside, Cowlishaw is at least self-deprecating about the entire thing, so I reluctantly have to give him some credit. Further, he is forced to spend a part of every weekday arguing with Woody Paige and – ugh – Jay Mariotti. I believe that makes him eligible for canonization.
Tim Cowlishaw’s draft contest: Place Tebow, Bryant and McCoy, with lunch to the winner [The Dallas Morning News]
God bless Jon Gruden, that pumpkin pie hair-cutted freak. Seriously,while amusing in a “That guy…there’s something wrong with that guy” sort of way, the hairstyle he was sporting last night is bad enough an 8-year-old boy would be ashamed to walk out of the house with it. But when he starts cracking jokes to Mel Kiper about the NFL being a “crazy league” and the draft having “a lot of dumbass picks,” he becomes even more endearing.
And at least, unlike one of his cohorts sitting at the desk, he didn’t spend the entire evening arrogantly interrupting people, bloviating needlessly about who knows what and demonstrating that he holds his fellow analysts beneath his contempt, like Steve Young did the entire night. God, that guy is a dick.
And what was the deal with Tom Jackson last night? It seemed like he would have rather been in a million other places than sitting at that desk. Although with all the hissy fits, back-biting and 12-year-old girl mentality demonstrated by the panel in several instances, I guess you can hardly blame him.
[H/T You Been Blinded]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. When it isn’t dead tired from staying up too late obsessively playing Super Mario Bros. Wii after watching nearly four hours of NFL draft coverage – to see the Vikings NOT make a pick, it will do its very best to inform, enlighten and entertain. And you can help: send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Thankee.
• Police originally thought they lost their suspect, a 52-year-old man wanted on methamphetamine charges, but they ended up finding him on a farm in northeastern Indiana, buried up to his neck in hog and dog feces. Meth Guy didn’t go down without a fight, though. Police had to use their tasers to subdue him. I guess if he evacuated his bowels because of the tasing, no one probably notice. That’s good. [MSNBC/AP]
• Alex Rodriguez: still a clueless dick. [Babes Love Baseball]
• The Madden 11 gameplay trailer, y’all! [FirstCuts]
• Drew Brees is not worried about the “Madden Curse.” We’re happy for him. [Larry Brown Sports]
• According to every headline everywhere, “Sam is a Ram,” or some variation of that. But does he like green eggs and ham? Sam the Ram? [Joe Sports Fan]
• Jimmy Clausen and Colt McCoy: still available. Tim Tebow? He be a Bronco. Have fun with that, Denver fans. Suckers. [Shutdown Corner]
• Speaking of Tebow, how about the fact he and some dude who was with him wherever he was were wearing the same shirt? Awkward. [Tirico Suave]
• Tiger and Elin’s divorce is “100 percent happening.” I call first dibs on Elin! What? She’d totally dig me, dude. [Out of Bounds]
• My buddies at MYFO roll out a new feature, “Ask Joe Thornton’s Substitute,” featuring the Cock Knocker himself, Sean Avery. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Top 10 things to take out of the first round of the NFL draft. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: ‘Vehicular Manslaughter Doctor’ Assists In 23rd Doctor-Assisted Vehicular Manslaughter
There really isn’t much to add to this clip from 1983 and ESPN’s coverage of the NFL draft. Simply enjoy it for all its dated brilliance. And Chris Berman and Bob Ley. To paraphrase Jasper Beardly, is that really you guys? Whoo.. time has ravaged your once youthful looks. Ley should really do an Outside the Lines report on Berman’s hairstyle. Riveting stuff.
Moon pies and the NFL Draft? What a time to be alive.
[H/T Busted Coverage]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Could it happen? Could Gus Johnson be in Madden 11? Please make it so. [FirstCuts]
• Speaking of which, in case you hadn’t heard, Drew Brees is the Madden 11 cover boy. [Shutdown Corner]
• Punte participated in a charity poker tournament in Vegas, shot video and best of all, met Carrot Top and lived to tell the tale. [With Leather]
• Milton Bradley: not a very good tenant. [Big League Stew]
• This Tweet In Baseball! Yay! [Walkoff Walk]
• Larry King’s wife was nailing son’s little league coach? Why when she’s got Larry at home in the coffin? [Out of Bounds]
• Do you know what wins with the announcement that the NCAA tournament will only be expanded to 68 teams? The regular season. [The Dagger]
• More LSUfreek magic for ya. [The Sporting Blog]
• Here’s video of a bunch of Penn State fans rocking out to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the U.S.A.” before a football game. Awkward. [Black Shoe Diaries]
• Some NFL team asked Oklahoma State wideout Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute. These things are important. [The Sporting Blog]
• Time for another KSK Sex/Fantasy Football mailbag! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• This cannot stand: Danica Patrick has taken a slight lead over Lane Kiffin in Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman Alive contest. [Busted Coverage]
• Was there an appearance of a breast during the broadcast of the Atlanta Braves game last night? [Total Pro Sports]
• Soon-to-be multi-millionaire Sam Bradford is a huge NHL fan. [Puck Daddy]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Online University Cracks Down On Rowdy Online Fraternity
Send tips and whatnot to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
The Pittsburgh Pirates: Still Terrible
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Things can change in an instant in this crazy, millions of miles per hour world, but one thing remains remarkably constant through it all: the ineptitude of the Pittsburgh Pirates organization.
Earlier this afternoon at PNC Park, the Pirates lost in historic fashion to the Milwaukee Brewers by a mind-bending, punched-in-the-junk score of 20-0, the worst shutout loss in the team’s history, besting the 18-0 clunker against Philadelphia in 1910.
This time, it was starting pitcher Daniel McCutchen who yielded the early lead, and for the third straight game the offense did nothing to help. It was the second shutout loss in a row for the Pirates, who were outscored 36-1 over the course of the three games.
Yep, the second shutout in a row. That’s commitment to suckitude right there, especially for a team that hasn’t sniffed the playoffs in 18 years and is on a 17-year streak of consecutive losing seasons. Yowsers. At least the Pittsburghians (?) can distract themselves with all the good stuff going on with the Stee-…oops.
Well, it looks like the Penguins are going to make it out of the first round of the NHL Playoffs. Maybe. That’s nice.
Pirates annihilated in historic 20-0 defeat [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]
Given the dearth of NBA-centric content here at the Sportress, regular readers can probably surmise that yours truly is not much of a basketball fan. I once was a big NBA fan, mind you, but the declining quality of the product put out on the floor by David Stern and his evil band of henchmen has been directly related to my declining interest in the sport at the professional level, not to mention having the Minnesota Timberwolves as the local NBA team, which can also sour a person quite a bit.
That is why I am at least curious about the news that Cartoon Network, working with TNT, is developing an NBA show called Run It Back Sunday, which “will take the NBA On TNT game of the week and remix it into an hour, adding special effects (like flames around the net or ball) and pop up trivia about the game and players.” Far out, man. Burning basketballs. It will be like NBA Jam, I guess, without the pesky controllers and actually having to do anything. And if they can somehow figure out a way to do some cross-programming and get Charles Barkley on Cartoon Network, so much the better, although then the show would probably have to air during Adult Swim.
Along with Run It Back Sunday, Cartoon Network is also working on something called Cartoon Network’s Hall of Game, “a sports-themed show honoring professional and amateur athletes.” Hey, it probably won’t be any worse than the other times a non-traditional network tried their hands at sports programming. Just look at the crap that used to pass for acceptable television viewing on MTV Sports. And hey, Dan Cortese could really use the work, right?
Upfronts 2010: Cartoon Network Expands Its Sports Game [Broadcasting & Cable]
In a statement published today on his official site, The Official Website of Super Bowl XLIII MVP Santon10 Holmes (he replaced the “io” with “10″, get it?), Holmes took a moment to thank “Steelers Fans for the Great Memories” as well as acknowledge the mistakes he has made in the past, stating he has “learned from them” and that God has provided him with the opportunity to make a clean start.” I’m sure Steelers fans are thrilled for him.
But perhaps more important than the Super Bowl victory, Super Bowl MVP awards and the tremendous support Steelers fans have shown him through all the arrests, dong photos and lawsuits, Holmes will always fondly remember that it was due to his accomplishments achieved while wearing the beloved Black and Gold that he received the esteemed honor of winning his first ESPY.
As one chapter of my life comes to a close, another chapter is just beginning. I would like to sincerely thank all of my fans for making my four years as a Steeler a memorable one. This is the team where I won my first Super Bowl ring, received the Super Bowl XLIII MVP and also won my first ESPY award. How can I move forward and not take those feelings and experiences with me. Those are the ones that left such a great taste in my mouth and wanting to strive for more. The support and encouragement you have given me from day one has been such an inspiration that I will continue to carry with me.
There are few things far more honorable than landing a coveted ESPY. Although he never did win that Cable Ace Award (or a Grammy, for that matter) while with the Steelers and that is something that will always leave a bad taste in Santonio’s mouth.
Thank You Steelers Fans for the Great Memories [The Official Website of Super Bowl XLIII MVP Santon10 Holmes]
Sir, You Seem To Have Dropped Your Terrible Towel [Deadspin]
(previously at the Sportress: Santonio Holmes Provides Twitter Update Regarding Legal Issue)
…it’s gotta be true, right? There is no way The Donald would ever just say something for the purpose of shameless self-promotion and to get his name in the newspapers. That’s not his style.
Trump, who is apparently good friends with Tiger, said during a telephone interview on Good Day New York that the marriage, for all intents and purposes is kaput.
“Do you want me to be blunt about it? I think it is over and it is too bad. I think he feels very badly about it. It is very, very tough.”
“He has been just devastated by what has happened, and he goes terribly about it.”
Goes terribly? That’s an interesting phrase. That’s usually what my wife says about when I get up in the middle of the night to take a leak. (try the veal)
But it wouldn’t have been a Donald Trump interview without some kind of smart-ass, self-aggrandizing comment from the guy. Towards the end of the interview, Trump cracks wise about how much a woman, in particular his wife, should tolerate when it comes to infidelity.
“Who can blame her? I am sure that my wife would be extremely ok with one, two, or three infidelities, but 15 is a bit much,” Trump joked.
Ha.
Video after the jump, if you are unable to grasp the above comments from Trump without hearing his smug voice.
Shut Up, Mark Cuban
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According to an informal count, this is the fifth time since I started the Sportress just over one year ago that the topic of a post has been some variation of “Shut the rip up, Mark Cuban.” Frankly, it is getting extremely tiring. Perhaps this will be the last one, but probably not.
Cuban’s latest demonstration of his rampant needsattentionitis (it’s a relatively unknown condition, but very widespread) is criticizing the NFL for stretching its draft over three days and selfishly turning it into a prime-time, even more profitable event. The nerve of those guys running the NFL sitting in their ivory towers.
“I just don’t think the NFL is playing themselves out to be a good partner,” Cuban said, mentioning issues the NFL has sought the NBA’s advice on copyright, collective bargaining and television issues. “You can’t operate professional sports in a vacuum … It’s a cyclical business. Always has been. Always will be. How you treat people when you’re at the top is usually a good reflection on how they treat you when you’re on your way down.”
It’s cyclical, you see. And Mark Cuban is right on one point. When never comes and the NBA is sitting atop the sports landscape and the NFL is a shell of its former self, Cuban will finally exact his revenge. It’s not going to be sweet when it never happens.
Mark Cuban not pleased with NFL moving draft [The Dallas Morning News]
