Archive for October, 2009
• And no, that’s not a sexual metaphor. Site News: I’ll be contributing some posts over on With Leather today as Punte makes his way to Las Vegas for Blogs With Balls. I still plan to write but expect a somewhat lighter load of content today here on the Sportress, but head on over to WL to enjoy the tomfoolery. I can’t wait to see how this plays out.
• Major League Baseball. Dodgers manager Joe Torre announced that Clayton Kershaw will get the ball and start for the Dodgers in Game 1 of the NLCS. At 21 years and 209 days, Kershaw is the third-youngest Game 1 starter in postseason history. No pressure, bud. [Los Angeles Times]
• Soccer. The U.S. team and its fans showed their respective support for injured forward Charlie Davies, who was seriously injured in a car accident, as the team completed their World Cup qualifying schedule with a 2-2 tie against Costa Rica. [The New York Times]
• National Football League. Steelers defensive end Aaron Smith will miss the rest of the season due to a torn rotator cuff in his right shoulder. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
Sometimes, the real world interferes with the magical fantasy world of internet dickjokery. The Sportress will unfortunately be shut down today as yours truly will be overseeing the beginning of a remodeling project at my house. After that, I’ll be helping a family member move this afternoon. Oh joy! That’s a steaming pile of fun right there!
Will be back tomorrow. Have a great day, kids.
Last Call In East St. Louis
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I thought we could all take an imaginary field trip to the wonderful town of East St. Louis for Last Call this evening. You see, the mayor of East St. Louis has had to roll back the time of last call due to a rash of violent incidents occurring at that witching hour.
East St. Louis mayor and liquor commissioner Alvin Parks may have finally had it with his city’s nightclubs. After a bloody weekend that left four people injured or dead in two days at nightspots scattered across town, Parks says last call at the bars will be rolled back–at least for the time being– from 6 a.m. to 1 a.m.
What the fuck? A 6:00 a.m. last call? Who came up with this brilliant idea? Who thought that in a city that has one of the highest crime rates (including murder) in the nation it would be a wise plan to keep the bars open until sunrise? And further, how fitting is it that mayor of East St. Louis is also the liquor commissioner?
I guess this is why East St. Louis can’t have nice things. If they ever did have them.
• College Football. Arkansas State at Louisiana-Monroe. Is it just me or does anybody else find it strange to name a college after the effeminate character on Too Close For Comfort? [ESPN2, 8:00 ET]
• NHL. Detroit Red Wings at Buffalo Sabres. I am looking forward to how Terrell Owens manages to fuck up the Sabres. Don’t laugh. It could happen. [Versus, 7:00 ET]
• Sentimental Bullshit. 30 for 30: The Band That Wouldn’t Die. “Filmmaker Barry Levinson uses the Baltimore Colts’ 1984 move to Indianapolis to document how a fan base copes with losing a team.” I thought with that title it would be about Creed. [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Easily the best film from National Lampoon about Christmas. [CMT, 9:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (October 13th)
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• One of my favorite posts every week: Week 5′s LOLNFL. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Your Week 6 Pammy nominees and Week 5 winners. [Awful Announcing]
• Some crazy fuck carved the name “Obama” and a Swastika into a green at a golf course. [Waggle Room]
• Terrell Owens to the Bears? As a Vikings fan, I say yes. [Mouthpiece Blog]
• People are upset about Georges Laraque’s sexy drink ad. Should they be? [Puck Daddy]
• The 10 Worst Nutshots In Sports. [Epic Carnival]
Now here is a workout regimen I can get behind and stick with. I have the cigarettes already, but I’m not sure the gym I belong to allows smoking on the premises.
Just kidding. Like I have a gym membership. Screw that noise.
The above photo was uploaded John Daly himself to TwitPic with the caption: “My “Daly” Workout—LOL”.
You have to admit that Daly is looking pretty trim and, um, healthy? That might not be the most appropriate term, but you know where I’m going with it.
Now I am aware that there are presently comparisons being drawn between the two and their hard partying ways, let’s see Anthony Kim make staying in shape look this easy.
(Thanks, Shakey)
What’s the difference between Anthony Kim and John Daly? [Devil Ball Golf]
Bruce Bill DeWitt, Jr., the chairman of the St. Louis Cardinals, has now gone on record as stating he considers the 2009 season for the Cardinals a resounding success, even though the team just got swept out of the postseason by the Los Angeles Dodgers. Witness the denial:
“Every spring you go into the season with the goal of winning your division and playing postseason baseball. When you have that opportunity, you do whatever you can to do it,” DeWitt said. “It doesn’t mean every year you’re going to reach the postseason, but the better your opportunity, the better your chance of winning a world championship. Winning a division title is a tremendous accomplishment by itself.”
Maybe that’s true, but I highly doubt the hordes of Cardinals fans out there are so eager to agree. Instead, for competitive and successful organizations like the Cardinals, winning the division should be the expectation, not something to hang your hat on.
Which brings us to Joyce DeWitt.
• Has anyone else seen the commercial featuring Jimmy Hart pimping Medical Hair Restoration? Awkward. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Colorado coach Dan Hawkins sucks balls. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Get ready for the U.S. to suck in the World Cup! [Bootlegger Sports]
• Here’s something on the Flames’ epic fail against the Blackhawks last night. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Peyton Manning is angry at Joe Buck. [Awful Announcing]
• Business_Socks spices up Mark Texeira’s bio. [Style Points]
Seahawks head coach Jim Mora obviously got a little bit of the insanity gene from his old man. Probably wishing he was a coach for a big-time college program, where running up the score on an inferior opponent is not only accepted but encouraged, Mora was speaking to reporters about Seattle’s 41-0 drubbing of Jacksonville on Sunday, Mora seemed to revel in the fact on Monday that he called a timeout on a third down play in the third quarter because Seattle had the wrong defensive personnel on the field – with the Seahawks leading 34-0. He then proceeded to explain why:
If there ever was a time for Encyclopedia Brown, the crafty sleuth of youth literature, to make an appearance in the real world to solve a heinous crime, it would be right now. Therese Forton-Barnes, the founder of the organization Carvings for a Cause, has been left stunned after an 8-foot tall, 1,000 pound carving of Buffalo Bills great Thurman Thomas was stolen.
The tree statue, part of the Carvings for a Cause initiative carved from trees lost in the October Surprise snowstorm of 2006, was unveiled late Sunday morning at a tailgate party in a stadium parking lot across from the scoreboard.
It was last seen after the game Sunday but discovered missing Monday when organizers planned to take it to Sahlen Sports Park.
“I’ve never had anybody steal a carving,” Carvings for a Cause founder Therese Forton-Barnes said Monday. “They weigh anywhere from 1,000 to 2,000 pounds. It would take a lot of strong people and a flatbed truck,” she said. “I don’t understand it. It’s a mystery. I’m perplexed by the whole thing.”
I’m not trying to point fingers, but who could benefit from this terrible crime? A bitter rival of the wood sculptor who created the piece? A disgruntled “Save America’s Forests” activist? Or was it, as Forton-Barnes suggests, simply a bunch of drunk and rowdy revelers intent on using it for “the most wickedest bonfire ever”?
Although they could all be suspects, the focus of my initial suspicions rest on one person and one person only:
Shame can cause a man to do horrible things. Just ask Encyclopedia Brown. Well, you can’t ask him, he’s a fictional character. But you know what I meant.
Tree statue is stolen in postgame crime spurt [The Buffalo News]
Don’t worry, Erin Andrews. Lisa Guerrero has got your back.
While you contemplate who Lisa Guerrero is and why you should care, here’s the scoop: in a report utilizing a hard-hitting journalistic approach one can only find on Inside Edition, former Monday Night Football sideline eye candy/Playboy centerfold Lisa Guerrero revealed how easy it is for someone to discover, simply by asking hotel staff, the whereabouts of a big-time celebrity. Or Lisa Guerrero, even.
Ron Duguay leads a charmed life. Widely known as a sex symbol during his 12-season NHL career, Duguay parlayed his ladykilling, panty-removing status into marrying Kim Alexis. He is also enjoying a career renaissance of sorts now that he is appearing on CBC’s Battle of the Blades, a reality show featuring former NHL stars (Bob Probert, Claude Lemieux, Tie Domi, among others) paired up with professional ice skaters in a Dancing With The Stars-esque waste of television viewers’ time.
One good thing to come out of the show is the above video, a wonderful spoof depicting one excitable (and fancy!) fan’s appreciation of Duguay’s, ahem, more admirable qualities. And the retro Sasson commercial of Duguay and his Rangers teammates is pure awkward comedy gold.
(Thanks, Karl)
Ron DuGay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) [Puck U]
Ex-NHLers don tights for ice dancing contest on CBC [Calgary Sun/The Canadian Press]
• MLB Playoffs. Philadelphia Phillies 5, Colorado Rockies 4. Ryan Howard hit a two-run double in the ninth inning and Brad Lidge earned his second consecutive shutout as the Phillies took the series 3 games to 1 and move on to face the Dodgers in the NLCS. [MLB.com]
• Monday Night Football. Miami Dolphins 31, New York Jets 27. Chad Henne went 20 for 26 for 241 yards and two touchdowns and the Wildcat proved effective, as Ronnie Brown scored a two-yard touchdown with less than 10 seconds remaining for the winning score. [Yahoo!]
• National Hockey League. Chicago Blackhawks 6, Calgary Flames 5 (OT). Chicago rallied from a five-goal defecit to make the biggest comeback in franchise history and won 26 seconds into overtime on Brent Seabrook’s goal. [NHL.com]
• He’s going to be the butt of a lot of jokes in class. A 27-year-old journalism student in Germany was trying to be funny and attempted to moon railway staff, but when he dropped trou, his pants got caught in the door and the train proceeded to drag him half-naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks. [MSNBC/Reuters]
• Monday Night Football. New York Jets at Miami Dolphins. The Jets are 3-1 and the Dolphins are 1-3. That’s like, the opposite. [ESPN, 8:30 ET]
• MLB Playoffs. Game 4, Philadelphia Phillies at Colorado Rockies. The Phillies, holding a 2-1 series lead, can close it out tonight. Either that or the teams could have a snowball fight. [TBS, 6:00 ET]
• NHL Hockey. Calgary Flames at Chicago Blackhawks. A rematch of last year’s playoff series. But this isn’t a playoff game, so it’s totally different. [Versus, 8:00 ET]
• Conspiracy Theories Abound! JFK: 3 Shots That Changed America. “President John F. Kennedy’s assassination in Dallas in 1963 raises controversies through the years.” I hope this is the special that finally lays out how the aliens were behind the assassination. My tin foil cap is all clean and shiny! [History, 9:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (October 12th)
Posted by:• Try as he might, samer can’t hate on the Bengals anymore. [Second-String Fullback]
• The return of the ultimate cocknocker, Sean Avery. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Busted Coverage was in Mississippi to take the Ole Miss-Alabama game. [Busted Coverage]
• Colorado football coach Dan Hawkins is a terrible father. [Bootlegger Sports]
• Rasheed Wallace believes the Celtics can beat the Bulls record of 72-10. [Mouthpiece Blog]
• An SP Classic: A.C. Green, Sex Machine. [Style Points]
