Archive for September, 2009
Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf absolutely demolished New York Islanders winger Kyle Okposo with a vicious check at mid-ice last night in an exhibition game which left Okposo laid out on the ice and having to be taken off on a stretcher. It appears that Okposo was somewhat forced into the check by Calgary player Nigel Dawes, leaving him in a defenseless position as Phaneuf lowered the boom. Of course, after the devastating hit, bedlam ensued.
Puck Daddy has been monitoring the story and has reported that according to Newsday, Okposo “was seen moving his hands and talking as he was put in an ambulance and taken to the hospital.” It was later reported that Okposo only suffered a mild concussion. Considering the viciousness of the check, he should consider himself damned lucky, because when I watch it, all I see are the words “POW!”, “BAM!”, “ZOKK!” But then again, that could be from something else entirely.
Either way, it sure is nice having you back, hockey.
Video: Phaneuf hit sends Isles’ Okposo off on stretcher [Puck Daddy]
Okposo carted off on stretcher in Isles’ loss [Newday]
• MLB Roundup. The Tigers got blown out by the lowly Royals 9-2, leaving them only a four-game lead on the Twins heading in to a three-game series this weekend at the Metrodome. Marvel at the ineptitude of the AL Central. Cole Hamels took a perfect game into the sixth inning, striking out ten as the Phillies beat the Nationals 4-2. Wade Davis pitched a four-hit shutout to earn his first major league victory as the Rays blanked the Orioles 3-0. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• National Football League. Colts receiver Anthony Gonzalez may be out longer than expected and could miss up to 8 weeks with sprained ligaments in his right knee. The Colts signed Eagles castoff Hank Baskett to fill in. [The Associated Press]
• NBA. After another breakdown in negotiations with the league, the spokesman for the NBA referee’s union has stated that a lockout appears “imminent and unavoidable.” Do they still get to keep their whistles? [The New York Times]
• The title of this post once again proves my theory: every story about Germany should involve David Hasselhoff. One in seven Germans would prefer to have the Berlin Wall back because the quality of life was better when it was erected. I think I know what’s behind this: Germans need more places to spray paint grafitti. [Yahoo!/Reuters]
• College Football. Georgia Tech at Miami. It’s gonna be a doozy! Yeah, like I have any idea. [ESPN, 7:30 ET]
• Major League Baseball. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim at Boston Red Sox. If this game were being played in the postseason, it would be a playoff game. [MLB Network, 7:00 ET]
• The only real reason to watch television tonight. Season premiere: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. “The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis” – “Frank, Mac and Dennis try their hand at real estate; Dee arranges to be a surrogate mother to a wealthy couple; Charlie faces off with a lawyer.” Tonight is like Television Christmas!!!! [FX, 10:00 ET]
• Must See TV. The Office. “Gossip” – “Michael feels left out when the rest of the staff gossips about the summer interns, so he hunts for a juicy secret to share.” It keeps getting better. Oh, and that Community show doesn’t look half bad, either. It’s on right after The Office, so tune in. [NBC, 9:00 ET]
• Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson got creative when with his contract negotiations. So creative in fact that he got fined for it. [Second-String Fullback]
• Don’t make wood carvings of Tim Tebow, fool. [Busted Coverage]
• First Derivative examines the ways in which we track the popularity of sports. [The Phoenix Pub]
• Man, I wish I had a San Antonio Spurs garden gnome. You know, for company. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Chris Berman’s daughter works for the Patriots? [The Big Lead]
• Buck up, subscribers to DirecTV. Versus and your satellite company are talking. [Puck Daddy]
• I missed it yesterday because of the whole blog crapping out gig, but here’s LeNoceur’s NSFWednesday post for the week. Yowsers. [Melt Your Face Off]
Wait, let me correct that: “Mark Reynolds Is Completely Immersed In The Swinging (And Missing) Lifestyle.”
There. That’s better.
Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds struck out four times Wednesday in a game against the San Diego Padres, giving him 200 strikeouts on the season, which means that he should easily break his own single season record he set last year of 204 strikeouts in a season by…
Finally! For those of you who have been missing Joe Theismann’s aptitude for astute analysis ever since he got his ass booted out of the Monday Night Football booth in favor of Tony Kornheiser (ugh), be prepared to rejoice. Theismann will be joining a virtual calvacade of some of his fellow castoffs from other networks for an NFL Network show called Playbook. Squee!
Via the very appropriately-named Sports Media Blog:
And according to the NFL, it is ” the most comprehensive X’s and O’s football show on television.,,Theismann joins NFL Network’s Brian Baldinger, Sterling Sharpe, Brian Billick, Mike Mayock and Solomon Wilcots who each week, prepare football fans for Sunday just like the players.”
The most comprehensive, you say? Don’t make Ron Jaworski and Merril Hoge come out of the film room and go ninja telestrator all over their punk asses. Everybody knows that NFL Matchup on ESPN is at the top of the heap when it comes to breaking down game film. Maybe not everybody, but how about everybody who suffers from insomina, given the show airs every week on Sundays at 3:00 in the morning? Still, it’s a helluva lead-in for Perspectives with Lionel Osbourne.
Wait. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Joe Theismann. Shit, even Saturday Night Live sketches from 10 years ago are more interesting than that blowhard windbag, or as I like to say, blowbag – or was it hardwind? Whatever. I’ve lost interest already.
Joe Theismann’s back in the game [Sports Media Blog]
Jim Mora and Mike Martz, who in the hell do you think you are? How dare you criticize Bears quarterback Jay Cutler’s shittastic performance Sunday night? It’s not like analyzing and sometimes even criticizing a player’s performance are even remotely close to what you were supposed to be doing.
Oh, they are? Huh.
It doesn’t matter. Bears head coach Lovie Smith cannot believe that Martz and Mora both had harsh words regarding Cutler during appearances on the NFL Network’s new show, The Head Coaches.
• ESPN is kicking off the college basketball season with 24 hours of coverage. Insane! [Awful Announcing]
• Tamir Goodman, the “Jewish Jordan,” retires. Huh. [Ball Don't Lie]
• A day in the life of Bobby Cox. [Style Points]
• Myles Brand. Dead. [The Phoenix Pub]
• Floyd Mayweather. Crazy. [Bootlegger Sports]
Hey, I understand we are now in the doldrums of the tennis season now that the U.S. Open is finished, but that doesn’t mean reputable news agencies like the Taiwan News should start just making up names of players and tournaments to give their writers something to do.
Shahar Peer? Akgul Amanmuradova? Guangzhou? Israel? Yeah, right. These sound like names that Clive Barker would come up with, not real people.
Come on, Taiwan News, you’re going to have to try a little harder than that to sneak one by old Weed.
Shahar Peer advances at Guangzhou Open [Taiwan News]
Random Photo Of A Geology Professor
A geology professor at Colorado University is between a rock and a hard place due to his calling out of senior linebacker Marcus Burton in class regarding the team’s poor play.
Burton said his geology professor told the class: “You people may think this class is boring. We’re just talking about rocks. But it’s no more boring than both the CU games. Marcus, you’re a captain. Can you tell us about that?”
In a move to drum up fan support for their upcoming game against the rival New England Patriots, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan let his fingers do the walking and left a message for Jets season ticket holders urging them to make the conditions Sunday at the Meadowlands when the Jets play the Patriots “miserable for Brady & Co. and seem like there’s 13 or 14 guys out there on defense.” Well, I suppose he didn’t technically let his fingers do the walking – they probably used one of those automated dialer machine thingamajobbers – but who knows, take a look at Ryan – you can tell that guy doesn’t do anything half-assed.
The 70 second unscripted pep-talk began with the following:
“Hey, this is Rex Ryan, the head coach of the New York Jets. I just wanted to let you know how much we need you this week. You know, I’ve already admitted that, hey, the Patriots have a better head coach and they’ve got a better quarterback than us. But we’re going to see who’s got a better team.”
And concluded with this closing:
“Again, I admit that I’m not as good as Belichick, but at the end of the game, I want to be 1-0 against him. So, help me out if you don’t mind. That’s my challenge, OK? Thank you. Bye.”
Jets fans, consider yourselves challenged. OK?
Originally, Ryan, who believes it’s a travesty that we as a society have completely abandoned the practice of corresponding with one another via the written word, initially considered sitting down at his desk and writing a letter to Jets fans, but considering his struggles with dyslexia, gave up after the first draft:
• MLB Roundup. Alex Gonzalez hit a bases-loaded walkoff bloop single in the bottom of the 9th to lead the Red Sox to a 9-8 win over the Angels. An RBI single by Everth Cabrera in the bottom of the 10th gave the Padres a 6-5 win against the Diamondbacks. Josh Johnson scattered nine hits over six innings, giving up only one run as the Marlins beat the Cardinals 5-2. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• National Football League. The New York Jets and former Jets head coach Eric Mangini were fined a total of $125,000 by the NFL for violating league rules regarding reporting injuries in relation to their handling of Brett Favre last season. [NFL.com]
• College Sports. Myles Brand, the president of the NCAA, died Wednesday after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. He was 67. [USA Today]
• I know it is said that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, but one man’s dumpster is another man’s love nest? Two 44-year-old horndoggers from Wichita, Kansas, in an attempt to get some private time to themselves, climbed into a dumpster for a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling only to be held up at knifepoint by a 64-year-old man and his 59-year-old companion, who stole shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet. Wait a second – the robbers were 64 and 59? I guess seniors really have been fooled in to thinking that they are going to lose Medicare. /Topical! [MSNBC]
CAPTAIN’S LOG, STARDATE -314708.87:
The Sportress is a sturdy and reliable ship, but even with the supercache running at full bore yesterday; it could not withstand the force of the attack on its defenses by the Hotclickulans. The crew braced for the worst as a barrage of referrers rained down upon its hull, sending the Sportress into a chaotic deadspin. We were nearing total annihilation, a warp core breach was imminent- antimatter containment was lost and the core was hemorrhaging coolant. From the Bridge, I initiated an emergency core shutdown, leaving the Sportress running only on auxiliary power. The ship was left vulnerable to further attacks, but we were at least safe for the moment.
I retired to the captain’s ready room to assess the damage. The situation was dire indeed. Fortunately, I had assembled a capable crew that was not short on ingenuity and valor. I was fortunate to have the services of a visitor to my ship, Commander Jerry Thompson, of Cando Entertainment, who served as a valued counselor. He came with a reputation of being a proven tactician and was well-decorated, as illustrated by his leadership of Twitrpix. I gratefully relied upon his expertise.
And without the service of my Chief Engineer Bradley La Forge, a skilled and crafty technician whose problem-solving abilities were only exceeded by his tenacious demeanor, the Sportress may have never survived. He sought neither glory nor recognition; simply the knowledge of being part of a job well done was reward enough for him.
But I would like to point out that every member of my crew displayed incredible bravery and tremendous support. I would like to commend each and every one of them, although there are far too many to list here.
After many trials, successes followed by failures followed by more successes, we have restored total power to the Sportress and it is now running at full operating capacity. The crew and I have learned from this near disaster and have taken the necessary precautions which should prevent such a grievous event from ever occurring again.
But in the end, we are here for this continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new dick jokes and new hot female tennis players, to boldly go where no blog has gone before.
Goddamn, what a friggin’ nerd. Even I feel like a neo maxi zoom dweebie after writing that one.
Nevertheless, the purpose of this post was to not only thank everyone who assisted me with getting SOB back online, but to all of you who sent your well-wishes and advice. I sincerely and truly appreciated it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date on the Holodeck with Counselor Troi.
See you all tomorrow.
Okay, that title may be a little misleading, as I am not aware whether Visanthe’s member is a sentient entity and if so, whether it has internet access, but Minnesota Vikings tight end Visanthe Shiancoe, a voracious Twitterer (1,320 tweets at this point), made the following announcement via his account last night:
Tim Hardaway To Have Jersey Number Retired By Heat, Probably Still Hates Gays
Posted by: Weed Against Speed on September 18, 2009 at 9:10 amTim Hardaway will become only the second player in Miami Heat history to have his jersey number retired, following Alonzo Mourning. The ceremony will take place on October 28th, before the season opener against the New York Knicks.
By no means am I implying that Hardaway doesn’t deserve the honor – he had a distinctive 13-year NBA career, including 6 with the Heat - it’s just that the news made me flash back to a more simple, innocent time, when I was not yet even a young pup in the Deadspin commentariat (I was still trying to get approved, which I was about a month later – as if anybody cares) and the story about Tim Hardaway hating gays set the comment section on Deadspin afire.
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