Archive for July, 2009
• Major League Baseball. 2009 State Farm Home Run Derby. To add to your enjoyment, play the “Chris Berman Drinking Game.” It’s easy – just drink until Berman stops being annoying – you’ll probably die of alcohol poisoning, but what do you do? [ESPN, 8:00 ET]
• Additional All-Star Game Festivities. 2009 All-Star Legends and Celebrities Game. If Dan Cortese ain’t playing, I ain’t interested. [ESPN, 10:00 ET]
• Brand New Episode. Yay! Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. Anthony travels to Chile. One of my favorite shows on television. [Travel Channel, 10:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. What can I say? The movie is a classic. Plus you get to enjoy Matthew Broderick’s acting ability before Sarah Jessica Parker turned him into a homo. [AMC, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 13th)
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• This new Patton Oswalt movie, Big Fan, looks prettay prettay prettay good. [With Leather]
• ClintonPortishead breaks down the firing of Nationals manager Manny Acta. [Style Points]
• PiniellasPinata is back with a vengeance, bitches. [The Rookies]
• Dick Stockton is a confused old man. [Awful Announcing]
• In light of the British Open this week, a look back at the Epic Fail that was Jean Van De Velde’s 18th hole at the 1999 British Open at Carnousite. [Devil Ball Golf]
Meh, I find that hard to believe. Don’t most people snort coke to lose weight, to hang out with the “cool kids” or get back at their overly-affectionate stepfather? But not former world champion rings gymnast Yuri Van Gelder – nope – he used it “for fun,” and in doing so disgraced everyone with the name “Yuri” worse than when cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin got caught in a compromising position with Sam the monkey astronaut in 1962. That was quite the scandal, indeed.
He failed a drug test ahead of the Netherlands championships in Rotterdam last month and faces a two-year ban from the sport.
Van Gelder, 26, says he used the drug “for fun” and not to enhance his performance. At a news conference in Arnhem on Monday, he says “it was incredibly stupid” and apologized.
What was stupid? Doing blow or being dumb enough to get caught doing it?
See people, these are the questions that need to be answered.
“See, I never just did things just to do them. Come on, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden start doing coke just for the fun? Come on. I got a little more sense then that…Yeah, I remember doing coke just for fun.”
Speaking of questions, here’s another one that needs to be answered: why do you drive on a parkway but park in a driveway? These are the kind of questions that keep me up at night…that and the cocaine.
Dutch gymnast Yuri Van Gelder admits cocaine use [Boston Herald/AP]
Ha! Get it? His last name is Lincecum and I suggested that his real name is Lincejizz! I substituted cum for jizz. You won’t find writing like that on any mainstream site. No siree, bud. In these parts, you better be ready for anything because I am constantly bringing the funny.
Anyhoo, potential future Iggy Pop impersonator Tim Lincecum has been announced as the National League’s starting pitcher for tomorrow night’s All-Star Game. Roy Halladay gets the nod for the American League.
Roy Halladay? More like Roy Hallagay, amirite?
Jesus, I need a drink.
Tim Lincecum, Roy Halladay to start All-Star game [The Associated Press]
I Will Never Believe In Love Again
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Nooooooooooooooooooo1!1!!!!!11!!!!
Unfortunately, kids, it’s sad but true. According to People magazine (via The Big Lead), Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have parted ways.
“She is heartbroken,” says the source. “She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways.”
The Dallas Cowboys quarterback fueled breakup rumors when he showed up with about 14 friends at the Hollywood hotspot MyHouse on Friday night without the birthday girl, a source tells PEOPLE.
Awwww, poor, poor Jessica. Can you imagine how much she is going to balloon up dealing with this? I bet by Thanksgiving, she’ll be pushing three bills and have a full-blown case of DIABEETUS.
I am completely speculating here, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Papa Simpson had something to do with their breakup. It’s a well-established fact that Joe is constantly pulling the strings and orchestrating his daughter’s career. Well, that and he’s tired of only getting sloppy seconds.
Be that as it may, the news leaves me a bit disappointed. If two grossly overrated and moderately talented people can’t make a relationship work, what hope is there for regular people like us in this crazy world?
Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Split [People]
Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson Split [The Big Lead]
• J Koot wonders speculates as to what sort of photos “SportsByGeraldo” will dig up of Amanda Rodrigues, who is a suspect in the murder of her husband, Arturo Gatti. Bravo. [Busted Coverage]
• The top 10 ways for Chris Berman to die. Brilliant. [Five Tool Tool]
• If Michael Vick isn’t allowed back in the NFL for the forseeable future, there is always the UFL and their maximum salary of $620K. [Shutdown Corner]
• San Diego Chargers defensive back Antonio Cromartie likes making babies. [Style Points]
• Chris “Mad Dog” Russo’s had an epic meltdown on his show last Friday. Yikes. [Awful Announcing]
• Shaq’s disturbing video dedication to Michael Jackson. [The Rookies]
• Drew digs through the Peter King archives and discovers a column where King discusses his colonoscopy. The horror…the horror. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Most of the hoopla surrounding UFC 100 involves the most-hated-man-in-mixed-martial-arts Brock Lesnar’s antics after he defeated Frank Mir by technical knockout, where he flipped-off the crowd, talked trash to Mir, ripped on UFC’s sponsors and said how he was going to bang his wife Sable (great write-up over on With Leather), but I’m going with Dan Henderson’s brutal knockout of Michael Bisping as the highlight of the evening.
Granted, I do not consider myself a MMA fan nor do I contend that I bring any sort of knowledge of the sport by making this claim, but Henderson absolutely lays out Bisping with a sick right hand. I didn’t see the fight live because I wasn’t going to pay $50 or whatever it would have cost and I had a freshly-painted wall that needed watching.
Video after the jump – at least until UFC honchos find out about it and take it down.
Champagnekkake!
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Eun Hee Ji nailed a twenty-foot birdie putt on the 18th hole to win the U.S. Women’s Open, avoiding a potential playoff against runner-up Candie Kung and setting into motion a sticky and wet celebration shown above. Ji hit an even-par 71 and finished even for the tournament. American Cristie Kerr’s quest to win her second Open of her career was ultimately derailed after bogeys on 13 and 16 . Kerr finished two strokes off the lead at 2-over.
“I know probably a lot of Americans who were here must have rooted for Cristie,” Ji said through a translator, “but just to hear my country people, countrymen talk, say my name, chant my name, was a huge boost for me.”
Not so fast there, Ms. Ji. You can count me as one American who is very happy that you won – usually I have to pay outrageous fees to web sites to view images like the above photo. You have provided a teriffic service to sickos across the internets. And for that we thank you, Eun Hee Ji.
Ji Wins Open on Final Hole [The Washington Post]
You would think being the leader of the free world would get you out of things like this, but President Obama will be subjected to a fate I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy when he will be forced to sit in the booth with broadcasting doorknobs Joe Buck and Tim McCarver during Fox’s All-Star Game coverage on Tuesday night.
Obama is expected to be in the booth sometime between the third and fifth inning. SI.com reported earlier that the White House was considering Fox Sports’ request to interview the President during the game.
Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, does Obama know what he’s getting himself into? By simply watching these dickbags cover a game lowers a viewer’s I.Q. by 10 points, imagine what could happen by being in their presence? The President will be compelled to reconsider his stance on waterboarding after spending five minutes with these morons.
Somebody has to get Obama out of this mess – for not only his sake, but for the sake of the country.
Can we re-open the facility and send McCarver and Buck to Guantanamo? YES WE CAN!
Obama to join Fox broadcast booth for All-Star Game [SI.com]
• MLB Roundup. Colorado scored five unanswered runs in the final three innings to come back and beat Atlanta 8-7. Josh Beckett got his 11th win of the season and the 100th in his career, going nine innings for the Red Sox and shutting out the Royals 6-0. A four-run fifth inning propelled the Angels to a three-game sweep of the Yankees, winning Sunday 5-4. [MLB.com Scoreboard]
• PGA Tour. Steve Stricker fired a 7-under 64 in the fourth round to win the John Deere Classic by three strokes. It is Stricker’s second win in four starts. [PGATour.com]
• Champion’s Tour. Bernard Langer’s chip-in for eagle on the 18th hole in the final round won him the 3M Championship. Langer shot 16-under for the tournament, beating Andy Bean by one stroke. [PGATour.com]
• “You have contracted herpes from the methhead hooker at the last truck stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200.” A company in Idaho has created a trucker-themed board game called “My Truckin’ Luck” which retails for $29.95 and “includes a log book, weigh stations, truck inspections and hazardous road conditions.” I imgaine this game will be a huge seller at Wal-Mart. [Yahoo!/AP]
Quite the interesting week here on the Sportress. We had our first bout of serious server issues that knocked out a day’s worth of content, but everything seems to be back up an running splendidly. Let’s hit the highlights, shall we?
• PGA Tour. A replay of round two of the John Deere Classic. I bet the guys from Toro just get burned up watching this tournament. [The Golf Channel, 8:30 ET]
• Tour de France. It’s replay evening, folks. Stage 7 has been in the books for hours, but I guess you could still watch the nonstop action. “They’re pedaling, pedaling…pedaling…pedaling…” [Versus, 8:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. National Lampoon’s European Vacation. Not as good as the original, but still a very solid comedy. “Look kids. Big Ben. Parliament.” Unfortunately, you won’t be able to see Rusty’s German tart’s boobies, but oh well. Ah, memories. [TVLand, 9:00 ET]
• It’s like Estrogen Replacement Therapy for your television. Say Yes To The Dress. I sometimes have to watch this with the wife and I have to admit it’s compelling television, if you like watching completely self-involved, spoiled and selfish drama queens try on wedding dresses, that is. [TLC, 10:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 10th)
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• A collection of quotes through the ages regarding athletes and managers thoughts on booing. [More Hardball]
• The conclusion of Shakey’s “Taiwan” saga. Yowsers. [Style Points]
• Charley Steiner: still crazy after all of these years. [Awful Announcing]
• One writer says that Mark McGwire should make an appearance at the All-Star Game in St. Louis? What? [Big League Stew]
• If you haven’t taken the time to dig into KSK’s Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag, you’re missing out. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Simon Fraser University
For the first time ever in the history of the human race and perhaps even the universe, a non-U.S. school has been granted membership into the exclusive and highfalutin’ organization that is the National Collegiate Athletic Association. And get this, it’s a goddamn Canadian school! What’s next for the NCAA? Going outside of the good old US of A and accepting the University of Alaska into the fold?
Fuckin’ NAFTA, man. Ross Perot tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen.
The Division II membership committee approved Simon Fraser’s application during a meeting at NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis. Simon Fraser has 19 teams that have been competing in the NAIA in the U.S. and Canadian Interuniversity Sport.
Well la-dee-freakin’-da, Simon Fraser University. Your students and faculty must be very proud. I do, however, have some issues I would like to address.
First of all, I didn’t even know they had colleges in Canada – that in itself is mind-blowing. Secondly, I didn’t even know that there was a school named after that guy from Encino Man. And finally, Canadians as a whole don’t like to be showy – instead, they like to keep to themselves and fit in. I assume SFU is not going to be looked upon too fondly at the next polar bear hunt/hockey tournament.
/puts on camoflage and face paint, lies in wait for HabsFan29…
Canadian college granted entrance into NCAA DII [SI.com/AP]
Michael Phelps has withdrawn from the 100-meter freestyle at the U.S. National Championships due to a sore neck, despite receiving several treatments both Thursday and today.
“It wasn’t fun swimming the 100 fly with that,” he said. “I could barely move my neck to breathe. I definitely didn’t feel 100 percent.”
I hear ya, brah. ‘Cause it’s hard being white and gifted, sometimes you wanna throw it all down and get lifted.
With that said, it has been a traumatizing and stressful year for Phelps ever since Bong-gate. Rumor has it that after treatments didn’t work out the kink, he raised his eyes to the heavens and said, “God, if you listenin’, HELP!!”
(This concludes Sportress of Blogitude’s gratuitous use of Half Baked references – we will now return to our normal programming)
Michael Phelps has sore neck, drops out of 100M freestyle at nationals [New York Daily News]
