Archive for April, 2010
Courtesy of Clay Travis’ Twitter account (via Devil Ball Golf) comes a photo of Phil Mickelson and one of his daughters reportedly rolling through the Krispy Kreme drive thru. As Jay Busbee at DBG points out, how awesome is it that Phil is still sporting the green jacket the next morning? I wonder if he slept in the damn thing.
Now, it is certainly not my place to tell other people how to live their lives, especially as it pertains to dietary issues – I had a Bacon and Cheese Whopper for lunch today, for crying out loud – but with Phil’s problems with weight fluctuation, and how said weight seems to wind up on his chest, is feasting upon glazed donuts really the wisest choice?
I suppose he should be allowed one day to celebrate. But after that, it should be back to Special K bars for you, Man Tits!
[H/T @ClayTravisBGID (via Devil Ball Golf)]
To be honest, if you would have asked me a month ago who Heidi Montag was, I would have said, “Who?” If you then would have said, “She was on The Hills,” I would have replied “What now?” Then you would have become frustrated and said, “Screw this,” and I would have responded, “Come again?” And then you would have walked away in a huff. Jeez, man, mellow out, dude.
I didn’t become fully aware of this Heidi Montag-strosity until her addiction to plastic surgery was the subject of a cover story in People.
As an aside – don’t judge – my wife gets People and I find the soothing paparazzi images very conducive to…
Well, let’s put it this way, if my wife’s People magazine would have been purchased at Brentano’s, it would have been flagged in every database in town.
Getting back to my point – did I have a point? – not really, but seriously, look at that hot mess. At some point in her 83 plastic surgeries she ceased to be a woman and became some sort of breathing, semi-retarded sex doll.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing entirely, but come on. She looks ridiculous. And the thing is, from what I can gather, she was pretty smoking hot before she went under the knife.
Don Chavez has more images of her modeling her overly processed….uh…everything in a bikini. Take a look and judge for yourself.
Heidi Montag’s Bikini Was Screaming For Help [Don Chavez]
Mind-blowing stuff. I see the editors at the Boston Herald are now seeking inspiration for their compelling teasers by watching After-School Specials.
I have no idea why the Herald didn’t stick with the headline the Detroit Free-Press used for Albom’s column about the untimely death of Notre Dame recruit Matt James, “The real tragedy of a Notre Dame football recruit’s spring break death.” (Note: he has the good sense never to admit it, but Albom secretly believes the real tragedy is that James never had the opportunity to read Tuesdays With Morrie.)
It’s a shame I missed the headline when the Herald picked up the AP story regarding James’ autopsy. I’m sure it was something along the lines of “Five Story Plummet from Balcony a threat to living.”
I particularly enjoy Albom’s introductory sentences: “Matt James fell off a balcony. He died.” They remind me of Lisa Simpson’s “Meditations on Turning 8″ poem.
The real tragedy of a Notre Dame football recruit’s spring break death [Detroit Free Press]
Booze is a threat to teens [Boston Herald]
When you can’t get out of the inning,
Because you feel your bowels spinning,
Diarrhea! Chan Chan Chan!
When you’re pitching from the stretch,
And the odor makes you retch,
Diarrhea! Chan Chan Chan!
When you give up three hits and two earned runs
Because you have a case of the, uh, runs
Diarrhea! Chan Chan Chan!
When you could only get two outs
Because your anus became a doody spout
Diarrhea! Chan Chan Chan!
You’re teammates think it’s funny,
But it’s really dark and runny
Diarrhea! Chan Chan Chan!
[H/T Big League Stew, The 700Level, @JimmyTraina]
By no means do I wish to denigrate the heart-warming victory by Phil Mickelson at the Masters yesterday and the touching moment he shared with his wife Amy afterward, but the unfortunate byproduct of the feelgood hit of the Masters was that it gift-wrapped for every halfwit sportswriter from across the land a paint-by-numbers template (or would it be type-by-numbers?) for a throwaway column dealing with the juxtaposition of “Supportive, Dedicated Spouse” Phil Mickelson and the “Bad, Philandering Husband” Tiger Woods.
And not in the least bit surprising is that Reilly’s column on the topic, with the somewhat overreaching title, “Mickelson’s win a victory for women,” was exactly what we have come to expect from the sappy scribe.
And that’ s alright with me.
Move over, Allison Stokke, and make some room for UC Davis’ Vanessa Chin…on my futon! Hey, a boy can dream, right? And a futon is a perfectly functional, multiple-use piece of furniture, so enough with the smartass remarks, got it?
The drop-dead gorgeous pole vaulter is sure to help internet pervs the world over begin to get over the Stokke obsession. Hate to break it to you, guys, but despite what your dogs keep telling you, Allison Stokke is not dropping out of Cal and moving in with you. Frankly, no woman will, until you get rid of those jars of urine, man.
Moving on, big, BIG ups go out to Busted Coverage for their discovery of Miss Chin. Make sure you remember them when she is the biggest thing to hit the internets since Tay Zonday. We all owe them a tremendous debt of gratitude. Below is BC’s succinct bio of the Vanessa:
• She loves to pole vault
• Is a junior
• Loves God
• Loves to eat
• Is a golfer
• Has bikini photos
• Likes dogs
• Is in shape
Fantastic stuff. I have included one more photo of Chin below, but Busted Coverage has additional photos of the young lady, so do stop by their fine site and have a look-see, won’t you? Heh. Like I even had to suggest it.
UC Davis Pole Vaulter Vanessa Chin Is The New Allison Stokke [Busted Coverage]
Would you look at that? I can guarantee you that Cooke doesn’t want “more, more, more” of Evander Kane.
Big ups to Thrashers fan Fred Johnson (via Orland Kurtenblog) for the incredible image. If Atlanta Thrashers center Evander Kane would have punched him any harder, Pittsburgh Penguins winger Matt Cooke might have wound up with “Eyes Without A Face.” Or something. God, that sucked.
What didn’t suck was Kane’s “Rebel Yell”-like one-punch knockout of the Cooke during the Thrashers’ 1-0 win over the Pens on Saturday. With one mighty swing, Kane dropped Cooke like the proverbial bag of dirt, which must have felt like sweet, sweet retribution to Boston Bruins fans for Cooke’s dirty hit on last month on center Mark Savard when Cooke blindsided the Bruins center and ending his season – a vicious, dirty hit for which Cooke was not suspended, incidentally, which was a terrible injustice.
Video after the jump.
Hey Tiger, you suck, ya jackass!.
Well played, LSUfreek. Well played. Incorporating Elin into the Happy Gilmore scene was a brilliant touch.
Offsides: Phil Mickelson Crashes Tiger’s Comeback [The Sporting Blog]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. It’s a red letter day here in the Land of 10,000 Lakes at the Minnesota Twins open brand-spanking new Target Field today with a nationally televised game (if it doesn’t rain, that is – right now? Looking a little dicey) against the Boston Red Sox at…3:00? The hell? That’s real nice for all of us working stiffs. Well, I don’t actually do any real work, but still. Send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com
• He might as well get one last buzz in, right? A 42-year-old Vermont man showed up to prison to serve a two-day sentence for DUI drunk as a skunk and was ultimately arrested for another DUI. [MSNBC/AP]
• Jim Carrey took a shot at Elin Nordegren via Twitter on Friday, claims she had to be “a willing participant” in the cheating. Next up, Amy Mickelson’s so-called cancer. What’s he smmmmmokin? That’s a Mask joke. Rocky Dennis rules. [Out of Bounds]
• Let your cold, dead heart warm up a little bit and admit it was a nice moment when Amy and Phil embraced after he won. [Devil Ball Golf]
• The Toledo Walleye totally kicks ass over Detroit’s octopus. [Larry Brown Sports]
• YAY! LOLMLB is back. Thanks, fellas! [Walkoff Walk]
• I have no idea what the Sacramento Kings’ Tyreke Evans-themed video entitled tHarmony. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Blogger is also a Tim Lincecum impersonator. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Texas Stadium got all blowed up! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Do you want to win a date with Jeremy Shockey? You do? Homo. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The four most annoying female sports fans. Only four? [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Post Office Extends Hours To 3 A.M. To Attract Late-Night Bar Crowd
Apologies to all the Sportress die-hards (not a bad way to go, incidentally), but ol’ Weed is pulling a full shift over at With Leather today, so we’re shutting the Sportress down for the day.
But do not fret, young weedawans, you can still catch all of my blogging hilarity at WL today and as usual, I’ll be over at Out of Bounds for my weekend shift.
Have a great Saturday and Sunday, folks. Enjoy the Masters. See you Monday.
Obviously, this has been everywhere and anywhere today, but it is far too good not to make it a permanent part of the Sportress archives.
Instead of trying to incorporate a bunch of The Big Lebowski references into one incoherent paragraph, I’ll bullet point it for you Little Lebowski Urban Achievers.
- Nowitzki is tired of Cuban’s act. God damn you, Cuban! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about David Stern? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with David Stern? What the fuck are you talking about?
- Kobe as Jesus. What’s this day of rest shit? What’s this bullshit? I don’t fuckin’ care! It don’t matter to Kobe. But you’re not foolin’ me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don’t fool Kobe. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man – ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!
- Early playoff exit. I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this playoff, we got the fans all mad at us, and Cuban, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn’t do anything, huh?
- On ex-fiancée Crystal Taylor. I’ll tell you what I’m blathering about… I’ve got information man! New shit has come to light! And shit… man, she pregnancy tested herself. Well sure, man. Look at it… a young butt-ugly fiancée, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that’s cool… that’s, that’s cool, I’m, I’m saying, she needs money, man. And of course they’re going to say that they didn’t get it, because… she wants more, man! She’s got to feed the monkey, I mean uh… hasn’t that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?
- Shortly before the above drunken photo was taken. Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not “Mr. Nowitzki”. You’re Mr. Nowitzki. I’m the Dirk. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dirkness or uh, Dirker, or El Dirkerino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.
Fin.
[H/T With Leather, everywhere]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Some yahoo from the Toronto Star called Erin Andrews a bimbo. Internet Trolls, to your battle stations! [Guyism]
• Slovenian hockey team wins championship, beats the crap out of the coach. Wha? [Out of Bounds]
• If you don’t read Babes Love Baseball all of the time, first of all, you’re a tool. Secondly, you have been missing out on their MLB season previews, in Haiku form. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Audio has surfaced of the Kenyon Martin meltdown in the locker room after someone filled up his car with buttered popcorn as a practical joke on April Fool’s Day. Yowsers. [You Been Blinded]
• Have you heard about Tiger’s latest floozy? Her name is ESPN. [Bootlegger Sports]
• My internet friend Ryan Ballengee has published all the photos he took yesterday at Augusta. They’re awesome. [Waggle Room]
• Alyssa Milano released a new line of MLB clothing, and then modeled them. [Epic Carnival]
• Today in 1993, Nolan Ryan became the oldest man to ever start and win an opening day game. [Joe Sports Fan]
• So long, Keith Tkachuk. [Melt Your Face Off]
• It’s time for another KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• For $130, you can get yourself a set of Augusta National silverware. [FirstCuts]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils
With yours truly splitting time between the Sportress and With Leather this week, trying to adhere to my usual posting schedule has been erratic at best. Fortunately, in honor of the 1-year birthday of the Sportress, my good pal Shakey came to my assistance and wrote an entertaining little nug of a post for you readers. Consider yourselves incredibly fortunate as you prepare to read pure brilliance.
A regular feature on the now defunct satire blog Style Points was the Blank Slate, where Business_Socks and Shakey took boring athletes nobody knew anything about and gave their background information a little color. For the birthday of S.O.B., Shakey decided to dust off his blogging shoes and give it one more go.
Take it away, Shakey.
Not only are Ty Conklin and I alike in that we can both grow killer mustaches, we also appear to share similar tastes in music.
When Ty Conklin isn’t spending his time backing up Chris Mason as goaltender for the St. Louis Blues, you will probably find him kicking back, hanging out with the family and listening to some righteous music.
On Puck Daddy’s most recent edition of Puck Tracks, much like me, Conklin confesses that he secretly digs Lady Gaga’s music.
Of course, he qualifies it by saying he listens to Lady Gaga, especially “Paparazzi,” when he’s spending time with his children. Which is yet another way me and him are a lot alike: we both blame flaws and embarrassing stuff on our kids. For instance, right now, I cannot get enough of The Wiggles. Their timeless harmonies and melodies are just what the doctor ordered after a long day of blogging.
Me and you, Ty: simpatico, brother.
Puck Tracks: Blues’ Ty Conklin explains his love of Lady Gaga [Puck Daddy]
Despite their considerable power, the rulers of Augusta National Golf Club and their henchmen cannot control the sky above the course. This whimsical message to Tiger could be seen hovering above about the time Tiger teed off earlier this afternoon. Genius!
But what if Buddhism wasn’t Tiger’s current religion of choice/excuse? What if he belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints? Could you imagine how much it would have cost the wisenheimer to rent a plane to fly around with that banner trailing behind it? Not to mention coming up with some clever variation on the name.
Ooh! I got one. How about the “The Church of Jesus Christ! Baby Batter Face Paint!
Nah, that’s just terrible. But you can see where I am going with this.
[H/T Trailing Tiger]
