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Olympics

Vladimir Putin Is Primed To Hunt Down And Kick Some Figure Skating Judge Ass

A piece of advice for any of the judge’s who presided over the men’s figure skating program last night in Vancouver:

RUN FOR YOUR GODDAMN LIVES!!

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin ain’t too pleased with the results of last night, when Evgeny Plushenko’s amazing career comeback bid fell just short of perfection, as he bitterly accepted the silver medal after losing out on gold to American Evan Lysacek. Said Putin in a telegram addressed to Plushenko:

“I would like to sincerely congratulate you on the wonderful Olympic performance — your silver is worth gold.”

“You were able to overcome all the obstacles in your brave comeback and performed the most accomplished program on the Vancouver ice.”

“All Russian figure skating fans admire your brilliance, true fighting spirit, courage and the will to win. Well done!”

Plushenko himself criticized the outcome, saying unless a skater can land a quad, they are not a worthy champion. Lysacek did not attempt one in his gold medal-winning routine.

“You can’t be considered a true men’s champion without a quad,” the 27-year-old told Russian state television RTR.

“For someone to stand on top of the podium with the gold medal around his neck by just doing triple jumps, to me it’s not progress, it’s a regress because we’ve done triples 10 or even 20 years ago,” Plushenko said.

“Just doing nice transitions and being artistic is not enough because figure skating is a sport, not a show,” he said.

“Of all the men who had competed tonight, only two — myself and (Japan’s) Takahiko Kozuka (who finished eighth) — were able to land a clean quad.

Hey Plushenko, want some cheese with your wine? Maybe vodka would be more appropriate. I’m no figure skating guru, so I will not say whether or not Plushenko’s opinions are fair criticism or if Lysacek’s gold medal is somehow tainted, but given the subjective nature of scoring in figure skating, anything can happen. That doesn’t mean the meanest, no-shirt-wearin’ Judo-kickin’, rifle-totin’ world leader ain’t looking for some comeuppance, dammit.

Now, Putin doesn’t go out and actually threaten the figure skating judges, but if you put two and two together, I think you can figure out the score here. Most people who disappoint Vladimir Putin usually live to regret it. Alexander Litvinenko could tell you that much. You know, if he wasn’t dead and stuff.

Here are some older photos of Putin putting in the training necessary to prepare himself to stalk his prey.

Figure skating judges, you have been warned.

Putin attacks Plushenko judging [Reuters]

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