Archive for November, 2009
Ah, who am I kidding? No chance in hell that has ever happened. If anyone even had the chance to offer Sidney a bowl, he would probably call his mommy to ask if it was okay first.
Or who knows? Maybe Sid the Kid is a total weedhound. That might help explain his feeble attempts at growing facial hair. Maybe he really digs the character Maynard G. Krebs from the show, The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. Yes, that’s Bob Denver and he played a beatnik on a 1950s show before he achieved worldwide stardom as Gilligan. Christ, don’t you people watch television shows from 50 years ago?
Can’t you dig it, Daddio?
[H/T P.S.A.M.P.]
• Monday Night Football. New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints. Has anyone sick and tired of the MNF promo where Jaws appears to be trying to rhyme “brawlin’” (or something like that) with “New Orleans”? Just me? [ESPN, 8:30 ET]
• NHL Hockey. Buffalo Sabres at Toronto Maple Leafs. The Leafs are on an incredible hot streak – for them. Tune in to see if they can somehow win three games in a row! Hoo-ahhh! [Versus, 7:00 ET]
• Laugh at their failure. Prime 9: Top 9 Gaffes. A rerun, but it’s new to you if you haven’t seen it. [MLB Network, 9:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. A little hackey as the whole Griswold bit was played out by this point, but Cousin Eddie has some good one-liners. “Shitter was full!” or “Save the neck for me, Clark” as a couple of examples. [AMC, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (November 30th)
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• It was a good run – okay, no it wasn’t – Charlie Weis is out at Notre Dame. [With Leather]
• Speaking of the Irish, Ireland isn’t taking this World Cup snub lying down. [Bootlegger Sports]
• Erin Andrews made fun of Colt McCoys cold sore? [Total Pro Sports]
• The Taiwanese will boycott anything. No, I cannot say that for certain, but it’s a good guess. [Big League Stew]
• Speaking of firings, Chip Caray got shit-canned by TBS. Good riddance. [Deadspin]
• A great series of NFL-related retrospectives are getting published over at SC and here is one of the better ones: The 10 biggest professional football flops of the last decade. [Shutdown Corner]
Lindsey Vonn, arguably the greatest female skier in U.S. history, struggled mightily over the weekend, failing to qualify for a second run in both events she competed in – the Giant Slalom on Saturday and the Slalom on Sunday during Aspen Winternational – ending a disappointing weekend at the only U.S. stop for women’s World Cup racing.
“There were some weird things going on this weekend,” Vonn said. “I was a little bit unlucky, but hopefully, that’s out of the way.
“I did my best. I came in here well-prepared and positive. But my husband said lightning struck twice this weekend, and I think he’s right.”
Indeed. But whoa whoa whoa. Husband? What gives?
Considering that Vonn has 22 World Cup wins and won back-to-back overall World Cup titles in 2008 and 2009, the fact that she didn’t even qualify for a second run is disappointing to say the least. Not that it will affect her marketability – Vonn currently is the spokesperson for Under Armour’s cold-weather gear and has also been featured in Cover Girl ads and also has endorsement contracts with Pantene Shampoo, Red Bull and the Vail Ski Resort.
Vonn, a native Minnesotan (woot!) was the subject of a feature story in my local paper, the Star Tribune, over the weekend, which some of you may find interesting. Others, and I think I know who you are, might find the below photo gallery even more titillating, although I suspect some of you may wish alpine skiing outfits were a little more revealing.
In the wake of the UFL’s climactic finale over the weekend when the Las Vegas Locomotives defeated the Florida Tuskers 20-17 in the championship game, sad financial news reared its ugly head and took a steaming piss on any goodwill that may have come from the inaugural season of the upstart football league. According to the Sports Business Journal (via The Huddle), the UFL lost $30 million in its first year – $6 million more than was originally projected.
So wait. Investors knew they were going to lose money, but continued on with it anyway? Who are these people, the same folks who manage my retirement accounts, if I had any?
Never fear, UFL fans: the League will carry on – so says UFL commissioner Michael Huyghue. In fact, the league intends to lose even more people money next year, if they can somehow manage to hoodwink more investors into expanding to such can’t-miss locales like Austin, Texas, Salt Lake City, Omaha or Portland, Oregon. I can smell the burning piles of cash as I type!
Jason Whitlock Makes Me Laugh
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I suspect that some of you might be making the assumption that I am being sarcastic with that statement, but it’s true. There is nothing more amusing than reading a Jason Whitlock column. Sometimes, it’s because of his self-righteous indignation is worthy of a chuckle, perhaps a guffaw. Other times, and this is when I love reading his columns the most, it’s because he has no qualms about taking often well-deserved shots at his journalist colleagues.
That is precisely what occurred in Whitlock’s most-recent column, “Tiger doesn’t owe us an explanation,” where he explains why, um, Tiger doesn’t owe us an explanation. Duh. Do I have to explain everything to you people?
Below is the zinger, where he takes a low-blow – literally – at Mike Lupica.
It’s not the lead talking point for Mike Lupica on “The Sports Reporters.” When Lupica suggested on Sunday that Tiger needed to handle his driveway fender-bender the way A-Rod handled his steroids controversy, I damn near fell out of my hotel bed in anger when Bill Rhoden didn’t leap from his chair and slap the former dwarf bowling champion.
Now, I’m working on the assumption that Lupica has never in fact been a dwarf bowling champion but Whitlock is instead poking fun at Lupica’s diminutive stature. At least that’s what I hope he was doing.
On second thought, the idea that Lupica is a dwarf bowler – or would it be that Lupica uses dwarves to bowl? – paints a pretty amusing picture as well. So I guess it’s a win-win.
Wait. Now I remember where that dwarf bowling reference is from – he used it one of the other times he mercilessly hammered on Lupica – during the Jason Whitlock Celebrity Journalist Roast post. Hoo boy, that was a doozy.
Oh, and he actually makes a compelling argument as to why Tiger doesn’t owe us an explanation – which is a good thing when you consider that was the title of the post. What if he would have written a column under that headline about how Tiger actually does owe us an explanation? That would have been pretty silly.
Tiger doesn’t owe us an explanation [FoxSports]
There is nothing more satisfying than seeing young children act out on their bloodlust and stomp on a lifeless dummy representing an opposing team’s quarterback. It really warms the cockles of your heart, does it not? The funny thing is, I get the feeling that Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher would have joined them in beating on the Jay Cutler Dummy.
Since dislocating his wrist in the season opener against the Packers, Urlacher has been forced to spend the season as a hapless bystander while the Bears have underperformed their way to very disappointing 4-7 record.
Yahoo’s Michael Silver managed to gain unrestricted access to injured Brian Urlacher over the weekend, and if his report on what transpired during a viewing party at Urlacher’s brother’s home is any indication, former Vikings wide receiver Bobby Wade might have been dead-on accurate when he said that Urlacher was never too impressed with Cutler from the get-go.
Whenever possible, I try to link to one of the funniest sports-related bits on the internet: LSUfreek and his immensely entertaining animated GIFs.
Bravo. The flying shoe at the end really ties the whole thing together, don’t you think?
Offsides: Tiger Woods Denies the Rumors [The Sporting Blog]
• The perky sideline reporter is not going to allow herself to get shunned again if the opportunity presents itself again tonight. [Awful Announcing]
• Video of Pittsburgh Penguin Mike Rupp indicating that if he were a woman, he would totally go for teammate Bill Guerin. [Puck Daddy]
• A feature on Wade Boggs’ “thirsty” mustache. [7th Inning Stache]
• MJD counts down his five least valuable players from yesterday’s NFL action. [Shutdown Corner]
• PR expert lays out how he thinks Tiger Woods should handle his current crisis. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Peter King will not get the better of Drew, no matter how hard the portly scribe tries. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Emo punk Danny Brierre deliberately got himself suspended last week because he loves Black Friday so much. [Melt Your Face Off]
Serena Williams has been fined at least $82,500 and will be put on probation for two years due to her outburst at the U.S. Open in August, when she berated and perhaps even threatened a lineswoman after she was called for a foot fault during her semifinal loss against Kim Clijsters.
And if Williams commits any more transgressions during her “probationary period,” things could get much worse for her.
The punishments handed down by the International Tennis Federation’s Grand Slam committee could result in a U.S. Open suspension if Williams commits another major violation in any Grand Slam event in 2010 or 2011.
Williams was fined a record $175,000 with the amount to be reduced to $82,500 if she stays on good behavior over two seasons.
Hoo boy, $82,500 is a lot of money, let alone the $175,000 she would have to pay if she can’t behave herself. My advice to Serena is to focus more on tennis and keep her mouth shut: no ifs, ands or butts.
Oops. I meant “buts.”
Serena Williams fined at least record $82,500 for tirade [Sporting News/AP]
Serena handed suspended ban and fine [CNN]
Hines Ward Is A Dick
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You read that right. Don’t let the devil-may-care, goofy-grinning demeanor fool you. Hines Ward is a total dick.
Heading into their game against the Ravens Sunday night, the Steelers were already kind of a mess. Struggling through an injury-plagued and lackluster season, Pittsburgh found themselves sitting at 6-4 and trailing the Cincinnati Bengals in the AFC North. So why did Hines Ward decide that the time was right to call out Ben Roethlisberger for being so selfish as to follow the advice of team doctors and sit out Sunday night’s game due to lingering post-concussions symptoms during an interview with Bob Costas? The friggin’ nerve of Roethlisberger, right?
Vince Young Enjoys The Ecstasy Of Victory
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A safe statement to be sure, but it must feel pretty good to be Vince Young right about now. Cast off and left your dead last season as he watched Kerry Collins lead the Titans to a 13-3 record, Young is now 5-0 since replacing the struggling Collins after a thrilling 20-17 victory over the Arizona Cardinals. Young threw for a career-high 387 yards and with the Titans trailing with 2 minutes, 37 seconds remaining, led the Titans on a 18-play, 99-yard drive that culminated with a touchdown pass to Kenny Britt with no time remaining on the clock. Young converted three fourth downs on the final drive and is now 23-11 as a starting quarterback.
Since everyone who is interested already knows all of the details, I will spare you them, but the important thing is that finally, the one person from the golf world who could shed some light on how we should treat the “Tiger Woods Situation” has spoken up: John Daly.
Daly, in Sydney preparing for his appearance in the Australian Open, made known his concern for Tiger but insists that he doesn’t care about what occurred. And if anyone knows what it is like to have your personal life splashed all over the gossip pages, it’s John Daly.
“I don’t really care what happened between Tiger and … whatever happened. I’m just glad he’s OK. We need him, probably more than anybody on the tour, to keep things going, the way the economy is.”
“Tiger’s the biggest asset the tour’s had in a long, long time,” he said. “Whatever happened, as long as he’s OK that’s all that matters. Golf needs him badly … no doubt.”
Although I agree with him to a certain extent – Tiger Woods is immensely important to the overall health of the Tour – and despite Daly’s assertion that he doesn’t care about what happened, a lot of people are interested in finding out exactly what occurred that night. So, like it or not, Tiger Woods stories will continue to make their way around the tubes at least until, whether it is fair or not, Woods fully addresses what happened.
One good thing, though – at least until the situation fully plays itself out, we’ll have The Daily Telegraph documenting the best Tiger Woods crash jokes – so we got that going for us, which is good.
We don’t need the facts – we just need Tiger Woods, says John Daly [The Guardian]
Tiger Woods crash jokes: the best on the web [The Daily Telegraph]
• NFL. Baltimore Ravens 20, Pittsburgh Steelers 17 (OT). Backup QB Dennis Dixon played respectfully in his first NFL start, but an interception he threw in overtime to Paul Kruger set-up a 29-yard field goal by Billy Cundiff for a Ravens win. [Yahoo!/AP]
• NHL. San Jose Sharks 4, Vancouver Canucks 2. Goals 13 seconds apart in the third period by Manny Malhorta and Jamie McGinn sealed the deal as Evgeni Nabokov stopped 28 shots. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• NBA. Minnesota Timberwolves 106, Denver Nuggets 100. The Timberwolves snapped their 15 game losing streak by outscoring the Nuggets 56-36 in the second half. [NBA.com Scoreboard]
• Most people don’t know this, but Bullwinkle was one sadistic bastard. Swedish police, after clearing her husband (who was held in jail for 10 days as the suspect), now believe that a moose is responsible for the death of 63-year old Agneta Westlund after hairs and saliva from a moose were found on her body. [MSNBC/AP]
Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone
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Awww, isn’t that just precious?
First of all, a little housekeeping: SOB will be shut down tomorrow and Friday for the Thanksgiving holiday. We’ll see you back here on Monday. I will be over at Deadspin on Saturday so come and visit me over there if you like.
Now, I want everyone to be safe over this long, holiday weekend. People are prone, for some reason or another, to overindulge on this weekend – be it food, drink, shopping, whores – whatever. Take it easy out there. Always make sure that there is one person around who can drive you to the hospital and push you out of the car without stopping – those are real friends. Treasure them.
Finally, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped make this site such an enjoyable endeavor. Most of all, my wife, who has had the patience of a saint throughout everything. She’s a far better woman than I deserve.
And a big thanks to you readers. It means quite a bit that you guys and gals keep coming back for my half-witted commentary. Always feel free to let me know how I can better entertain and amuse you.
Finally, many thanks to Josh at With Leather and AJ at Deadspin for entrusting their sites to me occasionally over the past couple of months. It has been a thrill and an honor, to say the least.
Take care, everyone. Be safe out there.
- Weed
