Life is tough for every member of the Klement’s Racing Sausages, the fellows who race around Miller Park in the bottom of the sixth inning during every Milwaukee Brewers home game, but Guido, the Italian Racing Sausage, had an especially rough go of it yesterday when he was run over by a police motorcycle Tuesday during an Opening Day parade.
Zapruder-like video of the heinous act after the jump.
Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Yeesh. That was ugly. Obviously, a racing sausage is sufficiently familiar with being chewed up and spit out – that’s how they are born – but such a heartless display of mistreatment is almost too much to bear.
Master Rick Chandler, my esteemed colleague over at Out of Bounds, speculated earlier that some mastermind must have been behind the attempting offing of Guido the Italian Sausage. Rick has whittled down his list of suspects to seven and they are:
* Bud Selig. Was this his feeble attempt to swing the spotlight back to MLB after the Donovan McNabb trade ruined Monday’s Opening Day?
* Chorizo. It was no secret that he was envious of the Sausage, and indeed of all Italian cured meats.
* Dave Bush. As a child, was often beaten with pork products.
* Chief of Police Edward A. Flynn. As a longtime local icon, Sausage knew too much. If he ever decided to talk, his tale of corruption could lead all the way to the top.
* Prince Fielder. Undulating, elongated casing had ruined more than one diet. Stupid sexy Italian Sausage.
* Tiger Woods. Golfer enjoyed playing “hide the sausage” with more than just women.
* Pirate Parrot. Once vowed to finish what Randal Simon started.
Wow, who could it have been? As Ned Flanders would say, this is a dilly of a pickle, which incidentally is one suspect who isn’t on the list.
Ladies and gentlemen, my leading suspect in the attempted murder of Guido the Italian Sausage is:
The mascot for Gedney Pickles!!
His motivation for the crime? Nothing really, it’s just the guy is always filled with piss and vinegar.
The Italian Sausage is down! Mascot accident captured in dramatic video [Out of Bounds]
Racing Sausage Collides With Motorcycle [ABC News]