Archive for November, 2009
Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez sent four of his ailing players – Glen Johnson, Fabio Aurelio, Yossi Benayoun and Albert Riera – to Serbia to receive a controversial treatment where they are massaged with a horse placenta. Apparently, it is supposed to speed up the recovery process after an injury.
Um, yeah. I’m not really sure how to go about explaining this one, so I’ll just let the BBC do it for me:
Benitez said: “Many top players have been going for seven years, it has been successful and I believe it is safe.”
The procedure appears to be paying dividends for the Liverpool manager, who has seen all four players return to full training in time to face Manchester City on Saturday in what is a massive week for the Reds.
The clinic, run by physiotherapist Mariana Kovacevicrun, has received criticism for using such a sensitive organ in medical treatment.
Sensitive organ? I got a sensitive organ for her! Wait, is she hot? Does anybody know what this Mariana broad looks like? I am basing my assumption on the belief that all Serbian women look like Aleksandra Melnichenko. That’s probably a safe call, right?
If not, I’m going to regret that Serbian mail order bride I just charged to my credit card. I wonder what their return policy is…
Benitez backs placenta treatment [BBC]
Drumming icon Neil Peart of Canadian prog rock gods Rush has signed on to create a special rendition of “The Hockey Theme.” Peart, a member of the Canadian Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and an Officer of the Order of Canada is thrilled to be part of the project.
“Having started out as a Canadian kid who skated on his ankles, and never made a hockey team, it is particularly sweet to be invited to be a part of this national institution – if not on skates, then on drums, performing Canada’s ‘second national anthem.’ At last I’ve made the Big Leagues!”
Friggin’ awesome. Even more awesome? They didn’t go with fucking Nickelback.
Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? In one of the most God-awful pairings since, um, Captain met Tennille (?), funnyman (to the clinically insane) Frank Caliendo has been tabbed to host the season-ending NASCAR banquet on December 4th at the Wynn Las Vegas.
Caliendo, a noted impressionist, was featured in several videos at last year’s awards ceremony. He has appeared at postseason events for the NASCAR Nationwide Series and NASCAR Camping World Truck Series.
I love how the writer felt compelled to point out that Caliendo is a “noted impressionist.” When a person feels the need to bust out the word “noted” when describing a person or what they have done, it’s usually not a good sign. Think about it. Whenever a writer elects to use that word, either that person (or the general population for which they are writing) look down upon what that person does with such disdain, they feel the need to not even refer to what they do without qualifying it first. You will never read a story about “noted psychopath” Charles Manson or “noted douchetard” Jay Mariotti: it’s simply “psychopath Charles Manson” or “douchetard Jay Mariotti.”
And I would like to see the Venn Diagram illustrating where the two populations of “NASCAR fans” and “Frank Caliendo fans” intersect. It’s amazing any of them are still alive. You would think they would have wandered into traffic and been killed by now.
No, no, no. This isn’t good – not good at all. This is far beyond Bad Idea Jeans. This is like buying a pair of Bad Idea Jeans and suffering a horrible, bloody laceration after getting your cock caught in the zipper.
Comedian Caliendo will host NASCAR banquet [Sporting News/AP]
Holy crap! Bigger than Weis? Then those are some morbidly obese problems! Notre Dame is going to need a crane to lift themselves out of that quagmire. I also would also recommend that Notre Dame not try to take the easy way out with some sort of ill-conceived surgery. That will only end in lawsuits and embarrassment.
Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all day.
Notre Dame’s problems are bigger than Weis [FoxSports]
• First of all, there’s beach soccer? That’s pretty cool. Even cooler? Cheerleaders. [Style Points]
• Rickey Williams had himself a good game last night. Good for him. That guy seems like a pretty cool dude, even if hea ain’t smoking grass anymore. [With Leather]
• One of my favorite bits: FCL Finishes The Headline. [Food Court Lunch]
• Tila Tequila has accused Shawne Merriman of drugging and then sleeping with “little girls.” Huh. [Last Angry Fan]
• Samer picks this weekend’s NFL games and sums up each matchup with one word. Awesome. Did I do it right? [Second-String Fullback]
"Are You There God? It's Me, Allen"
When Allen Iverson cleared waivers yesterday after his acrimonious relationship with the Memphis Grizzlies mercifully ended, pretty much everyone assumed he would end up assuming Stephon Marbury’s long-vacated position as the overrated, not-worth-the-trouble point guard on New York’s roster.
Not so fast. Reports out of the Big Apple are that the Knicks will not pursue the unrestricted free agent. That means AI is free to sign with any team desperate enough to avail themselves of his services.
So, now you gotta go where you wanna go, AI, and do what you wanna do.
Sweet Jesus, am I quoting lyrics from The Mamas & The Papas? That’s not good. Although the fact that I chose to pack myself a ham sandwich for lunch has taken on a whole new meaning.
Former NBA all-star Iverson clears waivers [AFP]
Report: Knicks will not sign Allen Iverson [Ball Don't Lie]
With Roberto Alomar’s appearance on the Hall of Fame ballot for the first time this year, if you were to only look at the second baseman’s career statistics (12-time All-Star, .300 career batting average, 2,724 hits, , 474 stolen bases, .984 fielding percentage), one could assume he would be a shoo-in to gain admittance to Cooperstown. Unfortunately, one incident has continued to plague Alomar’s reputation as one of the best second basemen to ever play the game: when he spit in the face of umpire John Hirschbeck during a heated exchange in a game in 1996.
Surprisingly, Hirschbeck ultimately forgave Alomar for his impulsive action and eventually the incident caused the two men to become friends. In fact, Alomar counts Hirschbeck as one of his biggest supporters in his bid to join the Hall of Fame.
“We became real good friends,” Alomar said yesterday. “He forgave me and I hope all the other people forgive me. Sometimes, we as human beings, we do stupid things. I regret doing that.”
“It’s real special because I got to know not only him, I got to know his family,” Alomar said. “I got to spend more time with him.”
Alomar has even become a vocal and financial supporter to bring awareness to the disease adrenoleukodystrophy, which afflicted two of Hirschbeck’s sons.
So I guess you could say that even if you do make an awful mistake and spit on someone in the heat of the moment, as long as you apologize and do what’s right, you can be forgiven in the end. Try telling that to the chick at the counter of the coffee shop this morning. I said no whipped cream, dammit. Clean out your ears, you dumb broad.
Hirschbeck backs Alomar’s HOF bid [New York Post/AP]
You know, this Steven Stamkos kid might turn out to be a pretty good hockey player.
Stamkos scored one of the prettier goals of the season thus far when he backhanded his own rebound out of the air over over Jonas Hiller’s right shoulder into the net for a goal all the while falling down. It was Stamkos’ 14th goal on the season in only 19 games. Not too shabby.
Sure, it came in a 4-3 overtime loss to the Ducks, but you can’t win them all, right? But the Lightning are off to a pretty good start, currently sitting in second place in the Southeast Division with a record of 8-4-7.
Wait. Seven overtime losses already? Sheesh. Barry Melrose is not impressed. If he were still the coach of the Lightning, the Mullet would have made sure they lost those games in regulation and saved his players some energy.
Niedermayer’s OT goal lifts Ducks [Yahoo!/AP]
Sure, Marv Albert’s street cred ain’t what it used to be, but does that mean he needs to start mixing it up with 50 Cent’s posse?
That seems to be what happened backstage at Wednesday’s taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live, when 50 Cent’s entourage didn’t recognize Albert and somehow a rigamarole ensued with words going back and forth.
As Albert arrived, with an entourage of one, TNT public relations specialist Jeff Pomeroy, there was a sudden scuffle when a multitude of 50 Cent protectors seemed unfamiliar with Albert. There was shouting (“It’s Marv Albert,” yelled a Kimmel show guard, a pronouncement that seemed to have no effect on the 50 Cent phalanx.) There were obscenities. A fist or two flying. A “Don’t you put your hands on me” pronouncement.
Damn! I hope this doesn’t develop into some sort of East Coast-West Coast feud. I thought we’ve made it past that sort of shenanigans. And who knew Marv Albert was capable of starting shit like this? I mean, we all knew Albert was a little mouthy, but this is crazy. Let that be a lesson to all up-and-comers trying to make a name for themselves in the broadcasting game. Marv Albert don’t take shit from anyone.
In the end, it seems the misunderstanding was just that – an unfortunate event where cooler heads ultimately prevailed. Albert was a little miffed but no worse for wear as he finally made it to his dressing room, saying “”Did you see that? I thought they were kidding, but then I realized they weren’t.” No word on whether Albert said anything along the lines of “Yo, 50 Cent. Your crew better stop fronting or I’m gonna take y’all DOWWWNTOWN! YES!!”
But it would have been cool if he did.
Marv Albert gets recognition from Jimmy Kimmel, but not everyone at show [Los Angeles Times]
Albert Apology May Clear Record [The Washington Post]
• NFL. Miami Dolphins 24, Carolina Panthers 17. Ricky Williams ran for 119 yards and scored three touchdowns as Miami has now won four out of their last six games. [Yahoo!/AP]
• NHL. Chicago Blackhawks 7, Calgary Flames 1. A five-goal second period propelled Chicago to an easy win as they went 4-5 on the power play for the game. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA. New Orleans Hornets 110, Phoenix Suns 103. Peja Stojakovic scored 25 points, including seven three pointers, and 13 rebounds as New Orleans won its second game in a row. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• In a world where we wouldn’t get meat from animals, would that mean Soylent Green wouldn’t be made out of people? Scientists have managed to grow tiny nuggets of meat in a laboratory, thus ending human’s dependence on animals, which I think is just wrong. Nothing makes a cow happier than getting slaugthered for my Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. A side note from the article: there is a link to another article that details how scientists have been able to develop artificial penis tissue on rabbits, so, there you go. [MSNBC]
What we have here is a video of some guy named Tyler Amaya, who plays for the Bellingham Slam in the IBL (come on Slam, you’re only 1/2 game behind the Edmonton Energy for first place!), making a crazy shot while sitting on his ass facing away from the basket during an exhibition game against Western Washington University.
Here’s an idea that might spark some interest in the IBL: have the players in the league shoot free throws while sitting on their asses – because everyone knows donkeys are immensely entertaining creatures.
[H/T Total Pro Sports]
• College Football. Colorado at Oklahoma State. Do you think Colorado feels superior because they didn’t have to add “State” to their university’s name? The world will never know, I guess. [ESPN, 7:30 ET]
• College Basketball. It’s a Coaches vs. Cancer doubleheader on the Deuce. First, California vs. Syracuse followed up by North Carolina vs. Ohio State. I wonder which teams have to play for cancer and which teams are lucky and get to play for coaches. [ESPN2, 7:00 ET]
• UFL Football? Florida Tuskers at California Redwoods. It goes without saying that these two squads are going to give 110%. You know, because they are bitter rivals and are taking it one game at a time. [Versus, 9:00 ET]
• Woo-hoo! It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. This show keeps getting better and better. Tonight, “D.E.N.N.I.S. System” – “Dennis reveals his full proof system for seducing any woman to the rest of the gang, but they don’t grasp the concept.” Me likey. Also, a new episode of The League after IASIP, which I think has some potential. And why wouldn’t you take my word for it with no credible reasons backing up my claim? [FX, 10:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (November 19th)
Posted by:
• The boys over at MYFO have a new feature: Cracking the Whip. Kinky. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Awesome. Soccer player in England gets a yellow card for farting on a referee. [Sports Rubbish]
• Do you want a fantasy feast? I got your fantasy feast for ya. Well, actually, these guys do. [Second-String Fullback]
• Oh, DeMarcus Russell, you are one pathetic loser. [Shutdown Corner]
• It’s time again for the always-enlightening KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• What you heard is true. Ohio State students swim in their own pee. [With Leather]
San Francisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum won his second consecutive NL Cy Young Award earlier today, narrowly beating out St. Louis Cardinals pitchers Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainright, respectfully. Wainright finished third despite receiving the most first place votes (12 to Lincecum’s 11), only the second time that has voting anomaly occurred – it also occurred in 1998 to Tom Glavine.
Due to the media attention of winning the Cy Young, Lincecum was finally forced to address his marijuana arrest last month, when he was pulled over by Washington State Patrol for speeding. The cops discovered 3.3 grams of grass and a pipe in Lincecum’s car. Lincecum, as is often the case in situations like this, pleaded guilty to a lesser charge (possession of a marijuana pipe) while the other charge (misdemeanor marijuana possession) was dropped. Oh, and he had to pay a $372 in fines, which I imagine he was able to pay without pawning any of his Phish bootlegs.
In a “finely lawyered” prepared statement, in the San Francisco Chronicle‘s words, not mine, Lincecum had this to say:
“I made a mistake and I regret my actions earlier this month in Washington. I want to apologize to the Giants organization and the fans. I know as a pro athlete I have a responsibility to conduct myself appropriately on and off the field. I certainly learned a valuable lesson from all of this. I promise to do better in the future.”
Damn right he learned a valuable lesson. Don’t speed when you got weed. Hey, that’s a pretty good quote. There might even be a clever name in there…
Giants’ Lincecum wins second consecutive Cy Young [The Associated Press]
UPDATE: Lincecum wins 2009 Cy Young Award, with comments from his conference call and statement on the pot arrest [San Francisco Chronicle]
Lincecum will plead guilty to lesser charge [San Francisco Chronicle]
So he got out of his seat and jumped around. Jumped around.
Courtesy of Busted Coverage, we have a video of a fanatic of the Cincinnati Cyclones, a team in the ECHL, bustin’ a move to House of Pain’s “Jump Around.” You have to either be pretty drunk or really bored – I guess living in Cincinnati satisfies both of these criteria – to get into minor league hockey at this level.
Really, I have nothing much to add here. I would try to weigh in with something, but the term “weigh in” would probably be lost on this portly fellow.
Drunk Cincinnati Cyclones Fan Just Wants To Jump Around [Busted Coverage]
