Archive for February, 2010
Trades Make Kaman Angry! KAMAN SMASH!!
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More often than not, Clippers center Chris Kaman is Bruce Banner-like with mild-mannered, introverted behavior. But playing for the lowly Los Angeles Clippers for seven years can make a man lose it. Sometimes, Kaman gets angry and you wouldn’t like Kaman when he’s angry.
Kaman is a bit out of sorts and frustrated that the Clippers traded away Marcus Camby in exchange for Travis Outlaw and Steve Blake, referring to Camby as the team’s “best defensive player.”
“I have to trust that the decisions they make are the right one for the team long term. Obviously we didn’t perform the way we were capable of this season or how we wanted to this season. I’m not saying that it’s over but it’s going to be tough to come back and win games when everyone is on different pages with new players shuffling in and out of the locker room and the lineup and Kim having to deal with all that. It’s tough. We’ll see what happens this summer if we get a big player this summer and put us in position to make the playoffs…I’ve been here seven years and I’ve only been to the playoffs once and that team was broken up two seasons later, so it’s frustrating.”
Frustrating indeed. Yet Kaman was surprisingly elegant in articulating his feelings. But I’m sure that won’t last for long. Sooner or later, Kaman is going to get even more frustrated. And then he’ll get angry. So angry, in fact, it MAKE KAMAN WANT TO SMASH! KAMAN SMASH TRADE!
What? It’s a reference to The Incredible Hulk, people. You know, because Kaman kind of looks like a monster and you can imagine him behaving like the Hulk? You know? Jesus, doesn’t anyone read comic books anymore?
Clips’ moves frustrate Kaman [ESPN]
Yowsers. That is not good news from Florio at Pro Football Talk if your favorite National Football League team is looking to sign a veteran free agent quarterback this offseason. Don’t get me wrong, I was a huge Culpepper guy (and I have the authentic Culpepper Vikings jersey hanging in my closet gathering dust – right next to my authentic Tavaris Jackson jersey to prove it), but once his knee got destroyed against the Carolina Panthers on that fateful day in October of 2005, he hasn’t been the same. Perhaps if Culpepper showed some foresight and a modicum of intelligence and chose to rehab his knee under the watchful, expert eye of a qualified trainer – preferably one employed the team that pays your salary - may have helped, but that’s all in the past now – Daunte moved on to Miami after an acrimonious split with the Vikings and even I have moved past the bitterness.
Sadly, a potentially brilliant career was derailed due to the gruesome injury he suffered and after stints with the Dolphins, Raiders and Lions, a career resurgence doesn’t appear to be in the cards for Daunte. At the same time, I suppose for some teams, Culpepper is worth a look since it appears there isn’t an overabundance of quality quarterbacks currently available on the free agent market. Nothing would make me happier than seeing one of my favorite players resurrect a once-promising career. Well, one thing might: somebody paying $200 for the jersey hanging in my closet. Okay, $150.
Culpepper highlights free agent quarterback class [Pro Football Talk]
Vikings deal Culpepper to Miami for second-round pick [ESPN]
And believe you me, there have been a bevy of pitches to Hollywood hotshots featuring this very same premise, or at the very least something very similar to it.
The cable network Spike TV has optioned a pilot for a show called Back Nine. Utilizing a single-camera approach, Back Nine stars John Schneider a/k/a Bo Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard as a has-been, hard-partying professional golfer named Ronnie Barnes, a former U.S. Open champion who travels the countryside trying to qualify again for the Tour while getting into all sorts of trouble with Tiger, his sex-addicted caddy. The role of Tiger is yet unfilled, but Miguel Nunez, the star of the critically-acclaimed Juwanna Mann, is reportedly up for the part.
Wha???
Spike put the “Back Nine” script on the fast track almost a year ago. The sex-addict Tiger-named character was part of that early script and preceded by more than a year Woods’ November car crash that opened the floodgates to allegations about his extramarital affairs. Woods is expected to publicly address those allegations for the first time Friday.
God, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during that meet-and-greet.
Writer: “Yeah, so we have this show we’re calling Back Nine about a washed-up golfer trying to get back on Tour.”
Spike TV Executive: “No, that doesn’t sound very appealing.”
Writer: “What if I told you that John Schneider has signed on to star in the project?”
Spike TV Executive: “Still not interested.”
Writer: “How about this? His caddy is named Tiger, is a sex addict, and we are thinking of the guy from Juwanna Mann for the part.”
Spike TV Executive: “Juwanna Mann guy, a sex-addicted caddy named Tiger and Bo Duke? Well, sir, say no more. Spike TV wants to be in the Back Nine business!!”
End scene.
Tiger Woods … the TV series? [Zap2It]
Spike orders ‘Back Nine’ golf pilot [The Hollywood Reporter]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. I got up and strolled over to the other side of the cantina. I asked Wake N’ Blog, “Why you so fly?” it said, “Funky Cold Medina.” Tone Loc would want you to send me tips, so do it. Just do it.
• A state legislator in Maryland is tired of his constituents playing “genetic roulette” and is seeking a ban on marriage between first cousins. The money quote from Henry Heller, via the AP report: he would like to bring Maryland “into the enlightened world of other states such as West Virginia and Arkansas” that already prohibit unions of first cousins. Heh. West Virginia. Gold. [MSNBC/AP]
• Here are some ridiculous prop bets regarding Tiger Woods’ conference thingy today. [Simon On Sports]
• What’s this? FHF Canadian Olympic Hottie of the Day is a man? Alright, I’ll let it slide this time, fellas. You know, for my lady fans. [Four Habs Fans]
• You better go and read KSK’s Fantasy Football/Sex Mailbag, because you need some serious help, dude. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Evidence from Twitter that spring has sprung! [Walkoff Walk]
• The Legend of Epic Beard Man is a tale that must be told. [Out of Bounds]
• Fitting: a guy named Robin Hood has been busted for identity theft. [Busted Coverage]
• A former University of Michigan basketball player was arrested after trying to elude police by diving into a lake after a robbery. Oh yeah, he was naked. [You Been Blinded]
• Video of Jose Canseco’s MMA training. It’s douchetastic! [Outside the Boxscore]
• The beer company MillerCoors are a bunch of jerks. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• LPGA golfer Paula Creamer hurt her thumb. Unfortunately, it wasn’t one of those “million to one shot, doc” type of stories. [Waggle Room]
• A video that you have to see to believe: Danny Glover’s Predator Dance Party. [FilmDrunk]
• Chicks getting photographed doing silly things with hot dogs? Yes, please. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim [The Onion]
This Photo Is So Wrong, Yet So Amusing
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Hoo boy. I don’t know whether to thank the fine fellas at Uncoached for finding this photo or simply cut out the middleman and have my therapist send them my treatment bills directly.
Really, there isn’t much to add to this photo other than it is wrong, just wrong wrong wrong.
To be honest, I just wanted this terrifyingly hilarious photo to be one of the first things people see when visiting the site overnight. That’ll learn ‘em.
The Most Disturbing Picture You’ll See This Week [Uncoached]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (February 18th)
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• Sweet Fancy Moses! Photo evidence of Terrell Owens working the catwalk. He did a little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah. [Out of Bounds]
• Punte loves Dutch speedskater Sven Kramer. Find out why. [With Leather]
• Breaking down Shaun White’s ridiculous Double McTwist 1260. [The Sporting Blog]
• The Canadians are pretty pumped up about winning a silver medal in speedskating, at least the newspapers are. [Busted Coverage]
• Doesn’t it look like Joba Chamberlain farting in this photo? [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• The Cleveland Cavaliers are going to try and break the World Record for most people wearing snuggies in one place. Good luck with all that. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Henrik Stenson made $44,000 simply for showing up and withdrawing because of illness at the Accenture Match Play Championship. [Devil Ball Golf]
• A PGA player and friend of Tiger Woods declined to attend his whatever it is that is happening tomorrow. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• A guy who looks suspiciously like Jesus was arrested for touching the Olympic Flame. Could it have been him? Maybe. [Total Pro Sports]
Tony Kornheiser, You Ignorant Slut
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C’mon, just because Tony’s ding-a-ling ain’t got that swing any more, it doesn’t mean he has to go ahead and ruin it for the rest of us.
Speaking on his radio show a couple of days ago, here is what Kornholer had to say about the outfit Hannah Storm was wearing on SportsCenter (we believe the outfit in question is the one pictured above). Via The Big Lead:
“Hannah Storm in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She’s got on red go-go boots and a catholic school plaid skirt … way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now. She’s got on her typically very, very tight shirt. She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body … I know she’s very good, and I’m not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won’t … but Hannah Storm … come on now! Stop! What are you doing? … She’s what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point.”
TBL correctly points out that Miss Storm is actually 47-years-old, and if I may say so myself, she looks pretty damn good. So I suggest the lovely Hannah continue to stuff the envelope with her outfits. If you got it, flaunt it, right?
Further, I wonder if Don Ohlmyer, the ESPN Ombudsman, will have anything to say regarding one ESPN staffer harshly criticizing another employee of tWWL for the way they dress. Fur could fly, baby.
And by the way, those are clearly hooker boots – not go-go boots as Kornheiser refers to them – at least in my estimation. You know, because that would make Hannah an even nastier girl, which is good.
Tony Kornheiser Does Not Seem to Approve of Hannah Storm’s “Go-Go Boots” and “Very Very Tight Shirt” [The Big Lead]
It’s times like these when I wish I had an inkling of an idea of how to use Photoshop. But since I don’t, you will just have to do with a photo of them side-by-side and imagine how funny it would have been to put Tiger’s head on the Hulkster’s body. And I don’t have to tell you that it would have been hi-larious, but I will. And I did.
The Tiger Woods news items are coming in at a fast and furious pace, too quickly for your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger-Man to keep up, so I thought I would do the most sensible thing and just do a quick linkdump on all the shit that has been going down. So train hard, say your prayers and eat your vitamins (or your prescribed antipsychotics), because we’re coming at you hardcore, brother!
- The Tiger Woods Mardi Gras Float is teh awesome. [Out of Bounds]
- The Golf Channel’s Alex Maceli called Tiger “gutless.” [Devil Ball Golf]
- Ernie Els called Tiger’s decision to schedule his – whatever it is – on Friday, the same time as the Accenture Match Play Championship kicks off, saying, “It’s selfish. You can write that. I feel sorry for the sponsor. Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday. This takes a lot away from the golf tournament.” [Deadspin]
- Was the text of Tiger Woods’ press conference leaked? [Out of Bounds]
- Tiger’s camp says “NO WAY JOSE!” which is weird, because they said to a couple of guys named Corky and Hank at the New York Daily News. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
- Finally, the Tiger Woods press conference mixtape. [No Guts, No Glory]
And there you have it, although I suspect there are probably at least ten brand-spanking-new items in my FeedReader about Eldrick as I finish typing this.
Boo-hoo. Poor, poor TMZ. When will the fledgling organization ever catch a break? When you think about all the good works performed by Harvey Levin and his ham-fisted battalions of snooping, prying, privacy-violating carrion mercenaries, one has to wonder when all the good karma accumulated by TMZ will begin to finally pay off for them.
You see, the folks at TMZ are crying foul over the fact that one of the most eagerly-anticipated photos in recent memory, the one in which Tiger Woods is jogging, was simply released to Getty Images, thereby rendering the value of the photo to next to nothing for those who would have happily done nearly anything for the EXCLUSIVE shot. The nerve!
But when the image was released through Getty Images — a non-paparazzi, subscription-based photo agency — the value of the photo plummeted … as most major media outlets got the pic essentially for free as part of their deal with Getty.
TMZ has checked around with some major paparazzi agencies, who tell us the first picture of Tiger could have scored them more than $1,000,000 in worldwide distribution profits.
Dear God! What is wrong with this crazy, mixed-up world? Don’t they realize that they are taking food right out of the mouths of the children of these noble warriors, who want nothing else but to make an embarrassing spectacle out of the personal lives of people far more successful and talented then they could ever dream to be? Someone should organize a telethon for these poor souls.
And do you know what else? There’s more to this troubling tale. It appears that Getty Images and the PGA are in cahoots! Cahoots, I tell you!
FYI — Just 24 days before the shot was taken, Getty had announced a “multi-year” deal with the PGA, in which both sides touted the move as a “strategic partnership.” Turns out, they were right.
We called Getty for comment — but they’re on lockdown.
FYI, indeed. And an OMG for good measure, if I may. What is most shocking is the diabolical madness of both of these organizations. This ruse perpetuated by the powers-that-be in the PGA and Getty has been in the works for twenty-four days. Can you even begin to fathom the twisted patience and sadistic manner in which these companies can operate? No one is safe from their reign of terror. Before you know it, the only means through which people employed by agencies like TMZ will be able to provide for themselves is to do despicable things like digging through the garbage cans of those they greedily pursue without conscience or sense of decency.
Wait. They already do that. Whatever. I guess they just might have to stoop even lower if deplorable actions such as what just happened continue to be perpetrated by the likes of the PGA and Getty Images – about as sinister as well-respected, well-run organizations can get.
In all seriousness, get over it, TMZ. Another payday for you and your kind is just around the corner. Somebody famous is bound to screw up soon enough.
Tiger Woods Screws the Paparazzi [TMZ]
Olympic Athletes Be Screwin’
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But apparently, they are doing said screwing safely – or at the very least going in with the best intentions of doing so.
This just in: Olympic athletes are a bunch of horndoggers, rekindling images of wild, uninhibited and indiscriminate carnal coupling usually reserved for plot lines in teen sex romp comedies from the 1980s, like Hot Dog: The Movie (fittingly), Zapped! and The Last American Virgin.
First done as a public service at the 1992 Games in Barcelona, Olympic officials are again distributing free condoms to athletes, trainers, coaches and officials (everybody’s doing it!) in Vancouver.
That’s why the Vancouver organizers have laid in a stock of 100,000 condoms, which works out to 14 for each of the 7,000 athletes, coaches, trainers and officials housed in the Games’ two villages. (Apparently, skiing, skating and sliding aren’t the only activities at which Olympians excel.)
In 2000, Sydney organizers thought that 70,000 would be enough. They were wrong and had to send out for 20,000 more. Beijing also ordered 100,000 condoms with an Olympic motto: Faster, higher, stronger.
Hoo boy, that would be a lot of bangin’! But when you think about it, it makes total sense: most athletes competing are in peak physical condition, young and once they are finished competing, just want to kick back and have a good time. The Olympic Village after dark is probably a lot like the trendy nightclubs I’m not allowed into on steroids.
Picabo Street, the legendary U.S. skier who competed in three Olympics, agrees.
“It’s hundreds of auras, which does lead to a huge movement of energy. It’s not normal, resting energy; it’s jacked-up, hyped-up, on-the-brink-of-my-dream-coming-true, got-to-get-it, got-to-do-it energy, and it’s there all the time.”
Whew. That sounds like a lot of fun. I knew I shouldn’t have given up on my fledgling speed skating career, but the coaches thought I didn’t have it in me to compete at any level since I ankles flopped when I tried to stand up in the skates. I had the passion, just not the skills, which if translated to my ability to score some Olympic tail, means I probably wouldn’t have fared too well anyway. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
Olympic condom count holds steady [Game On!]
Cold days, hot nights: Olympic Village secrets [MSNBC]
Oh LSUFreek, You Cheeky Bastard!
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Why waste time with words when an expertly-executed animated .gif can say it all? You know, it could go something like this if Elin attends.
Genius. Simply genius. Well played, LSUFreek. Thank you.
Offsides: Previewing Tiger Woods’ News Conference [The Sporting Blog]
There it is, in all its diminutive splendor: Buck Hill. Where a young Lindsey Vonn got her start at two years old. Sure she began commuting out to Colorado to train before moving out to Vail in the late ’90s, but no one will ever be able to take away the fact she started at the humble hill in Burnsville, Minnesota.
Ah yes, Buck Hill. The Little Mound Of Dirt That Could. I see Buck every day when I am driving to work, rising out of the Minnesota River Valley – although it doesn’t take much to rise above the landscape around here – and I remember, just like Vonn, taking my first ski run at the little bump. I imagine Vonn fared better than I did, as I got tangled up in the tow rope on the bunny hill and got slowly and humiliatingly dragged up the nearly flat incline, frozen icicle snot hanging out of my nostrils, much to the amusement of other skiers gawking at my ineptitude.
Memories.
Buck Hill was the scene of a much more exciting – if not predictable – event than the sixth-grade version of Weed Against Speed making a fool of himself on the bunny slope. Despite already likely knowing the outcome and once again establishing the time-worn fact that Minnesotans are a bunch of damn rubes, fans still turned out in droves at Buck Hill for a “Let’s Watch Lindsey Vonn Win Gold And Act Like We Don’t Know How It Will Turn Out” party.
A video report on the “legendary” skiing locale after the jump.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Today is our treat. You know, we bought this time. You buy next time… Don’t let your eggs get cold. Send tips, comments, threats here. Grazie.
• Beppe Bigazzi, the 77-year-old host of a popular morning program in Italy, has been suspended by Italian state television after he regaled viewers with culinary wonders of the common feline. “Who’s not fat, kills the cat. Cat, soaked for three days in the running water of a stream” in Tuscany “comes out with its meat white, and I assure you — I have eaten it many times — that it is a delicacy,” Bigazzi continued. Who cares? Does anybody really like cats anyway? Filthy animals. To be honest, as an Italian, I am more offended by my weaksauce Luigi Risotto reference in the title of this post. Not because it is humorous stereotype of Italians – in fact, I love it – because I couldn’t come up with anything better. [MSNBC/AP]
• The photos that have surfaced of Tiger Woods jogging appear to indicate he’s replaced indiscriminate screwing with uninhibited eating. [Out of Bounds]
• Speaking of Tiger, the reaction of PGA Tour players regarding his not-really-a-press-conference are mixed. [Waggle Room]
• The Valentine’s Day undie run in D.C. was interesting, cellulite-y. [Busted Coverage]
• It’s becoming a tradition: your Canadian (Second Place) Olympic Hottie of the Day! [Four Habs Fans]
• Ugh. Ratings for the Olympics have taken a hit because of American Idol. What’s wrong with you people? Even if you already know who is going to win, the Olympics are still better than that freak show. [Sports Media Watch]
• Hilarious. In light of Oprah’s epic and supremely awkward interaction with Drew Brees, Chris Hanson’s Axe discusses other occasions when the Queen of All Media epic failed with a guest (nice to see a post up, fellas). [Style Points]
• The Top 10 unasked questions for Tiger Woods. [Five Tool Tool]
• Part II of IV of scams that Gourmet Spud has fallen for. He’s one of the best, kids. [Food Court Lunch]
• Who wouldn’t want a New York Jets helmet phone that was used at the 1997 NFL Draft is what I would like to know. [FirstCuts]
• One word: Dinoshark. That is all. [Warming Glow]
• Hilarious signs held by the homeless. We’re not laughing at them…yeah, we’re laughing at them. [Uncoached]
• A painfully entertaining BMX faceplant .gif. [Total Pro Sports]
• What do you mean? The U.S. snowboard team outfits are totally bitchin’, brah! [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Local Asshole Attains World-Class Status [The Onion]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (February 17th)
Posted by:• Jay-Z and Diddy weren’t pleased with Benny the Bull’s Beyonce tribute on All-Star weekend. [Ball Don't Lie]
• By now, you have probably seen the video of the old guy on the bus who was wearing a”I am a motherfucker” t-shirt beating some other guy’s ass. To add another level of intrigue, the old guy is the dude who was tasered at an A’s game last August. [With Leather]
• This week in Olympic heroes: Dany Heatley. [Food Court Lunch]
• Hilarious: one of the founders of Joe Sports Fan once appeared in Parade Magazine. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Backup quarterback extraordinaire A.J. Feely married soccer player Heather Mitts in Cabo. [The700Level]
• Video documenting Steve Nash requesting he be on the Canadian Olympic hockey team. [Total Pro Sports]
• Tommy from Quiznee makes another appearance to put some Saints fans in their place. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A Swedish film, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, foretold Elin’s golf club attack on Tiger. Creepy. [Out of Bounds]
• Johnny Weir is going to wrestle Goldust at Wrestlemania XXVI? Huh? [The Sports Hernia]
• The White Sox are trying to convince Johnny Damon to sign with them by taking him golfing. [Mouthpiece Sports]
• Some guy started an online petition in an attempt to get Brent Musburger and Bobby Knight off college basketball broadcasts. [Bootlegger Sports]
If Cowboys fans thought for one second that they had heard the last of Jessica Simpson, they best think again. In an interview with Allure magazine, Jessica claims that her and Tony (pictured above, in happier times) still talk and she remains the most untalented, pseudo-famous fan of the Dallas Cowboys.
“I’m still a fan. I’m a huge fan. I wear my gear, and I cheer Tony on. You know, I talked to Tony today. None of my breakups, none of it’s been bitter.”
Thank God! If they were not still in contact with each other, there would be little chance that Jessica would walk back into Tony’s love life and once again be his little, half-witted, big-titted, special someone. Without that, she could never be the catalyst for Romo’s quarterback play to revert back into the clusterfuck of a disaster it was when they were dating. This means there is still hope, Cowboys haters, and we can all be thankful for that.
As an aside, here are a few of the photos from Simpson’s Allure photo shoot. Not too shabby. The girl appears to have cleaned herself up nicely. Still dumb as a box of rocks, but looking good.
I know what you’re thinking, what do these photos have to do with sports? Sure, technically they are not sports-related, but if some photos can cause you to sport wood, that’s pretty close, right?
Jessica Simpson still a Cowboys fan, still talking to Tony Romo [The Dallas Morning News]
