Doug Roberson of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution published a column summarizing Tiger Woods via an “A To Z” concept. For example, E is for Elin, W is for Williams, Steve, etc.
While informative enough, Roberson egregiously omits several of the more salacious aspects of Tiger’s life – probably in the interest of actually having it published by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
I, on the other hand, am not burdened by such trivialities. After combing the Sportress’ archives, among other places, I have come up with my own Tiger Woods A to Z summary. Let me know if I have missed anything.
A: Ambien Sex. Something Rachel Uchitel alleges her and Tiger engaged in to enhance the sexual experience.
B: Billion. As in the $12 billion Tiger Woods allegedly destroyed in stock values after crashing his SUV, according to a study.
C: Celibacy Contract. A document Tiger had to sign in order to attend Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services.
D: Doppelganger. The guy photographed at the sex rehab clinic who supposedly was Tiger Woods but we never figured out if it in fact really was him.
E: Escalade. Smashed up with busted out windows and all.
F: Fucking. And lots of it. Duh.
G: Gatorade. For that deep down body thirst. After you dump your load.
H: Hattiesburg. The location of the sex rehab clinic Tiger allegedly was being treated at. Also the location of Brett Favre’s house, where Elin reportedly stayed during her visits to the town.
I: I-I-I-I-I-I want the knife…pleaaaaaaaase. What? The Golden Child is one of Tiger’s favorite movies. Also, that Charlotte Lewis, the girl who played Kee Nang in the movie? I bet Tiger would have totally done her provided the opportunity. But who wouldn’t, amirite?
K: Bukkake. ‘Nuff said. Hey, there’s a lot of k’s in that word.
L: Lama. As in Dalai Lama, who had never even heard of Tiger Woods when someone asked him about the golfer.
M: Mistress Beauty Pageant. Oh, Howard Stern – desperately clinging to relevancy.
N: New York Post. For putting Tiger on the cover of the tabloid nineteen days in a row. The only other event to ever grace the cover nineteen days in a row? 9/11.
O: Orgasms. Tiger had a bunch of those.
P: Pipdream Productions. The company that produced the Tiger Woods sex doll.
Q: Quiznos. Man, I love their sandwiches.
R: Ryan Seacrest. The fancyboy, who, along with Rachel Uchitel and actor David Boreanz, Tiger allegedly once dreamed of having an orgy with.
S: Stagefright. The condition Tiger is afraid might happen if he ever tried giving Joslyn James a golden shower.
T: Taiwanese Animators. The genius of the animated crash re-enactment may never be duplicated.
U: Uchitel. The broad that started it all way back in November.
V: Vanity Fair. For their unearthing of a gangsta Tiger Woods photo for their February issue.
W: Whore. As in, “Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat” text message to Joslyn James.
X: X-rated Tiger Woods pornos. Tyler’s Wood? It’s in my Netfux queue.
Y: As in “Y is this fucking post taking so long?” I know, a stretch.
Z: ZOMG! As in, I cannot believe it has only been a little more than four months since this whole mess started. What a trip down memory lane, huh?
Tiger Woods A to Z [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]