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Shocking: Hack Columnist From Boston Douchetardedly Declares Beantown America’s Best Sports City

Typically, one should attempt to curtail the white-hot rage which is caused by reading a Dan Shaughnessy-penned column, especially on the occasions (read: all the time) when his sticky man-love for the city of Boston is ejaculated all over the pages of the Boston Globe.

Usually, Shaughnessy reserves his boner for Boston sportswriting to the Globe, but today he utilized his gig at Sports Illustrated to announce to the entire S.I.-reading nation that Boston is the greatest sports town of all American cities. Why? Just so you don’t have to read the drivel yourself, I’ll summarize: because Boston’s winter sports teams are in the playoffs and the Red Sox played a game at Fenway while a bunch of people ran in a marathon. Oh, and the Patriots play a few miles outside of town. Can’t forget about them Patriots. I think that can be considered a crime against humanity under the collective bargaining agreement.

He begins:

Welcome to my town, Boston, Massachusetts. It’s quite simply the best sports city in the United States of America. Especially this week.

Care to argue?

Bring it on.

Wow! Tell me more, Dan Shaughnessy! No, wait. Don’t.

But I will, however, take a drill to your irritation bone and provide you with how the Redheaded Stepchild of Boston concluded his piece:

Truly, sports fans are blessed here in the Hub of the Universe. We’ve got shots heard round the world, every day.

What a friggin’ dickhead.

First of all, the fact that a city (or region, for the sake of argument here) has its two winter sports in the playoffs isn’t really that amazing. Given that there are now sixteen available spots in the playoffs between the NBA and NHL, the fact that a team qualifies for the playoffs isn’t necessarily as a momentous occasion as it once was years ago. In fact, it is more often looked upon as a failure when a team does not make it in, at least  within a period of two or three years.

Second, there were four other “Major League” sports towns (cities/regions with NBA, NHL and MLB teams – usually, an NFL team is part of the  criteria, but for the sake of my argument, it’s not relevant) that were represented in both the NFL and NBA playoffs this year:

  1. Los Angeles (Lakers, Kings, Dodgers, Angels – kind of);
  2. Chicago (Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs, White Sox);
  3. Denver (Nuggets, Avalanche, Rockies); and
  4. Phoenix (Suns, Coyotes, Diamondbacks)

Of cities that are considered “Major League,” eight towns have at least one representative participating in either the NHL playoffs of NBA playoffs. In the NBA, you have Charlotte (Bobcats), Miami (Heat), Atlanta (Hawks) and  Dallas (Mavericks) all competing. In the NHL, there is New Jersey (Devils) Washington (Capitals), Philadelphia (Flyers) and Detroit (Red Wings). Of “Major League” towns according to the above criteria that do not have either winter sport participating in either playoffs, there is only New York (no Rangers, Islanders or Knicks) and…Minnesota (no Wild or Timberwolves). Crap, thanks for reminding me.

Granted, it certainly is exciting when both teams are simultaneously participating in the playoffs while baseball season is just beginning, but it happens all the time, and it is hardy a sufficient enough reason to moronically declare a city to be the best sports town in the nation.

And who gives a crap about the Boston Marathon? Not me.

Oh yeah, f**k the Patriots, too. And f**k you, Dan Shaughnessy, you dickbag.

America’s best sports city? That honor belongs to Boston [S.I.]

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