Archive for March, 2010
Justin Cook, a touring professional who played a couple of practice rounds last week at Tavistock Country Club, stated that Tiger was striking the ball as well as he ever has and if he plays like that at Augusta, he sees no reason why Tiger cannot win The Masters.
“From what I’ve seen the last three days with his ball-striking … first.
“I don’t see anybody hit the ball like he does. It was vintage. If he takes that game up there, I’d be hard-pressed to see anybody beating him.”
So, let me get this straight, if Tiger plays as well as he played when he won The Masters four other times, this Cook fellow believes he can win it again.
Mind blowing stuff. You could say the same thing about me. For example: “If Weed Against Speed brings a golf game similar to how ‘Vintage Tiger’ has played at Augusta the years he won The Masters, Weed Against Speed could very well win the whole damn tournament.”
The redundancy of that statement aside, what other insight does Cook have about Tiger, given he spent an extended period of time with him last week on the course, presumably a place Tiger would feel most at ease?
If you guessed that said insight could be summed up from a quote by “rocker” Sammy Hagar (I love when people refer to musicians as “rockers”), you would be correct:
“You could tell by his eyes there was something in there,” Cook said. “But I don’t need him to say anything to me. As (rocker) Sammy Hagar said – it’s my favorite quote of all-time – ‘What is understood doesn’t need to be discussed.’ … He’s not handcuffed around us. We don’t talk about what’s going on. We don’t want to know.”
Far out. At the same time, in light of the kinky shit Tiger was reportedly into while spending time with his ladyfriends, maybe there was a better way of illustrating that Tiger appeared to be at ease than going with the “he’s not handcuffed around us” line. Just a thought.
Cook: Vintage Tiger could win Masters [Fox Sports]
You may recall all the hullabaloo last year regarding the Fifth-Third Burger (above) that was available for purchase and subsequent three-week digestion period at Western Michigan Whitecaps games. For those of you who missed it, the Fifth-Third Burger consisted of “five one-third pound hamburger patties, chili, nacho cheese, Fritos, salsa, lettuce, tomato and sour cream on an 8-inch sesame seed bun.”
Mmmm…ravenous over-gorging…
Well, that testament to gastrointestinal gluttony was a great jumping-off point for the two new items that will be available from the Whitecaps beginning April 11th at Fifth Third Ballpark. The two new items were selected out of a possible ten gutbomb disasters after more than 23,000 votes were cast by folks who appear to be more than happy to go along with it while a minor league baseball team’s concession stands slowly kill them.
Behold, in first place with 6,984 votes, the Cudighi Yooper Sandwich:
Sidney Crosby: Still Douchebaggin’ It
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Day after day, it becomes harder and harder not to despise that petulant turd Sidney Crosby more and more.
Above is video of yet another example, despite the erroneous belief that Crosby is one of the NHL’s “Good Guys” who plays the game the “right way,’ of how Sidney Crosby is just a little bitch when it comes to the way in which he goes about his business.
With 12.5 seconds remaining in the game and the Penguins down two goals, Crosby repeatedly cross checks Henrik Zetterberg time and time again until the Red Wings center decided he had enough of that bullshit and begins to mix it up with the Golden Child. Oh dear! Perhaps Crosby was upset at the fact Zetterberg outplayed him last night, as he contributed on every Red Wings goal, scoring two and adding an assist in Detroit’s 3-1 victory.
Even better was the fact that Red Wings goaltender Jimmy Howard got into the fracas, giving Crosby an epic face wash as Zetterberg and Crosby were going after each other.
Video follows:
Might as well call a spade a spade, right? There’s little reason to cover Erin Andrews’ debut on Dancing With The Stars other than for the interest (and subsequent pageviews) it generates. Sad but true. And a little sexy as well.
Overall, I would have to say that Miss Erin’s first performance was a successful one in that 1) she looked great; 2) she danced well (I think); 3) I imagine it drew in viewers who normally wouldn’t watch the show (like me, who has never seen one minute of the show until last night); and 4) I couldn’t find my pants afterward.
And if you’re like me, not being able to find your pants after something is a pretty good sign you enjoyed it. Except for when it happens at the dentist’s office. That ain’t good.
Video of our favorite sideline reporting princess shaking her groove thang after the jump.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. No, I didn’t watch Dancing With The Stars last night but I heard good things about Buzz Aldrin’s performance. For instance, he didn’t die during it. That’s nice. Send tips and complaints regarding my deplorable ageist attitudes to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• David Dolan, a forty-eight-year-old Colorado State Trooper was arrested Monday for suspicion of drunken driving while armed and on duty and driving a police car after numerous people reported that a State Patrol car being driven erratically. James Wolfinbarger, the chief of the State Patrol, when asked whether Dolan might be suffering from post-traumatic stress related to issues at work, replied, “This is a very difficult job. … There are clearly years of accumulated stress.” Alrighty then. [MSNBC/AP]
• Speaking of DWTS, Erin Andrews debut was prettay, prettay, prettay, prettay good. [The Big Lead]
• Here are some photos of Jay Glazer uploaded to Twitter of him partying down with Saints head coach Sean Payton. Killer outfits, man. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Misery loves company when it comes to completely fucked NCAA brackets. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Egad! Joe Mauer’s agent, Ron Shapiro, has a terrible hairpiece. [Bugs & Cranks]
• The fellas at WoW fire up the cliché tracker and discuss how Joe Mauer’s contract signing was “good for baseball.” [Walkoff Walk]
• Monday Morning Punter pinch hits for Big Daddy Drew for the weekly Peter King column takedown and performs admirably. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Hockey fights are still cool, correct? Damn right they are. [With Leather]
• Making some sense out of the Tony Kornheiser-Lance Armstrong feud. [Out of Bounds]
• A couple is walking the world’s longest golf course for charity. They should probably golf it, too, just for kicks. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Are Michigan Wolverines fans scared of the dark? Maybe. [The Sporting Blog]
• One thing we can take from Tiger’s interviews: chastity bracelets are much better than chastity belts, for obvious reasons. [Food Court Lunch]
• You can buy a chunk of sod from Citizen’s Bank ballpark. Sweet! [The700Level]
• Sorry, a post with the title, “Serbian Machete Sex? Serbian Machete Sex” deserves a look-see. [FilmDrunk]
• Here are the best of the worst fight scenes ever. [Uncoached]
• Seth McFarlane did an animated Priceline Negotiator commercial. [TV Sqaud]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation’s Bigots Report
Lame. Nice hat, guy. I wonder if he sneered when the photographer told him he had to take off his Che Guevara t-shirt. And I can almost guarantee he’s wearing a pair of Converse All-Stars, or even worse, Doc Martens.
Ugh.
Well, if you still think it’s a clever shirt (which it may be) despite this dude – who is “totally cool but in a completely ironic way” – sporting it, you can purchase it at Karmaloop.com for $32. Although you could probably buy a couple cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon instead. It’s up to you, really.
[H/T FirstCuts]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (March 22nd)
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• Misery loves company. The Detroit Lions and Pacman Jones are made for each other. [Shutdown Corner]
• Samer gets back on the blogging attack and grades the offseason free agent acquisitions up to this point. Nice ot have you back, man. [Second-String Fullback]
• Here’s what you missed while watching basketball all weekend. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The boys at WoW knock it out of the park with their “This Tweet in Baseball” posts. See? Baseball reference. [Walkoff Walk]
• Strange things are afoot at Circle ESPN and it involves a huge meeting with all the on-air talent. [The Big Lead]
• Dubai is set to open the most opulent horse racing track ever designed. Still smells like horse poo, though. [Out of Bounds]
• It’s Monday, that means it’s time for another edition of Weekend at Bettman’s. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Hey Spud, it’s all good. Any reason to post old wrestling videos is good enough for me. [Food Court Lunch]
• My buddy (well, I think he’s my buddy) Ryan Ballengee writes a “comprehensive” and “exhaustive” piece on the Tiger Woods interviews. Brilliant work. [Trailing Tiger]
• Wait. Tom Brady is pregnant? Is that possible? Crazy shit, man. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• The NHLPA is catching some slack for their headshot counterproposal. [Puck Daddy]
• Bar Refaeli was in some magazine. She looked nice. [Don Chavez]
• These people are easily the hippest homeless people ever. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: We Almost Go Inside The Mind Of Tim Burton But Then We Were Like ‘Eh’
After hinting to some big news Sunday, Michelle Wie let the cat out of the bag earlier today on her Facebook page that she recently shot a commercial for McDonald’s, one of her new sponsors. I’ll give her a McDLT!
Her cryptic announcement Sunday:
I have some really exciting news to share with you guys..tomorrow! I will give you one clue, ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaaa!
See? I never would have guessed McDonald’s from that clue. I would have surmised she was working with the Greek Alliance of Sheep Farmers. Huh.
Anyhoo, McDonald’s sought out Wie to broaden the fast food joint’s appeal to Asian-American consumers. From a report in the Sports Business Journal (via Waggle Room):
“We were looking for an Asian-American personality to appeal to that segment, and Michelle has strong appeal there and great crossover appeal,” said John Lewicki, McDonald’s senior director of alliance marketing. “She’d already been doing work for Ronald McDonald charities in Hawaii, so it just seemed like a great fit.”
Indeed, John. Indeed. However, did McDonald’s really think this through? Do they want a bunch of bad Asian-American drivers crashing into their drive-thru menus?
I kid, I kid. Obviously, if a rash of drive-thru accidents were ever to occur, obviously it would be the fault of the Toyotas they were driving.
/ducks
I’m Lovin’ It: Michelle Wie Signs Two Year Deal With McDonald’s [Waggle Room]
McDonald’s signs Wie to two-year deal [Sports Business Journal]
Casting a pall over the utter delight that would have been derived by we nonbelievers and heathens watching Jesus Quarterback sit there trying to keep his composure while team after team passed on him, Tim Tebow may not accept the invitation to attend the NFL Draft next month.
Why? He wants to go fishing with Jesus or something.
From Peter King (via The Sporting Blog):
And he said he hasn’t decided whether to accept the NFL’s invitation to attend the draft in New York — though he sounded like he wouldn’t.
“I’ve got to figure out what will be more fun for me and best for my family,” he said. “But I have to say I liked what [Cleveland tackle] Joe Thomas did on the day of the draft a couple of years ago — he went fishing with his dad.”
Oops. Got that wrong. You can see how I might have screwed that up – you know, with Tebow’s evangelical religiosity and the fact that Jesus was an avid fisherman, previous to his career as a prophet (also: an architect).
But I can see now that Tebow did not mean he might go fishing with Jesus. Instead, he might go fishing with his dad.
And I heard God loves panfish, so bring along some slip bobbers and leeches lest you disappoint Big Daddy, Timmy boy!
Tim Tebow Unlikely To Attend The Draft; Can Mope In Privacy [The Sporting Blog]
Modifying OT seems like longshot; Tebow may creep into first round [SI]
(previously at the Sportress: Chris Mortensen Reports That Tim Tebow Has Been Invited To NFL Draft)
Busted!
Nope, it’s never a good thing when Herr Goodell requests your immediate presence in his Chamber of Horrors, otherwise known as his office for official purposes.
No, settle down, Ben, I wrote “horrors,” not “whores,” you goddamn woodhead.
And worse yet for Roethlisberger, Mr. Goodell is taking what is going on in the quarterback’s personal life very, very seriously.
“First, I think the most important thing is that we take the issue very seriously,” Goodell said at the NFL Annual Meeting in Orlando, Fla. “We are very concerned that Ben continues to put himself in this position.”
Goodell revealed that he has spoken to Steelers president Art Rooney directly about the allegations, and the commissioner also plans to meet with Roethlisberger “at the appropriate time.”
Seriously, is there anything Roger Goodell does not take seriously? Seriously.
I imagine Goodell in line at the coffee shop giving the stink eye to the barista, simply to make it known that he’s well-aware of what she’s up to. Wait, who am I kidding? I reckon Goodell has a Venezuelan man-child chained up in his basement roasting beans as we speak.
Nevertheless, get yourself ready Big Ben, because you are about to be read the riot act. And Roger Dodger hasn’t had to bust out the whippin’ stick in some time. He’s going to be rusty – much like the barbed wire wrapped around said whippin’ stick. Not good.
Goodell plans to meet with Roethlisberger over allegations [NFL.com]
British People Are Weird
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Seriously, what in the fuck does that headline mean? Have you ever found yourself at a loss of words when trying to describe something and then came up with the grand idea of using a reference to a flattened animal as a means of comparison?
“How’s it been going, George?”
“Can’t complain, but my investment portfolio is worse off than a run-over raccoon.
“Unbebloodylievable, George.”
“Indubitably.”
A Flattened Hedgehog Of A Season and Unbebloodylievable [Guardian]
I suppose the sample size consisting of mugshots satisfying the above condition might be quite limited, but check that out, man. “Keep smilin’, keep shinin’, knowing you can always count on me, for sure, that’s what fight clubs are for…”
Master Rick Chandler, my esteemed colleague over at Out of Bounds, came across this hilariously awful mugshot last week and I have been meaning to get to it, but I haven’t been able to until now. And I am sure you will agree, was well worth the wait.
Photographed above is permagrinnin’ Stephen Wesley, 43, who was arrested last week in connection with allegations that he arranged five Fight Club-style melees between members of rival Los Angeles gangs while he was a teacher at a probation camp for troubled youth. The fights were recorded on a security camera, so it’s safe to say this guy is in a wee bit of trouble. And despite his sunny disposition after his arrest, Wesley has been charged with six counts of child endangerment.
“This individual was supposed to create a safe environment for probationers and he was allowing them to engage in overt violent acts,” Whitmore said. “He not only allowed the fights to take place, he set the ground rules.”
Wesley’s arrest stems from actions that Whitmore said were recorded Aug. 8, 2008, at Camp Karl Holton in San Fernando, one of 21 juvenile probation camps and halls.
Whitmore said Wesley can be seen and heard on the security footage organizing five bouts between rival gang members in response to an argument that began that morning between two students over gangs.
Wesley told students where and how long to fight, and instructed them to avoid blows to the face that would leave signs of injuries, Whitmore said.
“Not the face! Not the face!” Come on, Wesley. What kind of rinky-dink, candy-ass fight club were you running, dude?
Nevertheless, I cannot get over that smile. You can question the moral and ethical integrity of Stephen Wesley, but you cannot disregard his inner joy. No one can take that away from him. Never suffering the indignity of getting gang-raped in a prison laundry room, however, is another matter entirely.
Teacher arrested for running student ‘fight club’ leaves amusing mug shot [Out of Bounds]
Former probation camp teacher held in fight probe [Los Angeles Times]
If there is one thing you can say about Lupica, also known around these parts as the Sniveling Scribe of Sanctimony, it’s that he’s as predictable as the rising sun. You can always count on him to put things in their proper perspective, albeit in his case, it is always in an arrogant and self-righteous manner. Today was no different, because as expected, Lupica has had just about enough of Tiger Woods manipulation of the media. The media should be doing the manipulating, dammit!
Here are some highlights from “Tiger tees off with baloney in interviews” (hence, the “baloney pony” reference above – mainly due to the juxtaposition of Lupica’s annoying visage in such close proximity to Tiger’s Cavalcade of Concubines, almost like if he could he would jump up and be included with them), because I know you have far better (and perhaps even more enjoyable) things to do than read another holier-than-thou Lupica column. Like watching paint dry or showing up early at the proctologist’s office for that invasive rectal exam you have been putting off. Hey, it’s still better than reading Lupica, right?
Really, what we got Sunday from Woods was more scripted soul-searching. This is how sports agents and crisis managers imagine speaking from the heart, but only in the abstract. It is somewhat the same way when they imagine sincerity. They think we’re all as easy as the other women in Woods’ (former) life.
Lupica Zinger No. 1. Nice. Now, are the women in Woods’ (former) life easier than Sunday morning? Because that’s the only point of reference I have for easiness.
And now we find out that some of his problems with women, recorded by at least one of them with text messages that make the movie “American Pie” look sophisticated and high-minded, were that he got away from religion.
Lupica Zinger No. 2. An American Pie reference. How 1999 of him. He must not have seen National Lampoon’s Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj.
It pretty much trails off into more highfalutin moralizing from that point on. Certainly not worth your time. Remember, you do have that proctologist’s appointment.
Tiger Tees off with baloney [New York Daily News]
Vin Scully, despite feeling greatly “embarrassed over all the fuss” regarding the fall in his home and subsequent hospital stay was back at Dodgers training camp Sunday, sporting a dark, baseball-sized bruise on his elbow and five staples in the back of his noggin. Scully blamed the fall on a fit of coughing that roused him out of bed and when he got up to quickly, became dizzy. The next thing he knew, his wife was hovering over him calling 911.
In a brief interview, Scully expressed gratitude for the tremendous outpouring of support and well wishes.
“I do appreciate that immensely and humbly, and I guess that’s why I’m embarrassed to put them through anything at all, especially when it was so simple and harmless.”
Simple and harmless, Mr. Scully? I think not. Imagine how much worse it could have been had your wife been out with friends doing, I don’t know, closing down a dive bar or something. Scully may have bled right out there, alone on the marble floor.
That is why I recommend Scully look into investing in the Life Alert program. We don’t need another Mrs. Fletcher on our hands (yes, I am aware that is LifeCall, not Life Alert – same difference). And just like the lady says in the commercial (which they spell out on the screen for some unknown reason), “All. senior. citizens. should. have. Life. Alert.” So there, Vin. Listen up – Major League Baseball needs you know more than ever.
Even C. Everett Coop wears one, for crying out loud. So should you, Vin.
An ‘embarrassed’ Vin Scully recounts fall, hospital visit [Dodgers Blog]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. The proprietor of this fine site can now sit back and enjoy the NCAA tournament without worrying about his goddamn brackets, which are fucked. Like you care. Send tips and complaints about how you couldn’t care less about anything related to the NCAA tournament to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Trust me, Mr. Bookman will always get to the bottom of your shenanigans you get into with your good-time buddies. Well he’s got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. A paperback first edition copy of “Quatermass and the Pit” by Nigel Kneale has been returned to Dinnington Library in London. It was originally borrowed from the library on September 4, 1965. Fines are capped at 6 pounds ($9), so no big whoop. [Yahoo!/Reuters]
• According to a CBS source, the 96-team tournament “will happen.” Yippee. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Joe Mauer Joe Mauer Joe Mauer… [Walkoff Walk]
• …Joe Mauer Joe Mauer Joe Mauer. [SOOZE!]
• Will the Tiger Woods Buddhist bracelet become the new Livestrong band? [Larry Brown Sports]
• And here is how you can make a Tiger Woods Buddhist bracelet. [Trailing Tiger]
• Speaking of Tiger, Jay Busbee landed an interview with Kelly Tilghmam, the Golf Channel gal who interviewed Tiger. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Butter Chicken figures out exactly what the fuck Darvocet is. [Food Court Lunch]
• Stephon Marbury absolutely owned the Chinese All-Star Game. [You Been Blinded]
• Nick Saban, pitcher. Funny, I always figured he was a catcher. You know, homosexually speaking. [Busted Coverage]
• Here are the Top 10 MLB team commercials for 2010. Lots of good stuff here. [Rum Bunter]
• The Arkansas-Pine Bluff mascot is teh awesome. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Here are some more of those examples of faces found in everyday objects. Far out, man. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: NBA Honors Latino Community By Using Spanish Word For ‘The’ On Jerseys
