Archive for October, 2009
First off, I am aware that making fun of Berman is as easy as shooting fish in a leather barrell, but this Applebee’s commercial so perfectly encompasses all that is irritating about the Berminator, I would be remiss not to hammer on it. For those of you who haven’t seen the commercial where Berman extols all of the wonderful things about a chain restaurant where it costs you $12 for a burger, or if you are simply a twisted masochistic freak, you can see the commercial here.
• NFL. Philadelphia Eagles 27, Washington Redskins 17. DeSean Jackson scored touchdowns on a 67-yard reverse and a 57-yard reception and Will Witherspoon returned an interception for a touchdown as Philadelphia easily handled Washington. [Yahoo!]
• NHL. New York Rangers 5, Phoenix Coyotes 2. Marian Gaborik scored twice to give him 10 goals, good enough for the league lead, before leaving the game early with an injury. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• MMA. Brock Lesnar has withdrawn from his title fight against Shane Carwin due to an illness that inhibited his ability to train. [Yahoo!]
• I heard Richard Simmons spins tunes as the DJ every Saturday night. Sweatin’ to the Top 40? Club Bounce, a nightclub in Long Beach, California is designed to cater specifically to fat people. Are people that go to Club Bounce wary about attending? Hell 2 Da Naw. “Self-conscious? No! Not at all,” laughs Monique Lopez, a curvaceous woman of 23 as she arrives in a tight, black dress and heels. “I was like, ‘I’m going to Club Bounce tonight. I’m going to wear my shortest skirt.’” (Which she did.) You go, girl! But it would be nice if just didn’t go over in that general area by the wall – I think the floorboards are weak. [AOL/AP]
• Monday Night Football. Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins. Enjoy the suck, ‘Skins fans. [ESPN, 8:30 ET]
• The Very Best In Baseball Replays. Best of Baseball Tonight Web Gem Awards. Which Baseball Tonight talking head is going to say a shout out to Steve Phillips? Not one of them? Are you sure? [ESPN2, 8:30 ET]
• NHL Hockey. Minnesota Wild at Chicago Blackhawks. Martin Havlat, last season’s points leader for the Blackhawks, makes his return to Chicago as Minnesota tries to win on the road for the first time this season. [Versus, 8:00 ET}
• Very funny. Six consecutive episodes of Family Guy. You could do worse. [TBS, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (October 26th)
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• more LSUfreek brilliance. [The Sporting Blog]
• Purple Jesus is not accepting of gays. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• I missed this last Friday, but it’s too good to not mention. A Celebrity Editorial from Michael Jordan. [Style Points]
• Chan Ho Park likes to spray people with champagne. [Walkoff Walk]
• Chicago blogger addresses Jay Cutler’s demeanor. [Mouthpiece Blog]
• Some thoughts on Steve Phillips, via a patented fake Steve Phillips press conference. [The Phoenix Pub]
Who woulda thunk it, right? There’s no way anyone could have convinced me that a Yankees playoff game would draw more viewers than a mid-season Giants game airing at the same time, but it’s true.
Picture this: you’re a New Yorker, it’s Sunday night and your options for sports-viewing are as follows:
1) Watching a postseason baseball game that could potentially end up being the victory that gets your beloved Yankees into the World Series for the first time since 2003; or
2) A Giants game, although somewhat important because it was a conference game, in all likelihood will have little bearing on how the Giants ultimately fare the rest of the season.
If you picked number 2, guess what? New Yorkers strongly disagree with you! That just goes to show you could never make it the Big City, farmboy. Even MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was impressed:
“Our ratings last night were spectacular,” commissioner Bud Selig said Monday in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. “To get a 26.4 in New York while the Giants got a 9.3 on ‘Sunday Night Football’ is stunning.
Yes. Stunning. There’s no way I would have ever believed it, unless I had seen the Yankees win with my own eyes. Which I didn’t. I was watching the Giants-Cardinals game. Fuck the Yankees. Cock.
Many more NYC sports fans watch Yanks than Giants [The Associated Press]
Not suprisingly, Dan Cortese is a Twittering fool. What is surprising is that people actually care what Dan Cortese is tweeting about.
Big ups to PSAMP for keeping track of Dan Cortese’s tweets and that he accurately predicted the Steelers victory over the Vikings yesterday on his Twitter account. To wit:
Bam! Sure, his prediction of the score was a little off, but you cannot argue with his accuracy in predicting the Steelers defense would come up big in the end, which they did, scoring two touchdowns in the 4th quarter.
But what I find most amusing is that the Dan Cortese couldn’t even get the Dan Cortese account on Twitter, having to go with the user name dancortese1. I’m surprised he didn’t tell the dancortese interloper to step off. Hey dude, you better step off. Can you just step off, fake dancortese dude?
Me And Dan Cortese Are Psychic Steelers Fans [P.S.A.M.P.]
It was just announced that rapper/businessman/Brooklyn-ite/funny glasses-wearing Jay-Z will perform before Game 1 of the World Series on Wednesday before the Yankees and Phillies take the field in Yankee Stadium. Joining Jay-Z will be fellow New Yorker Alicia Keys as they perform Jay-Z’s hit (?), “Empire State of Mind.”
“Thank the good Lord for making me a Yankee,” the Brooklyn native said in an interview Monday.
He calls the opportunity a “once in a lifetime experience” and says though the jam has become an unofficial New York anthem, he’s not pushing for it to be the city’s theme song.
“I’m not pitching it for anything, it’s just a song I made for New York City,” he said.
While it is certainly admirable that a performer would actually take the time to write a song without any intent to use it solely as means to market a product, I feel that if Philly allows the Yankees to one-up them by having Jay-Z perform and Philly not bringing in one of its city’s best musical acts to get the party started before the start of Game 3 at Citizens Bank Park, it would most certainly be a letdown.
That’s why I’m pushing for Boyz II Men to make an appearance and perform their most current hit…, um, well, I suppose one of their classic hits would do. How about “Mowtownphilly”? If that doesn’t get the crowd going, I don’t know what would – other than fellow Philly natives Hall & Oates playing a medley of all of their hits – which to be honest, I would totally prefer. Talk about making my dreams come true (ooo-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooo-ooh).
Jay-Z talks World Series, Broadway and DJ Hero [The Associated Press]
• Chris Littman interviews Rob McElhenney a/k/a Mac on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. [First Cuts]
• So, uh, Sunday’s New York Times crossword was Peter King-themed. No way the KSK guys were going to let that go unnoticed. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Business_Socks expertly recaps NFL Sunday. [Style Points]
• Here we have a “Return of the Arm Punt” comic strip starring Brett Favre. [Simon on Sports]
• Punte recaps the winners and losers of NFL Week 7. [With Leather]
• Blue Menu presents “Food Court Lunch Presents the ALCS Award Winners.” Just so you know, that’s a lot of presenting going on right there. [Food Court Lunch]
• “Would Anyone Like A Serving of New York Fail?” I do I do! [Second-String Fullback]
Larry Johnson Is So Mad He Could Spit
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Hotheaded psychopath Larry Johnson went on the offensive last night via his Twitter account and showcased a meltdown not yet seen in this Brave New World of Twitterdom. Here’s how it went down, according to Yahoo:
Johnson’s exact Twitter messages, in chronological order:
- “my father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches. … google my father!!!!!!!”
- “My father played for the coach from “rememeber the titans”. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn”
Mark McGwire is set to re-join the Major League Baseball fraternity as he has reportedly agreed to join the St. Louis Cardinals as their hitting coach, indicating that Tony La Russa will be back as manager of the team as well. The news was confirmed by Fanhouse’s Ed Price on Sunday, meaning McGwire will replace hitting coach Hal McRae next season. Oh, the things he will be able to teach Albert Pujols! Not to mention helping him out with his swing.
No word on any job openings on the horizon in the major leagues for Sammy Sosa, McGwire’s partner-in-crime in 1998, so to speak, but I’m holding out hope that he could become the MLB’s Goodwill Ambassador to the small but heavily-populated country, Denialand. What? You’ve never heard of it? Sure you have – it’s all tucked away down there by Canada.
Mark McGwire Cards’ New Hitting Coach [Fanhouse]
Above is video of an absolutely vicious “hip check” by Los Angeles Kings defenseman Rob Scuderi on Columus Blue Jackets winger Jason Chimera during last night’s game, which the Kings went on to win 6-2. Scuderi was not penalized, Chimera got his face all busted up and Derek Dorsett received a 10-minute game misconduct for going after Scuderi near the bench. All in all, a typical outcome after a dangerous hit.
Of course, Wysh over at Puck Daddy, a far greater hockey mind than I could ever dream to be, has the goods on analysis and reaction to the questionable play.
Again, Scuderi comes in so low you almost have to believe it wasn’t his intention; that he misjudged Chimera’s approach or lost an edge or something of that ilk. But the claims by the announcers that Scuderi doesn’t dabble in the dark arts of vicious hip checks near the boards? Ask Dainius Zubrus about that.
There will be outcry from the usual “protect the head!” punditry; it will get a look from Toronto; but it would surprise us to see any supplemental discipline for Scuderi, despite the gruesome Chimera contortionism chronicled by Erin Nicks on The Universal Cynic. It would be penalizing the acrobatics of the hit rather than the play itself.
Man, between this play, Mike Richards destroying David Booth and Tuomo Ruutu’s boarding of Darcy Tucker over the weekend, the NHL sure is getting a lot more airtime, if you will, than it is usually accustomed to, although perhaps for the wrong reasons.
But like they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? Even if at this rate, the NHL will have more players suspended than playing by December.
Video: Scuderi’s hip check sends Chimera skates over head [Puck Daddy]
Is It Time For The “Is Hockey Too Violent” Debate Already? (UPDATE) [Deadspin]
Tuomo Ruutu Will Drink Your Milkshake! [Deadspin]
As you reluctantly drag your sorry ass to your job this Monday morning wishing you could do something, anything other than performing the mindless duties associated with your craptastic job – maybe something even affiliated with the world of professional sports – take a moment to contemplate the existence of one Bill Coats.
You see, Bill’s job is to assess various components of the St. Louis Rams team (i.e. coaching, running backs, etc.) and grade them on how they performed in the previous game. According to my calculations, the Rams graded out with a 1.63 GPA, which is right about a C-.
Question: how does a team manage to get a C- after they lost 42 to freaking 6? By going forward with Coats’ grading scale (which I assume is on a very generous curve), the Rams would have to lost 128-2 to the Lions to receive an F.
Although I disagree with his grading methods, I have to feel bad for Mr. Coats. Covering the Rams must be soul-draining. The only thing worse would have to be covering the Browns, something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.
Rams Report Card vs. Indianapolis [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]
• ALCS. New York Yankees 5, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 2. Andy Pettitte was effective, Johnny Damon hit a two-run single and Mariano Rivera got a six-out save as the Yankees moved on to the World Series to face the Phillies. I can barely contain my excitement. [MLB.com]
• NFL. Arizona Cardinals 24, New York Giants 17. Arizona got their third consecutive win and only their third win in 18 games at the Meadowlands by outplaying a flat Giants team. [Yahoo!]
• NHL. Vancouver Canucks 2, Edmonton Oilers 0. Roberto Luongo made 27 saves for his first shutout of the season. [NHL.com Scoreboard]
• Sure, I’d love to shove 16 cockroaches in my mouth at once – sounds fun! Pet store Sean Murphy shoved 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches into his mouth. He started off with 12 then managed to get the final four in there. Good for him, the freak. [AOL News]
Alright, kiddos and kiddettes, we’ve finally made it. Another week in the books here at the Sportress. Unfortunately, there will be no recap of the week that was for you on this Friday. You see, I have been fortunate enough to be asked again to be Weekend Daddy over at Deadspin tomorrow – I know – I too am not sure what AJ is thinking. Nevertheless, I have a lot of prep work ahead of me this evening – in between the sobbing and panic attacks, of course.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my first order of business is I have a meeting with my herbalist. He’s a great guy and very knowledgeable – the only thing is he doesn’t like waiting in the parking lot at White Castle for very long.
See you over at Deadspin. Have a great weekend.
• College Football. Rutgers at Army. See, if I were an athletic director of a college, I wouldn’t want to play the Army. What happens if you beat them and the next day the Russians invade? Good luck asking them to help you. [ESPN2, 8:00 ET]
• NBA Preseason Basketball. Atlanta Hawks at Orlando Magic. If you are actually considering watching this, punch yourself in the balls. And ladies, just because you don’t have balls don’t think you’re getting out of this: give yourself a titty-twister. Why yes, I am 8-years-old, why do you ask? [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• The Old Standby. Six episodes of Family Guy. Hey, it’s better than punching yourself in the balls, right? [TBS, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. The Negotiator. Fun Hollywood fact: it was on this set that Kevin Spacey’s career died. I know, most people would say K-Pax, but I can’t change the the truth. [TNT, 9:00 ET]
