Last Call With Your Buddy Who Just Got Dumped By His Girlfriend
By
You know the guy I’m talking about: he couldn’t stand the constant text messages, how he could never hang out with his buddies anymore and how all she did was nag, nag, nag. But now that she’s dumped his complaining ass, you can’t get him out of the house. Everything is “Tara this” and “Tara that.” It’s enough to drive you up the goddamn wall.
So, one day, you’ve finally had enough of listening to the piece of shit whine, so you decide to take him out for a night on the town. “Screw her,” you say, and to your surprise, he reluctantly agrees. The problem is you never know which side of the manic depressive personality you’re going to get: the pissed off one that’s going to go balls to the wall, drink like a fish and start a fight with some bouncer or the lowly loser who hides in the back of the booth and doesn’t talk to anyone.
May I introduce you to a composite of that lovable loser buddy we have all had at one time or another. Let’s call him “Todd.” Take it away, slappy.
“Hey guys. It’s really nice of you all to invite me out to Last Call tonight. Times have been kind of tough since Tara took off and left. If I only would have known what I did wrong I know I could change, but that fucking BITCH changed her cell phone number! Who does that?!?
But you know what? Tonight, I’m putting it all behind me. Yes sir, I’m turning over a new leaf and we’re gonna have fun, man! WOOOOOOO! Let’s do this, guys! What’s first? The strip club? Drinks? Oh, I get it. Let’s get something in our stomachs to soak up that booze, right?”
Blogetizers
- San Francisco 49ers by Dany Heatley Speedwagon [Style Points]
- Usain Bolt [The Phoenix Pub]
- In Unrelated News, Paul Haggis Started To Write Crash 2 [Second-String Fullback]
- Wrestling Recap: Enter the Dragon, WGN Emails (sort of), and Commenter Games! [The Rookies]
- Why Liverpool Fans Shouldn’t Worry (Too Much) [Avoiding the Drop]
Awesome! Those dudes are cool, man! What’s next?
The Entree
- It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: “Dee Rides The Bus”
“Oh, Sweet Dee reminds me of Tara. God, I miss that harlot! Somebody get me a fucking shot before I go fucking crazy!”
Sorbet
- Keira Knightley
“Yanno guys, one day maybe I’ll meet Keira Knightley and she’ll understand me and what I’ve been through. You know what I mean? She seems like, I don’t know, like she gets it…does that make sense. I’m getting pretty ripped, guys…”
Music Brought To You By
- The Smiths “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out”
“That song is so true, so true. Tara!! Tara!!”
Okay, okay. That’s enough out of you, Todd. Go take a breather and have a smoke outside. Just don’t talk to the people in line again. No one cares that you cry yourself to sleep every night. Frankly, it’s embarrassing.
Alright, kiddos. Do what you do.
By the way, sorry about Todd. However, I do believe we did some good work here and got him on the right path. Maybe.
Oooh, the Smiths. Thanks man!
So, seems we’re having some iffy days today… Someone’s got jokes, right?
@James Brown, Nah, I’m just running out of types of people who annoy me when I’m drinking is all. I’ll be cheerier next time.
@Weed Against Speed, Well, in general, Weed. I pretty much ended up chopping up my own carpet and putting in a new carpet. All of this with a huge headache.
But yes, that fucker is annoying to put up with. Also, I’m annoyed that my books haven’t shown up yet, and I go back to school Monday.
Mmmmm, I’d love to suck that collagen right out of Keira’s lips. it’s so yummy!
As she was moving in, I overheard the girl across the hall say “I’m sure my dad knows I have sex.” Things are looking up in my neck of the woods.
@PlayoffBeard, finally! someone with good news! woohoo!
Reminds me… Like I always tell the young punks at work. When I was in high school, we had goth kids back then too. Only then, they were known as “Smiths fans” or “Cure fans.”
How’s it hanging everyone?
Lemme get up in here before the bitch closes for a change. FIRST DAY OFF IN TWO WEEKS FTW WOOOOO!! Now put on some fucking Cure on the juke while I order a drink, you know how it is when your girl just up an — oh wait, my bad.
So. What is tha deelio with you scumbuskers????
does anyone have any interest in or connection to Division III college football? If so, I have a shameless plug to make. If not, carry on, taintstains.
@JohnnyDakotaStateU, I have an interest in D3 Football. I’ve met a coach a few times. Plug away.
@WhiteSpeedReceiver, http://www.d3football.com
Kickoff came out today. preview of every conference, all 238 teams, a bunch of feature stories. probably the most comprehensive college football preview.
@JohnnyDakotaStateU, SJU 13th? Fucking blasphemy. Worthless.
Bookmarked.
@JohnnyDakotaStateU, lowercase might also be interested, too. Try to hit him up.
You know who I like, Weed? Salesmen who promise something impossible to make a sale. They offer a customer Azerbaijan and a set of 13-year old albino twin Taiwanese ladyboys, knowing full well they couldn’t deliver any of it. Then they blame accounting. Then you get home and your girlfriend is watching 10 Things I Hate About You, the fucking TV show.
I call that scenario “Tuesday.”
Buy stock in Irish Distilleries. I predict an upswing in sales soon.
@WhiteSpeedReceiver, Fuck that, man. Everybody knows albino twin Taiwanese ladyboys are always retarded. Then what good are they? Huh?
@Weed Against Speed, Beats the hell out of me. I’ve always been partial to Hong Kong triplets. But you never know when it comes to salesmen.
Wow. Crapfest of a day for almost everyone. Good thing I brought along back up supplies from the Pub.
Take your pick…
/passes a virtual 5th of whiskey/scotch/vodka/rum to everyone.
Whiskey, please…
Watching the eternal movie of MAN, Bloodsport. Because it’s quite funny to see the cokehead trying to be a tough man.
@James Brown, Hey, I didn’t see you in my outpatient treatment meeting last night. Just so you know, I was having a bad day, man.
What?
@Weed Against Speed, Well, you could be worse off. You could be a Heat player.
@James Brown, It’s good that even in these tough times, you’re able to poke fun at Miami.
@ailanthus altissima, Why not, dear. My all day headache and school troubles are not as bad as a pro athlete that can’t seem to keep out of trouble.
@James Brown, True. I read the tweets he posted. The kid is a mess.
Fun tidbit – Beasley and Chalmer’s snafu at the rookie camp/symposium also involved Darrell Arthur. This is possibly not a fun tidbit for anyone else.
@James Brown, Idiot Barking Dog took up kickboxing?
@Old King Clancy, No… You know that move would end up like the time Canseco took up MMA.
@James Brown: Pfft. He can only dent a cookie sheet with help.
The Smiths is no way to get cheered up. I don’t like them, not even a little bit.
@ailanthus altissima, What if we don’t want to get cheered up? Huh?
@WhiteSpeedReceiver, I am about to give a sincere answer: because I spend too much time being legitimately bummed to waste any more time on it than I absolutely have to.
Cheering up all round!
@ailanthus altissima, Damn you and your “common sense.”
I’ll try cheering up, but I don’t have to be happy about it.
@ailanthus altissima, damn. so much for Sisters of Mercy and cutting myself.
@Sculptor?!?, Hey now, hey now, now, sing this corrosion to me…
I walked into my local Subway restaurant, and the owner had Fox Soccer on the TV. My new favorite place to eat.
Good evening all… I’ll be drinking Jameson, just so I can feel what you folks feel tonight.
@Rob in WI, I’m feeling like my eyes have gotten worse and that tomorrow I will lounge around the pool all day.
What beverage mimics that?
@ailanthus altissima, Get a large glass with some ice. 1 shot vodka, 1 shot peach schnapps, fill with lemonade.
@ailanthus altissima, Grey Goose. If it’s over 83 degrees outside, add lemonade. If it’s between 72-83, tonic or club soda. Under 72 degrees, neat.
@ailanthus altissima, mai tais. lots of them.
@ailanthus altissima, A Blind Pool Lounger?
@ailanthus altissima, Pink Lemonade and vodka is really good, at least the way one of my friends made it. Pretty sure he had about 1/3 of the bottle of Vlad, mixed in some lemonade mix then added water. The Vlad DIDN’T taste like shit. 1st time ever. The Swedish fish drink isn’t bad either.
@RonArtestTableLeg, Then it’s settled – vodka and lemonade it is!
@ailanthus altissima, Just make sure it’s mixed enough. We tried to make large quantities of it once in a Gatorade dispenser. It tasted like 8 pixie sticks dumped into 1 shot of vlad. In other words, awful.
@RonArtestTableLeg, I gotta know, though…Swedish Fish drink? Is this what I think it is (ie, related to twizzler straws)
@Sculptor?!?, There’s 2 different ones (i think) there’s a martini and a shot. I had like half a sip and the martini and a few of the shots. Their not bad. There is also a swedish fish water ice which i guess if you let it melt would be a drink.
Fuck J-roll. Fuck Mat Latos. For good measure, fuck Favre too.
ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA! It’s only my favorite show of all time. Charlie’s one of the greatest television characters in the history of, uh, ever.
@Shakey, That’s a show I almost wish Danny Devito wouldn’t have done… he’s funny as Frank, but I would have loved t just let it be the foursome.
@Shakey, I concur. Now I don’t have to go America all over everybody’s ass.
(new epidodes September 17th!!)
@Weed Against Speed, I’m so pumped for this season. The best part is most of my friends watch the show so I can quote Night Man at will and nobody’ll think I’m exceptionally crazy.
So, seems the Titans are getting Mawae back off the PUP list for once. We might have a decent line this season.
The funniest thing I have ever read about The Smiths was when someone on Jezebel posted that her friend thought the song “Ask” was an explicit rather than implicit celebration of gay sex and the words were:
So arse me, arse me, arse me.
Arse me, arse me, arse me.
If it’s not love, then it’s the bum, the bum, the bum, the bum …
I haven’t been able to listen to the song correctly since.
@Old King Clancy, HAHAHAHAAAAAA!
/I hate you now.
@Old King Clancy, I love the Jezebel ladies, but sometimes they have some moments…
So, does anyone wonder what the hell goes on in athlete’s minds when they decide they want to go on Ustream. Or are we all agreeing it’s brain damage?
@James Brown, then and always. it’s like dogs – what are they thinking? we’re never going to know, so i try not to worry about it.
I know this topic comes up frequently, but I’m going to ask anyway. Is it me, or are commercials getting not only stupider, but also making less sense? I know it’s been on a downward spiral, but it appears the latest batch have accelerated the spin ’round the drain hole.
@Sculptor?!?, any one in particular causing you angst?
@dave, well, i hate the talking potholes, for starters.
@Sculptor?!?, It’s not just you. I got basic cable after going without for like 10 months and my mind is BLOWN.
What waiter yells “problem!” instead of just refusing you service?
And don’t get me started on the music…Chase Bank using a love song to illustrate how they’re there for their customers. PSH.
@Sculptor?!?, here’s nice trick. If you have a DVR let the program you want to watch get about 5-7 min in. Then rewind it and skip the commercials.
@dave, too cheap to pay for a DVR subscription – i can’t see paying for the “privilege” of them getting more data mines, just so i can skip commercials.
@Sculptor?!?, I have this same problem with movie trailers. I’ve seen 5 movies in the past week (done work, class starts monday…so), and i’ve seen at least 20 previews, all of them bad. I’ve seen the one for shutter island 4 times. They could show it 100 times and i still won’t see it. So apparently there are no movies rated p-13 or R that are any good coming out in the next year.
WWJAD in regards to Todd, eh Weed?
@business_socks, heeeeey babe! how you doin’?
@Sculptor?!?, Celebrating the fact that Ron Artest claims he’s going to quit twitter in a couple of days.
@business_socks, Indeed. He’d tell him to go hunting and eat the heart of any beast he kills.
Holy Christ.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/24/kfcs-double-down-sandwich_n_266848.html
Yum….
@Weed Against Speed, That sounds so completely awesome.
I have a serious question. If you read Drew’s Eagles preview, he mentioned that Florio and Peter King mentioned a rule about emerg QBs, and how this makes Andy Reid an idiot because he won’t be able to play Vick without carrying 4 QBs on the roster. Does anyone know the links to where Florio or King mentioned this, or can they explain this rule to me? I’ve never heard of it, but it sounds really stupid the way Drew described it.
@Chris Hanson’s Axe [On Deadspin.]
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, This explains it well.
http://www.philly.com/inquirer/sports/20090823_QB_rule_clouds_Vick_role.html
@HernandezStache, and everyone else…
I still don’t get it. Why would the Eagles need to carry FOUR qbs? Why not just drop Feeley, regardless of what they list Vick as?
Also, how did the Eagles get around this rule when they used 3rd-stringer Koy Detmer for holding kicks, and how did the 49ers let 3rd-stringer Cody Pickett play on special teams?
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, They don’t need to hold 4 QB’s. They don’t have to give up a roster spot for Vick if they label him Emergency Quarterback. The problem is that they then can’t use him before the 4th quarter without making the other’s ineligible. If they don’t list him as the Emergency QB they have to get rid of a roster spot for him and he can play whenever they want.
It’s all just useless semantics, and yes Andy Reid is a douchetard.
@gally82, Ok I posted my followup before I read the article Hernandez posted. I get the 4 QBs thing now.
Now, how did Koy and Cody get to play?
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, I’m pretty sure it’s because they were taking up a roster spot. Once they have the roster spot, they can be used on Special Teams. Tom Brady could cover kicks, but it’s not going to happen.
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, Vick needs to be listed as the 2nd quarterback so he can go in at any time. The Kolb and Feeley would be the 3rd and 4th guy. Whoever is the 3rd qb can’t play unless the 1st and 2nd qb is out for the game. So if (when) McNabb gets “hurt” then he would have to play Vick the rest of the game (which their not preparing to do). Reid is an idiot, that is a proven fact. This is why everyone wanted Pat White to be drafted as a CB/RB/WR.
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, I’ve heard the of the rule, but Drew did not explain it that well. I believe its that there is a roster spot, 53rd man I supposed, to be used if and only if both QBs ahead of him go down. Vick will likely be utilized in different ways, thus not eligible for this roster spot.
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, the thing was, you could carry an extra squad player if it was the #3 emergency quarterback. But if the emergency quarterback played before the forth quarter the other two quarterbacks were ineligible. So therefore to use Vick as a quarterback, they would have to not carry the extra player but instead remove a role player from the team in regards to that game.
The loophole that I don’t think anybody mentioned is don’t call him a quarterback. Ronnie Brown was able to take snaps because he was labeled a RB. Seneca Wallace was able to step in in Seattle originally as he was listed as a WR.
Quick poll time! Who’s the most unrealistic Bond villain?
@Sculptor?!?, Wow, that’s a tough one. I haven’t even seen them all, but I’d go with Goldfinger
@Sculptor?!?, Dry, chafed skin?
Oh wait, that’s Gold Bond villain.
My bad.
@Weed Against Speed, But then Goldmember loved dry skin.
@Sculptor?!?, Jonathan Pryce in Tomorrow Never Dies. I mean, c’mon, everyone knows that media moguls could NEVER be proper villains. They’re too busy promoting the public good and shit.
@Sculptor?!?, Scaramonga. A 3rd nipple doesn’t make a scary villian. Having a midget butler helps, but it’s still not that impressive.
The disappointment in finding out a movie is only rated PG-13 is one of a kind.
@PlayoffBeard, I know. When is Miley Cyrus going to expand her acting range?
Wait. What?
@PlayoffBeard, I wonder, is this just a trend in my town, or a more widespread phenomenon: Recently, I keep getting carded and asked if I’m 18 when I go to R rated movies. The hell? And it has nothing to do with my looks, either.
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, pfft. i get carded buying beer, but hubby doesn’t. and trust me, there’s no fucking way i look significantly younger than i really am.
@Chris Hanson’s Axe, I’ve gotten carded a few times in the last few months…21>>>17. I guess it’s not that easy for some of these old people that work at our theaters.
Question: why do I continue to watch episodes of The Office and Family Guy on TBS that I have seen 50 times?
Am I just holding out for FrankTV promos? Or whatever that show was called about the grocery store? What happened to that?
@Weed Against Speed, I think you’re just waiting for the next viewing of National Security. Maybe for an episode of My Boys too, I dunno.
And 10 Items or Less was good for a guilty chortle or two – especially when they had a whole episode about turkey bowling.
@Weed Against Speed, ugh, not Supermarket Sweep?
And I have no idea. I keep watching the damn FG reruns on Adult Swim at 11:30. And I’m not much of a fan of the show, really.
@Weed Against Speed, I’ve found it amazingly proportional; the older the Family Guy, the more watchable it is over repeated views, yet the newer it is, the less watchable it is even the first time.
@Weed Against Speed, I guess if you like the shows, fine. I’ve seen every episode of seasons 2 and 3 of Friday Night Lights at least 3 times. I watch Home Improvement, the Simpsons and several other shows over and over because they’re always on.
Evening, everyone. How’s tricks?
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, UFC 102 – buy or sell?
@Green Eggs and Fulham, Buy, barely. I really do want to see Randy and Nog go at it, and we get a really solid middleweight fight in Marquardt-Maia. Silva-Jardine should be fun, and I like Krzysztof from TUF.
Also, I hear Spike’s broadcasting some of the otherwise dark matches for free prior to the PPV, for the first time. Which is also cool.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, I’d forgotten that Nate was on the televised undercard, which makes this pretty much an instant buy for me (cousin of a friend knows him, so it’s easy to cheer for him and the other Jackson’s fighters).
Haven’t watched a round of MMA since UFC 100, so I guess I’m due.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, 102 and 103 i’m not looking too forward to. 104 is going to be awesome and i’ll watch it, 105 is going to suck, but it’s free and 106 will be insane.
@RonArtestTableLeg, Yeah, the bulked up UFC 100 had to result in a subpar one down the line. Though I don’t think 103′s card is that bad, it suffers in comparison to the others.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, Yeah, Dan Hardy beating up someone sounds cool and i’m sure BJ Penn wrecks his opponent, but i look at 105′s card and it screams “FREE.” 103 looks ok, just not something i’m going to go out of the way to watch or skip a night of drinking to watch.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, Hola! Recovering from a craptastic day. You?
@Sculptor?!?, About the same. How was your trip to Chicago?
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, A complete bust. No sales at all. Although the curb stomping of the Pirates at the hands of the Cubs that Friday was a brilliant way to see Wrigley for the first time.
@Sculptor?!?, Oh that sucks. Sorry to hear that.
Glad you enjoyed Wrigley, though.
Personally, I’m enjoying myself because it’s 9 games right now.
*knocks wood*
Also, Zach Greinke is craaaaazy.
@Craig Esherick’s Mustache, 15 K’s? ProZack’s back on the warpath…shame he’s on a team in perpetual rebuilding mode.
Eeew. Jennifer Aniston in a new movie? Why won’t she stay dead?
Fine. Something random just to hit #100.
@Sculptor?!?, If we’re going random, let’s do it at someone’s expense, at least.
Isn’t that right, Stevie G?
@Green Eggs and Fulham, Fucking spectacular.
@Green Eggs and Fulham, Yeah, it’s amazing what you can find on YouTube. That kid’s awesome.
I just ordered an upgrade from Macromedia Studio MX 2004 to Adobe Creative Suite 4 (Web Premium), and I just have to say – I’m an enormous sucker. An enormously cash-poor sucker.
Oh well, the price I have to pay to have something that’s a Universal Binary instead of some legacy PowerPC software. Fucking progress.
@Green Eggs and Fulham, Oh, dude. why go all the way to CS4? CS2 is still plenty current for most projects.
@Sculptor?!?, Well, there are a couple of reasons for that. 1) I’m a muppet when it comes to finding proper software. 2) I had the PowerPC version of Studio MX2004 for Mac, and I needed to upgrade that for it to be compatible with Mac OS 10.6 when I get that this week. 3) I got a $100 discount for ordering this upgrade when I did. Never mind that I would’ve saved more had I done some detective work.
I probably would’ve ordered CS2 if I’d been thinking, but I did do a little bit of research before I ordered, and I psyched myself out as to what I needed to order.
At least now I will have Photoshop Extended Version, which I didn’t have before, so I’m telling myself that it’s worth it for that…
@Green Eggs and Fulham, well, if you use PS a LOT, then yeah, the full version of PS is probably worth it. Elements can be frustratingly limited.
Allrighty gang, time for me to cash in my chips. See you lot tomorrow!
To Ted Kennedy! A Senator who stood by his convictions, and a terrible date.