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Let’s Play ‘Fire Joe Morgan’ With Jason Whitlock’s Most Recent Column, Shall We?

whitlock

I have done this previously with Whitlock columns but haven’t in quite a while, but after reading his column published Thursday, “Here’s the truth behind the Tiger Woods scandal,” I thought now was as good a time to bring it back as ever.

You would have to be pretty gullible to believe that this wasn’t one of Whitlock’s patented “Let’s throw a bunch of shit against a wall, see what sticks, whip everyone up into a frenzy and then gleefully relish in how everybody has a complete and total meltdown about it” routines.

Therefore, instead of me gnashing my teeth and playing right into Whitlock’s portly hands, let’s just FJM this bad boy, how does that sound?

There’s more money and less intellectual effort in judging, vilifying and diminishing Tiger Woods than in providing the public a lens to understand him and a sports world/culture that long ago was perverted by television’s money and fame.

Okay. Not a bad start. Go on, Jason.

It takes no courage or thought…

To write a typical Jason Whitlock column. Or an FJM-style breakdown of a typical Jason Whitlock column, for that matter.

…to recognize Tiger’s personal failure. He, as far as we know, shamed his wife and family. We can assume Tiger’s Swedish wife adopted our American marriage value of strict monogamy…

Yeah, those Swedes, man. Their morals, values and thoughts on marriage are completely fucked. I think these attitudes come from Viking times.

…and she is mortified and shocked that her ridiculously famous, handsome, billionaire husband gave in to the temptation of road beef.

Hey! Road beef is a blogger term! Back up, fatty. That’s okay…I’ll wait until I hear you beeping.

Yes, assumption is the platform from which all insightful ideas, opinions and perspective are based.

And over-consumption is the platform from which Whitlock’s morbid obesity is based.

Armed with the supposition that this brown-skinned golfer has irreversibly harmed an attractive, blonde-haired, blue-eyed white woman…

I believe Ice Cube would have referred to her as a Cave Bitch – in 1993 – now, he’s too busy making family movies.

…much of the sports media have turned Elin Nordegren into Natalee Holloway and reached for ratings and relevancy by traveling the route paved by Nancy Grace.

You can always tell the route that Nancy Grace took by the slimy snail trail.

There is, believe it or not…

I believe you. No PowerPoint presentations, please!

…another direction to explore.

Can we take the Great Space Coaster?

There is another reality we can reluctantly accept.

Kind of like after I wake up from an amazing dream where I own a Pegasus?

If we choose, we, the media, can do our job and put Tiger’s transgressions in their proper context and explain to the public what happened to the perceived traditional ideals of the sports world.

Thanks for explaining these complicated issues to us mouthbreathers, o’ wise media! We wouldn’t be able to come to our own conclusions without your benevolence.

The high-character values and morality we’ve ascribed to the male and female athletes who entertain us were a myth in the 20th century and a flat-out impossibility now.

So, to illustrate, it’s kind of similar to how the probability of Whitlock ever seeing his penis again without looking in the mirror has decreased with each passing year, right?

When television took control of sports 40 years ago, athletes became America’s first reality TV stars and no different from daytime soap opera stars.

Not Susan Lucci!

When television’s money and spotlight began turning 20-year-old athletes into instant millionaires, celebrities and brands, the Jordans, Peyton Mannings, LeBron James, Roger Clemens, Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps…

Shouldn’t that read the LeBron Jameses, Roger Clemenses, Tiger Woodses and Michael Phelpses? You know, for consistency?

…of the world became no different from Jon Bon Jovi, Mick Jagger, George Clooney, LL Cool J, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, Elizabeth Taylor and Robert Redford.

Hey, that sounds an awful lot like a Robert Evans hot tub party, baby! (Thanks, Drew)

How many women do you think Jagger bedded in his prime?

Um, 100? Am I supposed to keep guessing?

His wealth, fame and looks pale in comparison to Tiger’s.

Is he implying that Mick Jagger is not devastatingly handsome?

mickjagger_bp

Gah! Nevermind, I’ll give him that one.

When Phelps returned from the Olympics, he hit a bong and the strip clubs, bedding strippers, according to gossip magazine testimony, two and three at a time.

Who does Phelps think he is? Fredo? Would that mean that Whitlock is Moe Greene in this scenario?

You think when Phelps finds the love of his life, he’ll dial it back and satisfy himself with vanilla sex when his wife decides to give it to him?

I’m more of an almond extract sex kind of guy. But definitely not nutmeg sex.That’s perverse!

That’s right. Men who grow up eating at five-star steakhouses…

Does he mean like Sizzler and Ponderosa?

…often happily learn to love Hamburger Helper five nights a week.

Little does Whitlock know that the Helping Hand is a straight up pimp when it comes to the ladies. If you’re cool, the Hand will hook you up.

We’re outraged and stunned that Tiger has had a dozen alleged affairs. The typical rock or movie star…

I can see the movie star, but a rock? I find it hard to believe most rocks are sexually promiscuous. Unless he’s referring to quartz. Sometimes, you just tell.

…is laughing and/or questioning Tiger’s sexuality…

They think Tiger is gay? That doesn’t even make sense!

…if the golfer limited himself to a number below 50 since marriage and 500 in his post-puberty lifetime.

I remember when I hit post-puberty. Senior year in college was awesome.

The notion that golf, with its history of unapologetic racism and sexism, is somehow filled with men of impeccable integrity is a hysterical lie propagandized by hypocritical white men willing to commit the same crime they charge Tiger and his sponsors pulled off: the upholding of a patently false image.

They do it with those carnival mirrors. Fred Funk told me so.

“You play golf to drink with your boys, smoke cigars and talk about (sex),” former NBA player John Salley told me Wednesday.

Well, if John Salley said so. But what does Tom Arnold think? It’s The Best Damn Gold Talk Period, dammit.

“And now we’re surprised that a golfer was having sex. We think Tiger is the only one. Why are we treating Tiger like he’s elected to public office? He plays golf, man.”

Thanks, John. Now go back to doing whatever it is you do.

This column is not meant to excuse Tiger’s irresponsible behavior.

I think it is.

The column isn’t a contradiction of what I wrote when Steve McNair was killed.

But what if it is?

People have e-mailed me asking what justifies the difference in tone and content of the columns I’ve written about Woods and McNair.

Justify yourself!

Murder and suicide.

Oh.

The accusation that McNair maintained a separate home from his wife and kids. And the fact that McNair, for months, manipulated and preyed upon a 19-year-old child who lost her parents, fled a country, moved away from her adopted family at 16, drove while impaired in all likelihood to protect McNair and was incapable of financially supporting herself.

19 year old child? When did they change the law? It wasn’t before 2002, right?

Iceberg Slim showed more compassion…

On the other hand, Fatboy Slim would have to praise you like he should.

…for his hos than McNair did to the obviously emotionally and mentally wounded girl who allegedly killed herself and McNair.

Allegedly? Is the jury still out on that one?

Sorry for the digression.

Apology accepted.

Despite Tiger’s web site statement apologizing for “transgressions” that let his family down, I don’t know — and neither do you — Tiger and Elin’s sexual values.

A woman once told me my sexual value was “negative four orgasms”, but she was one cold senior citizen. And partially senile.

They would not be America’s first adult couple (let alone celebrity couple) to agree that extracurricular sex is acceptable as long it remains non-embarrassing for the other spouse.

Thomas Jefferson was a visionary.

Since we’ve legalized assumption…

Can weed be next?

I’ve chosen to assume Elin’s hijacking of Tiger’s cell phone…

9/11.

…and threats to call Jaimee Grubbs were provoked by the National Enquirer or some gossip magazine contacting Tiger, Elin or one of her friends for comment on an upcoming expose about Rachel Uchitel or one of Tiger’s bim-hos.

Bim-hos! Shaaazaaam!

For all we know, his “transgressions” might be the overall sloppiness of his affairs.

Tiger wanted his Red Wings. Live and let live, I say.

Rather than bloviate and hypocritically posture…

Enough about what happens when you’re on the toilet, Jason.

…in a column or on TV/radio about non-criminal sex between consenting adults, wouldn’t it be wise to examine what Tiger’s perceived failure signifies beyond his humanity?

That he’s a horndogger? Dr. Drew would likely call him a sex addict, and then wonder who in the hell those people are on his VH1 show. Seriously, I watched about 10 minutes one day and I couldn’t name any of them.

Is the public really served by Rick Reilly sitting on SportsCenter…

Don’t remind me.

…advising Tiger to appear on Oprah…

Hey, to each their own, but if Tiger is banging the Big O, I don’t need to see it.

…skip the Masters and U.S. Open, prove to Elin and his fans that his marriage is more important than golf, fire his caddy, IMG and anyone Elin doesn’t trust, refuse to take money from his sponsors and grant the media in-home interviews?

How about on-boat interviews? Did you know that Tiger named his boat Privacy? You probably had not heard that yet.

Is the public really served by Herm Edwards….

“You play to score the ‘tang.”

…a defrocked football preacher…

I say let him be frocked again.

…sitting on SportsCenter criticizing Tiger’s inner circle for failing to properly advise him to avoid extramarital sex?

Hey, the guy did coach the Chiefs. That should count for something. Heck, Marty Shottenheimer now gives couples seminars.

The naivete of the commentary about Tiger is astounding. I’m a grown man with a weight problem.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, Jason. Good for you.

Does Herm believe none of my friends has said: “Yo, dog, why you gotta get extra cheese and bacon on that Wendy’s triple?”

Usually they only say that after his fifth one, but who’s counting?

Does Herm believe the families of drug abusers cheer on every snort of coke?

Only on really huge rails.

Tiger is a grown-ass man with a billion dollars. It’s hard to advise a laid-off factory worker.

You just have to speak louder. All that heavy machinery does a number on their hearing.

It’s more likely that Tiger ignored his inner circle than his inner circle failed to flash warning signs.

They have flash cards with warnings on them? What’s 2 call girls + 2 condoms equal?

Herm — like Reilly, TMZ, US Weekly — is simply feasting on Tiger like a vulture, picking at Tiger’s carcass in an attempt to rehabilitate himself. Herm and his agent recognized that commenting on Woods gave Herm a shot at passing himself off as the life/morality-coach alternative to Tony Dungy.

But does Herm hate gays?

Herm was auditioning for the job to “help” Tiger or be Notre Dame’s next coach. You think Herm will muster the courage to get preachy on television and offer personal advice to the football coaches and players he knows for a fact are living the same “misguided” life as Tiger Woods?

Only if that player is named Chad Pennington.

Reilly’s advice was so asinine, contradictory and hey-look-at-me-and-not-Bill Simmons self-serving that it’s really unworthy of rebuke. Let me summarize it: “Hey, Tiger, prove you’re not fake by doing a bunch of fake (spit) that doesn’t fit your personality and invite me over to write about it.”

Asinine? Is that a dental term?

ESPN killed sports journalism.

They did it by the bike rack with a decoy coyote.

It hired, overpaid and showered our best and brightest with fame, turning many of them into jig-dancing clowns unprepared to insightfully examine the sports world they allegedly cover.

But they do it loudly!

When Ralph Wiley prematurely died, we lost our Hunter S. Thompson, the man who famously chronicled Rock & Roll culture from the inside without passing judgment.

Has Whitlock ever read Hunter S. Thompson? I’m not so sure he has.

Somehow we think our job is to uphold the myths, protect the squeaky image of the games and trash the competitors whose failings (steroids) show the public what the games truly are (a staged performance for profit).

Sports are like strip clubs.

Let’s act like golfers, like the majority of wealthy men, don’t know the Rachel Uchitels of the world, don’t frequent Las Vegas nightclubs where a pool cabana or table bottle service guarantee a parade of drunken Barbie Dolls looking for Mr. Right Now.

That’s the weirdest improv scenario ever. But can I be Mr. Right Now this time?

A heterosexual male celebrity athlete/entertainer who likes to socialize faces tremendous pressure from longtime friends and corporate friends to entertain. If the boys are hitting a club, South Beach or Las Vegas, it’s Tiger’s job to attract the women. This is far more important than Tiger picking up the tab or securing a lady for himself.

Pimp!

“Hook ya boy up!” is the rallying cry of a single man and many men given a weekend pass by their wife or girlfriend.

My friends and I had a rallying cry back in our partying days, but it sure wasn’t it “Hook ya boy up!” It was more like, “Whoever is the least drunk is driving to Denny’s!”

“I’m happily married and I still go through it now,” NFL tight end Tony Gonzalez shared with me Wednesday.

october

And how!

“Right or wrong, it’s an expectation that guys have, whether it’s your teammates or the friends you’ve had all your life. They want you to go out because they think, ‘Man, you know Tony is going to have some girls around.’ I’ve dealt with that pressure and still do to some degree.”

Sucks to be Tony.

This is why I believe some of the un-closeted bim-hos are lying or have been misidentified by the gossip rags. They’re throwing women out there and fame-hungry women are volunteering because they know you don’t understand the culture. A moderately attractive woman can easily move in a famous man’s circle without ever getting close to her target.

They are like assassins. Sexy assassins not wearing panties.

That is not written to suggest Tiger is not a womanizer. It’s written to provide context. Tiger operates in a cesspool. He’s never portrayed himself as a religious holy roller. His values appear, like most, sexular.

Sexular. I see what he did there. Nicely played.

There’s no reason for surprise about any of this, particularly his choice of conquests.

Some of them are pretty skanky, though.

As far as I know, Tiger grew up on golf courses in suburban Orange County, raised by an African-American, Chinese and Native American father and Thai, Chinese and Dutch mother.

Is he implying that this isn’t how it really went? We’ve been lied to from the beginning!

That is not the recipe for falling in love with sistas regardless of Tiger’s brown skin and full lips.

How so?

By profession and diction, the dude would be considered a nerd by most brothers and sisters. Take away his billion dollars and many of the sisters whining that Tiger prefers blondes would continue their search for a tatted-up, corn-rowed, slang-talking real brother.

I’m not even dignifying this last pasage with a snarky comment.

(If that description doesn’t fit you, then don’t complain. Destiny’s Child sang and sold “Soldier” because somebody was feeling it.)

The ladies from Destiny’s Child were in that Kurt Russell movie?

Tiger’s choice in women isn’t a statement about how he feels about us (black folks). It’s a statement about where and how he grew up.

Holy crap, this shit is getting deep. Are we almost finished here? No?

The reaction to Tiger’s preference exposes America’s deep-seated racial hang-ups. Black and white people are equally troubled by Tiger’s parade of Caucasian conquests. This unrest is fueling much of the media manipulation of and wallowing in this story.

Well, I’ll be! Tiger is like a modern day O.J.! Without the double murder (allegedly).

“If Elin was black, this would be a Left Eye-Andre Rison situation and everyone would move on,” John Salley cracked.

I thought I told you to get lost, Salley.

When I talked with sociologist Dr. Harry Edwards, he addressed the racial dynamic more seriously.

Sociologist?

“If Elin were black, this would be on the scale of Mike Tyson and Robin Givens,” Dr. Edwards explained. “It would’ve lasted a while and then it would just go away.”

So, he is saying the story would fade into Bolivian, then.

That may sound preposterous to some, but it’s not. The media and the public overreact to whatever crimes/unfairness befall an attractive white woman (Natalee Holloway). Jordan, Ali and Magic all managed to play on their black wives without receiving much criticism. Shaquille O’Neal just finished off the remaining credible pieces of his marriage to a black woman by allegedly having an ongoing affair with Gilbert Arenas’ fiancee. No one cares. But this brown-skinned golfer is facing ruin because he cheated on his white wife.

Holy crap.

“You’re getting reverberations of O.J.,” Dr. Edwards said.

Hey! I just said that! Maybe I should be a sociologist.

“White America, corporate America feels betrayed. Tiger was accepted and given all the perks and benefits and now they feel betrayed, the same betrayal they felt with O.J. There are some (black) celebrities that get to dip their biscuit in the gravy of corporate America and then there are some that are given their own bowl of gravy. Tiger had rare access. His sponsors choreographed a superhuman image to promote a sport and sell product. They gave him everything except the latitude to exercise his humanity. There are no super humans down here. There’s only us, and sometimes we blow it.”

Of course there are no super humans down here. They’re up in the sky, flying around and fighting crime. Duh.

The media cries for Woods to publicly handle his private life sound crazy to Dr. Edwards, too.

I’m sorry, but I’m sick of Dr. Edwards. I’d rather hear from Mr. Edwards, for crying out loud.

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“My advice to him would be to take off with his family to some remote island for three months or however long it took to get something worked out,” Edwards said. “When I came back, I’d go straight to the golf course. When I was asked about my personal problems, I’d say: ‘I messed up. I’m still trying to get that right. Let’s talk about golf.’ If the questions persisted, I’d apologize, put the microphone down and walk away. Anything he has to say should be shared only with his family.

Good call, Dr. Edwards. Media types will obviously go, “Huh. Okay. Good point, Tiger. Let’s talk about golf then.” Moron.

“He shouldn’t worry about bouncing all the way back (as an endorsement force),” Edwards continued. “The one thing we know is that when a ball drops from 15 feet when it bounces back up, it’s only going to rise to 12 feet.”

Thanks, Dr. Wizard.

Jesus. That was some crazy-ass shit right there – especially toward the end. Thank God that’s done.

Here’s the truth behind the Tiger Woods scandal [Fox Sports]

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