Archive for November, 2009
Vikings Head Coach Abruptly Steps Down
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Ha. Tricked you. It’s not Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress I’m referring to – much to the dismay of some Vikings fans, despite the team’s 8-1 record – it’s Jerry Glanville. The former NFL head coach of the Houston Oilers and Atlanta Falcons in the late eighties and early nineties has stepped down as head coach of the Portland State Vikings as the team has struggled to a 2-9 (1-7 in the Big Sky Conference) – the worst season for Oregon State since 1982.
Glanville’s decision was announced by athletic director Torre Chisholm during a news conference on Tuesday, which Glanville did not attend, so it’s a pretty much unknown why Glanville elected to resign, although the poor record of the Vikings may have had something to do with it.
Many of you may remember Glanville as a kooky fella who always wore black and often was seen wearing a cowboy hat and frequently left tickets at the gate for Elvis Presley for games. In fact, Glanville wrote a book entitled Elvis Don’t Like Football and is credited for bringing about the popularity of the Run & Shoot offense (with Warren Moon orchestrating it) in the NFL. After his coaching career in the NFL came to an end, Glanville brought his unique perspective to HBO’s Inside the NFL, CBS’s The NFL Today/NFL on CBS as well as working for Fox.
Happy trails, Mr. Glanville. Football won’t be the same without you. You know, maybe he finally found Elvis. Good for him.
Jerry Glanville quits as Portland State football coach [Oregon Live]
The Big Black Attack [SI]
Jerry Glanville Resigns at Portland State [Fanhouse]
• NHL. Washington Capitals 4, New York Rangers 2. Alexander Ovechkin returned from a two-week layoff due to injury and scored a goal to lead the Caps past the Rangers. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA. Denver Nuggets 130, Toronto Raptors 112. Carmleo Anthony led the way with 32 points and J.R. Smith added 29 as Denver improved to 8-3 on the season. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• MMA. Brock Lesnar was released from a hospital in North Dakota on Tuesday after being hospitalized for a bacterial infection after having minor surgery. It is still unknown how the illness will affect his career. [Star Tribune]
• I have lost respect for the New Oxford American Dictionary. Due to its popular use on Facebook, ‘unfriend’ has been named Word of the Year. Whoo. Christine Lindberg, a Oxford lexicographer, claims that unfriend has “real lex appeal.” Seriously? [AOL/AP]
• Site News. I’m sure the tens of you who read the Sportress daily will be thrilled to know that we will be returning to a full posting schedule. Happy days, right? I have finally got everything running the way it is supposed to be so now I will be able to devote all of my attention to dimwitted, half-assed dickjokery. Whee! Thanks for your patience – at least those of you who haven’t already forgotten about me and this silly blog.
• NFL. Baltimore Ravens 16, Cleveland Browns 0. In one of the ugliest games in recent Monday Night Football history, the Ravens and Browns went scoreless in the first half but Ray Rice scored on a 13-yard run on Baltimore’s first series and Dawan Landry intercepted Brady Quinn’s pass on the Cleveland’s next offensive play and returned it 48 yards for a touchdown and effectively blew open the game. Brady Quinn was an abysmal 13-31 for 99 yards, no touchdowns and two interceptions. Yeesh. [Yahoo!/AP]
• NHL. Philadelphia Flyers 3, New Jersey Devils 2. Darroll Poew, Scott Hartnell and James van Riemsdyk each scored as Philadelphia halted New Jersey’s eight-game winning streak. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA. Dallas Mavericks 115, Milwaukee Bucks 113 (OT). Dirk Nowitzki hit a 18-foot jumper as time expired in overtime to give the Mavs the win, their eighth in their last ten. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• NFL. Indianapolis Colts 35, New England Patriots 34. Trailing 34-21 with four minutes left in the game, Peyton Manning rallied the Colts to a thrilling comeback victory in large part to Patriots head coach Bill Belichick’s decision to go for it on 4th down at New England’s 28 with 2:02 left to go. Kevin Faulk’s reception came up short and Manning threw a 1-yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne with 13 seconds remaining in regulation. [Yahoo!/AP]
• NHL. Chicago Blackhawks 4, San Jose Sharks 3 (SO). Brent Seabrook scored 41 seconds into overtime to give Chicago their seventh straight home victory. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA. Houston Rockets 101, Los Angeles Lakers 91. Aaron Brooks scored 33 points, including 5 three-pointers, as the Rockets handed the Lakers their second consecutive loss. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• It looks like Mr. Bookman is slacking on the job. Georgette Bordine, a librarian at Camelback High School in Phoenix, was shocked to receive two overdue books along with a check for $1,000 for overdue fees for two books that were checked out in 1959. The Audobon Society books were returned by a person who wished to remain anonymous. The anonymous person’s next order of business? Returning an overdue Betamax copy of The Man With One Red Shoe. [AOL/AP]
• Site News. As some of you may have noticed, the Sportress hasn’t been generating much content over the last couple of days. I have been battling malfunctioning computers at work. To make matters worse, my wireless network at home went all haywire. The home network situation is now resolved (thankfully) and I’m slowly getting the computers back to full operational status at my place of employment. It’s been a real grind to say the least, given my lack of expertise as far as computers are concerned. With that said, it will be touch and go as far as content today. I hate it when real work interferes with my non-paying blogging gig. Sigh. But I will do my best to get some stuff up at some point today. If not, we’ll be back to normal on Monday. Apologies – I know you don’t come here to read about my issues at work – you come here for my poorly constructed dick jokery. Thanks for your patience.
• NFL. San Francisco 49ers 10, Chicago Bears 6. Jay Cutler threw five, count ‘em – five – interceptions – a career high – as the Bears lost its fourth in the last five. Frank Gore ran for 104 yards in the victory as San Francisco snapped a four-game losing streak. [Yahoo!]
• NHL. Florida Panthers 1, Boston Bruins 0 (SO). Tomas Vokoun made 40 saves for Florida and Tim Thomas stopped 23 shots in regulation and overtime for Boston, but Thomas allowed the only goal of the game in the shootout to Cory Stillman. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA. Cleveland Cavaliers 111, Miami Heat 104. In a showdown of impending free agents, Dwyane Wade (36 points) outdueled LeBron James (34 points) in head-to-head scoring, but James’ team stretched their lead to 11 points in the fourth quarter which the Heat could not make up. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
Last Call: Work Computers Meltdown Edition
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Howdy, everyone. How ya doing? Me? Oh, great. Really, really great.
I have spent the last two days putting out fires here at my wonderful place of employment, specifically the shitastic computers we have. It’s been a real blast. And amazingly, the shitstorm isn’t even over with yet. With that, I have a few things I would like to get off my chest.
Fuck shitty antivirus programs. Fuck malware scans. Fuck System Restore. Fuck creating a new restore point. Fuck Safe Mode. Fuck starting in safe mode with command prompt. Fuck Windows Installer popping up for no goddamn reason whatsoever. Fuck redirecting malware. Fuck people who open up e-mails that have been quarantined. Fuck MSN games and people who believe that they need to have over 50 different games downloaded. Fuck not updating your java software. Fuck trojans. Fuck the fact that I know pretty much jack shit about computers yet I am the one who has to fix everyone else’s problems because I’m the only one who knows pretty much jack shit.
Ahhhhh. There. I feel so much better. Thanks. It’s nice to get that off my chest. With that accomplished, the only computing I plan on doing this evening is attempting to figure out how many ounces of vodka I need to ingest to reach a .20 BAC. Cheers!
• Yeah, there’s photos. [Epic Carnival]
• Alizee Paradis is a BC “Hottest (Female) College Athlete of the Decade” nominee. [Busted Coverage]
• Vernon Davis is like the Clubber Lang of the San Francisco 49ers. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Bears are the biggest threat to the Olympic torch relay? [Sports Rubbish]
• Tony Gonzalez and his wife posed nude for PETA. I wonder which one of them came up with the idea and which one of them did it just to get their wife to shut up about it. [Shutdown Corner]
Sammy Sosa has attributed the freakishly ashen skin he has been showing off lately to a facial cream he has been using to soften his skin and blamed some of the appearance on the lighting when the photo was taken. In an interview with Spanish language television station Univision, Sosa stated that:
“It’s a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed and whitens my skin some,” Sosa told Univision’s “Primer Impacto” program in an interview. “It’s a cream that I have, that I use to soften [my skin], but has bleached me some. I’m not a racist, I live my life happily.”
“What happened was that I had been using the cream for a long time and that, combined with the bright TV lights, made my face look whiter than it really is,” Sosa told Univision. “I don’t think I look like Michael Jackson.”
Skin rejuvenation or not, whoever told Sosa to use the cream gave him some bad advice. Can you imagine what Sosa’s good buddy, Mark McGwire would have to say about this? What if McGwire was trying to help Sosa out and land him a job on the St. Louis Cardinals coaching staff. This issue will not help that along, that’s for sure…
Some days it doesn’t pay to drag your sorry ass out of bed.
I’ve got computer issues all over the stinking place. Bear with me, we’ll get shit rolling later this morning. For now, there are far too many fires I have to put out. Thusly, there will be no Wake N’ Blog today (I know – heartbreaking), but expect the usual entertaining content as I move from one clusterfuck to the next.
Thank you for your patience.
• NHL Hockey. Pittsburgh Penguins at Boston Bruins. Okay, I’m serious here – try this: watch the game tonight and see how long it takes before you think to yourself, “Man, if given the chance, I would love to punch that Sidney Crosby right in the fucking mouth.” I can’t get more than five minutes. [Versus, 7:00 ET]
• College Football. Ohio at Buffalo. Who? [ESPN2, 7:00 ET]
• Sportsumentary. 30 for 30: The Legend of Jimmy the Greek. Ah, memories. Phyllis George. Nice. [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. The Day After Tomorrow. I would went with Two Days from Now, but I can be pretty weird about stuff like that. [FX, 7:30 ET]
• Photos of budding tennis star Caroline Wozniacki in a swimsuit, anyone? [Busted Coverage]
• New York Jets offensive lineman Nick Mangold tweets about Dave Matthews Band, Coldplay. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A look back at the Year of the Centaur, also known as the Year of A-Rod. [Big League Stew]
• Video of an epic transition during a wheelbarrow race. [With Leather]
• A review of that Jimmy the Greek documentary set to air on ESPN. [First Cuts]
• Sadly, there will be no whores in London during the Olympics, at least if the organizers have their say. Lame. [Bootlegger Sports]
Maintaining that he can still play the game at a high level, Larry Johnson appeared on Dan Patrick’s radio show earlier today to give his side of the story as to why he was released from the Chiefs. With barely a hint of self-awareness or how his actions may have contributed to the situation, Johnson simply claimed “it was just time” for him to leave the Kansas City Chiefs. Wow, look at the big brain on Larry! You think?
“If anybody likes losing, they shouldn’t be playing this game,” Johnson said. ”It left a bad taste in my mouth every game we were losing… You just felt like you were useless. … If I was frustrated and upset, it was mainly for myself.”
Believe me, Larry, I hear you. I know whenever I’m frustrated with how things are going, whether it be in my personal or professional life, it always helps me to cough up a snag and spit at someone. Afterward, if someone chooses to criticize me about it – didn’t I just say I was frustrated? – I call that person a fag and tell them how much more money I make than them. You know, if I had a nickel for every time I have had to go through a similar situation, I’d probably have as much money as Johnson has likely pissed away in future earnings by continually being one of the NFL’s all-time, colossal douchebags.
Johnson also goes on record as saying he believes him being less than 100 yards away from breaking Priest Holmes’ franchise record for rushing may have had a part in his release. The 2.7 average yards-per-rushing attempt probably didn’t help much either. Or ripping on your coach while cocking off to anyone and everyone on Twitter. Or…
Need I go on?
Larry Johnson explains why he’s no longer in Kansas City [SI.com]
Scoring in two seconds? Boy, does that measurement of time take me back to the night I lost my virginity.
Nawaf Al Abed, who plays for Al Hilal, a Saudian Arabian soccer club, scored a goal two seconds into a match against Al Shoalah in a Prince Faisal bin Fahad Cup match.
Al Abed took the opening kickoff and, noticing that the Al Shoalah goalkeeper had come well off his line, tried an improbable shot from near the halfway line. The ball soared and dipped and came to rest in the net. Al Abed did a little dance before being mobbed by teammates.
Big deal. Al Shoalah stinks. I bet he couldn’t have accomplished this feat against a real squad, like up and coming club Al Jarreau. Those boys are smooth.
Nawaf Al Abed scores the fastest goal in soccer history — two seconds! [The Fabulous Forum]
Six-time Major winner and arguably Britain’s greatest golfer ever, Nick Faldo was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in a ceremony at Windsor Castle on Tuesday, calling it an “unbelievable experience.” Said Sir Nick:
“I had dreams as a young boy of being a golfer and winning tournaments, but you don’t dream of this.
“When I found out in the summer, my first thought was of riding my bike through the woods to the golf course when I was just starting out.
“I played my first round of golf on my 14th birthday.”
Reflecting on his conversation with Britain’s head of state, Faldo added: “The Queen said: ‘You’ve been in the game a long time’.
“I said: ‘Yes, ma’am – for 30 years’.”
I have always been a fan of Faldo’s and really enjoy his work as a golf analyst on CBS, although how he puts up with the syrupy prose coming out of Jim Nantz’s mouth without strangling him I will never understand.
Now that he’s a full-blown knight, does that mean he gets a suit of armor, too? Because that would be so cool. I hope he at least gets a bitchin’ helmet or something.
Still, as an Englishman, it must be pretty humbling to be knighted by the Queen. Can you imagine how much inbreeding was required through the generations of British aristocracy to end up with Queen Elizabeth II? Tons. Tons of inbreeding.
Knighthood beyond Faldo’s dreams [AFP]
Note: major computer/server meltdown at work today that I had to take care of – apologies.
• Oh dear, it happened to Butter Chicken again. What? Read on. [Food Court Lunch]
• A very compelling piece by Andrew Bucholtz about why quarterbacks are overemphasized. [The Phoenix Pub]
• Another delightful episode of “Ocho and Marvin, Under One Roof!” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Oh, Eric Mangini, you are one crafty son of a bitch. [Style Points]
• Here are your Week 9 NFL quarterback power rankings. [Shutdown Corner]
• Al MacInnis is back, people. [Melt Your Face Off]
