Archive for February, 2010
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (February 15th)
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• In the great state of Alabama, Nick Saban has more fans on Facebook than God. [E.D.S.B.S.]
• Versus is going to come at you hardcore with NHL coverage after the Olympic break. [Puck Daddy]
• USA Today may know how to spell a little bit too well, at least when it comes to spelling Dwyane Wade’s wack-ass name. [Bootlegger Sports]
• Shaq got dissed by Shakira, but Craig Sager came in and saved the day. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• You know what? It is true: David Duvall is a lot like Sasquatch. [Waggle Room]
• The Simpsons went curling last night. And I forgot to DVR it. That’s okay, though, because you can watch the entire episode online. [FirstCuts]
• In the spirit of the Olympics, FCL salutes a Canadian hero and condemns a Canadian douchebag. [Food Court Lunch]
• Fake Andy Reid Twitter account has some fun at director Kevin Smith’s expense. [The700Level]
• Softball Guy comes clean. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Ladies and gentlemen, Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” on kazoo. [Uncoached]
• Finally, time-lapse video of Cowboys Stadium being converted into a basketball arena. [Epic Carnival]
Apologies for going off on a tangent here, but I was just reading an article on SI.com about Lindsey Vonn having the fastest training time today when I glanced over to the sidebar and saw the above advertisement.
I understand the premise of the ad as it is the same as the commercials frequently airing on television recently: that if you take NyQuil at bedtime, it will help you fall into a deep, coma-like sleep, giving your body time to rest and rejuvenate itself for what lies ahead the next day. But why do they insist on having the person – U.S. snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis in this instance – have the appearance that they may have just overdosed on heroin? I have seen better looking corpses, for crying out loud (but that’s another story altogether).
Frankly, this ad makes me want to take NyQuil even less than I did beforehand. It is terribly off-putting, and in any event, a fifth of vodka and a couple of Tylenol PMs are just what the doctor ordered for tonight anyway.
No, I don’t have a cold, why do you ask?
But not anymore! Now he can “go long” – real long. Apparently.
In a match made in celebrity endorsement heaven, former Dallas Cowboys coach and current Fox NFL football analyst Jimmy Johnson has partnered up with ExtenZe (the capital “Z” is for “Zazzy!”) the male enhancement pill. Johnson, a man known for his good time party lifestyle – at least if the photos you can find of him on the internet boozing it up are any indication – is a great fit for the company and is the type of guy that men who also are worried that their package ain’t all it should be can look up to.
Johnson admits that he is a user of ExtenZe in 15-, 30- and 60-second ads on television, which is shifting its focus to distribution through mass retailers such as Walmart, Walgreens, CVS, Rite Aid and GNC.
“Most men want to perform the best they can in just about everything,” Johnson reportedly will say one spot. “Isn’t that why we buy the biggest and best of everything?”
Johnson finishes some of the commercials with the tagline: “Go long with ExtenZe. I do.”
Epically hilarious commercial after the jump.
No really, it’s true.
The Norwegian curling team drew some curious looks from onlookers when they showed up for a training session on Sunday wearing pants purchased from Loudmouth Golf, the very same California-based company that outfits John Daly with his retina-scorching trousers.
The Norwegian team originally planned to wear the outfit for training, but considering the rock star status that curlers have enjoyed thus far in Vancouver it might become permanent.
“There are no rules against the pants, but there may be after this,” said the aforementioned flashy-dressing Second Christoffer Svae.
Although the WCF (World Curling Federation) is working on one, it does not currently have a dress code implemented, so it looks like the Norwegian curlers will be styling during their matches. Awesome. Personally, I see no problem with curlers bringing a little style (or lack thereof, depending on your view) to competition. Anything to get curling mentioned is good publicity for the sport. My only concern is that the pants might have some sort of negative psychological impact on the curlers. The last thing these Norwegians need is to develop an addiction to white trash women, Diet Coke and Marlboros.
You know, on second thought, Daly really isn’t a bad person to emulate, in many ways. I know I do, and look at all the good it has done me.
Norwegian curlers draw stares with fashion [CTV Olympics]
A youth basketball commissioner in Burnsville, Minnesota was assaulted Saturday during a basketball tournament at the local high school by an angry father and possibly another male over a disputed call during an overtime game between two sixth-grade teams.
The attacker, who at this point remains unnamed, began accusing the referees and coaches of being “cheaters” and threw a basketball at the commissioner, Jeff Shand, after play began before his son’s team was slow in making a substitution. When Shand threatened to call 911, he was punched.
[Police Sergeant Jef] Behnken said the dad hit the commissioner, but Shand said it was a teenager or man in his early 20s who “sucker-punched” him from behind. Shand said the dad had thrown a basketball at him.
Behnken said authorities are looking for another suspect, a 15-year-old boy.
The man was arrested on suspicion of fifth-degree assault and impeding a 911 call. He has yet to be charged. No other arrests have been made.
What a country.
Heh. Hooker.
Obviously, hooker is a position played in rugby and since I am a xenophobic American, I have nary an inkling of an idea what in the hell is going on during a game of rugby, let alone any of the terms associated with what by all accounts is a fascinating, fast-pace game.
According to rugbycoach.com, “The main requirement of a hooker now is that he is physically strong enough to take the strain of scrumming,” so when you think about it, at face value, the responsibilities of a hooker in rugby as well as a one working in the sex trade are not that different.
One additional similarity between two – and I cannot speak to this from personal experience, mind you – is that most hookers probably do not enjoy getting tackled and thrown to the ground. Unless you pay them extra up front.
Nevertheless, it certainly is an amusing occurrence when different cultures have wholly different meanings for words, especially when the word has such a visceral connotation in one and a completely innocuous meaning in the other. For instance – and this is a unique coincidence – do you know what they call hookers in the United Kingdom?
Defensive ends, which is one of the best examples of a misnomer as you will ever find.
Six Nations – Ireland hooker Flannery cited [Yahoo! Eurosport]
Shit, I didn’t think that was even possible, but in an interview with Inside Edition, porn star Joslyn James alleges that Tiger Woods impregnated her, not once, but twice – and both pregnancies were apparently the same time Elin was expecting. The first pregnancy resulted in miscarriage and the second was terminated. James also states that using protection “was never talked about.” Nice.
James, 32, said she miscarried in her first pregnancy at about the same time Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, gave birth to daughter Sam Alexis in June 2007.
The next pregnancy was aborted close to the birth of Woods’ son, Charlie Axel, in February 2009, James claims.
The golfer was not told about either pregnancy, she said.
Yeesh. Just when you think things are going to quiet down a little bit, an even more startling revelation surfaces. I’m sitting here attempting to come up with a scenario involving Woods that could sink this scandal even deeper into depravity, but I cannot. I suppose this illustrates why my pornographic writing career never took off. The fact I chose to write B.J. And The Bear slash fiction exclusively might have had something to do with it, too. Instead I should have went with my original idea: a Mama’s Family erotic novel – way sexier possibilities.
Porn star claims Tiger Woods got her pregnant TWICE… and both times his wife was also expecting [The Daily Mail]
I’m calling bullshit on this Valentine’s Day proposal stunt.
You have seen these a million times before: guy proposes to gal on jumbotron and she happily accepts. Becoming all too frequent now is the girl running off in embarrassment, much to the guy’s chagrin/horror.
During Sunday’s game between the Rangers and Lightning at Madison Square Garden, two yahoos tried to pull it off with less than convincing results.
“Melissa, will you be my Blueshirt bride? Love, Nick,” read the message on the scoreboard, bordered by little hearts. With the stadium — and Nick — watching Melissa put her hand over her mouth in apparent horror, picked up her bag and walked out, shaking her head.
Melissa was showered with boos as she left and the Rangers went on to blow away the Tampa Bay Lightning, 5-2.
Video after the jump.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. You want the pod doors opened? I’m sorry, reader. I’m afraid I can’t do that. But you should still send me tips as it is the right thing to do.
• If you are going to build an igloo, you better make sure you have something to do (weed) and something to protect yourself with (survival knife and hammer). A Delware teenager was arrested by New Castle County police and charged with “carrying a concealed deadly weapon, carrying a concealed deadly instrument, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of marijuana.” Illegal search and seizure, brah! [MSNBC/AP]
• Al Michaels is looking a bit portly on the Olympics broadcasts. [The Big Lead]
• Baltimore Orioles right-hander is just like Michael Jackson. In a way. [Big League Stew]
You would have thought by now, through my intrepid sleuthing abilities/compulsion, I would have discovered one Magdalena Neuner, a 23-year-old comely biathlete for the dominant German team long ago. None such luck, but better late than never, I guess.
Given that the biathlon is the most popular winter sport in Germany, young Miss Neuner is a rapidly rising star in her homeland. She was named the Female Athlete of the Year in both 2007 and 2008 by the national coaches of the World Cup teams.
I will be blunt: I know jack squat about the biathlon, but from what I gather from this article, the Germans are set up to dominate the biathlon, with multiple previous gold medal winners and four members of the team are among the favorites to win gold in Vancouver.
Among the other bits of information I gleaned from her Wikipedia page (so you know it must be true), she is also a big-time knitter, even having her own knitting blog. A blogger? Shazam!
One thing I do know about biathlon without the benefits of Wikipedia is that it combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, so the fact that she is also a markswoman that could blow your head clean off from over 150 feet away only makes her more attractive – in an intimidating way, I guess.
Although she has struggled recently, Neuner appears confident and ready to make a go of it.
“I am very happy with my preparations and I am pleased with my first few practices here – what can go wrong?” she said with a smile.
Indeed. What could go wrong? Hopefully, nothing at all but one thing that has gone wrong already involving Neuner – she apparently turned down an offer in 2007 to appear in the German version of Playboy. Hurensohn! That’s German for son of a bitch. See, we’re entertaining as well as informative here at the Sportress! Okay, just informative. Sometimes.
German pin-up Neuner gunning for Olympic gold [CTV]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (February 12th)
Posted by:• Concerns were being expressed about the track long before Nodar Kumaritashvili tragically died during a luge training run earlier today. Horrible story. [Deadspin]
• Happy days! The first photos of Jenn Sterger sans implants have hit the internets! And come on, it’s not like you wouldn’t still hit it. [Busted Coverage]
• Happy days! The first photos of Joe Paterno sans glasses have hit the internets! And come on, it’s not like you wouldn’t still hit it. [With Leather]
• The Tim Tebow commercial was the least watched commercial during the Super Bowl. Much ado about nothing, apparently. [Out of Bounds]
• TNT’s set for All-Star weekend looks like it’s from the future. [The Big Lead]
• Oh dear, these custom Minnesota Wild jerseys sure are wordy. [Puck Daddy]
• Chicago-based blogger bids farewell to one of the city’s legends, Frank Thomas. [Mouthpiece Blog]
• Poor, poor Peezy. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Who wouldn’t have bought a big screen TV from Steve Garvey in 1977? That is the question. [Walkoff Walk]
• New Maria Sharapova ad! [Sharapova's Thigh]
Note: for those of you mental defectives out there who cannot get through an entire weekend without a little bit of that “unique” Weed Against Speed brand of “humor,” remember that I will (as usual, until they fire me) be taking my Kooky Calvalcade of Half-Assed Dickjokery over to Master Rick Chandler’s Out of Bounds blog at NBCSports.com. Feel free to drop on by. Punch and pie may be served, although I cannot promise anything.
Let me just state that it is much easier to speak Schwarzeneggerese than it is to write it. Sheesh.
Thousands of gawkers lined up early this morning in Vancouver’s Stanley Park to catch a glimpse of the governor of Kawlleefohrnyah Ahhnold Schwarzenegger carrying the Olympic Torch before he handed it off Sebastian Coe, the chairman of the 2012 Olympic Games in London.
Schwarzenegger began his leg with the flame at 7:03 a.m., just as the sun began to come up, surrounded by hundreds of screaming fans.
Security guards cleared the way for the former movie star and bodybuilder as he walked the flame to Brockton Point Lighthouse overlooking Vancouver and handed it off to former British Olympian Sebastian Coe, head of the London 2012 Organizing Committee, in an extended photo-op for journalists.
Is it just me, or does the fact that a politician from the United States, not to mention a reputed steroid user, was carrying the torch so close to the end of its journey? Were there not Canadian officials who would have been better choices? Or am I missing something here?
Meh. What do I care? At least a group of die-hard fans in attendance were clever enough to make a “GET TO DA CHOPPAH!” reference (below), and to me, that’s what really counts.
UPDATE: Video and Photos | Schwarzenegger carries Olympic torch [The Seattle Times]
Emotional torch relay nears end in Vancouver [CBC]
Arnold Schwarzenegger lights up Olympics despite steroids row [The Guardian]
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger carries the Olympic torch; movie fans line up at Stanley Park [The Seattle Times]
Because it’s made out of poop.
Bruce Andersland, of Albert Lea, Minnesota (ugh), created a half-mile wide heart out of shit that he spread with a tractor and a manure spreader for his wife. Andersland started his showing of his flair for fecal art on Wednesday and finished up on Thursday.
His spouse was surprisingly moved by the gesture.
His wife, Beth, says it’s the biggest and most original Valentine she has ever received. She says some people might think it’s gross but she says it’s cute and “Why not do something fun with what you got?”
She says the heart would be darker except for recent heavy snowfall mixed with the cowplop, so the spreader ended up spreading manure and snow.
Now that is a great wife right there. Remember, before attempting such an unconventional declaration yourself, this guy is a farmer and possesses the necessary equipment to pull of such a stunt. Simply smearing a heartfelt “I Love You” with your own poop on the bathroom mirror probably isn’t going to cut it. Unless your significant other happens to be a coprophiliac, then you have it made in the shade, my friend.
Love stinks! Minn. farmer creates manure valentine [Star Tribune]
The horror…the horror.
I would hate to break to Wade, but the last I heard, G. Jeff Olson was doing just fine as the replacement for Randy Jones as the Cowboy in the Village People.
It’s…terrifyingly hypnotic. But it looks like old Wade’s popular with the ladies. Who knew?
Must-see video: Cowboys coach Wade Phillips dancing to YMCA in Miami [Dallas Cowboys Blog]
The Resemblence Is Uncanny
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So long, Flying Tomato moniker, bring on the Animal.
Shaun White is ditching his previous nickname and would prefer people to refer to him as “Animal.”
“Apparently I resemble the drummer from the Muppets so ‘Animal’ has become my thing here,” said White, referring to the crazed drummer of the band on the Muppet Show.
White said he thought “Flying Tomato,” the moniker he picked up when he soared to victory at the 2006 Olympics, was now “dead in the water.”
“I guess I’m deemed Shaun ‘Animal’ White,” the snowboarder told a news conference, pushing back his long mane of thick red hair.
He must assuredly does resemble the skins smasher for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, which despite the fact that it is a name of a band from The Muppets, might be one of the most kick-ass names for a musical group ever.
