Archive for April, 2010
Nah, just kidding. She’s not really setting sail for Whore Island. There’s no such place. She is, however, currently planning her itinerary for a much needed vacation in Puerto Whoro.
But before that, she has some stripping to do. Oh, and some more interviews, you know, because her tale has not been told yet! Joslyn knelt down for an interview with Atlanta’s 790 The Zone earlier today, where she discussed, of all things, that cheatin’ Tiger Woods. You can hear the entirety of the interview in podcast form here.
And who are we kidding? She ain’t going anywhere. She’s like the herp, man.
Come, and give head. I mean heed.
Heh. POO-Holes
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How funny, phonetically speaking.
Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves. Sure, I have to take the time to actually type the jokes out at some point, but that’s pretty easy. The difficult part? Learning how to speak Labrador Retriever. Hello? How else was I going to be able to translate what my dog was saying to me, ya morons? I mean, “Bark, RUFF, ROOF, bark BARK, howl” just isn’t that funny.
[H/T Joe Sports Fan]
Aaaaaand They’re Off…
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Like many great combos throughout history, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, Hall & Oates, Starsky & Hutch, Peanut Butter & Jelly, an unconscious hooker and industrial grade cellophane wrap, Jack Nickalus and Arnold Palmer were together this morning on the first tee box of the hallowed grounds of Augusta National. Arguably the two greatest golfers the world has ever seen, the two distinguished gentlemen kicked off the Masters earlier this morning as honorary starters. Since 1963 when honorary starters were first used, many greats have set their ball on the tee and gave the ball a good whack, but watching both Nickalus and Palmer do it was a real treat for everyone and a sight to behold.
Video of the ceremonial start can be found here. Stupid ESPN won’t allow embedding of the video. Jackasses.
Via the AP:
Masters chairman Billy Payne introduced the 80-year-old Palmer as the player who “symbolized the game of golf around the world and remains universally loved and embraced.”
Palmer stuck his tee in the ground, then looked over at the gallery and said, “Get your ear muffs on because I’m going to …,” Palmer said, not finishing the bold prediction when the crowd erupted in laughter.
He swung from the heels, as always, and the shot peeled toward the right side of the fairway. Even his rival was impressed.
“That was pretty good,” Nicklaus told him.
Nicklaus, who turned 70 in January, for years resisted being an honorary starter. He has never been about ceremonial golf, even for one shot. He relented to Payne’s request after giving Palmer the tee box alone for three years.
“How did you do that?” Nicklaus said to Palmer, as if asking for advice.
“Keep your eye on the ball,” Palmer replied.
“And your head down,” Nicklaus added.
So, here we go. It should be a real humdinger.
Yeah, I went with humdinger. Big deal. You wanna fight about it?
Arnie & Jack get the Masters started [AP]
Happy 1st Birthday, Sportress of Blogitude!
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Who woulda thunk it, eh? That’s right, folks. Today is the first birthday of the Sportress of Blogitude. The first Wake N’ Blog was published on April 8, 2009 and look how far this humble little blog has come. We now receive thousands of pageviews an hour day week month, and things keep on getting better.
Nah, just kidding. To be honest, I am very proud of the remarkable amount of success the Sportress has achieved in one short year. Sure, there is plenty of work left to be done before I completely take over the internets and rule it with an iron, yet benevolent fist, but all the credit goes out to you guys who take a moment out of your hectic days to read my nonsensical, incoherent ramblings.
If you can think of anything that would improve the Sportress and your overall experience on the site, do not hesitate to let me know in the comments or shoot me an e-mail at weedgainstspeed@gmail.com. And no, suggesting that I go die in a fire and find another writer is not a worthwhile proposition.
Thanks for everything, guys and gals. And keep reading.
Here’s to another year.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Once again, we’re getting a late start here today due to my work over on With Leather, which was exemplary once again, by the way. But fear not, I intend to crank out a bunch of meaningless drivel for the remainder of the day, including one special announcement. Stay tuned. Of course, tips are always welcomed at weedgainstspeed@gmail.com. Grazie.
• When Erick Williamson was arrested last October after two women walking by his home saw him naked inside and insisted he was attempting to expose himself to them, he has repeatedly proclaimed his innocence. After appealing his conviction for misdemeanor indecent exposure in December, Williamson ultimately prevailed. It’s a red-letter day for people who stand butt-ass naked in front of a window while people drive by everywhere. God Bless America. [MSNBC/AP]
• The Daily Show, as usual, nailed Tiger Woods. Well, not in that way, of course. [Out of Bounds]
• Any post which discusses the Hooters Augusta Par 3 Masters Bikini Contest is getting a link. [Busted Coverage]
• KSK rakes Tiki Barber across the coals. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Speaking of Tiki, here are some photos of him with his little girlfriend. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Still speaking of Tiki, here are the Top 10 reasons he left his pregnant wife. [Five Tool Tool]
• Jay Mariotti was hated long before the blogosphere. [The Big Lead]
• Arnold Palmer has still got it. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Dear God, NHL players should not rap. [Tremendous Upside Potential]
• Milwaukee Bucks center Dan Gadzuric would not graduate from kindergarten. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Introducing William & Mary’s new mascot: the Griffin. [TAUNTR]
• Ladies and gentlemen, The Big Nowitzki. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Awesome: Voltron is on Hulu now. [Warming Glow]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Study: Shoving, Yelling Makes Things Go Faster 76% Of Time
Yeah, it looks like the whole “Climbing Up Your Teammate’s Back And Dunking” gambit did not go quite as planned. Nope, there would be no backboard shattering dunk a la The Cable Guy for this uncoordinated gal.
No, Kelsey (according to YouTube) is nothing like Britney Griner, the female basketball player phenom from Baylor. Briner would have totally punched that chick from the other team in the face for laughing at her.
Oh, and she can’t dunk worth crap either. Even with her teammate’s half-assed assistance. Seriously, what could they have possibly been thinking? Even with her teammate helping her, my guess is the girl still would have ended up about four feet short.
I award them zero points for appearance, zero points for song choice and another zero points for lip-sync ability.
Wait. That’s the scoring method for Puttin’ on the Hits. Nevermind.
[H/T Total Pro Sports]
(previously at the Sportress: Brittney Griner Couldn’t Be Finer After Giving Opposing Player A Shiner)
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Praise be to the gods: NSFWednesday is back with a vengeance, baby![Melt Your Face Off]
• If it couldn’t get any worse for the guy: Tiger Woods is now causing armed robberies. [Busted Coverage]
• Remember that adorable little kid who can recite the entire Herb Brooks’ speech from Miracle? He made an appearance at Fenway Park. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Not that we needed any additional evidence to state this confidently, but Tiki Barber is a ginormous douchebag. [With Leather]
• Hey, wait a second – Donovan McNabb has already met President Obama. [Mr. Irrelevant]
• My favorite: FCL Finishes the Headline. [Food Court Lunch]
• Butler head coach Brad Stevens was offered a job by David Letterman during his appearance on Dave’s show last night. [The Sporting Blog]
• Egad! Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan needs to start using sunscreen. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• One of Tiger’s bodyguards mistakenly accused a woman at Augusta of being a stripper. Oops. [Out of Bounds]
• Sam Bradford is subjected to KSK’s feature, Better Know A Draft Pick. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Mark Cuban is a violent man. Also, he’s a dick. [Bootlegger Sports]
• How dare someone make a t-shirt that has Sidney Crosby’s head on Sid Vicious’ body? The nerve! [PSAMP]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity
Would you like to get a link posted in “It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?” and double the pageviews on your blog? Send me a tip at weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Note: doubling of pageviews is only guaranteed if your blog averages 3-4 pageviews per day.
The parallels in the plot of the movie Beautiful Girls and the latest bombshell that Tiger once knocked boots with his neighbor, Raychel Coudriet are eerily similar, at least at the outset.
In 2002, Tiger Woods, like Timothy Hutton’s character in the film, Willie Conway, was at a crossroads in life. Having already conquered the golf world, Tiger retreats to the safety of home to gather himself. While reconnecting with friends and getting to know himself better – where he is, who he was, where he is going - Tiger befriends neighbor Raychel Coudriet (Marty in the film, portrayed by Natalie Portman), a bright-eyed, intelligent, beautiful teenage girl who considers herself an “old soul.” Troubled by the closeness he feels towards Raychel, and getting the indication that the young lady may be harboring inappropriate feelings for him, Tiger retreats from her, but always will treasure the time they spent together.
The narratives diverge from there. We never find out in the film what exactly happens to Willie and Marty in the future, but in Tiger’s case, he patiently bides his time for eight years, then proceeds the nail Raychel on a couch in his office while one of his children were sleeping in a crib nearby.
Very similar stories, indeed. Except for the uninhibited, “mechanical and unemotional” couch sex, that is. But other than that, totally the same.
Wait. One more similarity. Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t show up in the movie or in Tiger’s office and ruin and otherwise enjoyable couple of hours. That’s good, right?
Woods even slept with his neighbor’s young daughter near his ‘crib’: report [New York Post]
If at first you don’t succeed, fail, fail, then give up on bit.ly altogether and paste the entire damn url yourself.
At least that appears to be the philosophy behind Whitlock’s latest foray into online interaction with his followers. For some reason or another, Whitlock was having great difficulty utilizing bit.ly to link to a very important column on found on mediaite.com. Was it glitch? Maybe, but anytime a “glitch” is mentioned, it sounds exactly like when your old man calls you and says he can’t hear sound on a video one of his buddies forwarded to him. Usually, it’s not a glitch as he suspects. It’s more often than not he didn’t have his speakers turned on.
But I suspect a far more benign reason for Whitlock’s troubles. Greasy typing fingers, reasonably confirmed from a tweet by the Round Mound of Ground Round yesterday:
First there was the Gus Johnson Soundboard. Then came the Tiger Woods Soundboard. And both were hilarious and entertaining ways to amuse yourself when bored or hopped up on PCP. Sadly, like all great things, it gets taken too far, gets too played out, too popular, too commercialized. And once that line of acceptable use is breached, there is no going back to the way it was before.
What you see pictured below is a screencap from Seahawks Blog at The Seattle Times. What is it, you ask? It’s the T.J. Houshmandzadeh Soundboard, of course.
Dear God. Allow the person behind the Housh Soundboard, Danny O’Neil, explain:
There is a rhythm to the way T.J. Houshmandzadeh speaks that is almost lyrical. The deep voice, his inflections. There’s a charisma there not unlike what it was like to listen to Gary Payton. The grammar wasn’t always perfect, but the timing and pacing of the speech was.
So here’s some snippets from Houshmandzadeh that made me laugh in my interviews over the course of the past year. Maybe they’ll make you laugh, too.
Now I am not here to piss on this guy’s brass tacks, as the saying goes, he was simply amusing himself by hastily putting together the Housh Soundboard, and he clarifies that, so cut him some slack. Although he should have gone the extra mile and so we wouldn’t have to use our computers’ media players to listen to them. Still, I am sure Mr. O’Neil does fine work for the Times and will continue to do so for years to come. To put it kindly, he just happens to be the person – a unwitting pawn, if you will – that unknowingly brought the end of times to the Player/Announcer X Soundboard Internet Meme.
Hey, if it hadn’t been him, someone else would have most assuredly done it soon enough.
The Tao of Housh [Seahawks Blog]
(previously at the Sportress: Tiger Woods Soundboard, Anyone?)
The Slugger Formally Known As David Ortiz – maybe we should refer to him with a symbol like Prince. And considering his expletive-laden tirade last night after writers for various Boston media outlets questioned whether Ortiz should be pulled from the DH spot as well as beginning the season 0-for-7, perhaps it should be a combination of symbols – like #@!!%.
The profanity-laced diatribe, courtesy of CSNNE (via Big League Screw):
When asked how he felt at the plate, Ortiz was short and to the point without belaboring or betraying anything.
“I’ll be fine,” said Ortiz. “Of course. I wouldn’t be here [if I didn’t think I was about to break out]. It’s not time to start worrying about that [expletive]. Not yet.But Ortiz was pressed a bit, and asked if he thought it was fair people might automatically assume he’s destined for the same kind of two-month slump to begin this season as he suffered last summer.
That’s when the steam started coming out of Big Papi’s ears.
“Look dawg. I’m not talking. Let me finish,” said an animated Ortiz as he got dressed at his locker following the loss. “You guys just wait until [expletive] happens and then you guys talk [expletive].
“Two [expletive] games already and you mother [expletives] are going crazy. What’s up with that, man. [Expletive]. There’s 160 games left. Ain’t that a bitch.”
Dawg? Is Big Papi doing his best Randy Jackson imitation or something? If so, I wasn’t feeling it – it was a bit pitchy in spots, dude.
And look at all those expletives! It’s like the Play-At-Home-Edition of Scarface Mad-Libs, if there ever were such a thing.
Game on! David Ortiz and Red Sox media clash on second day [Big League Stew]
Big Papi Bleeping Telling Us It’s A Bleeping Long Season, Dawg [Big League Screw]
Big Papi blows off some steam after loss [CSNNE]
Down Goes Guido! Down Goes Guido!
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Life is tough for every member of the Klement’s Racing Sausages, the fellows who race around Miller Park in the bottom of the sixth inning during every Milwaukee Brewers home game, but Guido, the Italian Racing Sausage, had an especially rough go of it yesterday when he was run over by a police motorcycle Tuesday during an Opening Day parade.
Zapruder-like video of the heinous act after the jump.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Another late start today, as I was flexing my awesome blogger muscles once again over at With Leather. Don’t be afraid, blogger muscles don’t bite – unless I want them to. Send tips to weedgainstspeed@gmail.com and you might be spared.
• Assami Semde, a 19-year-old pizza deliverer in New York, fended off an armed robber during a delivery yet still managed to deliver the pizzas. Via the AP: “As Semde headed to the 27th floor, he came across two men in a hallway who started harassing him, saying they wanted a slice of pizza. Semde said no, that he had a delivery to make. But one of the men pulled out a gun and told him and Semde dropped the pies on the ground. As gunman reached down, Semde said he lunged at him, and toppled him off balance.” Nice. Now I love pizza, but no slice is worth tussling with some Noid-like criminal. [MSNBC/AP]
• Sidney Crosby’s new shoe commercial is annoying. No reason for it, really, the guy is just annoying. [Puck Daddy]
• William & Mary has chosen its new mascot: the Griffin. Stewie? [The Dagger]
• You can buy a piece of trash that Tiger’s ball once hit. Sweet. [FirstCuts]
• Donovan McNabb wants to meet Obama. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Apparently, Adam Corolla dissed Manny Pacquiao during a podcast and the boxer has forgiven him. He should have kicked his hairy ass. [You Been Blinded]
• Why this year’s NFL Draft will be even more boring to watch than usual. [Fanway]
• Count this scribe among the unhappy masses who despise the new version of “One Shining Moment.” [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Don’t ever steal Evan Longoria’s hat. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Some depressing example of crap you used to be able to get away with in college that you would have no chance of pulling off now. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: I’ve Left My Haltingly Awkward Voice Message; Now The Ball’s In Her Court
Via The Republican Journal (wha??):
The Chocolate Bunnies you see are running out fast. We have just 4 white chocolate bunnies left and 7 dark chocolate, both in various sizes.
Milk chocolate are in better supply but they will go fast tomorrow morning so shop early to get the best selection.
You snooze, you lose, you liberal elite bitches!
Fascinating stuff, I know. Let’s just move on, shall we?
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (April 6th)
Posted by:• The NHL season ends tonight? Why didn’t anyone tell me? [Melt Your Face Off]
• Combining two of my favorite things: baseball and grown man dressed as pirates. [Big League Stew]
• WoW features some of the new items you can stuff your face with this season at MLB ballparks. [Walkoff Walk]
• KSK writes about college basketball. Sort of. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Jennifer Hudson’s “One Shining Moment” sucked more balls than she has, which is a lot. [The Dagger]
• Duke’s Jon Scheyer is as dumb as a box of rocks, gives out cell phone number on Twitter. [Out of Bounds]
• Dumbass Angels fan wears dumbass glasses to celebrate opening day. What a dumbass. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Set a reminder in Outlook: Tiger Woods will be teeing off at 1:42 p.m. ET on Thursday! [Trailing Tiger]
• Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods exchange pleasantries at Augusta. You can feel the love. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Awesome. BDL landed an interview with Sam Cassell. My first question would have been: what is your home planet like? [Ball Don't Lie]
• Tackle a soccer referee in California, get charged with a felony. [Busted Coverage]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws
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