Archive for March, 2010
Forget about what the Associated Press is reporting. TMZ? Shameless, self-promoting famewhores. And the AFP? Screw those French bastards. Your resident newshound here at the Sportress has the most inside of inside scoops on when Tiger Woods will return to competitive golf. I have been sitting on this powder keg of breaking news for far too long, so here goes:
My sources tell me that when Tiger Woods tees off in the first round of a PGA tournament – which will likely be on a Thursday, I have heard – that will mark the moment of the golfer’s official return to the PGA Tour.
And since I can guarantee this with 100% certainty, you can take that fact to the bank, baby!
AP sources: Woods likely to return at Masters [AP]
Tiger Woods — Major Clue in Golf Comeback [TMZ]
Speculation grows over Woods return to golf [AFP]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. If you have something interesting you would like to see in Wake N’ Blog send it to me at weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. It’s the right thing to do.
• Well, that’s a load of bull crap. A 24-year-old nurse in Amsterdam was fired by a 42-year-old disabled man in her care after she refused to provide him sexual gratification as other nurses previously had, prompting the woman to file a complaint and the nurse’s union to take action. “The union, NU’91, is calling the campaign “I Draw The Line Here,” with an advert that features a young woman covering her face with crossed hands,” because the nurses do not feel providing sexual services to patients should be part of their job description. Times, they are a-changin’. [MSNBC/Reuters]
• My pal Gourmet Spud completes his in-depth report with Part IV of IV detailing the scams he has fallen for. [Food Court Lunch]
• Why the concept of “Floating Realignment” in the MLB may be the dumbest idea the league has ever come up with. [The Sporting Blog]
• Does whether or not Ernie Els wins another golf tournament do anything for you? [Devil Ball Golf]
• The Ole Miss team bus parked on top of a live land mine at the SEC tournament. Seriously. [Busted Coverage]
• Providing reasons why your office NCAA Tournament pool is the root of all evil. [Out of Bounds]
• The fellas at KSK posted their weekly sex/fantasy football mailbag yesterday and they would like the men writing in to grow some balls. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Top 10 reasons Tiger Woods hired Ari Fleischer. [Five Tool Tool]
• Photographic evidence that an unknown college football player is faster than the Road Runner. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• The Taiwanese love them some Manny Ramirez. [Big League Stew]
• Former Chinese basketball player Mengke Bateer is now kicking ass as an actor in the Chinese Film Industry. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• 15 hilarious examples of people sleeping when they shouldn’t be. [Uncoached]
•The Onion Headline of the Day: Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With A 20-Foot Python (Video)
Ah, who am I kidding? I would trust her implicitly and believe anything she said as long as she talked to me.
Allow me to introduce to you Miss Brittany Kirby, S.I.’s Cheerleader of the Week. She is a junior at the University of North Carolina majoring in Psychology (BS) and Exercise and Sports Science (BA). A double major, eh? I suppose with the education she receives, Brittany could tell me the underlying psychological reasons why I never exercise, but I suppose it wouldn’t require said education to ascertain that I am an extremely lazy person with severe motivational issues, among others.
Of all the Cheerleaders of the Week I have profiled, Brittany appears to be by far the most girly-girl of them all, which is really saying something.
A few of her responses to “20 Questions”:
If I had to watch one movie on loop forever, it would be: Sweet Home Alabama
GAH!
The shows I DVR/TiVo are: Grey’s Anatomy, Gossip Girls, and Desperate Housewives
Double GAH!
My worst habit is: I block everything out when I’m texting.
What did I tell you? A girly-girl through and through.
My celebrity crush is: Penn Badgley
Okay, who in the fuck is that?
And finally:
The worst date I’ve ever been on was: I went out to eat with my boyfriend of 1 ½ years and he decided to fill out a card for me for some contest. After a couple minutes, he handed me the card and said “You fill out the rest.” Needless to say he had forgotten my birthday, which is why he gave me the card when that question came up.
To be honest, I have used this line before regarding these lovely young ladies’ comments about their worst dates, but I’ll use it here again:
Brittany, lose the zero and get with the hero. No, not me. Didn’t I just mention that I am a total lazy-ass?
Cheerleader of the Week: North Carolina’s Brittany Kirby [Extra Mustard]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (March 11th)
Posted by:
• Best. Misleading. Headline. Ever. [Guyism]
• Why Tiger Woods hiring Ari Flescher may not be the greatest idea. [Out of Bounds]
• The ESPN ombudsman guy finally weighed in on the Tony Korneiser suspension. [The Big Lead]
• The Erin Andrews Twitter account is a hit. Surprise, surprise. [Busted Coverage]
• 1920s reporter guy interviewed Alex Ovechkin. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• It was on this day in 1986 that the NFL adopted instant replay. Sure they abandoned it in 1992, but it came back. It came back. [Total Pro Sports]
• A vice president for ESPN decided to get involved in the Bill Simmons-Keith Olbermann cat fight. [Deadspin]
• Remember when Dan Orlovsky, then with the Detroit Lions, famously stepped out of the back of the endzone before attempting a pass? Check out how he autographed a photo of his gaffe. [With Leather]
• Lamar Odom didn’t marry that Kardashian broad to sell t-shirts. Good to know. [Ball Don't Lie]
• It was pretty obvious that the ESPN.com page that made its way around the tubes yesterday announcing that Donovan McNabb was traded to the 49ers was a total fake. [Shutdown Corner]
• Padraig Harrington explains the difference between Britain and Ireland. It’s all right there on the map, people. [Devil Ball Golf]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: I Didn’t Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me ‘Mister’
For those readers out there not from the great state of Minnesota, it would be difficult to adequately explain to you the passion we Minnesotans feel for our beloved high school hockey tournament. Since 1945, every March, high school teams from every corner of the state have made the arduous journey to Saint Paul to participate in the MSHSL Boys State High School Hockey Tournament. Sure, the location of the tourney has changed from the St. Paul Auditorium to the St. Paul Civic Center then over to the Target Center in Minneapolis for two years then back to St. Paul and Xcel Energy Center. But despite the changes in scenery, to say it’s kind of a big deal around thse here parts would be an understatement.
That’s what makes what happened to Alexandria defenseman Zach Van Orsdel so heartbreaking. Here was his One Shining Moment, the experience he would one day tell his grandchildren about – here he was, getting introduced along with his teammates on the ice of Xcel Energy Center.
Then, wipeout.
You have to give the kid credit. He got up, took it in stride and flashed a big smile. Good on him. That doesn’t mean he won’t hear about it for the rest of his life. Poor ginger bastard.
Video: Minnesota high school player wipes out in opening intros [Puck Daddy]
As much as the residents of Milledgeville try to deny it, you know they are just loving the notoriety the town and its residents have been experiencing ever since the Roethlisberger alleged sexual assault case broke. The sleepy little college town has been swarmed by media and likely even some twisted, slack-jawed gawkers who want to take a piss in the bathroom where the alleged sexual assault took place.
Along with this newfound notoriety comes the added thrill of being tangentially connected with the incident. And if you happen to be a person who can perhaps shed some light – a first-hand account of the events, perhaps – on the scandal, all the better. It might even land you the opportunity to be interviewed exclusively by some big time media member.
That’s where young Miss Kaylie Reeves comes into the picture. Kaylie was Roethlisberger’s bartender at the watering hole he hung out in before Big Ben stumbled on down to Capital City, the den of iniquity which I am certain Roethlisberger wishes he had never stepped foot in.
Because of her “connection” to the events of that night, this Kaylie Reeves gal was interviewed by Pittsburgh radio station 970 The Fox. And guess what? She had absolutely nothing of substance to add to the topic, which is shocking since, you know, she wasn’t even at the establishment where the alleged sexual assault occurred. So how could she provide any substantive insight, you ask? It doesn’t matter. Due to her just barely being relevant to the story – but close enough for media members clamoring for some angle – and the fact that she agreed to do an interview, Miss Kaylie Reeves is now an involved party. I suspect she will not be the last resident of Milledgeville, Georgia to assume their role in the madness, either.
Simply to illustrate how far the media is willing to go in their efforts to magically land the inside scoop, even when they have to know there is virtually no chance of that occurring, here are a few nuggets from Kaylie’s interview with 980 The Fox (via Sports Radio Interviews):
On what she noticed, if anything, about Ben Roethlisberger’s behavior during the time she saw him in her establishment:
“Well he came in between 10:30 and 11. It was the early hours when there was maybe 10 patrons in the bar at that time. He walked in with him and 7 other guys; they all got drinks, they sat at a table and watched the basketball game. They were here for maybe 15-20 minutes, finished their drinks, then they were on their way – before anyone had become aware that he was in town. Then once people became aware, there’s large windows in front of our establishment, you could see the people rushing to the bar that he was at.”
On if the town is shaken up over this and on if the community will at all struggle rebounding from the alleged incident:
“A lot of people thought it was actually comical, laughing about how Milledgeville has become this big deal just because of this one little incident. I don’t think people are upset, we have been busier in our restaurant than we were previously before the incident. So that’s helped our business, that’s been a plus side of it.”
Wow. Positively enlightening. Thanks for the info, Kaylie. While it’s certainly not her fault that someone came looking for a story, do you think that for a moment she considered how ridiculous this all was or do you think she was just enjoying her moment in the spotlight?
Yeah, the spotlight for sure. I can’t say I blame her. I probably would have done the same thing in her shoes.
Kaylie Reeves, Bartender To Big Ben On The Night Of His Alleged Incident, Shares What She Knows About Last Thursday Night [Sports Radio Interviews]
Does that makes sense? If I added that said sportswriter was Dan Shaughnessy, would that help? Yes? Thought so.
Nomar? More like, “No More!” am I right, Dan? I bet if you were to ask the the official spokesperson for the Red-Headed Stepchildren Who Were Far Too Repugnant To Beat Society for his knee-jerk thoughts on the once patron saint of Red Sox Nation, it would have been as hackneyed and unoriginal as the previous sentence.
As hard as he tried not to, Shaughnessy could not stand idly by and allow Nomar to return to the loving embrace of the Boston Red Sox organization to announce his retirement without being “the fly in the punchbowl here.” He comes out with both guns blazing – unfortunately, said guns must have been on safety – in his column, “In historically bad taste here,” which appeared The Boston Globe today.
Indeed.
“…but yesterday’s lovefest involving Nomar Garciaparra and the Red Sox was truly nauseating. If Nomar had been hooked up to a polygraph, the machine would have exploded.
Exploding polygraph? Who has ever heard of such a thing? This Nomar fellow must be the lying-est liar who has ever lied! He’s blowing up machines!
Please continue on for some more well-deserved, yet delicious, Shaughnessy haterade. It’s good for ya.
Goodnight, sweet prince.
NFL Hall of Famer Merlin Olsen has sadly passed away at the age of 69 after a battle with mesothelioma.
Olsen was a member of the “Fearsome Foursome” defensive line of the Los Angeles Rams which also featured Deacon Jones, Lamar Lundy and Rosey Grier. Olsen was also a 14-time Pro Bowler and was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1982.
But the gentle giant was perhaps even more well-known for his post-football career. Olsen effortlessly made the transition to color commentator on AFC broadcasts on NBC, working with who would become a longtime friend, Dick Enberg.
But I will perhaps remember Merlin Olsen even more for his television acting work and spokesperson duties. Who can forget his portrayal of cantankerous Mister Edwards on Little House on the Prairie or later in his role as Mark Gordon, once again working with Michael Landon, on Highway to Heaven? I can even recall from a young age his work as spokesman for STD Flowers? You know, that company who would provide the much-needed service of lessening the blow when you had to inform that special someone in your life that you gave them gonorrhea by delivering beautiful floral arrangements?
Yeah, that was nice.
(waiting for it, waiting for it)
Olsen, Hall of Famer and member of ‘Fearsome Foursome,’ dies [NFL.com]
During his tenure as Minnesota Vikings head coach, Brad Childress has become known as something of a wordsmith. Sure, in some instances, it’s a disturbing and nonsensical variety of wordsmith-ery, but he’s usually a good quote, which considering the dry, humorless demeanor he presented when he first arrived in Minnesota, has helped him come across as a borderline-endearing personality.
And then there are other times when Childress goes a little too far with his analogies and you are left sufficiently creeped out with how he tries too hard to articulate something. I am talking so creeped out and disturbed that you feel the need to take a shower while paging through The Yale Book of Quotations for some mental cleansing afterward.
The big Vikings-related news here in the Twin Cities is the team’s pursuit of free agent running back LaDainian Tomlinson. By all accounts, it appears to be a done deal, but Childress was in rare form yesterday while explaining to St. Paul Pioneer Press columnist Bob Sansavere just what occurred when he and Tomlinson had a meet and greet over a meal yesterday in the Twin Cities.
“I think probably he’s coming in, touching and tasting us, and we’re doing the same thing to see where his mind is at.”
Wait, what? Touching and tasting? What does that even mean? I cannot see why someone would ever dream of going with “touching and tasting” as a means to explain how a “getting to know you” process goes.
Childress says he’s all about clarity in defining a role for Tomlinson [St. Paul Pioneer Press]
Thankfully, Brad Childress doesn’t have to sing for his supper [Out of Bounds]
Leave it to white people to come in and ruin everything. The University of Maryland-Eastern Shore and Delaware State are considered two of the power programs in women’s bowling in the Mid-Eastern Athletic Conference (MEAC). Throughout its history, the MEAC has been comprised of traditionally black colleges and universities.
In a lengthy piece for The Washington Post, Jon Brand examined the trend of white students filling up spots on the bowling teams at these institutions of higher learning. And he came out with some interesting observations, which shouldn’t be surprising at all, because bowling is so awesome and stuff.
Bowling was thought to be an excellent way to grow women’s sports in the conference, and a relatively inexpensive way at that. When the NCAA began to accept bowling as a legitimate competitive sport, the United States Bowling Congress stepped in and told schools that the start-up costs to develop a bowling program were minimal: between $20,000 and $25,000. By 2001, all twelve schools within the MEAC had women’s bowling programs. But once the bowling programs began to get their footing, the colleges saw the proportion of white students increase, which is exactly the opposite of what they suspected would occur.
“When the schools got involved, they thought bowling was a predominantly black sport, but that turned out to be a misconception,” Brummell said. “One of the NCAA reps asked me why so many [historically black colleges] were starting programs and I told him I didn’t know. I don’t think it’s a sport that the black community has traditionally had success in.”
Interesting. I am no great bowling mind – but a team I was on did win the league title back in 1998 (good times, heady times) – but when I can’t find my remote and bowling is on ESPN, I cannot once recall seeing a black professional bowler on the Lumber Liquidators PBA Tour. Not that my limited experience should be considered an indicator of anything, but it seems to me that if you were to ask most people, they would say that bowling is a predominantly white sport.
In any event, here is the state of women’s college bowling in the MEAC: 30% of the bowlers competing are non-black, a statistically-significant increase over the general student population at these schools. But in the more successful programs, the proportion of white bowlers is even higher: UMES currently has no black bowlers on its team and Delaware State has only two.
But most importantly, the bowling programs at MEAC schools have been a tremendous success. The programs have boosted interest in women’s sports and increased diversity and enrollment at the schools. Who knew bowling could accomplish so many wonderful things?
And for some reason or another, I could really go for a White Russian right about now. Maybe all of this bowling talk is causing me to think of The Dude, but it’s much more likely that it is simply because I have a raging alcohol problem.
Bowling increases diversity at MEAC’s historically black colleges and universities [The Washington Post]
Tim Tebow Is As Dumb As A Box Of Rocks
Posted by:
Well, as far as results of his Wunderlic test are concerned. But you know what they say, standardized tests like the Wunderlic have been known to be notoriously biased against Christians.
Yep, not only is Tebow lagging far behind other draft-eligible quarterbacks in the, you know, actually being able to play the position department, Mister Perfect scored a measly 22 on the Wunderlic, which is considered below average. For quarterbacks entering the draft, the average score is 24. Even worse for Tebow, when the Wonderlic test is used as a barometer for future success in the NFL, there’s this statistic: the last seven Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks averaged 30.1 on the test.
What makes Tebow’s test results even curiouser is he considered something of a dynamo during his academic career at the University of Florida.
Tebow, though, was celebrated for his academic as well as athletic achievement during his four years at Florida. In 2009 he won the National Football Foundation’s William V. Campbell Trophy, otherwise known as the “Academic Heisman,” for his success on the field, in the classroom and community leadership.
Tebow graduated Florida with a 3.66 GPA as a Family, Youth and Community Services major, and he is a three-time member of the SEC Academic Honor Roll and a two-time First Team Academic All-American.
That leaves only two conclusions: either the University of Florida is a below-average university or the Wunderlic test is bullshit.
Or could it be a little of both?
Paper: Tim Tebow lags behind other top QB prospects on Wonderlic [USA Today]
Tim Tebow scores below average on NFL’s Wonderlic test [The Palm Beach Post]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Here in Minnesota, the rain is beginning to wash all the goddamn snow away, which means golf season is approaching fast. W00t! Now that you know about the weather in my neck of the woods (I know you were dying to know), why don’t you send me some tips at weedagainstspeed@gmail.com?
• Dubbed “funky chickens,” there seems to be an epidemic of chickens with sexual identity issues. “Now researchers have figured out the cause of the gender-confusing traits: Half of their bodies are full of female sex cells, while the other half contains mostly male cells.” Huh. Instead of funky chickens, we should just call them “Bonos.” Pshaw! [MSNBC/AP]
• The Green Bay Packers might be coming out with an alternate jersey. Will you be able to get it in #4? [Shutdown Corner]
• According to former Jaguar Tony Boselli, being a fan of the team is a person’s “civic duty.” [The Sporting Blog]
• An alleged mistress of Tiger Woods says he was better than Michael Jordan in bed. [Out of Bounds]
• The fellas at KB do a wonderful job of unraveling the mystery of the missing Sidney Crosby hockey equipment, which has now been found by the way. Call of the hounds! [Orland Kurtenblog]
• Indeed, the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant was a momentous event in pop culture history. [Busted Coverage]
• The Top 10 reasons the most recent Ben Roethlisberger scandal is nothing to worry about. [Five Tool Tool]
• Promotional commercials for the Boston Bruins featuring Bruins Bear are hilarious. [The Legend Of Cecilio Guante]
• Living room boxing rules. Watch this guy get knocked out and piss himself. [Total Pro Sports]
• The New Jersey Nets promise “Something New in 2011.” If it’s not “don’t suck balls,” I don’t see how this is going to help. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Good news for beer snobs: although beer sales are down, craft beer sales are up 10%. I like beer. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• I will link to any post entitled, “Secret Dwarf Hooker, Part 2″ every time. [FilmDrunk]
• Ladies and gentlemen, Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins playing Twister. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (March 10th)
Posted by:• CBS has released announcer pairings for the NCAA tournament! Yes! It’s almost here, people. [Awful Announcing]
• Disgraced track star Marion Jones has joined a WNBA team. Yep. [With Leather]
• Nomar Garciaparra has announced his retirement. Wait. He wasn’t retired already? [The Sporting Blog]
• The horny spring training photographer has struck again! [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• A high school basketball team has six buzzer beater wins this season. [Guyism]
• Twin Cities newspaper thinks Washington’s baseball team is called the Nationals. [Big League Stew]
• Matt Cooke will not be suspended for blindsiding Marc Savard. Makes sense. Savard is still alive, right? [Puck Daddy]
• The “Always Enjoyable Inflatable John Terry Mistress Doll” is a delight for the entire family. [Out of Bounds]
• Twins infielder Nick Punto said he would like to endorse male-enhancement product Extenze. [Walkoff Walk]
• They make Montreal Canadiens Oreos? [Four Habs Fans]
• A delightful story of a “threatening” confrontation on a golf course. [Waggle Room]
• Ladies and gentlemen, the Big Lebowski Morality Continuum. [FilmDrunk]
• Nashville Predators defenseman Denis Grebeshkov will be out several weeks after testicle surgery. That ain’t good. [Total Pro Sports]
Torii Hunter is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore.
Now that the backlash regarding his comments are coming from all angles, Hunter would just like to point out that he’s not too pleased with how his comments have been portrayed when he labeled darker-skinned Latin American players as “imposters.” The comments, originally published in the USA Today , have stirred up quite a controversy for the Angels center fielder regarding some statements Hunter made during a recent panel discussion in which he took part. In case you somehow missed them, Hunter’s comments were as follows:
“People see dark faces out there, and the perception is that they’re African American,” Los Angeles Angels center fielder Torii Hunter says. “They’re not us. They’re impostors.
“Even people I know come up and say, ‘Hey, what color is Vladimir Guerrero? Is he a black player?’ I say, ‘Come on, he’s Dominican. He’s not black.’ ”
“As African-American players, we have a theory that baseball can go get an imitator and pass them off as us,” Hunter says. “It’s like they had to get some kind of dark faces, so they go to the Dominican or Venezuela because you can get them cheaper. It’s like, ‘Why should I get this kid from the South Side of Chicago and have Scott Boras represent him and pay him $5 million when you can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips?’
“I’m telling you, it’s sad.”
I can tell you what it is, but I cannot say with any certainty why anyone thought this would be a good idea.
The travesty in video located above is a bunch “[n]otable North Texas athletes, mayors, and personalities” doing their part for the North Texas Super Bowl XLV Host Committee to scare the living shit out of anybody who views this…thing. This is like that videotape in The Ring, only instead of dying after viewing it, you want to kill yourself. Or at least gouge out your eyeballs and stick letter openers into your ears. All I know is after watching that trainwreck there is no way I can go out in public looking like this.
