Archive for July, 2009
I ain’t touching this one with a ten-foot pole, except for saying that Martellus should look up Carmelo Anthony before the next time he holds the event.
Yowsers.
[H/T You Been Blinded via Larry Brown Sports]
• Everyone should pity poor, poor Sad Steelers Sweatshirt Boy. [With Leather]
• The Notorious MOB breaks down Colin’s Cowherd’s Sportsnation show. It ain’t pretty. [The Phoenix Pub]
• Jay Cutler is doing his best to ruin every football team in the country, one at a time. [Bootlegger Sports]
• Saberhagendaaz speculates that Bartolo Colon fell into a vat of melted chocolate and died. [Style Points]
• Video of Allen Iverson crying while talking about his scholarship program. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Finally, after the jump, video of a attempting to ride son’s dirtbike, but all she manages to do is run over an old lady in wheelchair. Perfect stuff for a Friday. [H/T Regretful Morning via Epic Carnival]
Man, talk about a craptastic musical lineup for Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game. It has been announced that singer-songwriter and Missourah native Sheryl Crow, who is about as relevant to contemporary popular music as a cassette tape, has been tapped to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the All-Star Game next week. What gives? Wasn’t Joan Osborne or some other washed-up ’90s female performer available? I heard Sarah McLachlan was going to do it, but she had other commitments involving saving a beagle or a goldfish or something and I believe Tori Amos and Fiona Apple are dead.
In addtition to the anthem, Crow will also be performing at a charity concert with Elvis Costello (okay, he’s cool) under the St. Louis’ Gateway Arch this Saturday.
But hold on, there’s more. Someone named Ginuine will perform the anthem at Sunday’s Futures game, American Idol winner David Cook will sing two songs before the Home Run Derby with 2005 Idol finalist Nikko Smith, son of Cardinals Hall of Famer Ozzie Smith performing the Anthem.
Wow. The MLB All-Star Game: Where Medicority Happens. I can assure you I will not be tuning in to any of these performances.
What’s worse is somebody named Sara Evans will sing “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch, according to the Commissioner’s Office. Who in the hell is she anyway?
(does Google Image Search)…
After serving what must have been a grueling twenty-four days in the clink for running over and killing a guy, Donte Stallworth was released earlier this morning from Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center in Miami, according to his attorney Christopher Lyons. Stallworth will now serve two years on house arrest and eight years probation. Add in his indefinite suspension from the NFL by Roger Goodell and it appears Stallworth will have plenty of time to contemplate how lucky he was to get off so easily.
I have on good word that his former cellmates had a discussion regarding Stallworth’s release and how they believe he’s going to deal with life on the outside. Apprently, there was some sort of incident.
Above is the tweet that appeared on Rich Eisen’s Twitter account late last night.
Of course, Eisen, the face of the NFL Network, claimed via tweet that his Twitter account was hacked and that is why the world is now aware of his blue-balled horndoggedness.
• MLB Roundup. The Royals rallied from a four-run deficit to beat the Red Sox 8-6. Randy Wolf earned his first victory in eight starts as the Dodgers pounded the Mets 11-2. Kerry Wood earned the save as the Indians beat the White Sox 10-8. Chase Utley hit an inside-the-park home run by and Jayson Werth homered for the fourth straight game as the Phillies beat the Reds 9-6. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• PGA Tour. Darron Stiles and Lee Janzen are tied for first after each of them shot a 7-under 64 in the first round of the John Deere Classic. [PGATour.com]
• Tour de Lance. Fabian Canellara remained in the lead with Lance Armstrong only a slit second behind him after Thor (nice!) Hushovd of Norway won the rainy sixth stage. [Yahoo!]
• Teacher marries his fourth-grade student in mock wedding on playground – did she wear white? Hoo boy, that’s just a horrible thing to write, but probably not as horrible as fourth-grade teacher Paul Rosenblum feels about indulging “a little girl’s game of dress-up and make-believe” by “marrying her” while wearing “a black graduation gown and a clown tie.” The blushing bride wore “a sheet draped around her clothes for a gown.” Certainly not a wise decision on his part, but his heart was in the right place and rumor has it Mr. Rosenblum was planning on taking her on an imaginary vacation to Haiti – he never thought he was going to make it back there. [MSNBC]
Shiver me timbers. Nicole Bobek, former U.S. figure skating champion, has posted bail and been released from custody after she was arrested in connection to a meth distribution ring.
Nicole Bobek, who has homes in New York City and Jupiter, Fla., has been charged with conspiracy to distribute methamphetamine in Hudson and other North Jersey counties. She was arrested in Florida last week and extradited to New Jersey.
So far, 20 people, including Bobek, have been arrested in connection with the drug ring. An investigation is ongoing.
According to Hudson County Prosecutor Edward DeFazi, Bobek was a “significant player” in a ring that moved more than $10,000 of meth a week.
Yikes. That ain’t good. But the thing that gets to me the most is how different she looks in these two photos. I bet you a dollar to a donut that if word got out that you could go from looking like Bobek did on the left to how she appears in her mug shot on the right, meth use would be reduced by 50%, which means maybe only 75 people would be using it in this country. Which is good.
Ex-skate champ Bobek posts bail, faces meth charge [The Associated Press]
• Major League Baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers at New York Mets. Little known fact: the Dodgers used to play in New York as well. Seriously, look it up. [MLB Network, 7:00 ET]
• Golf. Replay of Round One of the John Deere Classic. I’m already wearing my John Deere pajamas in anticipation. I don’t think my fellow employees are very appreciative of my wardrobe – I’m sorry, I can’t help that the front of the bottoms has that gap (you know what I’m talking about, right?) and Weed, Jr. sometimes pokes his head out. He needs air and it’s the human body, people. Deal with it. [The Golf Channel, 8:30 ET]
• Must-See TV. Reruns! Whoo! Two episodes of The Office in between two episodes of 30 Rock. If I haven’t seen it, it’s new to me. [NBC, 8:00 ET]
• Just like my high school physics teacher in after-school tutoring sessions. Naked Science. “Tsunami From Outer Space.” Awesome! I love Ed Wood’s films! [National Geographic Channel, 10:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 9th)
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Whoops. Forgot to schedule this one. Apologies.
• Chris Berman will be using Doppler technology to keep track of balls hit during the Home Run Derby. He tested it out earlier this week and ended up having a great time at the Blue Oyster Bar. [Awful Announcing]
• I couldn’t pass this headline up from The Onion: “Baseball Fans Delighted By New Between-Innings Fuck-Cams.” What a world that would be in which to live. I guess it depends on who is doing the fucking. [The Onion]
• General Tao pays his respects to the now-retired Joe Sakic. [Food Court Lunch]
• Punte breaks down a landmark case from Georgia that will make it easier for teachers to fuck their students. At least that is how I read it – but to be honest, my eyes started glazing over as I read it due to thinking about my 7th grade choir teacher. [With Leather]
• I don’t know what sort of drugs Shakey got his hands on, but I want some. This is brilliant. [Style Points]
Chris “Birdman” Andersen, the first-ever entrant into S.O.B.’s “It Looks Like They Combed Their Hair With A Carameled Apple” Hall of Fame, has reached a five-year deal with the Denver Nuggets. Terms were not disclosed but Andersen will reportedly be able to earn up to $26 million over the life of the contract. Not too shabby for a guy whose career was essentially down the shitter after being forced to serve a two-year ban for undisclosed drug use.
I know what you’re thinking – where’s the “Birdman Won’t Spread His Wings” or “Pepsi Center Will Be The Location Of Birdman’s Nest For Five More Seasons” or “The Birdman Wont’ Fly The Coop” headline? Sorry, you won’t find weaksauce material like that here on S.O.B. Sure, I’ll make poop and fart jokes about Jason Whitlock and put up photos of sexy tennis players in a pathetic attempt to increase page views, but no sir, I will not stoop to making bird jokes.
(reads headline, notices “Caw! Caw!”)
Well, nobody’s perfect, right? Sometimes you just have to wing it, amirite?
Alright, fair enough. You won’t hear another peep out of me.
‘Birdman’ to nest in Denver for five more years [CBS Sports]
I Swear To God, I Did Not Put Them Up To It
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Two horndog teenage boys in southern India were arrested for stalking tennis player Sania Mirza over the past few days in separate incidents.
Police constables on Thursday nabbed Ajay Singh Yadav as he tried to barge into Mirza’s house apparently to profess his love and seeking to marry Mirza a day before she is to be engaged to Sohram Mirza.
Police said Singh reached Hyderabad in the morning and rushed to Mirza’s house and demanded to see her. When he refused to leave despite being warned the police took him into custody.
Yadav’s arrest came just a day after another engineering student from the southern state of Kerala, Mohammed Ashraf, was arrested when he tried to enter Mirza’s house.
Ashraf threatened to commit suicide if Mirza’s engagement ceremony was not canceled.
I want to make it plain and clear that I had absolutely nothing with these incidents. Sure, I have freely admitted in a recent post here on The Sportress that Sani (I call her Sani) is quite the comely lass, but what would I have to gain by sending these two Slumdog Millionaire-crazed hooligans to her house in for a dimwitted and ill-conceived attempt to kidnap her and bring her to America?
What’s that? There is no mention in the story about them attempting to kidnap her? Huh. Umm, I guess it must have just been a hunch I had. Yeah, that’s it – a hunch. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some charter flights I have to cancel. Here, look at some more photos I dug up of Sani.
Read More→
So, there I was, just cruising around the ‘tubes, checkin’ my feeds, you know, no big whoop, when I came across this headline from The Denver Post:
Kickball not just for fifth-graders anymore
Whaaaaaa? When did this happen? Did I sit down underneath a tree to take a nap and sleep for decades like Rip Van Winkle? What year is this? Adults are playing kickball now?I heard a rumor about some underground adult kickball leagues years ago but I thought the government took those out. Surely you jest. What kind of an adult other than a mental defective would want to play a child’s game?
Clearly, I’m just kidding. Brilliant reporting, Denver Post writer-person. Bravo. In the future, if you happen find yourself up against a deadline, I have some more jaw-dropping stories for you to dig into:
- Dodgeball: Someone Should Make A Movie About This Wacky Game!
- People Take Prescription Drugs Not Prescribed To Them
- Be Careful Putting Information Out On The Internet, It Might Not Be Safe
- Get Pregnant And Not Want The Baby? How About An Abortion?
- Sportress of Blogitude: Best. Blog. Ever.
I’d really look into that last one. Sounds like that could potentially be a pretty juicy lead. If I were the editors of The Denver Post, I’d put Woody Paige on that one toot-sweet.
Kickball not just for fifth-graders anymore [The Denver Post]
It doesn’t give me such a sweet sensation, either, for that matter. It does, however, make me want to put on some Calvin Klein underwear.
(steps away from computer)
Wait. Are these supposed to go on the outside of my pants or on the inside? Man, being a style icon is hard.
(Skip to the 4:37 mark in the video)
[H/T NESW Sports via Babes Love Baseball]
• Yeah, the last person you want defending your favorite team is Curt Schilling. [Mondesi's House]
• MYFO is still on the lookout for new editors. C’mon, hockey fans! [Melt Your Face Off]
• The real Ron Artest calls out the Real_Ron_Artest. Wait, what?Well done, gentlemen. [Style Points]
• Be sure to check out the Jacksonville Jaguars new season ticket promotion. Yep, they still are an NFL team. Surpising, huh? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Entertaining motivational posters for troubled golf figures. [Waggle Room]
• Finally, a guy puts on a bra in support of Manny Ramirez. Bro! Mansiere! [H/T Bugs & Cranks]
Hydroplane driver Jean Theoret suffered a brutal crash during racing last Saturday in Madison, Indiana and remains hospitalized. He credits the rescue crews for saving his life despite the fact that, in his words, he “drowned.”
“My mask was broken and the tube was broken off and I was swallowing water. I took two or three gulps of water and I drowned”
Hold on a minute there, buddy. You can’t drown and still be alive. That sort of thing only happens in Tom Hanks movies, like Splash and Cast Away. Even worse, I bet Theoret can’t make head or tails of the song “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
To be fair, the name Jean Theoret sounds a bit Frenchy, so perhaps there was a breakdown in translation from his native tongue to English, just like when I order French Toast at Denny’s by saying “May I have some le toas de francais?” and the server ends up licking my toes. That’s just awkward, I tell ya. It makes me wonder why I keep going back there and why they even bother posting the “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” sign.
Video of the crash and more after the jump.
