Have I Ever Mentioned How Much I Like Jason Whitlock?
Of course I haven’t, because usually I don’t like the smug bastard, but today I love the guy. When I saw that he was writing another column about Erin Andrews, I thought to myself, “Here we go again. Time to do another FJM-style takedown.” But instead of complete irritation, I was thoroughly entertained. Whitlock used his column today where he addresses Erin Andrews’ appearance on Oprah to take shots at some of the blogosphere’s favorite targets: Mike Lupica, Stuart Scott, Peter King, Joe Buck, Jay Mariotti and Rick Reilly, to name a few.
He’s one of us!
Let’s get right to the nitty gritty.
Right from the get-go, he shows off his self-deprecating sense of humor in the intro:
Our outstanding work as journalists is oftentimes overshadowed by our immense sex appeal, stylish dress and bubbly personality. I abandoned covering the U.S. Open this year because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle of the Williams sisters and Maria Sharapova constantly harassing me for my phone number.
Alright, I’ll give him a hearty +1 for that one.
Whitlock’s premise for the article is that by appearing on Oprah’s show, Erin Andrews is racheting up the jealousy and envy in other prominent media members. First, a primer on why he’s doing what he’s doing:
Let me tell you this, Andrews is about to be re-violated. Nothing turns the sports media green with envy quicker than a date with Big O.
Shortly after my appearance on Oprah, my old boss at AOL Sports hired an ESPN flack to write a hatchet job on me that appeared on AOL’s Web site while I was still a proud employee of AOL. And a former friend fired off e-mails to blogs gossiping about me and an Atlanta nursing student who was supporting herself with a part-time job at Cheetah’s.
With that in mind, I did some snooping this week and discovered what some sports media personalities are plotting to attract the attention of Oprah Winfrey producers.
You know what they say: “Hell hath no fury like a overweight sports columnist scorned.” I believe that’s how the saying goes.
To Whitlock’s credit, he doesn’t give two shits about what anyone thinks about him – bloggers, colleagues, other diners at all-you-can-eat buffets he frequents – it doesn’t matter – and despite his shortcomings in other areas, that makes him somewhat an endearing (and controversial) figure. Let’s move on to the carnage, shall we?
Mike Lupica: His Parting Shot on the next episode of “The Sports Reporters” will touch on the emotional scars he carries from paying his way through Boston College as a human bowling ball in the American Dwarf Bowling Association.
Zing! Any shot at Mike Lupica’s height and self-righteous indignation is fine by me.
Stuart Scott: Signed a three-record deal with Ron Artest’s Tru Warier rap label where Scott, under the stage name “Left Eye,” will team with Scoop Jackson, stage name “Bushwick Bill,” and John Clayton, stage name “Vanilla Nice,” to form the new millennium version of the Geto Boys.
He manages to sneak in a John Clayton dig as well. Nicely done, sir. And “Left Eye”? Awesome.
Peter King: Plans to release steamy pics of himself spooning and sipping Starbucks coffee with Brett Favre while watching the movie “Steel Magnolias.”
Okay, this one was good in theory, but the whole Brett Favre-Peter King-as-gay-lovers is a little played. Nevertheless, I liked it.
Joe Buck: Admits he sparked on-air confrontation with comedian Artie Lange by mooning the Howard Stern sidekick in the Green Room.
Now he could have done better with this one. A “disgusting act” reference would have been nice. Or maybe something about Buck’s proclivity for Thai child prostitutes. It’s true. I saw it on some message board somewhere.
Jemele Hill: Disappointed by her previous efforts — such as comparing the Celtics to Hitler, urging Packers fans to stone Brett Favre with batteries, blogging about oral sex — Hill claims she was an original member of Milli Vanilli.
Ohhhh snap! And don’t get mad about it, Jemele. Girl, you know it’s true.
Rick Reilly: In a cliche and pointless 800-word column that will be read by tens of hundreds of readers who find it while looking for Bill Simmons’ column, Reilly will reveal how his agent hoodwinked ESPN into a $3-million-a-year contract.
Awesome. Could have used a dental reference but solid nonetheless.
Jay Mariotti: Just finished writing his first book for children, “Why Santa Claus Should Be Fired!” Jay’s six-minute investigation — done during “Around The Horn” commercial breaks — into corruption at the North Pole reveals that St. Nick finances and operates an illegal reindeerfighting ring at his Alaskan summer home.
Oooh, the haterade. The delicious, delicious haterade. But he’s only making Jay Mariotti more famous, so that stinks.
Be sure to head over to his column and read the potshots he takes at Hank Goldberg, John Madden, Mike & Mike, Christine Brennan, Matt Millen, Charles Barkley, Michael Irvin and O.J. Simpson.
Well done, Whitlock. I’m more than happy to give you a pass today and perhaps even extend it two or three columns that will more than likely irritate the shit out of me.
Who loves ya, baby?
Erin Andrews video scandal: It’s all about the O [Fox Sports]