Archive for March, 2010
Teh awesome.
As a person who owns a Wii, I cannot even articulate the excitement I am feeling about the upcoming relaunch of the NBA Jam franchise on the Wii. Okay, that might be a bit over the top, but I am certainly looking forward to it, and this trailer only increases my anticipation for when the game is released on…
(searches the internet)
….December 31, 2010??? What the fungus?
Actually, I couldn’t find a definitive release date, but a few places I checked mentioned December 31st, so we’ll go with that until somebody tells me I’m wrong, but believe me, I wouldn’t mind being way off on this one.
[H/T With Leather]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (March 31st)
Posted by:
• Absolutely fantastic post about the 65 things these guys loved about the NCAA Tournament. [The Dagger]
• Wait, Elin might be pregnant? [Out of Bounds]
• Sportscaster in Pennsylvania caught jerking it on a webcam thinking he was doing it for a 13-year-old girl on the internet. Yikes. [Busted Coverage]
• That chick sprinter with a penis? Yeah, she’s going to start running again. [With Leather]
• This Week in Fuck You: gym conversation people. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The open tryouts to become a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader went well. [Unathletic Mag]
• The head coach for the Oklahoma Sooners women’s basketball team is kind of cougar-like. [Guyism]
• Writers for NHL.com are real smart. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Brewers fans construct a raggedy fort out of cardboard boxes while they wait to buy tickets. [Big League Stew]
• It looks like Chris Berman ain’t going anywhere. [The Big Lead]
• An awesome compilation of thoughts that may occur to you while listening to ESPN analyst Mark Schlereth. [Tirico Suave]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Zydrunas Ilgauskas Figures He Must Be From Turkey Or Something
Send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com, goddammit!
Heh. Head.
More on the Murray Head angle for you young whippersnappers later, but first let’s discuss this awe-inspiring prophylacticized Tiger Woods mannequin dressed entirely in condoms that is one of the main attractions of a restaurant located in Bangkok, Thailand, fittingly named Cabbages & Condoms.
From the travel site TableConversation.com (via SPORTSbyBROOKS):
Next to Tiger is a condom-decorated Christmas tree, the perfect gift.
Insulting? Sarcastic? Not at all, if you understand the source.
Tiger, the Christmas tree, Santa Claus and condom cutouts where you put your head for a photo (see them below) are part of a safe sex and birth control program sponsored by the Population and Community Development Association of Thailand.
The place to see them is Cabbages & Condoms, a restaurant founded by the PDA in Bangkok in 1986. The campaign is serious–and explicit. The light-hearted approach is a way to counteract embarrassment among conservative Thais. They like things to be “sanuk,” or fun and pleasant.
That’s all well and good that the Thais are using the Tiger Woods scandal to promote safe sex and all that jazz but conservative? Whatever. Try telling that to the Thai hooker who stole my clothes, wallet and passport, that no-good, double-crossing street whore. I had to do some things I’m not very proud of to get out of that godforsaken country.
Moving on, for the ’80s reference-challenged, Murray Head was a singer best known for his chess-themed song, released in 1984, called “One Night In Bangkok”. It’s the quintessential cheesy ’80s pop song and if you have never heard it before, you are a luckier person than I, because every single time I see the word Bangkok, the damn song is instantly stuck in my head. Well, the song and that fateful night in a Bangkok back alley.
Lifesize Tiger Woods Made Entirely Of Condoms [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
Tiger Gets a Startling New Image [TableConversation.com]
Scary moment today during spring training action as the Twins took on the Yankees in Tampa. Twins center fielder Denard Span drilled his mother in the chest with a line-drive foul ball off his bat in the first inning.
Span was leading off the game against the Yankees’ Phil Hughes when he fouled a 3-2 pitch directly to the left of the visitors’ third-base dugout, where a group of his family members were settling in for the game.
The ball struck his mother, and Span immediately dashed into the field-level seats, consoling her as help arrived.
BAM! Ouch, that had to sting, especially for a woman who is old enough to have 26-year-old son. But don’t worry, Span’s mom, Wanda Wilson, is going to okay.
What I would like to point out is how this adequately illustrates the perverse nature of what many have called Minnesota Nice. Everybody assumes that we simple Minnesota folk are just salt-of-the-earth, nice people, but in fact there is a very dark side to it. In fact, Minnesota Nice is just a kinder way to describe the passive aggressive nature of many of the residents who live here. We may appear nice, but things are not always as they seem. For example, Denard Span did nail his mother with a batted ball, but he was nice enough to run to her side and help attend to her. So, in effect, Span was being nice, but only because he did something terrible (although accidental) to begin with.
It is very complicated and difficult to explain. That’s why you should never bother to pay us a visit in Minnesota. In fact, we’d prefer if you didn’t.
Span hits mom with foul ball [MLB.com]
And you will like it! Consider yourself lucky that you will get to see even that much, you slack-jawed gawkers.
Under pressure to cave into the demands of ratings-hungry ESPN, who will broadcast the first two rounds of The Masters, the stodgy bastards running Augusta National have reluctantly acquiesced a bit and agreed to allow ESPN to switch to the first tee to show live coverage of Tiger Woods teeing off on the first hole during his first round of the tournament. So, depending on when Tiger tees off, for instance, if he has an early round scheduled, by the time ESPN goes live with its coverage, Tiger may already be off the course, so that one tee shot will be all we’ll see of his first day back on the course. So, I guess we might only be able to hear “GETINTHEHOLE!!!” just once during the first round at Augusta.
Via The New York Times:
“We’ll be able to document his play very thoroughly and still adhere to the traditions of the Masters,” said John Wildhack, an executive vice president of ESPN. He added: “We’re pleased with the plans that we have in place. We’re pleased that we will be able to offer the tee shots of Tiger and his group.”
He declined to say whether ESPN asked for more time to follow Woods.
“I’m not getting into wishes or predictions,” he said.
Steve Ethun, a spokesman for Augusta National, said, “We discussed this with them and agreed that this coverage provides the correct quality and the quantity.”
What a deal, right? Obviously, the powers-that-be at Augusta National who control what is aired are very conservative and consider that they are even allowing this much to be quite the concession on their part. Nobody is bigger than the tournament or nothing will alter how they run things around their golf club. Just ask that skirt Martha Burk. She’ll tell ya. Unless you’re a man, then she will just give you the old stink eye.
Live at the Masters, Woods’s First Shot, but Not the Second [The New York Times]
I have no idea why they would ever even entertain the idea, but I also do not understand why Texas Motor Speedway president Eddie Gossage is going to pay Fort Worth radio station morning show host Terry Dorsey $100,000 to change his name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com.
Dorsey, who is a host of The Dorsey Gang show on 96.3 KSCS, must legally change his name for one year and get a permanent TMS tattoo on his body. He told NBC it was the future Mrs. TexasMotorSpeedway.com that helped him.
“It was my wife who convinced me to do it,” Dorsey said. “She said for the money Eddie was offering, it was something we couldn’t pass up.”
If Dorsey meets the qualifications, the check presentation would take place during the next racing weekend at Texas Motor Speedway on April 15-18.
Lame, but who would pass up that money? Who gives a shit about the tattoo and just because his name is officially TexasMotorSpeedway.com, it doesn’t mean anyone has to refer to him as that. And it’s only for year. Big deal. Even though it is not my given name, my entire family has always referred to me as “Shithead,” and all I got out of it was a crippling anxiety disorder.
Nevertheless, my offer still stands, NBC. Just think about it.
Radio host Terry Dorsey to change name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com for $100,000 [The Dallas Morning News]
Michelle Wie, You Delightfully Naughty Girl!
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I bring you good news, dear readers. Miss Wie has finally heeded my advice and brought the sexy back to her personal blog, Black Flamingo. Your gratitude is not necessary, friends, the results in of themselves are a sufficient reward.
Above is a piece found she has titled, “Inglorious Flower” which can be found in her March 26th post, “the inglorious patch of grass”. Incredibly sensual and nicely done, Miss Wie. The composition is very seductive, very alluring.
More provocative pics follow.
GAH!!! NO!
Bad news, ladies and germs: Joe Buck has signed a new four-year deal with Fox. I know, horrible, right? This means Buck will continue to serve as the lead announcer for the network’s coverage of the NFL and MLB.
Fox Sports president Ed Goren, while frantically trying to extinguish the flames rapidly consuming his pants, said that Fox is “thrilled to have the voice of Fox Sports and one of the best broadcasters in the business with us for the next four years.” Whatever, dude.
Buck, to his credit, acknowledges that he might be the luckiest man in the world for landing such a cushy gig which, while not the sole reason behind it, likely would have never occurred if it were not for his old man, broadcasting legend Jack Buck.
“I’m smart enough to realize I’m lucky to be doing what I’m doing,” he says. “There are people who’d line up around Manhattan to do what I’m doing. I’m fully content and honored to get this chance with Fox for another four years.”
Fair enough, but I’m not quite so sure about the “smart enough” part. But here’s where the story turns tragically into far more disturbing territory. According to USA Today’s resident sports television wonk, Michael McCarthy, a new show featuring Buck in the mold of his just-canceled Joe Buck Live may be in the offing. Why would they try this again after it failed so horribly the last time? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
Buck is rumored to be discussing the potential for another colossal train wreck of a television show with Fox Sports chief David Hill regarding a show that could air on Fox but my guess is it would most likely end up Fox’s cable network FX. That way the show could follow the network’s Thursday night comedy lineup and be called It’s Always Smuggy In Buckidelphia. No need to thank me, Fox, just throwing that one out there.
Joe Buck signs new four-year deal with Fox [USA Today]
(previously at the Sportress: ‘Joe Buck Live’ Officially Canceled: Don’t Get Me Started, Don’t Even Get Me Started)
Oh, so that’s what ambidextrous means! The guy can throw with both arms! Silly me, here I thought it had something to do with the fact he was half-man, half-salamander and that he could regrow his tail if it were ever to get accidentally cut off.
Thanks for clearing that one up. I sure was corn-fused.
Ambidextrous pitcher throws with both arms for Yankees [SI/AP]
Sweet fancy Moses, what the hell is that?
Courtesy of Assignment Chicago (via Puck Daddy), comes this photo of a Chicago mural depicting Blackhawks star Jonathan Toews with the Stanley Cup in the background. One of the many problems with the mural is Toews is in full-on Pigman Mode. Look at those nostrils!
The esteemed Mr. Wyshynski at PD addresses the fact that hockey fans and players alike are notoriously superstitious by nature, and by simply featuring the Stanley Cup prominently in the mural could be a sure-fire way to curse a franchise for decades.
That aside, the mural likely didn’t quite turn out as planned. I actually feel horrible for the person who was commissioned to create this piece. I imagine he or she would like nothing better than to get up there and do a little touching up. In fact, it should be demanded. People (like me) can be extremely heartless in their critique of artwork. My guess is it will take a long, long time for the artist to live this one down, especially considering the bevy of pop culture references that can be used to describe it.
I, of course, am electing to go with the Pigman reference from Seinfeld, but others have also characterized the interesting representation of Toews as an homage to Dr. Bernardi from The Twilight Zone episode, “The Eye of the Beholder” or a mutant character from the H.G. Wells classic, The Island of Dr. Moreau.
Whichever way you choose to describe it, it’s a whole lotta ugly. But you know what? I wish there were Pigmen. You get a few of these Pigmen walking around I’m looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, “Hey he’s no Pigman!”
And I’m done.
City of Broadly-Painted Shoulders [Assignment Chicago]
Blackhawks fans snort in disgust at Toews/pig nose mural [Puck Daddy]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Today, I am reminded of a quote from the great Herodotus: “It is said that as many days as there are in the whole journey, so many are the men and horses that stand along the road, each horse and man at the interval of a day’s journey; and these are stayed neither by snow nor rain nor heat nor darkness from accomplishing their appointed course with all speed. The appointed course here at the Sportress of course largely consists of a bevy of dickjokery. You get what you pay for, I guess. Send tips to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Who is going to China with me? Via a report from Reuters: “The park, near Kunming city in Yunnan province, employs 108 dwarfs from across the country, who twice daily gather on an artificial hillside to dance and sing for tourists.” Awesome. Of course, some negative nabobs of negativity are accusing the theme park of human rights violations. Have these people ever been to Disney World? [Yahoo!/Reuters]
• You can bid on Don Mattingly’s residual check from his appearance on The Simpsons. Ahoy hoy! [With Leather]
• American Olympic hockey hero Ryan Miller has a hot girlfriend. She did a lesbian scene. Need any additional information? Didn’t think so. [Busted Coverage]
• Here is a list of 10 things in sports that are scarier than the Hadron Collider. [Guyism]
• PETA wants to help out a Chicago high school which had their bleachers stolen. This won’t end well. [Out of Bounds]
• Dear God! Blowhard Mike Francesca has invited not-hard-to-blow (?) Steve Phillips to appear on his radio show for weekly segments. [Walkoff Walk]
• Pete Rose and his sexy girlfriend were on Howard Stern’s show. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Gus Johnson-related humor is taking over the internets, and I feel fine. [Bootlegger Sports]
• Gourmet Spud delights us with common wisdom made racist. [Food Court Lunch]
• “Hey, Who Painted Derrick Mason’s Face on My Balls?” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Here’s your daily dose of Erin Andrews goodness. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Introducing the best 10-year-old basketball player in the world. [Tremendous Upside Potential]
• Some guy is obsessed with making photoshops of Tom Selleck, waterfalls and a sandwich. Creepy shit. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends
Sadly, the era of ladies night is tragically coming to an end – at least in Gainesville, Florida.
They’ll be notifying 115 bars and restaurants in the city limits in the next few days that they will no longer be able to give discounts based on gender, reports the Gainesville Sun.
Cecil Howard, the city’s director of equal opportunity, said the city hasn’t gotten any complaints about discrimination based on these sorts of promotions. But they are taking a cautious route.
Gainesville officials are following a pattern in other places, from Clearwater to California, where discrimination laws have been strictly interpreted to strike down such discounts.
Wait. The city has a director of equal opportunity? What the hell? They should have a director of letting women get drunk and loose department, if you ask me.
But what do I know? On to the usual tomfoolery.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (March 30th)
Posted by:• Hooray! The New Jersey Nets aren’t the worst team ever, just one of them! [Ball Don't Lie]
• My good buddy First Derivative has lovingly prepared a friendly open letter to New York Rangers general manager Glenn Sather. [The Phoenix Pub]
• Remember that all-white basketball league? Yeah, they got The Daily Show treatment. [Out of Bounds]
• The cop that pulled over Joey Porter in the Taco Bell parking lot under questionable pretenses? Yeah, he’s had a DUI himself. [With Leather]
• A guy named Patrick Molesti lives up to his surname. [Food Court Lunch]
• Angel Cabrera has come up with a delightful menu for his Champions Dinner at Augusta. Seriously, it looks delicious. [Waggle Room]
• The mistreatment of Donovan McNabb by, well, everybody has got to stop. [Shutdown Corner]
• Some Boston Red Sox superfan you may have heard of before is set to publish a novella about baseball. [Walkoff Walk]
• The world is Erin Andrews’ oyster. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Breaking: much to our collective dismay, ESPN’s John Clayton does not have a ponytail. [Deadspin]
• Ernie Els wins two tournaments in a row, promptly switches caddies. Makes sense. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Don’t believe what you have been hearing about Notre Dame’s Jimmy Clausen. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The criminal inquiry into Santonio Holmes is already closed? Lame. [Mondesi's House]
• Oh no! Jayson Werth of the Philadelphia Phillies has shaved his beard, which makes the internet incredibly sad. [The Sporting Blog]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Shots Of Indianapolis Skyline To Depress Nation During Final Four Broadcast
Got tips? Send them to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com, suckas!
So that’s how it’s going to be, huh, Sania? You don’t even have the decency to tell me personally that you are about to wed some jerky cricket-playing guy? Sorry, I have never even heard of this Shoaib Malik fellow, but I’m sure he’s wonderful, just super-duper great.
Mirza’s father said Malik, the former cricket captain of Pakistan, and his daughter would move to Dubai after the marriage, expected next month.
He added that she planned to continue playing tennis once she had recovered fully from a wrist injury.
Reports say the wedding celebrations will be held in both countries.
I thought we shared something special, Sani. All the blog posts, the carefully crafted photo galleries, I guess they meant nothing to you, huh?
God, I’m such a fool. Still, how’s it gonna be, Sani? How’s it gonna be when you don’t know me anymore?
(sadly cranks Third Eye Blind song)
Now I feel a bit better.
Indian tennis’s Mirza to wed Pakistani cricketer Malik [BBC]
(previously at the Sportress: Venus Williams Survives Three Set Match On Wednesday Against Sania Mirza/I Swear To God, I Did Not Put Them Up To It<
