Jason Whitlock Believes That Pussy Is The Biggest Dynasty In Sports

jasonwhitlockwhitlockbunnyLove him or hate him, Jason Whitlock is always an entertaining read and frequently provocative, and his latest column, “Pitino ran into the biggest dynasty in sports” does not disappoint.

The column obviously delves into the trouble Rick “Cabaret” Pitino has gotten himself into, and our good man Whitlock believes that Pitino is only the latest (and not the last) sports figure to run into the biggest dynasty of them all in sports: pussy, snatch, cooch, etc.

Read along with me. FJM-style always works well in these situations, so I’m going that well until it runs dry, which should be about halfway through this post.

The ’72 Dolphins can’t touch Pussy Galore.

They also can’t touch their toes without pissing themselves, but I do like the Pussy Galore reference.

pussy-galore

Adding Rick Pitino, Josh Hamilton and Reggie Miller to her list of victims…

Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?

…Pussy Galore’s record remains unblemished…

So her record uses Proactiv?

…and unprecedentedly gaudy…

As gaudy as a Liberace gangbang.

…since the beginning of the decade when A.C. Green escaped the NBA untainted by her joys.

But the callusses. Oh, the callusses…

Mercury Morris isn’t allowed into her neighborhood.

Fucking gated communities.

John Wooden’s UCLA Bruins couldn’t afford a house on her block.

Come on. The mortgage crisis will pass.

Since Green’s hiccup and jerri-curl-aided getaway, PG has knocked out every challenger, ruining careers, marriages and lives along the way.

Is PG a new game for PlayStation 3?

Reportedly she’s set her sights on Tim Tebow, vowing to bring down the allegedly still-celibate Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback before the BCS title game.

Tim Tebow versus Pussy Galore: who ya got? As long as it doesn’t involve NFL-type quarterbacking skills, I’m putting my money on Tebow.

Is there a logical reason to believe she won’t succeed?

We know he can do circumcisions. Has Tebow moved up the gential mutilation ladder to castration?

She impeached a president and now, more impressively, she threatens to topple a highly successful college basketball coach.

Toppling Rick Pitino is more impressive than nearly bringing down Slick Willie? Surely you jest.

As my mother would say, she’s a bitch on a bicycle.

What can that possibly mean? Did the Good Humor ice cream get sold on Whitlock’s block by a chick on a bike who rode too fast?

Respect her and her power or risk experiencing her wrath.

That means you’re putting the pussy on pedastal though, and I heard that isn’t good either.

Pitino should’ve coughed up the $10 million. His reputation will never recover.

You know what else won’t recover? Telling a girl you knocked up that $50 should take care of everything right before you get yourself the hell out of Dodge.

How does a millionaire, married, middle-aged public figure have an unprotected one-night stand on the floor of a restaurant with a woman he’s known for a couple of hours if her name isn’t Beyonce, Gisele or Halle?

What about Selena, Jason? Or Serena for that matter. Maybe Mrs. Butterworth, in Whitlock’s case.

Monica Lewinsky, the White House and a Cuban cigar make more sense than Karen Sypher, a restaurant and an assistant coach playing peek-a-boo in an adjoining booth.

Hey, it could be worse than the guy playing peek-a-boo. Better that than playing Photo Hunt – that fucking game gives me a headache.

Seriously, I don’t want to make excuses for Pitino. I don’t want to rationalize his gross error, but you know damn well Pussy Galore’s BFF (booze) played a major role in this fiasco.

It’s not Paris Hilton? When will she ever find a new one?

This sounds like the mother of all Patron body shots that skidded way off course.

I had a Patron body shot skid off course once on me. I still feel bad about that guy having to get a glass eye.

Like Hamilton, Pitino should take the Jamie Foxx route and blame it on the al-al-al-cohol.

He could have gone the Red Foxx route and blamed it on Whitey.

Look, the adultery is bad.

Mmmm-kay?

mrmackey

His $3,000 bribe/health care package is worse.

“You’re offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction fa-thil-ilty!”

But those, along with his Catholicism, are private matters properly left between Pitino and his wife and family. Louisville should not use some sort of flimsy morality clause to get rid of Pitino.

Have you ever had your flimsy morality cause caught in your zipper? It hurts like the dickens!

He is no more immoral than Hamilton and Miller, PG’s other recent victims.

But a much snappier dressser, and that should count for something, right?

I know, Hamilton blamed his fall off the wagon on his addiction to alcohol and drugs.

I once fell off the wagon when my brother went around a corner too fast. I am now frightened by anything red that has four wheels. You would think that wouldn’t be bad, but you should see the fit I go into whenever I hear the song or see the video “Little Red Corvette.”

Little Red Corvette

The Deadspin pictures told a far different story.

No harsh words for DS? I like how Deadspin and Jason Whitlock can play nice now.

Drunken actions are sober thoughts.

Huh?

The groping, licking and backdooring revealed a man using the bottle as an excuse to reconnect with the real love of his life, Strange Tang.

Strange Tang nearly derailed the Apollo Program.

Hamilton battled PG with a Bible, a 12-step program, a full-time sobriety coach and a just-say-no public-relations campaign the likes of which we haven’t seen since Ronald and Nancy Reagan vacated the Oval Office.

Thank goodness jelly beans weren’t considered a Schedule One Narcotic.

They were no match for the ambush Galore laid for Hamilton in Arizona. Hamilton was General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorny.

Nice. But I would have went with Hamilton was General Robert E. Lee at the Battle of Sluttysburg.

And just as Hamilton should thank Pitino for diverting attention away from his defeat, Reggie Miller can thank Hamilton for overshadowing his text-message pursuit of a 25-year-old clothing designer with a crazy, rich and vindictive fiance.

Was Reggie getting tips from Stuart Scott? Lemme know.

The “Reggie Miller Stop Pursuing Married Women” banner that flew over Malibu could’ve easily been Galore’s story of the month, but short of a Tebow-Paris Hilton sex tape surfacing nothing is likely to top Pitino’s sexcapades in the near future.

I dunno. I have heard very good things about the Martina Navratilova-Ellen DeGeneres-Jodie Foster Fisting sex tape, in that if you need to curb your crippling girl-on-girl porn addiction, this is the video for you.

Quite frankly…

Once again, stop stealing Stephen A. Smith’s bit! He’s got that shit COPYRIGHTED!!

…it would take Michelle walking in on Barack and Hillary to unseat Slick Rick. Yes, the Pitino case is that strong of a testament to PG’s strength.

How about Laura walking in on George and Dick? Again.

Focusing on Pitino’s restaurant romp doesn’t even come close to telling the complete story.

Paul Harvey isn’t walking through that door.

The truly enlightening tale is the aftermath, the fact that Louisville’s conditioning coach, Tim Sypher, would learn the details and conclude Karen would make a wonderful bride.

Maybe he’s one of them cuckholds. Have you thought of that?

Just think about that and ask yourself if there is a more powerful force on this planet than Pussy Galore.

Of course there is: G.I. Joe – in theaters now!! Somebody please go see it! Dennis Quaid really needs this to be a hit! He was in Dreamscape and that movie was badass. Dammit, Dennis Quaid used to be somebody!

dreamscape

Tim Sypher went to work every day with his head high and a smile on his face despite knowing his boss knocked boots on a dirty restaurant floor with his wife within hours of meeting her and then financed her abortion.

At least she had the abortion. That way, he doesn’t have to raise the little brat, amirite?

If love is blind, lust is deaf, dumb and blind.

And erotic asphyxiation is simply a case of Down’s Syndrome.

I’m sure some of you reading this are appalled that I won’t pass harsh judgment on Pitino’s transgression.

I’m just shocked you didn’t blame it on Daulerio and Leitch.

You’re making the same mistake made by the hypocritical South Carolina governor who voted to impeach President Clinton.

Hey, I’ve never even been on the Appalachian Trail, let alone used it as an excuse for any sexual indiscretions.

Or you play for a team that never schedules Pussy Galore as an opponent.

/no homo

Pitino ran into the biggest dynasty in sports [Fox Sports]

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1 Comment

  1. Gonzo

    August 14, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?

    Greatest line in TV history.

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