Archive for July, 2009
Hey, did anyone out there hear that President Obama was going to throw out the first pitch before the All-Star Game last night? I wish the national media would pay more attention to worthy news items like this so I could stay better informed.
His throw, overall, was not too shabby. Obama did float it a little bit, but compared to the countless others who have failed miserably at what appears to be a rather simple task, his throw was at least average, if not better. The key appeared to be that the President practiced in the Rose Garden earlier and even had a few warm-up tosses to Albert Pujols, who caught the President, in the batting cage.
“When you’re a senator, they show you no respect so they just hand you the ball. You don’t get a chance to warm up,” Obama said. “Here, at least they had me down with Pujols in the batting cage, practicing a little bit.”
Pujols was more concerned about dropping the pitch than whether or not Obama would get the ball to home plate without a bounce.
“I scooted up a little bit, but I think I was going to catch it in the air the whole way,” Pujols said. “I was more nervous not to drop the ball, believe me. I wasn’t worried about him bouncing the ball.”
I suppose we should give the President a B+ grade for his performance, especially considering the sense of humor he displayed when he stated that there would be no bailout for the struggling National League because “we’re out of money.”
Video after the jump.
• MLB All-Star Game. After hitting a triple, Curtis Granderson scored the winning run on Adam Jones’ sacrifice fly in 8th off Padres closer Heath Bell as the American League defeated the National League 4-3, running its unbeaten streak to 13 games. Joe Nathan and Mariano Rivera pitched scoreless 8th and 9th innings to secure the victory. Carl Crawford was named the game’s MVP primarily due to his leaping catch against the wall of Brad Hawpe’s drive to left in the 7th inning. [MLB.com]
• Tour de France. British rider Mark Cavendish won the 10th Stage Tuesday, his third stage victory of the Tour. Rinaldo Nocentini still holds the overall lead, leading Alberto Contador by six seconds and Lance Armstrong by eight seconds. [Yahoo!]
• Major League Baseball. The Philadelphia Phillies have signed veteran three-time Cy Young Award winner to a one-year, $1 million contract. [The Philadelphia Inquirer]
• Hunters track down and kill former drug king Pablo Escobar’s hippo. Finally, there is justice. Although it cannot bring back those who were killed during the powermad Escobar’s reign of terror in Colombia during the height of the cocaine wars, perhaps families who have suffered can finally be at peace. Wait, am I talking about Escobar or his hippo? I’m not even sure but the story goes that two hippos, one of many exotic animals Escobar kept, escaped from Escobar’s former estate and were considered a threat to pubic safety One hippo is still on the loose, so there’s that. [Yahoo!/Reuters]
Hello there, friends, and welcome to another Tuesday night Last Call here at the Sportress. As it has become a custom recently, I am turning over the reins of the Last Call intro to someone familiar to all of us: the guy in your group that when you go out drinking, insists on having a tab for the entire table. There is one of them in every group of friends, so without further ado, here’s Dave the “I Don’t Have Enough Cash When The Tab Comes” Guy.
Dudes! Aw, man, the bathroom was packed! Oh, the tab, huh? How much is it? 240 bucks? Holy shit, we ordered WAY too many rounds of shots tonight. Well, make that I did. So, how much is that apiece? We’re splitting it, right? I’m so buzzed up right now I couldn’t even begin to figure out which drinks I ordered and they’re starting to corral everyone out of here so maybe we should just split it evenly and go from there…sound good?
• Major League Baseball. All-Star Game. Watch Sheryl Crow sing the anthem and grimace as you watch President Obama throw out the first pitch and then have to suffer the indignity of sharing a booth with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Oh, and I think there’s an exhibition baseball game on as well. [FOX, 8:00 ET]
• WNBA Basketball. Los Angeles Sparks at Connecticut Sun. What, don’t lesbians enjoy America’s pastime or something? [ESPN, 7:00 ET]
• But could they give as touching a performance portraying a retarded father in Jingle All The Way? Real Terminators. “Robots that think and move like humans.” Unfortunately, they think like Terrell Owens and move like Muhammad Ali, so we have a long way to go. [History, 10:00 ET]
• Basic Cable Movie of the Night. How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. I typically will use the alternative title, How to Lose Any Self Respect in 10 Seconds. Sweet Christ, what a horrible, horrible movie. I guess people with no taste in movies don’t watch the All-Star Game either. [USA, 8:00 ET]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute? (July 14th)
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• LeNoceur addresses Jacques Lemaire’s return to the New Jersey Devils via Back to the Future. Well done. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Joe Mauer isn’t ready to show off his abilities rockin’ the mic yet. [Big League Stew]
• Meet the new ESPN Ombudsman Don Ohlmeyer. [Awful Announcing]
• God discusses all of the recent celebrity deaths. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Video of an insane indoor soccer goal. [Sports With Mr. Factoid]
• More video: ladies and gentlemen, Skateboard Basketball. [With Leather]
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Praise be to God. Los Angeles Galaxy teammates Landon Donovan and David Beckham have reportedly kissed and made up. Their relationship was strained due to comments Donovan made to Sports Illustrated writer Grant Wahl, author of The Beckham Experiment.
Beckham practiced with the Galaxy on Monday for the first time since returning from a five-month loan to Italian club AC Milan. Since his arrival back in Southern California, he has been peppered with questions about Donovan calling him a bad captain and portraying the English star as stingy in an upcoming book.
Although things may have been ironed out, Beckham has said that he is “…not going to talk about what was said,” and “[t]hat was between me, Landon and the manager (Bruce Arena). I said the other day everything that was needed to say.”
Well, I for one am relieved that these two soccer legends have made their peace and are committed to finishing the Galaxy’s season stong. Yet, I am left to wonder how these two managed to work things out, especially when you consider what Donovan said about Beckham and how Beckham called Donovan “unprofessional.”
Perhaps they worked out a Strangers On A Train-type of scheme, where each one of them will off the other’s wife, but I doubt it. Beckham seems very happy in his marriage to Victoria and Donovan appears quite content with his marriage to actress Bianca Kajlich.
I suppose the only other possibility is that they agreed to videotape and distribute videos of their wives involved in erotic lesbian lovemaking sessions.
Yeah, I know no one is going to get the Hamm’s Bear reference – you see, Hamm’s was a brewery in the “Land of Sky-Blue Water,” in this case St. Paul and…ugh…you know what? Nevermind. Like anyone cares for my regional humor – except for Louie Anderson – he eats it up.
Anyway, here’s a photo of Minnesota Twins All-Stars Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau whooping it up with some guy getting paid eight bucks an hour to dress up like Captain Morgan. Nice.
But it looks like they are having a good time and that’s all that counts, right? I just hope they drank responsibly and did not drive back to their hotel rooms afterward. Hey, maybe they met up with those guys from the Captain Morgan commercials that order a pizza at the restaurant and request delivery and then get a ride home with the delivery guy – and then savagely beat those two douchetards to death.
[H/T Randball]
Amateurishly shot but broken down with Zapruder-like intensity, after the jump we have a video of a rather comely lass (not the one pictured above, but how was I going to pass up using that photo?) getting down and dirty in her efforts to snag a foul ball at AT&T Park on Sunday during the Padres-Giants game.
• MMA guy Alan Belcher has a simply atrocious tattoo of Johnny Cash. [Total Pro Sports]
• Darnell Dockett is one dumb bastard and Rockabye has the tweets to prove it. [The Rookies]
• Poorly Acquitted goes off on Chris Berman. Good work. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Major League All-Stars and the sacrifices they have made. [Style Points]
• We now know the identity of that goofball with the mohawk toweling off Albert Pujols during the Home Run Derby. [Bugs & Cranks]
• Some rich douchebag teenager is about to set some sailing record. We’re happy for him. [Bootlegger Sports]
Big Ben Likes Dogs
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HARF! HARF! Ben Roethlisberger, through his creatively-named Ben Roethlisberger Foundation, has donated $8,000 to the Jeannette Police Department to assist in the care of service dog Wando, a German Shepherd who has been with the department since 2005.
Broward County Circuit Judge Marc Gold has released troubled ex-Major Leaguer Jim Leyritz on a $1,000 bond, meaning Leyritz will not have to sit and jail while waiting for his DUI manslaughter case to be heard, unleashing Leyritz on an unsuspecting populace. Leyritz was jailed earlier this month in connection with an alleged domestic incident involving his ex-wife.
Under the terms of his release, Leyritz would be allowed to live in a friend’s unoccupied house in nearby Weston, and communication between the 45-year-old former ballplayer and his ex-wife must take place only through their lawyers.
Dinara Safina Likes It On Top
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And I would suggest keeping her happy and letting her stay on top, because she’s got the look of a woman who would completely wreck you if you didn’t cater to her every whim.
Obviously, what I am referring to is that Safina retained the number one ranking in the WTA despite losing to Venus Williams in the semifinals at Wimbledon and not her preferred sexual position.
But seriously, this woman scares the ever-living shit out of me. I imagine that she would be very domineering and controlling in a relationship. And if you happened to disappoint her in the bedroom, one of those little heads like the one that emerges from the creature’s mouth in the movie Alien would shoot out of her snizz and bite your manhood right off.
You know, that’s a pretty far out idea. Has anyone made a porno version of Alien yet? Perhaps I should look into it, but even if I did, I have a felling it wouldn’t go anywhere. Ridley Scott would probably balk at the concept or insist that Russell Crowe be cast as a huge penis – which I suppose wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for the actor.
Booyah! With entertainment industry zingers like that, maybe I can be the next Perez Hilton, save for the “being an untalented and annoying homosexual that draws MS Paint dicks on George Clooney photos” part.
Safina remains on top of world rankings [AFP]
There I was, jumping out of my bed this morning, barely able to contain my excitement. You see, every morning I rush to my computer so I can find out the results from the previous day’s stage of the Tour de France. Sadly, this morning, I was shocked to discover there was no racing on Monday. Much to my chagrin, yesterday was the first of two “rest days” during the three-week race through France. So let me get this straight – these so-called “world class athletes,” as people refer to them, can’t ride their little bikes more than 2,000 miles over a period of a few weeks without a couple days of rest? Talk about a bunch of pampered pansies. Jesus, it’s not like riding a bike is that much work. I just rode my bike up to the store a couple of blocks away to get a pack of cigarettes and I only had to stop and catch my breath two times.
Since I am so irritated right now that I can hardly breathe – it might have something to do with my 1/4-mile bike ride – who knows – I will now pass it over to S.O.B. Special Correspondent Jesus Quintana for his commentary on the Tour de France’s days of rest:
“What’s this day of rest shit? What’s this bullshit? I don’t fuckin’ care! It don’t matter to Jesus. But you’re not foolin’ me, man. You might fool the fucks in the Tour office, but you don’t fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man – ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Monday. I fuck you in the ass this Tuesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Tuesday, baby!”
Insightful and provocative. Thanks for your time, Mr. Quintana. Have a safe trip back to Imaginationland.
Eight year olds, dude.
• Home Run Derby. Portly Prince Fielder of the Milwaukee Brewers beat Texas Rangers first baseman Nelson Cruz 6-5 in the final round to win the Home Run Derby (I refuse to call it the State Farm Home Run Derby – shit – I just did). Hometown favorite Albert Pujols was eliminated in the second round after advancing out of the first via a “Swing Off” after he, Joe Mauer and Carlos Pena all hit five homers in the first round. Each had five swings and Pujols hit two homers. Overall, a grand time was had by one and all. [MLB.com]
• National Hockey League. Eschewing retirement, Jacques Lemaire instead returned to his old stomping grounds and will return as head coach of the New Jersey Devils, a team he coached for five years in the ’90s when he led the Devils to their first Stanley Cup title in 1995. The neutral zone trap is back where it belongs. [NHL.com]
• Woman Accidentally Shot While Sitting On Toilet. 53-year-old Janifer Bliss was accidentally shot in the leg while sitting on the toilet in a hotel restroom when a woman in the next stall dropped her gun and it discharged. Bliss was sent to the hospital with minor injuries but will be okay. Still, talk about your crappy luck. [AOL/AP]
Wait, they needed a friggin’ poll to figure out that most people hate the Cowboys and Patriots, other than front-running bandwagon jumpers?They could have saved a lot of time by asking me, and I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about at least half of the time.
1. There is no America’s Team! So said 37 percent of the more than 161,000 people asked to choose between the Cowboys (22 percent), Steelers (20 percent), Patriots (11 percent) and Packers (10 percent).
2. Only the Cowboys are more despised than the Patriots. SportsNation singled out five teams fans loved to hate. The Cowboys drew 36 percent of the vote, followed by the Patriots (34 percent), Steelers (12 percent), Giants (9 percent) and Raiders (9 percent).
Instead, they should have done a poll to find out what kind of people would even bother acknowledging the results of an ESPN Sportsnation poll. My guess is the results would break down something like this:
- 62%: Retarded
- 25% Severely retarded
- 10% Down Syndrome-level retarded
- 3% As brain dead as Terry Schiavo
Man, you gotta love science. This is science, right?
Poll results say Cowboys edge Patriots as NFL’s most hated team [The Huddle]
SportsNation: Twenty-five bold proclamations [ESPN]
