Archive for February, 2010
GET BOB LEY I SAID!!!
Poor, poor Scott Sans Pelt. Captain Janks – he of The Howard Stern Show – got you – he got you good.
Here he thought he was getting the exclusive interview with recently released Eagles running back Brian Westbrook. Unfortunately, it was Howard Stern’s pawn, Captain Janks, impersonating Westbrook. And as The700Level pointed out, it doesn’t even sound like Westbrook.
Via Associated Content:
Janks, speaking as Westbrook, told Sports Center he “has nothing but respect for head coach Andy Reid and I look forward to a future of worshipping Howard Stern’s prostate”.
That’s Janks’ trademark– he always gets Stern’s name in on his prank.
Captain Janks has fooled many high profile media types in his day and Van Pelt will certainly not be the last. I want to feel sorry for Sans Pelt – I really do – but it’s way too good not to sit back and enjoy. Kind of like “The Jerky Boys” was way back in the day.
R-I-Z-Z…O! Awesome.
I wonder how many people ESPN is going to have to suspend for this gaffe.
Howard Stern Fan Claiming to Be Brian Westbrook Punks SportsCenter [The700Level]
Howard Stern’s Captain Janks Still Pulling Pranks [Associated Content]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, people. The Power of Christ compels you!
• Posters promoting the Broadway show Avenue Q have been taken down off Colorado bus shelters because of the cleavage displayed on a fuzzy pink puppet. The poster has been replaced with one that only shows the face of a puppet. That’s not very sexy. [MSNBC/AP]
• Courtesy of the fine fellas at FHF, your Golden Canadian Olympic Hottie of the Olympics. [Four Habs Fans]
• Tiger Woods apologized to the parents at his kid’s preschool. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Some French broadcasters suggested that Johnny Weir should take a gender test. [Out of Bounds]
• Ladies and gentlemen, the Nirvana figure skater from 1998. Grunge-y. And awkwardly hilarious.[Tremendous Upside Potential]
• At Target Field, you will be able to get Walleye on a Stick. As a Minnesotan, this makes me extremely proud and hungry. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Tim Tebow has announced he will eschew the scouting combine and save himself for Draft Day. Good for him for staying true to his morals. [Style Points]
• Olympic Ice Dancing Thong Photo! [Busted Coverage]
• Here’s an awesome spoof on the LeBron James “Witness” advertising campaign: a “Whiteness” t-shirt. Brilliant. [FirstCuts]
• Elin Nordegren was spotted in Dubai around Valentine’s Day. [Waggle Room]
• If you have nothing better to do with your life, you can log on to a website and sign a petition imploring the Jaguars to draft Tim Tebow. Get real. [Game On!]
• There were a bevy of busty babes at the AVN Awards. Bonerrific. [Uncoached]
• Excellent headline from KSK: “Trilateral Commission Chair Robot Peyton Manning Threw the Super Bowl to Appease Alien Free Mason Elders of Zion.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Day Job Officially Becomes Job [The Onion]
Last Call: ‘Not Now, I’m Busy’ Edition
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As regular, devoted readers of the Sportress, you are keenly aware of the incredible effort and intense focus it requires to continually churn out rock solid sports analysis like I do on a daily basis. Because of this, I was unable to adequately prepare a suitable introduction to tonight’s Last Call. I’m sure you will understand. The brilliance on display here can be extremely exhausting.
Ah, who am I kidding? I’m just too lazy to go look for something. Again, I’m sure you folks understand.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (February 23rd)
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• Ladies and gentlemen (you never know), your Canadian Olympic MILF Hottie of the Day! [Four Habs Fans]
• Sweet Christ, check out this douchebag’s Tim Tebow tattoo. This guy shouldn’t be allowed to breed. [Busted Coverage]
• Dramatic Olbermann vs. Dramatic Chipmunk: WHO YA GOT? [Epic Carnival]
• Because they don’t receive enough benefits out due to their careers, NBA players scored some serious Sony swag during All-Star Weekend. [FirstCuts]
• Vikings linebacker Ben Leber would like Brett Favre to just hurry up and decide. Methinks Ben Leber doesn’t quite get it. [Shutdown Corner]
• Michelle Wie is more famous than Jesus in Singapore. Given that only 14% of the people in Singapore are Christians, it kind of makes sense. [Devil Ball Golf]
• General Tao is pumped about Canada’s gold in ice dancing. Seriously. [Food Court Lunch]
• One day, you will remember where you were when you first heard about Wienergate. [Big League Stew]
• Zeta Tau Alpha, a predominately white sorority, just won a “Step-Off” tournament. I have no idea what that means. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Golf writer Dan Jenkins believes Tiger Woods is “Graveyard Dead.” Like in the video for “Thriller”? [Out of Bounds]
• One day in the future, we will need no cameramen. [Mouthpiece Sports]
Would you like to see a story you read or even wrote referenced in “It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?” Don’t just stand there, just get to it, send a link, there’s nothing to it.
Ugh.
Off Topic: Best. Men’s. Salon. Ever.
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If you are the type of guy who erroneously believes you are far too manly to enjoy the finer things in life like a massage or a manicure or a pedicure or a nice shave, you would most definitely change your mind if a shop like A Little Off The Top were opening in your town. As you can see above, “All services are performed by LICENSED Professionals in classy Lingerie.”
Hubba hubba.
Below is a little info about “A Little Of The Top,” a name that is fitting in more ways – sexier ways – than one.
We are a discreet Gentlemen’s Salon, offering the following services in Sexy Attire serving the Denver metro area.
Haircuts * Waxing * Massages * Pedicures * Shaving * Manicures
Our Salon boasts a plush lounge area which has a big screen TV and magazines while you wait for services to begin.
We also have flat screen TVs at each stylist chair so you never miss that big game…
All of our stylists are licensed and beautiful – even- our receptionist will take your breath away. Your visit to our salon will be unforgettable.
We are not your average, everyday, hair salon. Why settle for mediocrity, when you can have your salon services performed by a stunning woman in sexy attire.
Let us treat you like the king you are – we guarantee your usual stylist doesn’t stand a chance against us.
Discreet? Sexy attire? Treated like a king? Usual stylist? Take my breath away? Unforgettable? Stand? To?
I’m sold. That’s it, I’m moving to Denver. Alright, maybe that would be a bit rash, but here is what I would like to know:
WHY ARE THERE NOT SALONS LIKE THIS IN EVERY MAJOR METROPOLITAN AREA IN THE UNITED STATES??
It’s un-American, dammit. Although I’m not sure I could afford to get a manicure, pedicure, a shave and a haircut three times a week. Yes, I neglected to mention the massage – I would only have those twice a week – I’m not a total pervert, you know.
Most people are not aware of this, but bowling is a lifestyle, and avid bowlers are some of the happiest, salt-of-the-earth people on this planet. Not only are they usually in fantastic shape, they spend a majority of their time in luxurious bowling alleys, sipping on the finest hand-crafted brews while enjoying stimulating conversation with some of the most sophisticated, intelligent folks this side of a MENSA meeting.
Better yet, luck seems to follow them wherever they go. Case in point, one redundantly-named John Johnson. The 36-year-old bowler from Arvada, Colorado, in Reno for the U.S. Bowling Congress Open Championships this week, cashed in big time at the Reno-Tahoe International Airport, winning the $10.4 million jackpot on a $20 bet on a Megabucks MegaJackpot slot machine.
“I kept telling my wife that something was going to go well this week, whether it was bowling well or winning something, but I never could have imagined winning $10 million.”
“Three years ago I married my wife, Stephanie, here in Reno,” Johnson said. “All of us use the Open as a vacation every year, and we just come out to have a good time. Plus, bowling is a big part of my life. It’s really the best of everything.”
Indeed it is, John Johnson. Indeed it is. And the best part of this story is that Johnson still rolled with his Kamikaze Keglers on Monday. Man, money, notoriety, bowling – this guy has got it all. You know, it just doesn’t get any better than that.
Golden bowler strikes it rich [The Denver Post]
Mark Halaway, better known as WWE’s The Undertaker, suffered minor burns Sunday night in St. Louis after a pyrotechnics display that he routinely enters to had a “timing mistake” and set his jacket on fire.
World Wrestling Entertainment spokesman Robert Zimmerman says the wrestler, whose real name is Mark Calaway, is fine. In fact, he wrestled after being burned Sunday night and was back in the ring for WWE’s “Raw” show on Monday.
The Undertaker enters the ring as fireballs explode. Zimmerman says there apparently was a timing mistake Sunday and the wrestler’s jacket caught fire.
He threw down the jacket and was evaluated by a ringside physician. Zimmerman says The Undertaker’s chest was red as if he had gotten a sunburn but he was cleared to wrestle.
Timing mistake my ass! Now, to be frank, I haven’t been a big fan of professional wrestling since I was in junior high, so I might be behind the times on what is currently going on, but I can smell a rat when I, um, smell it:
The brainchild behind this entire operation was none other than Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Him or Cowboy Bob Orton. One of those two for sure. Or “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka. Could have been Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, too, come to think of it.
Pro wrestler suffers minor burns in mishap [SI/AP]
Boner Update: Still Missing
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Despite the best efforts of Vancouver authorities, Andrew Koenig, 41, best known for his role as Boner Stabone on Growing Pains, is still missing. Although his trip to Vancouver was not related to the Olympics, I am choosing to cover this as an Olympics-related story, because, well, why not? It’s Boner, people.
Koenig was reported missing last Thursday after he wasn’t on a return flight home to Venice, California last week. Authorities have combed over 150 miles of trails in Stanley Park, where Koenig was last seen on February 14th.
His father, Walter, stated on his website that he received a letter from his son with a “despondent tone” on February 16th.
“I think it’s something that has been part of his makeup for a long time,” the father said, adding that drugs were not involved. “There is no episode (that triggered his depression). There is nothing of that nature.”
The last time the family heard from Koenig by phone was Feb. 9, according to the father’s website.
At this point, authorities are ruling out foul play. Investigators believe that Koenig, who once lived in the Vancouver area, simply “doesn’t want to be found.”
I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to rule out foul play at this point. These sit-com sidekicks are an odd breed, run in strange circles and the rivalries between them and other former stars can grow incredibly intense. Case in point: does anybody know if Shavar Ross, a/k/a Dudley Ramsey from Diff’rent Strokes, happened to be in the Vancouver area last week? I heard there was some bad blood between the two. Find Dudley and you might just find Boner, which in a way, perfectly summarizes that “Bicycle Man” episode of Diff’rent Strokes. Just saying.
Boner from ‘Growing Pains’ still missing in Vancouver [USA Today]
The Big Lead just broke the story that Tony Kornheiser has been suspended by tWWL for the “controversial” comments he made on his radio show last week regarding some of Hannah Storm’s questionable wardrobe choices on SportsCenter.
Kornheiser – who apologized to Storm the day after the kerfuffle – was missing from PTI yesterday (Dan LeBatard filled in) and he opened his radio show today by quickly addressing the matter. An ESPN spokesman confirmed the suspension, which is anticipated to be “a few days.”
If you are coming to this story late, Kornheiser, on his radio show last Tuesday, had this to say about Miss Storm:
“Hannah Storm in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She’s got on red go-go boots and a catholic school plaid skirt … way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now. She’s got on her typically very, very tight shirt. She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body … I know she’s very good, and I’m not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won’t … but Hannah Storm … come on now! Stop! What are you doing? … She’s what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point.”
Probably a poor choice? Definitely. Worthy of a suspension? Not a chance. As stated above, Kornheiser already apologized for his comments. Further, ESPN once again makes the horrible PR mistake of fanning the flames of a story that for all intents and purposes was already last week’s news – both literally and figuratively.
And even more so, what Kornheiser said was balls-on accurate. Some of the outfits she would wear – while not inappropriate in the scandalous sense of the word – were a little over-the-top considering her role as lead anchor on the network’s flagship program.
Give Tony K. a break, man. He is as self-deprecating as they come and what he said was clearly off-the-cuff, so to speak, so why insist on subjecting this overblown incident to another news cycle? Considering the topic, perhaps “cycle” isn’t the best word to use here, since my guess is most of Hannah Storm’s outfits are dry clean only.
Tony Kornheiser Does Not Seem to Approve of Hannah Storm’s “Go-Go Boots” and “Very Very Tight Shirt” [The Big Lead]
♪ ♪ Man stutters, Jon Jankowski’s comin’.
He’s finally on his own.
This winter I hear the mumblin’.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
♪ ♪ Gotta get down to it.
Producers are putting him on.
Should have been done long ago.
What if you knew him and
Found him hyperventilating on the court?
How can you laugh when you know?
♪ ♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
♪ ♪ Gotta get down to it.
Producers are putting him on.
Should have been done long ago.
What if you knew him and
Found him hyperventilating on the court?
How can you laugh when you know?
♪ ♪ Man stutters, Jon Jankowski’s comin’.
He’s finally on his own.
This winter I hear the mumblin’.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio.
Boom goes the dynamite in Ohio. ♪ ♪
The Kent State shootings in 1970? The song “Ohio” by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young? Any of it ringing a bell? No? You young damn whippersnappers.
Uncomfortable Moments In Sideline Reporting History: Kent State Basketball Edition [Sharapova's Thigh]
It’s such a crazy idea, it just might work. We are apparently long past the era when pole dancing was an activity strictly reserved for strip clubs. With the proliferation of pole-dancing-themed workout classes and the International Pole Dancing Fitness Championships now in its second year, the “sport” has come a long way, baby.
Next stop: the Olympics.
We were collectively blown away yesterday by the grizzly awesomeness of Jayson Werth’s Epic Beard. Of course, the blogsosphere/Twittersphere are having a great time with it. Many thanks to The700Level for linking to this post from The Fightins who linked to some awesome photoshop goodness by a variety of talented photoshoppers. Above is my favorite one, Jayson Werth as Falcor from The Neverending Story (via @mistertug).
Below are two additional favorites of mine:
The Dude Abides (via The Good Fight)
Jive Talkin’ (via @BlueJayHunter)
Many more brilliant photoshops can be found at The Fightins. Phenomenal work by everyone.
The Evolution of Jayson Werth’s Face [The700Level]
Beard [The Fightins]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, comments and images of x-rays here.
• To be fair, the Treaty of Versailles was a snooze-fest. A substitute teacher at Cliff High in New Mexico is in hot water after playing a video of a History Channel program about the Treaty of Versailles that was taped over a porno. A few seconds of pornographic images appeared in the video and the tape was played for students twice. The sub claims he got the video from a friend. [MSNBC/AP]
• Kurt Vonnegut wrote about sports? Whaa? [Style Points]
• Blogosphere favorite Buzz Bissinger is no fan of Brett Favre. [The Sporting Blog]
• There is no offseason for Raiders jokes. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Washington Nationals Tyler Clippard ate a lucky hot dog. [More Hardball]
• Playgirl wants to do a Michael Vick pictorial. [Shutdown Corner]
• Surprise: Michael Phelps looked like a douche at the Winter Olympics. Nice scarf. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• The NHL’s five biggest surprises at this point. [Puck Daddy]
• Gold medal-winning figure skater Evan Lysacek is dating gymnast Nastia Liukin. [With Leather]
• Natalie Portman will star in a movie about pothead friends. Nice. [FilmDrunk]
• Twins manager Ron Gardenhire gave Canuck Justin Morneau some grief about the U.S.-Canada hockey game. [Big League Stew]
• A funny version of Two & A Half Men? I gotta see this. [Warming Glow]
• Norm MacDonald rules. [Uncoached]
• The Onion Headline of the Week: Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners [The Onion]
I am not exactly sure why, but this helmet worn by Slovenian skier Tina Maze gives me the heebie-jeebies.
The eyes are so alive yet dead. So inquisitive, yet indifferent. So loving in appearance, yet burning with contempt. So (insert descriptive word here), yet (go to Thesaurus.com, find antonym, insert here).
You get the drill. Still creepy though.
Picture Of The Day: Creepiest Helmet Ever? [Total Pro Sports]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (February 22nd)
Posted by:• I missed this morning, but here is FHF’s Canadian Olympic Hottie of the Day. [Four Habs Fans]
• Peter King does not want you to be excited for the NFL Scouting Combine, which means I am now totally pumped up for it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Lindsey Vonn had some fun with the Tiger Woods apology. [Out of Bounds]
• Olympic Hockey: more popular than Miley Cyrus, at least according to Google Trends. She is still number one with pedophiles everywhere. [From The Rink]
• A White Sox reality show starring Ozzie Guillen? Genius! [Mouthpiece Blog]
• Being Sergio Garcia. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Everybody be on the lookout for the ‘Bama Tranny! [Busted Coverage]
• My good friends at MYFO recap what is going on in Olympic hockey. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Of course I would like to purchase this USA/Canada bubble hockey game. $800??? Man! [FirstCuts]
• Rumor has it Roberto Luongo will be in between the pipes in Canada’s next game against the Germans. [Puck Daddy]
• Mary Carillo and Bruce Jenner: separated at birth? [Joe Sports Fan]
• Steve Nash: not happy about the outcome of the US-Canada hockey game. [Ball Don't Lie]
• The Top 10 developments from the U.S. beating Canada. [Five Tool Tool]
• Happy Birthday, Dr. J! [Game On!]
• Jared Allen’s mullet will have its revenge of Madden 11. [The Last Angry Fan]
• I too would like to go fishing with these lovely ladies. [Uncoached]
